I was thoroughly satisfied.
When one knows the town bicycle, when one sees someone else riding it, one is ___________________________.
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I was thoroughly satisfied.
When one knows the town bicycle, when one sees someone else riding it, one is ___________________________.
tempted to push him off it and into the mill pond, whether or not the vicar is watching one.
Our last vicar was over eight feet tall and weighed close to 40 stone. Naturally, _______________________
he disposed of the consecrated body and blood of christ in a brisk manner.
People who don't make an effort to return one's belongings, no matter how small, are nothing more than ______________________________________
pond scum unworthy of my time, attention or thoughts.
Capt. Nemo had a pretty cool submarine. If I had one like that, I'd __________________________________
hire a former woman friend to work in the galley and serve me food and drink face to face on a daily basis.
The best revenge is not living well, but rather ____________________________________.
seeing your foes fail, suffer and envy you while you live well.
I'm sure some ancient Greek philosopher must have said that at some point. Or maybe it was ________________________?
Anaximander's fragment, since one might cite the earliest as a matter of principle.
Recompense, regret, and modern theories of justice are several _________________________________.
of the things my Great Aunt Edna will talk about by the hour, if you let her.
My Great Aunt Edna is quite large for a woman her age, and has man hands. Let me tell ya, her grip could ____________________
crush a cue ball yet hold the shaft gently.
Aunt Edna always used to have rough hands, but she always knew how to _________________________________________________.
properly moisturize, even when parachuting behind enemy lines during World War II.
I refuse to buy any car, truck, van, motorcycle, personal jet or helicopter that isn't bright yellow; after all, ________________
I have difficulty remembering my colors and the lights are growing dim.
When one isn't quite sure of the gender of a person, one might in private conversation refer to it as __________________________.
"Hey, you of indeterminate gender!"
Suave and sophisticated fellow that I am, I simply can't help myself, in crowded social situations, from __________________________________________
using the highest discretion when examining prospective mates: only from behind, and always from the shadows.
The nice thing about yoga pants is that _____________________.
they slide off so satisfyingly easily from all the supermodels I meet.
The last time I was in breezy, sophisticated, cosmopolitan Blawnox, Pa., of course I just had to ___________________
check up on my sister-wife and see if she been doing her pilates.
Nice thing about having girl bosses is that _____________________________.
most of them - not all, mind you - is good folks.
I don't know about you, but when I saw that enormous meteor screaming down towards Boise last week, I just about _____________________
crapped in my hands and rubbed it in my face.
One isn't really sure if wrapping one's car around a stop sign and damaging it really needs to report oneself to the city, but one is sure that ______________________________.
if one doesn't, someone else just might, even in Boise with that enormous meteor screaming down towards it.
The last time I went to a wedding, afterwards I kissed the bride, shook the groom's hand and then naturally ___________________
started to gobble down on that turkey neck, because that is a ridiculous sentence.
I was glad to see a good missing bartender today first time in a month or so because she had some great __________________.
thoughts on 14th-century agriculture, about which we had barely scratched the surface before she jetted off to Singapore.
Sure, you can say that you want to buy that $8 million Rochefoucauld wristwatch, but really, let's be honest, ______________________
a Casio or a Citizen with a slide rule bezel and a chronograph is really all one needs.
Only problem with the Swiss is that they ____________________________.
may say they don't recognize the Rochefoucauld movie reference, but you just know that, with a little Googling, they'd get it right away.
I have eighteen black staplers, eight red and three green ones, and I think if I get another one I'll probably __________________
recreate the Stations of the Cross, using plenty of metal fasteners AKA staples.
M. de La Rochefoucauld was a pretty sharp dude, but kids these days __________________________________________.
are just gonna look at their phones anyway, and they can easily Google it if they ever need to know the times in Monte Carlo, Beverly Hills, London, Paris, Rome and Gstaad.
I think the town of Gstaad either needs another vowel, or just has one out of place, but as my Great Aunt Edna always says, ______________________________
it's free to those who can afford it, but very expensive to those who cannot.
The best thing about chatting with a lovely woman and making plans to meet up in ten minutes for a quick bite to eat is when she __________________________________________.
says, "And later, perhaps, depending on how our meal goes, we can go back to my place for a night of mind-blowing Scrabble."
