The Glurge Hate Thread

So, I keep getting this glurg sent to me by a few people in particular. I've been getting 3 or 4 of these a week now, for about 1 or 2 years, and I just can't take it anymore.

I'm trying this first, before I see a therapist, or destroy something innocent.

Everyone's free to post Glurg they get, here, and then deride it as much as possible.

I'll start with a short one I got today, recreated in appearance to provide the same nauseous feeling I got. Unfortunately, this board doesn't have Comic Sans.

Seatbelts...

UNITED STATES MAP - Short But Good.

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like.

Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby and said, 'Go into the other room and see if you can put this Together. This will show you our whole country today.'

After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map, correctly fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. 'Oh,' she said, 'on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, Then our
country just came together.'

This one is worthy forwarding.

OVER AND OVER AGAIN......

AMEN!

What kind of magazine is he reading that has a Map on one side, and a picture of Jesus on the other. Random Images Monthly? And second, assuming magazines just print maps of the US, in their entirety, it could be just as fucking likely that the picture on the other side was that of Santa Claus, a crack whore, satan, a snake, an ad for KFC, or any other goddamn thing. What a weak premise to try and make your lameass point about how America needs Jesus. Jesus never went anywhere. In fact, there's more churches around today (I don't have a cite), than there has ever been in its long history. Short of actually electing Jesus Himself as President of the United States, I don't think fundamental christians will ever be happy.

So, fuck you, Magenta Comic Sans Glurg.

Feel free to pile on.

< dabs eyes >

Didn't you find that just a little bit inspirational?

No, I wanted to punch the girl in the throat for cheating. And then punch the dad in the applebag for being an asshole douche.

In all seriousness, have you tried saying "Don't send me this shit anymore, it makes me not want to know you?" Because I've had surprising success with that.

And who names their little girl after a muscle car? Does he want her to grow up to be a stripper?

Quote:

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Originally posted by Diana

In all seriousness, have you tried saying "Don't send me this shit anymore, it makes me not want to know you?" Because I've had surprising success with that.

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I've been weighing that option now for a while. But, this comes from my MIL, so I don't want to stir up too much shit. Sometimes it's best to leave well enough alone. I have asked other people I'm not so related or socially glued to to knock it the fuck off, though.

*sigh*

It's funny, I remember this exact same thing from MAD Magazine, of all places. It was one of Dave Berg's "Lighter Side Of..." strips.

Kid is bothering Dad about having nothing to do, dad pulls a page out of a magazine with a world map, rips it up, and tells the kid to put it back together. Comments to himself how long it will take "especially with the mess the world is in nowadays."

Kid finishes in no time, Dad asks him how he did it so fast.

Kid says, "There was an ad with a man on the other side. Once I figured out the man, the world fell into place."

Being a young girl she probably didn't realize that it was a picture of Charles Manson. Her dad shouldn't remove maps from crime magazines that display the locations of crimes. You never know what's on the other side.

It must be hard living in the age before spam filters


but seriously i'd keep it, that's COMEDY GOLD

Send back ernest faithful replies such as,

"God bless and thank you for this little treasure. I find the image of a young girl touching Jesus as thrilling as you do."

I bet it'll scare the crap out of them.

Quote:

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Originally posted by cmyk

What kind of magazine is he reading that has a Map on one side, and a picture of Jesus on the other. Random Images Monthly?

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Huh. I didn't receive that one. But then, I only subscribe to Random Images Digest so I might have missed it in between the ads for Viagra and Aricept.

Quote:

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Originally posted by Fiveroptic

Huh. I didn't receive that one. But then, I only subscribe to Random Images Digest so I might have missed it in between the ads for Viagra and Aricept.

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That's a good bet, Jesus is known to hide out between boner pills and dementia meds.

Anyway, I think my spam filter doesn't catch it, cuz my MIL is in my addy list. From now on, I'll set it from stun to kill and see what that does. And in a weird, morbid sort of way, I have a fascination with glurg. It's like reading the ramblings of mad men. There's patterns and creepy tones that start to emerge, and you wonder what it must be like to view the world through their skewed version of reality. ::shudder::

Quote:

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Originally posted by sublight

It's funny, I remember this exact same thing from MAD Magazine, of all places. It was one of Dave Berg's "Lighter Side Of..." strips.

