Some lyrics

[Trojan Man]

Well, to make up for the completely pointless thread I started in the Lounge, I thought I'd try to contribute something different. Here are some of my lyrics. Praise and constructive criticism welcome!






Your Fountain

You don't have to smile
Or glow like a sunset.
You can come quiet
Like a dark, starry blanket.

Draw the curtains, shed your skin,
Open up, and let me in.

You look at me with those eyes,
And I'm gone.
You take me to your fountain of secrets.

you don't have to spin
On endless rotation.
We can rejoice in
Our own celebration.

Draw the curtains, shed your skin,
Open up, and let me in.

You look at me with those eyes,
And I'm gone.
You take me to your fountain of secrets.

And I'll drink, and I'll drink.
And I'll drink from your fountain of secrets.

[OneCentStamp]

There's something playful and sexy about them, even though the metaphors are more fanciful than literal.

Do they have music? Have you recorded or performed this?

By way of criticism, I'll say that the rhymes of "sunset" and "blanket," and "rotation" and "celebration" seem a little forced. But then again, I'm reading it off a page and holding it to poem standards. Sung, depending on the tune and the delivery, I might never have thought that.

[Trojan Man]

They have music, which adds nuance. I have performed it a few times acoustically, but so far have not had the guts to tell the audience I wrote the song. I've not been able to record it properly yet, for lack of decent recording equipment. I'll upload an .mp3 once it's recorded.

I like your description, too. Exactly what I was going for. I get what you're saying about the 'forced rhymes', but I think it's worse on paper than it is on the ear. Thanks for the comment!

[Trojan Man]

Gone
In the fading light
Lies told in silence
the cold wind bites
me to the bone.

Sun is going down
Gone is your magic
Your magic crown
your magic throne.

Gone.

Do you even care
Love is left bleeding
I touched you there
On your heart of stone.

I touched you there
On your heart of stone.

[Trojan Man]

An Offspring-type punk song:

Memory

Start the clock
coz here I go
Spin the wheels
but don't explode

Memory is gaining on me
Memory is gaining on me

Clear the track
Run for your lives
Don't look back
This race is mine

Memory is gaining on me
Memory is gaining on me

The future in my veins
But memory is gaining on me
Memory is gaining on me

<musical interlude, of sorts>

Burning up
and gaining speed
Can't escape
my memory

The future in my veins
But memory is gaining on me

The future in my veins
But memory is gaining on me.

[Trojan Man]

Scarecrow

Today, I hang like a scarecrow
Tomorrow sees more of the same
Now I'm getting cold
In the wind and the rain
With nowhere to go...

Tonight, staring at the TV
The emptiness keeps me awake
Punchlines falling down
They all sound the same
Too tired to sleep

Moonlight inside of you
Your belladonna eyes,
Your every disguise
And your body...

The clock says a quarter to three
and all I can see is your face
And I hear your voice
Am I going insane?
Too tired to sleep

<musical interlude>

Moonlight inside of you
Your belladonna eyes,
Your every disguise
And your body...

Today, I hang like a scarecrow
Tomorrow sees more of the same
Now I'm getting cold
In the wind and the rain
With nowhere to go...

[Trojan Man]

The Light In You

Ghosts of yesteryear
Whisper in your ear
Rob you in your sleep
Haunt you in your dreams

Taken down a notch
Pride has taken off
Left you in the rain
No-one left to blame

So spread your wings and fall apart
Don't be afraid of the dark
The night is just a shadow
So fall and I will follow
Take a breath and close your eyes
It's been a bumpy ride
And I know you'll make it through
Coz I've seen the light in you

<musical interlude, orchestral-type thing>

'Oh not this again
Will it never end?
What have I done wrong
To carry this along?'

