I never even got to know him

[Darth Sensitive]

Today, I got a call at 6:45 to come into the hospital where my mom had been staying over night expecting her 5th child, but without hurrying too much. I hadn't been expecting to have to come until later, as she was scheduled to be induced late in the day, and so my extended family that had converged on my home took our time waking up and getting over.

The pregnancy had been a troubled one - my mom was closer to 50 than 40, was always low on amniotic fluid, and the baby was always pretty still compared to the rest of us. We found out midway through that there were some likely heart defects, and other possible genetic defects that my parents didn't want to share with the rest of us in much detail. 'Alice' was baptized in the womb midway through the pregnancy, as my mom decided to keep going with the pregnancy, though the outcome was doubtful.

We were optimistic, but also realistic to this point, but until I got the call saying to take my time getting to the hospital the reality of the situation hadn't really hit me. My parents had been researching information about infant burials in our area, but I didn't take it to heart until I got to the delivery room and saw my stillborn brother.

He weighed about 3.5 lbs and was about 18 inches. He had a cleft lip, but was still the most beautifully heartbreaking thing I've ever seen. I got to hold him for a while and say hello and goodbye to my brother. Even though we would have been 20 years apart, we would have been able to share experiences and talk about sports, gals, cars and all that. And I'll never get that chance.

I'm really not sure what I think. I'm alternating between being just fine and not being fine at all. I am grateful that my mom is fine though. Other than that though, it hasn't been a good day at all

[jali]

You have my sincere sympathies.

My mother really grieved for my stillborn brother (born before me) and I cried with her once as an adult.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[featherlou]

I'm sorry to hear that, too. I lost my youngest sister when she was four (33 years ago), and there is still a little spot in my heart for her. Family is family.

[NAF1138]

That's horrible Darth. I can't imagine what that must be like. I'm so sorry.

[Hatshepsut]

My heart goes out to you and everyone in your family, especially your mom. Take care.

[beebs]

Your family will be in my prayers.

[Zabigail]

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Take it easy, make sure you eat, drink, rest. *comfort*

[troubleagain]

I'm so sorry, Darth. You're all in my thoughts.

[Darth Sensitive]

Thanks a whole bunch for the support guys. It's nice knowing that there are listeners out there.

(Also, could a passing mod fix the title?)

[Darth Sensitive]

Funeral today - I'm supposed to sing something, and I hope I can handle it.

There will be rest, and sure stars shining
Over the roof-tops crowned with snow,
A reign of rest, serene forgetting,
The music of stillness holy and low.
I will make this world of my devising
Out of a dream in my lonely mind.
I shall find the crystal of peace, – above me
Stars I shall find.

-Sarah Teasdale

[CatInASuit]

Thanks a whole bunch for the support guys. It's nice knowing that there are listeners out there.

(Also, could a passing mod fix the title?)

Fixed it for you.

Sincere Sympathies to you and your family Darth.

[Darth Sensitive]

Thanks CiaS.

It was tough, but I'm glad I did.

[sturmhauke]

My wife miscarried a couple of years ago. The first and only ultrasound showed little more than a tiny heartbeat, like some distant star, and then a couple weeks later it was no more. Now we have a healthy little baby boy, but I wonder what his older brother or sister might have been like. It was hard enough losing a little cluster of cells, I can't imagine what it must be like holding a baby who never got a chance to live.