Kid is bothering Dad about having nothing to do, dad pulls a page out of a magazine with a world map, rips it up, and tells the kid to put it back together. Comments to himself how long it will take "especially with the mess the world is in nowadays."

Kid finishes in no time, Dad asks him how he did it so fast.

Kid says, "There was an ad with a man on the other side. Once I figured out the man, the world fell into place."

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iiinteresting... So this is plagiarized glurg from a secular comic, no less. Wonder if I can dig up the original...

Quote:

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Originally posted by cmyk

That's a good bet, Jesus is known to hide out between boner pills and dementia meds.

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I have no need for either of these pharmaceutical miracles. This is why I'll never find Jesus.

Here's mine. I have a friend (the only thing we have in common is a love for cooking- in e.v.e.r.y. other aspect we are polar opposites) who sends me this kind of shit all the time. I'll share the latest one (which was in a type size even bigger than this). Forgive the mind-numbing length:

Here is a new way to look at a deck of cards!!
Please do not delete! You will be glad you didn't.


Deck of Cards

It was quiet that day, the guns and the mortars, and land mines for some reason hadn't been heard.

The young soldier knew it was Sunday, the holiest day of the week.

As he was sitting there, he got out an old deck of cards and laid them out across his bunk.

Just then an army sergeant came in and said, 'Why aren't you with the rest of the platoon?'

The soldier replied, 'I thought I would stay behind and spend some time with the Lord.'

The sergeant said, 'Looks to me like you're going to play cards.'

The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,

I've decided to talk to the Lord by studying this deck of cards.'

The sergeant asked in disbelief, 'How will you do that?'

'You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.

The Two represents the two parts of the Bible, Old and New Testaments

The Three represents the Father, Son, and theHoly Ghost.

The Four stands for the Four Gospels: Matthew, Mark, Luke and John .

The Five is for the five virgins there were ten but only five of them were glorified.

The Six is for the six days it took God to create the Heavens and Earth.

The Seven is for the day God rested after making His Creation.

The Eight is for the family of Noah and his wife, their three sons and their wives -- the eight people God spared from the flood that destroyed the Earth.

The Nine is for the lepers that Jesus cleansed of leprosy He cleansed ten, but nine never thanked Him.

The Ten represents the Ten Commandments that God handed down to Moses on tablets made of stone.

The Jack is a reminder of Satan, one of God's first angels, but he got kicked out of heaven for his sly and wicked ways and is now the joker of eternal hell.

The Queen stands for the Virgin Mary.

The King stands for Jesus, for he is the King of all kings.

When I count the dots on all the cards, I come up with 365 total, one for every day of the year.

There are a total of 52 cards in a deck; each is a week - 52 weeks in a year.

The four suits represent the four seasons: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter.

Each suit has thirteen cards -- there are exactly thirteen weeks in a quarter.

So when I want to talk to God and thank Him, I just pull out this old deck of cards and they remind me of all that I have to be thankful for.'

The sergeant just stood there. After a minute, with tears in his eyes and pain in his heart, he said, 'Soldier, can I borrow that deck of cards?'

Please let this be a reminder and take time to pray for all of our soldiers who are being sent away, putting their lives on the line fighting

Prayer for the Military.

Please keep the wheel rolling. It will only take a few seconds of your time, but it'll be worth it to read on....

Lord, hold our troops in your loving hands.

Protect them.

Bless them and their families.

I ask this in the name of Jesus, our Lord and Savior.

Amen.

When you receive this, please stop for a moment and say a prayer for our servicemen and women all around the world.

There is nothing attached, but this can be very powerful.

Of all the gifts you could give a Soldier, prayer is the very best one.

Do not stop the wheel, please -- just send this on.

When forwarding, please keep this letter clean by deleting all forwarding information from the subject line and from the top of the letter.

In God I Trust!

Way to take some stupid Jesus crap and tie it to the military and shove it right down my throat. Because if I don't read it and fall to my knees and pray for our solders, then I must hate America.