The last time that happened to me, let me tell you, pal, I couldn't believe ______________________________
that this woman ditched me after a good hour of pleasant conversation while I went to the men's room to do some stuff.
The thing about a man's ego is that it's _______________________.
always in danger of being bruised if not broken by the next pretty girl.
I've never met a woman named Wilfreda, pretty or otherwise, but if I did, I bet that _______________________
she probably would have had the right stuff: just a guess!
When a bartender invites you to a pretty swanky Italian restaurant, drives you there herself, and insists on paying for everything, for some inscrutable reason, the only thing is __________________________________.
... I have to wonder, of course, as to whether there'll be enough grated Parmesan cheese on hand.
I watched the new Peter Jackson documentary The Beatles: Get Back over the weekend, and unlike most people, I was thinking ________________________
this movie is not nearly long enough!
Deciding to actively despise every aspect of another person can lead to positive _______________________________________.
energy when you decide to finally just take the plunge and become a supervillain (especially if that other person is a superhero).
My favorite supervillain is probably The Underminer, although there's something to be said for ___________________
He Who Openly Mocks And Shames (not a very wieldy name, but that's why he's a supervillain, although not very well known).
The nice thing about meeting desirable, intelligent women is that there's always another ________________________________.
beer or three in the fridge if things are going well.
The last time I was in Beirut, I met a really nice girl, but after talking for more than two hours in an oceanside cafe she ______________________________
revealed herself.....as an amateur astrology fanatic.
The greatest gift space cadets gave to we [ed. yes, but "give" is a copulative verb, AFAIK, and besides, it's idiomatic] mere earthlings was ____________________________________
a better appreciation of humanity's relative lack of importance in the greater cosmos.
The last time I visited Proxima Centauri IV, I forgot to pack my _________________________
towel.
The odd thing about women is that they can and do change their ________________________________.
minds, about fjords and babelfish and towels and leaders with two heads and even Vogon poetry, and yet remain hoopy froods.
Of course I recognize that reference; I wasn't born on Proxima Centauri IV yesterday, or even ___________________
that other place I can't recall.
The weird thing about astrology is that it _____________________.
sometimes (only once in awhile, mind you), has nothing at all to do with who you are or what you'll do in life.
"On the other hand," Alan Greenspan once told me, "reading your horoscope before making high-stakes investing decisions can really ________________________________."
put you in the big league company of Nancy Davis."
When a bartender is being a superbitch to you and complains about the music you put on the jukebox, only thing to do is ___________________________________.
feed in as many quarters as you have, punch in the same song over and over and over again, and leave.
A friend of mine actually did that once. No, really, he did! No fooling. Pretty funny, except for ____________________________________________
that the bartender was a super-mega-ulttra bitch and just shut thre whole thing down while being a super-mega-ultra bitch about it.
Nice thing about exhanging phone numbers with a non-bitch who is easy on the eyes is that ______________________________________
you never know when she might ask you to pick the next song on the jukebox.
When you see the newest James Bond movie, No Time to Die, be sure to ________________
not see it, because one is tired.
When setting up a first date with a gal, be sure to __________________________
confirm that she has no STDs, asking, of course, for written confirmation on a doctor's letterhead. Chicks dig that magical little bit of romance.
The last time I did that, it will not surprise you to learn, ______________________________________
that I got slapped in the face and a box of prophylactics thrown at my dick.
Having dates outdoors when it's cold as hell is sure to lead to _________________________________
(if you're lucky) prolonged snuggling under blankets and occasional giggles, to which I have no objection at all.
The last time I was in Singapore, I met a man who tried to convince me not only that the Moon was made of green cheese, but that _________________________
paled in comparison to the time this former lady friend and a current interest spent who knows how many minutes chatting without my supervision.
Worse than a sewing circle it is, when a few ________________________________
gibbons decide to tie you down and give you an involuntary manicure without anesthesia.
The last time that happened to me, I naturally called my Great Aunt Edna and shouted, "_________________________"
Edna! Edna! The hen party has begun! Keep sentries on high alert."
Nice thing about having Arthur Fonzarelli and Dean Martin as role models is that __________________________________________________
, along with Anthony Fauci, Frank Sinatra and Antonin Scalia, you have a substantial fraction of the Italian American Hall of Fame in your corner.