Running low on luck
Now to overcome
Now to stand your ground
To turn your luck around

So spread your wings and fall apart
Don't be afraid of the dark
The night is just a shadow
So fall and I will follow
Take a breath and close your eyes
It's been a bumpy ride
And I know you'll make it through
Coz I've seen the light in you

[Trojan Man]

My attempt at a happy pop song

Plastic

Looks like it's gonna rain today
And when it rains it pours
You're out in the cold
Looking over your shoulder
And they told you that today could be yours

Did someone say to 'Let it Be'?
It's all you could have done
For every mistake
There's a move you can make
But it takes a lot when you're on the run

It's hard to believe in magic
When all the people are made out of plastic
Throw your arms around me
Everything will be alright

When it's taking everything you have
To hold your tongue

When everything you do, it
Falls apart, it comes undone

It's hard to believe in magic
When all the people are made out of plastic
Throw your arms around me
Everything will be alright x2

Everything will be alright

Na na na na na (muppets style)

[artifex]

As promised...

I think they're very nice Seriously, I think they're good lyrics. From a cynical marketing standpoint, I think they're the sort of thing that have the potential appeal to a lot of listeners (in the "this song says exactly what I feel!" sense). Does that sound weird? Anyway, they're poetic and evocative without crossing the line into "making no damn sense at all."

The two things I felt were jarring notes (and again - reading off a page as poetry =|= hearing music):
1. In "Gone," the line "do you even care." The probability of that line not coming off as overused, petulant, and whiny is low.

2. In "The Light In You," the fourth verse sticks out. I can see that you're writing it from the POV of the person to whom you're singing, because of the quotation marks. But I can see those because I'm reading, not hearing the lyrics. It might not be as clear to the listener, who might think, "wait, what? I thought you were all positive message man, why are you now talking about your own problems?" Anyway, I think you could strike that verse entirely and make the song's message stronger.

Hope that helps some

[OneCentStamp]

(spitz, you asked me offline about choruses; I hope you don't mind that I address it here, since I was going to post a reply here anyway.)

First of all, I like "Plastic" the best out of the lyrics you've posted here so far. It has a lot of qualities I like in a lyric: it's emotionally immediate and direct; while there are metaphors and images, it doesn't slow down to admire them; and the rhythm is very nice. It already "feels" like a song, and I imagine it was simple hammering this onto some music, if you've done so already. Very nice.

BTW, If you don't find some way to record and post these songs, even if it's just a cell phone recording of you and an acoustic guitar, I'm going to be forced to assume all the music sounds like the Pussycat Dolls.

--------------------------------

As far as the chorus thing goes, first things first: whoever called me a "pro" was being far too kind. I could be charitably called a semi-professional musician who is semi-retired (or fully on hiatus), but I have recorded a half dozen studio albums and played a few hundred shows.

Lyrically, the only advice I can give for choruses is: simple, simple, simple. It isn't a universal law, and there are plenty of exceptions, but it's a good general principle and it works for me. I like songs with verses that tell a story in several parts, but whose choruses keep reiterating the main theme of the song. Two good examples are Social Distortion's "Ball and Chain" and "Story of My Life" (or really, 99% of SD songs).

Maybe the best example of what I'm talking about is The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby." The verses are lush. They have nifty embedded rhymes, they have striking imagery, they tell two separate stories that end up intertwining. Maybe Paul McCartney's best lyric ever. And what's the chorus? It's two lines, two bone simple sentences that barely rhyme. And yet they sew up the theme of the song perfectly. That, to me, is a perfect song lyric.

"Plastic" and "Memory" both have choruses that I really like. I don't know what happens musically when the choruses hit, but lyrically they are spot on.

I would supply examples from my own work, but frankly I don't think I'm any better a lyricist than you are.

[Trojan Man]

Thanks guys, much food for thought.
Fex, the 2 songs you mentioned are under revision, which doesn't guarantee I'll change anything, but I definately see where you're coming from.
OCS, your Pussycat Dolls comment notwithstanding I'll record 'Plastic' ASAP and upload it. It needs backup singers etc, but you'll get the gist, anyway... I'm not familiar with "Eleanor Rigby" so I'll look it up. Do you have any of your lyrics in cyberspace?