Oh no! Those poor soldiers don't even have the freedom to worship Jesus.

That story brought a tear to my eye. Thanks for sharing it, annehere. Those brave men, thank the Lord they are out there fighting the Lord's enemies.

Going to my yahoo to check for glurge.

Read only if you have time for God.


Let me tell you, make sure you read all the way to the bottom. I almost deleted this email but I was blessed when I got to the end



God, when I received this e-mail, I thought...

I don't have time for this... And, this is really inappropriate during work.


Then, I realized that this kind of thinking is... Exactly, what has caused lot of the problems in our world today.

We try to keep God in church on Sunday morning...

Maybe, Sunday night...
And, the unlikely event of a midweek service.
We do like to have Him around during sickness...


And, of course, at funerals.

However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play...

Because.. That's the part of our lives we think... We can, and should, handle on our own.

May God forgive me for ever thinking...
That... there is a time or place where..

HE is not to be FIRST in my life.



We should always have time to remember all HE has done for us.



If, You aren't ashamed to do this...


Please follow the directions.

Jesus said, "If you are ashamed of me, I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

Not ashamed?


Pass this on ONLY IF YOU MEAN IT!!

Yes, I do Love God.

HE is my source of existence and Savior.


He keeps me functioning each and every day. Without Him, I will be nothing. But, with Christ, HE strengthens me. (Phil 4:13)





This is the simplest test.

If You Love God... And, are not ashamed of all the marvelous things HE has done for you...

Send this to ten people and the person who sent it to you!

Now do you have the time to pass it on?

Make sure that you scroll through to the end.

Easy vs Hard

Why is it so hard to tell the truth but Yet so easy to tell a lie?

Why are we so sleepy in church but Right when the sermon is over we suddenly wake up?

Why is it so easy to delete a Godly e-mail, but yet we forward all of the nasty ones?

Of all the free gifts we may receive, Prayer is the very best one....

There are no costs, but wonderful rewards... GOD BLESS!

Notes: Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Isn't it funny how someone can say "I believe in God" but still follow Satan (who, by the way, also "believes" in God).

Isn't it funny how you can send a thousand jokes through e-mail and they spread like wildfire, but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing?

Isn't it funny how when you go to forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it to them.
Isn't it funny how I can be more worried about what other people think of me than what God thinks of me.

I pray, for everyone who sends this to their entire address book, they will be blessed by God in a way special for them.
And send it back to the person who sent it, to let them know that indeed it was sent out to many more.
<hr size=2 width="100%" align=center>

Can you imagine sending that crap to one's entire address book?

I never get any inspirational glurge!

It's all "Buy our latest Apple product" or "Bet With Paddy-Fucking-Power", cos I checked my horse-racing results on the Sporting Life site once!

Bastards!





( I know, I know. Be careful what you wish for and that! )

What's really funny to me is when I get these from my pagan relatives who make hateful comments about Christians. They apparently don't actually pay attention to what they get in their email and just forward on any stupid crap that tells them they have to forward it.

If spam started giving out forward instructions, they'd probably send that on, too.

"Carrie, Carrie! It said if I forwarded this to ten people I'd get free Viagra for life!"

I'm not comfortable with the first story in the thread. It was supposed to be about putting Jesus where be belongs but it sounds like they think Jesus should be flattened out with steamrollers until he is the size of the whole United States, and then buried upside down.

A father wanted to download porn and beat off, but his young daughter, Porsche, was bored, and wouldn't leave him alone. "Play with me, Daddy," she kept saying. "I don't have anything to do."

"Why don't you do one of your jigsaw puzzles?" he asked, as his balls throbbed.

"I've done all of them," she whined.

"Fine," he said, "I'll make you one." He grabbed a magazine out of the recycle box, peeled a couple of Kleenex off the cover, and leafed through it.

"All right, here we go," he said, tearing out a page featuring a full-color picture of Jesus in some village scene or other. He tore it into tiny, tiny pieces. "Here," he said, giving the handful to Porsche. "This should keep you busy for a while."

She took the pile of paper fragments and went into the other room, as her father fired up his web browser and typed douching nuns dot com.

