Finish my sentence!

[Elendil's Heir]

he's offered anything less than eight trillion dollars, a kiss from Jared Kushner and a hot pink '78 Cadillac Eldorado.

If I had eight trillion dollars, the first three things I'd buy would be __________________________________

[Jizzelbin]

an instrument to detect soap-dish poisoning, a means to counter its grievous effect of pulverizing one's blood, and a long lease on a storage facility.

The one good thing about having one's blood turn into a powder is that the lizard alien __________________________________________________ ___________

[Elendil's Heir]

syndicate running Blawnox, Pa. is too busy playing online poker and drinking bad whiskey to make it happen to everyone.

Other than the lizard alien syndicate, high crime, dog poop in the streets and the town's remarkably ugly name, Blawnox is actually _______________________________________

[Jizzelbin]

a place where very few people actually dare to emerge from their shuttered islands of private iniquity, except to keep up appearances.

The last time that old Uncle Irving from nearby crept his way towards the priest to confess his mortal sins, he __________________________________________________ _______

[Elendil's Heir]

realized his confession would probably take the better part of a day, and so he'd first better get some liquid refreshment at Louie's Bar & Grille just down the street.

Once he crawled into Louie's, however, he found that, much to his surprise, ________________________________

[Jizzelbin]

a copy of Gabler's edition of *Ulysses*, opened midway through the "Nausicaa" chapter, while Louie stood rubbing a damp rag over the counter of the bar.

One thing never could be said about Louie is that he never _______________________________________________.

[Elendil's Heir]

objected to being the subject of double negatives.

I was going to fly to Blawnox, Pa. this weekend, but changed my mind when I learned that _________________________

[Jizzelbin]

the major was a fourth-degree Knight of Columbus and forced his subjects to pledge allegiance.

Now, the thing of the Knights of Columbus is that they start off with an unsurance benefits meeting and then next thing you know __________________________________________________

[Jizzelbin]

the major was a fourth-degree Knight of Columbus and forced his subjects to pledge allegiance.

Now, the thing of the Knights of Columbus is that they start off with an insurance benefits meeting and then next thing you know __________________________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

he was posting twice and also expecting large payments of Lithuanian currency from any and all visiting firefighters in Blawnox.

Why he didn't require visiting police officers and emergency medical technicians to make such payments, I don't know, but I suspect that ______________________

[Jizzelbin]

the visiting first responders may have been whisky priests operating in secrecy during the Cristero War.

The thing about changing the grips on a Ruger target pistol is that one must never wear eye protection, because __________________________________________________ ___________________________________