[OneCentStamp]

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
Lives in a dream
Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
Who is it for?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
No one comes near.
Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
What does he care?

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the lonely people
Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
Nobody came
Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
No one was saved

All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

[OneCentStamp]

OK, here's a song whose lyrics I wrote (and which of course contravenes the tip I gave you, badly)...

----------------------------------------

Exit 27

If I met her face to face by chance,
would she break my heart with just one glance,
leave me cold and empty?

Repeat for me the words I know by heart,
watch my defenses come apart,
leave me drenched and shaking?

All my stored regrets
and a lifetime of unpaid debts
are waiting in her gaze

If she called today,
could I look into her eyes and say
I knew her face?

She reaches out a hand to touch my hand,
catches fire and chars me where I stand,
nothing left but ash and regret.

She opens her mouth to sing me the song I wrote,
stops my heart with just one note,
blows me a kiss and I'm gone.

I don't want to know
any more than I already know about
giving up

I don't want to know
any more than I already know about
cashing in

[Trojan Man]

Wow, very melancholy, but not whiny. I think sometimes 'clunky' rhymes work better than perfect nes, like dissonance within a chord. If it was always consonant, it would be boring. Some of the older songwriters, Gershwin etc, were very good at it, but that style grates on me personally. YMMV.

In light of your fondness for Eleanor Rigby, I thought I'd post my melancholic story lyric:

Tears of Stone

A man no longer wants to see
Secretly knows he'll never be free
...trapped where his love used to be

Her voice a ghost as the cold wind blow
Rose petals fall and melt like snow
A haunted man with nowhere else to go

But to spend his numbered days alone
Crying tears of stone

Ocean rolls with a pulse within
Kept alive under pale blue skin
Horizon like a curtain made of tin

In vain, he tries to swim away
The sun is in his eyes today
The sea beneath an angry sky of grey

He knows today is not a home
Tomorrow's just another clone
A broken heart will always roam
Crying tears of stone.

[Trojan Man]

Here's another navel-gazer

The One

Welcome to the temple of trash
Where broken souls are traded for cash
No time to wipe your feet
Just come away with me
We'll find transcendence in a flash

Desperation pulling me in
So why not let the party begin
All hope has disappeared
Was chased away by fear
And love has fallen down again

All or none
In search of The One

Here I am with nowhere to run
Guess I'm just a slave to The One
I'll take a souvenir
- another piece of me
So I can watch it come undone

All or none
In search of The One

[OneCentStamp]

So you didn't have any trouble with the link to the audio for Exit 27? Cool.

Looking at those last two lyrics (and the others), you use a lot more visual imagery than I do. I like it. A line like "horizon like a curtain made of tin" is unique - I've never heard it anywhere else - yet instantly evocative. I've never felt confident with that kind of simile and metaphor. When I try it, I either go "aw, that's so cliche" or "aw, that's forced and weird."

[Trojan Man]

Well, my writing started at a time when I had intense things bottled up, and I couldn't express any of it in conventional language. I needed (mainly) visual things to get my point across. But your lyrics have a 'grounded' quality to them that I struggle with, like Eleanor Rigby. And you do quite well with what you do!

[Taumpy]

My attempt at a happy pop song

Plastic

I'm curious what sort of music you're setting this one to, spitz. I'm picturing something XTC-esque from their Oranges & Lemons period. Like Mayor of Simpleton.

[Trojan Man]

Quote:
Originally posted by spitz
My attempt at a happy pop song

Plastic

I'm curious what sort of music you're setting this one to, spitz. I'm picturing something XTC-esque from their Oranges & Lemons period. Like Mayor of Simpleton.

I conceived it a a cross between Oasis and the Muppets,. If that helps.