"I'm done, daddy," said Porsche a few minutes later. She appeared at the door as her daddy grabbed a sweater and draped it across his lap.

"What?" he barked, licking the sweat off his upper lip. "That was fast. I don't believe you. Let me see."

She held it up. Sure enough, she'd reassembled the picture without a single mistake.

He frowned. "That was really fast," he said. "How'd you do it?"

"Oh," she said, turning the picture over, "there was a map of the Earth on the other side. I figured out pretty fast that once I understood how the world was put together, I could forget about Jesus."

Cervaise, that brought tears to my eyes. Nobody has sent me glurge in a long time, but if it happens, I'd be tempted to share that noble piece of work with them.

God bless you, sir.

NOOOOO

Quote:

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Originally posted by jali

Read only if you have time for God.

<hr size=2 width="100%" align=center>

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TLDR

Quote:

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Originally posted by jali

However, we don't have time, or room, for Him during work or play...

Because.. That's the part of our lives we think...

[snip]

May God forgive me for ever thinking...

<hr size=2 width="100%" align=center>

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I dunno...that one really rang true to me...

Quote:

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Originally posted by cmyk

iiinteresting... So this is plagiarized glurg from a secular comic, no less. Wonder if I can dig up the original...

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Actually, now that I think about it, it was in one of Berg's books, so I don't know if it ever ran in the magazine.

Modern Thinking, IIRC.

Quote:

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Originally posted by annehere

Here's mine. I have a friend (the only thing we have in common is a love for cooking- in e.v.e.r.y. other aspect we are polar opposites) who sends me this kind of shit all the time. I'll share the latest one (which was in a type size even bigger than this). Forgive the mind-numbing length:

...

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Here it is in song form (the version I recognised it from is by Max Bygraves, but this one's 'sung' by Red Sovine). Its no less horrid than the written version, mind.

It may exist. But I've never gotten any. Instead, I get long lists of Jewish jokes and e-mails telling me what to be outraged about.

The last time Mom sent me an e-mail telling me I should be outraged about antisemitism in France, I responded 'Do you have a cite for any of these things occurring? Why should I believe random claims in some e-mail that could be entirely fictional? It says the events have been covered up. Remember how well that worked for China ( a country with no freedom of the press) with the whole Tianamen square thing? How do you cover up actual news in the age of the internet?'

There are two pieces of glurge I actually like.

"What do you mean how come I didn't send help? I sent a truck, a boat and a helicopter!"

The second is of G-d being mad at Abraham, long story short

"I've put up with him not believing in me for forty years! You can't put up with it for an hour or two? I told you to feed the hungry whether they believed in me or not. Now, go find that man and apologize for preaching at him and throwing him out."

Cervaise, that was brilliant. Do you mind if I forward that to my family the next time they send me something they obviously didn't read first? :twisted:

Ugh. Just today I got the "6 soldiers and 13 hands" one about the statue of the soldiers raising the flag at Iwo Jima. It basically tells a true story about all the soldiers there in the statue and then add that there are 13 hands on the statue and one of them is God's.... ooooohh. I don't doubt that many of the men at Iwo Jima felt what they believed to be the hand of god (if that's his belief) but don't tell me that it is in the statue. Because it is not. According to the man that sculpted it - quote:
"they only needed 12."

Yeah, I replied to all on that one. Yes, I guess I'm that gal.

Glurge writers never let the facts get in the way of a good (to them) story, particularly if it involves God. Or, for that matter, adding things to old glurge to make it more "relevant". For example, the story about the soldier and the pack of cards includes the line:

Quote:

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The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,

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which means the soldier is stationed somewhere in the Middle East (I don't know of any other place that might have restrictions against soldiers carrying Bibles). Except that the original story dates back to at least WWII (maybe the Civil War, for all I know), which means this had to be added in to make the point that as Christians we must constantly battle against the heathens who are trying to destroy our faith.

Quote:

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Originally posted by LurkMeister

Glurge writers never let the facts get in the way of a good (to them) story, particularly if it involves God. Or, for that matter, adding things to old glurge to make it more "relevant". For example, the story about the soldier and the pack of cards includes the line:

Quote:

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The soldier said, 'No, sir. You see, since we are not allowed to have Bibles or other spiritual books in this country,

---

which means the soldier is stationed somewhere in the Middle East (I don't know of any other place that might have restrictions against soldiers carrying Bibles). Except that the original story dates back to at least WWII (maybe the Civil War, for all I know), which means this had to be added in to make the point that as Christians we must constantly battle against the heathens who are trying to destroy our faith.

---

It's pretty funny to think people are being led to believe soldiers can't have Bibles by this glurg, considering there are organizations for providing Bibles to men in combat. So in a way, it's actually making people less likely to "spread the faith" because it's discouraging them from seeking out those organizations, by making them think they're not allowed.

As was mentioned above, the story about the soldier and the deck of cards was around a long time ago. I hated it then, and I hate it now. I have a friend who forwards glurge, I've actually had 2 of the ones mentioned here and I'm not even an American. I mean, why can't Canadians have their own glurge? I think I might take up creating it.

That was brilliant, Cervaise! I, too, would like to be able to forward it to the appropriate persons.

Quote:

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Originally posted by annehere

'You see the Ace, Sergeant? It reminds me that there is only one God.

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Aren't there four gods in a deck then?

Hm. Not a Trinity, then. A . . . . Quadrinity?

We gots the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost and . . . . Brian? Fred Bloggs? L. Ron Hubbard?

It's Bo.

Duh.

Quote:

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Originally posted by vison

<snip> I mean, why can't Canadians have their own glurge? I think I might take up creating it.
<snip>

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I've had the odd glurge with a Canadian slant obviously tacked on to what was originally American glurge, but you're right - we need our own. How about the story in the OP, except instead of Christ on the back, it could be a picture of Pierre Trudeau?

Quote:

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Originally posted by featherlou

Quote:

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Originally posted by vison

<snip> I mean, why can't Canadians have their own glurge? I think I might take up creating it.
<snip>

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I've had the odd glurge with a Canadian slant obviously tacked on to what was originally American glurge, but you're right - we need our own. How about the story in the OP, except instead of Christ on the back, it could be a picture of Pierre Trudeau?

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Ya know, I thought of that. I really did. But in all honesty, I just can't be as funny as Cervaise. I wish I could.

And anyway, who under the age of 85 would remember who the hell Trudeau was? Or Mulroney.

I know. We could have picture of Celine Dion. Or Ben Mulroney. Or - - Wayne Gretzky.

This sux. We just don't have any Canadians as famous as Jesus. :(

Why did he have to pick the US to be his home place?

Quote:

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Originally posted by vison

I mean, why can't Canadians have their own glurge?

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Or liberals, or Jews, or even just plain Lutherans or Methodists. Most glurge seems to be evangelical Christian and right-wing stuff, for some reason.

A guy I knew sent me that crap on a regular basis, and I noted from the forwarding lists that he'd send it to his like-minded friends, or they'd send it to him.

Finally, one day I emailed him back and said, if you're really my friend, you'll not fill my inbox with that crap, because I don't like it. If you really want to spread the good news, then go volunteer at an old folks home, a soup kitchen, or evangelize on a street corner. Show what you're made of my by your actions, not how quickly you can forward that tripe.

I'm prolly darned to the darkest level of heck, now. :p

I guess I'm really, REALLY luck-I cannot remember the last time I got a piece of glurge in my e-mail. The animal hospital DID send us a card with "The Rainbow Bridge" on it a few weeks ago after Noel died, but since I like that one (well, it never fails to make me cry like a baby), I don't think that counts.

Unfortunately, Mom is really, REALLY fond of "Footprints."



(Oh, and not too long ago, I got "Reading Sucks" from Amazon, a collection of four of the Beavis and Butthead books. One of them is "Chicken Soup for the Butt." It's awesome.)

Could you please share with us an excerpt from Chicken Soup For The Butt?

Quote:

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Originally posted by Guinastasia

Unfortunately, Mom is really, REALLY fond of "Footprints."

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You know what's really hateable about Footprints? It doesn't actually have the message the author intended, because when it all comes down to it, the times Jesus was carrying the narrator were when the narrator was most miserable. Thanks for the "help", Jesus.