[Trojan Man]

A rough .mp3 of 'Plastic': http://www.4shared.com/audio/xo3TsIlG/Plastic.html

[Taumpy]

Sounds good, spitzy. The melody fits well with the words, IMO. I think that's a good tempo, too. I was picturing something faster, but I think it works like that.

[OneCentStamp]

A rough .mp3 of 'Plastic': http://www.4shared.com/audio/xo3TsIlG/Plastic.html

Thanks for posting, man! A few observations:

PROS!!!!
- I really like the chord progression. It's playful and not too straightforward. The 7th (working from memory; I'm not listening to it right now) chord you spike on at the end is unexpected in a Beatlesy way.
- It definitely suits the mood of the lyrics.
- I would love to hear this fleshed out with a full band, or even just a piano, bass, or other instrument to give it a little harmonic richness.

CONS!!!!
- I don't know whether you were seated and hunched over, or just not singing out because of volume restrictions, but you really could stand to sing out a little more. Your delivery was almost whispery in places.
- In the middle of each line, it sounds as if you're not exactly sure what the melody should be, and you kind of meander around a little bit down there.

[OneCentStamp]

PROS!!!!
- I really like the chord progression. It's playful and not too straightforward. The 7th (working from memory; I'm not listening to it right now) chord you spike on at the end is unexpected in a Beatlesy way.

Listening again now, it's the B to C transition at the end of each verse. Nice stuff.

[OneCentStamp]

In fact, I'm kind of having fun singing and playing this song at home, but I know I'm getting some of the chords wrong. Would you mind posting what they are?

[Trojan Man]

OK. Verses - E B A E, F#m F#mMajor7 F#m7 B C.

Chorus - G E Am F C G D sus 4/2

M8 - (can't remember the chords I used when I recorded it, as I did it in a mad panic, but they're pretty simple. I'm sure you'll get them).

Plz upload a copy when you get it!

[Zuul]

I'd somehow completely missed this thread when it was first posted.

Moonlight inside of you
Your belladonna eyes,
Your every disguise
And your body...

I really like the line about "your belladonna eyes" and the double meaning there of beautiful woman and deadly nightshade.

[Nrblex]

spitz, think you could toss us some links to recordings of these? I'd be really curious to hear how they sound, since I don't usually read lyrics before hearing a song.

[Trojan Man]

spitz, think you could toss us some links to recordings of these? I'd be really curious to hear how they sound, since I don't usually read lyrics before hearing a song.

Recording music is a huge hassle for me - poor equipment, noisy house, etc. So if you wanna hear a particular song, I'll record it and put it up. Aggie and Zuul, I haven't forgotten my promise to you both, either.

[Trojan Man]

A rough .mp3 of 'Plastic': http://www.4shared.com/audio/xo3TsIlG/Plastic.html

Thanks for posting, man! A few observations:

PROS!!!!
- I really like the chord progression. It's playful and not too straightforward. The 7th (working from memory; I'm not listening to it right now) chord you spike on at the end is unexpected in a Beatlesy way.
- It definitely suits the mood of the lyrics.
- I would love to hear this fleshed out with a full band, or even just a piano, bass, or other instrument to give it a little harmonic richness.

CONS!!!!
- I don't know whether you were seated and hunched over, or just not singing out because of volume restrictions, but you really could stand to sing out a little more. Your delivery was almost whispery in places.
- In the middle of each line, it sounds as if you're not exactly sure what the melody should be, and you kind of meander around a little bit down there.

Yeah, I've been sick and stressed out for some time now, which has really affected my singing. It's slowly getting better. I really appreciate your input, OCS.

[Trojan Man]

It's been a while, but I've written and recorded another demo: http://www.filedropper.com/drift Really need better recording equipment, but the ideas are there

[The Original An Gadaí]

Linky no worky.

[Trojan Man]

GRRR!! >.<

[Trojan Man]

Trying again: http://www.filedropper.com/drift