Beaten to the joke.

What? Pedescribe, it seems like you would have special insight on Footprints.

Quote:

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Originally posted by Excalibre

Quote:

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Originally posted by Guinastasia

Unfortunately, Mom is really, REALLY fond of "Footprints."

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You know what's really hateable about Footprints? It doesn't actually have the message the author intended, because when it all comes down to it, the times Jesus was carrying the narrator were when the narrator was most miserable. Thanks for the "help", Jesus.

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Here you go.

I just got an email from one of my mother's best friends, who, recent taste in husbands notwithstanding, I have always thought of as a smart, with-it kinda gal. She sent me one of those "10 things that you didn't know were true" emails which I had to almost physically restrain myself from replying to. It ha dthe usual pablum: "There are at least five people in the world who think of you every night before they go to sleep, even if you don't know it" (creepy), but my favorite one was this: "Anyone who hates is in reality just jealous of you." Really? That's right, guys, the secret's out: we can all finally admit that we hate Hitler because we secretly envy his dashing 'stashe and desperately want to be loved by goose-steppers everywhere. And of course, tacked onto the end of the message were a buch of messages about faith ad angel wings, etc. Right - a mass email has finally made me see the error of my ways. I'm a believer!

What I'm getting from all this is that little Shelby still doesn't know any geography. Maybe we should give her a list of state capitals with Deuteronomy on the back.

Quote:

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Originally posted by DocCathode

What? Pedescribe, it seems like you would have special insight on Footprints.

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Okay, here you go. (Sadly, CSFTB is out of print, but you CAN get it with Reading Sucks. Perfect for glurge haters.


Life Sucks, Change It!

When you're watching something on TV that sucks, you change it. So when your life sucks, you should be able to change it, too.
Michael Jackson. His face sucked so he changed it. And Van Halen. They don't like their lead singers so t hey change them every couple of years. And that Superman guy. His girlfriend fell in a ditch, so he like, flew around the Earth and went back in time to get her out.

But if you're not a famous dude like Van Halen or Superman, there's not a lot you can do.

So get used to it, dumbass.

-Butthead.

The Worst Things in Life Are Free

Some people say, "the best things in life are free." They're probably buttcracks who also say "buy one get one free" and yell "Freebird!" at concerts.

A kick in the nads, school, Free Willy-those things are all free. And they all suck.

On the other hand, it costs like, $1,500 or something to buy a car, or take a chick out to dinner, or have someone killed.

If you think getting kicked in the nads is cooler than having someone killed, then you must be some kind of dumbass.

The best things in life cost money. Lots of money.

-Butthead

Oh, and just one more, because this would be a true "glurge-like" forward of a story:

The Day I got Free Nachos

It was, you know, like any other day. I took some nachos up to the counter at Maxi-Mart. But then the clerk guy said, "Just take 'em. Go!" I was like, "No way. This is the greatest day ever." And the clerk guy was like, "Just get the hell out of here." He was hanging around behind the counter with this dude in a black ski mask who kept saying, "Hurry it up, man." I guess they wanted to close the store early and go skiing or something.

So I got the hell out of there just like he said. I went home and show the nachos to Beavis. "Check it out, I'm truly blessed or something." Beavis wanted some of the nachos, but I was like, "No way! Pay for your own, buttmunch."

I'll never forget that day, cuz, like, sometime later that day the Maxi-Mart got robbed and the clerk guy was shot. He never worked there again. That sucked, cuz, the new clerk made me pay for my nachos.


-Butthead.

Just got my weekly glurge! I will snip out the glurge part, because....well, we all know pretty much what it says, but the remaining part is always my favorite!

It has never been broken. Within 48 hours send 20 copies (Or as
many as you can - God does know if you don't have 20 people to send it
to. It's the effort and intent that counts.) to family and friends.

This is a powerful Novena. Couldn't hurt. Can only help.

Please do not break it..

>hurl!<

Quote:

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Originally posted by annehere

This is a powerful Novena. Couldn't hurt. Can only help.]

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WTF is Novena? Sounds like the name of a new contraceptive pill.