The last time I visited the IAHOF, the admission charge had gone up to ten bucks. Naturally, I __________________________________________
found an ethnic-looking woman, borrowed about ten children from a local schoolyard, and went with her and them to the office to complain loudly
The only time you can text twice in a row to a woman is when ______________________________________________
you texted something so shockingly offensive the first time that you have to do immediate damage control.
My flying car's turbofans are a little louder than usual; I'm thinking maybe ________________________________________
I had a rabbit in a hat with a bat and a ’64 Impala.
The only bad thing about drinking Black Bush at a bar is _____________________________
when some big, ugly biker guy comes over and says you were making eyes at his skanky biker girl, and you were, but you didn't think he'd noticed, and he says he hates anyone who drinks Black Bush, and you just know that all the sweet talk in the world ain't gonna make this go away.
When that happens to me, well, naturally I say a little prayer and then just _____________________________
lie back and think of England: it's always a good ride.
Saying to a literal drag queen in full drag, with whom one is close friends, about some interlopers on the pool table her, I and two others were playing, "Meh, bunch of faggots," should not have entailed __________________________________________________
an armed attack by the local branch of the Second Amendment LGBTQI Pool League.
This Christmas Day, unlike all previous ones, I finally got around to __________________
being consumed by annoyance at thin-skinned people.
The best response to an inappropriate slur in a public place is to say, "Oh yeah, well _______________________"
: I'm rubber and you're glue - anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you!" Then stick your tongue out at them to underline the message: I am a mature adult.
I've often asked Pee-wee Herman for advice on how to deal with the perils and pitfalls of modern American life, and all in all I've found that he ____________________
only cares about three things: his bicycle, Dottie, and Speck.
I thought about dressing up as Richard Speck for Halloween, but then someone said _____________________________
, "Aren't there more recent and more readily-recognizable serial killers you could pretend to be?"
The good people of Belgium know and love me, especially because when I'm there, I always _____________________________________
make sure to taunt the Flemish in French, and gird myself for a beer-fueled fistfight: trust me, they love it.
The great thing about having a boxer's fracture in one's dominant hand is that __________________________
it gives you a convenient excuse to have a Sherpa with you at all times to do dominant-handed things for you.
Interviewing and hiring Sherpas can be a pain in the ass, it's true, but trust me, ___________________
I saw a former she-Sherpa today and, believe you me, they're pretty intensely passive-aggressive, bless their hearts.
The one thing talking over the two-way radio has over using the megaphone to give direction is that it ___________________________________
can be a bit more private, as well as not annoying the neighbors or causing any nearby souffles to fall.
If Betty White had made it to her 100th birthday, bless her, I really hope she would've __________________________________________
invoked an ancient gypsy curse against Elon Musk, after accepting an offer of a ride into space: you see, she would have been disappointed at the duration of her flight.
Involuntarily subtle facial ticks sometimes occur when encountering __________________________________
someone who mistakes tics for ticks.
This time next week I should be in Cairo, Egypt, where I naturally plan to eat drink 'way too much, ride a camel, see the pyramids and ___________________________
correct the spelling of the people while burying one's head in the warm lap of a sun-toasted native.
The only days I refrain from muttering "I'm getting too old for this shit" are days when _________________________________
Danny Glover is nearby, and says it first.
Mel Gibson has a thing for strawberry ice cream, oddly enough, and has been known to _____________________________________
favor the Neapolitan, because he is a shocker chocolate lover.
I always say "Yo <insert name >! <insert quick question>?" at high volume and with maximum expedience because ___________________________________
that's how I learn what I gotta know in a hurry. Word.
The next time somebody uses the word "shenanigans," I swear to God, I'm gonna _________________________________
seriously consider going down on her, freshly washed or not, because that word is indispensable!
TNP should probably avoid smoking some of a 28% THC joint at home, for future reference, because ______________________________________
he lacks a medical marijuana card and has no plans (or need) to get one.
TNP has seen this classic movie moment about shenanigans: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JNPW2wZ4D2s
And wonders WTH who or what is a "TNP," exactly?
The only reason I've avoided getting into fistfights in public recently is that my would-be assailants are _______________________________.
so addled, they mix up the "Finish my sentence" threads with the "The next person" threads!
When I first saw Super Troopers, the very funny Vermont cop comedy, I laughed so hard that ________________
I actually pistol whipped the next guy that [sic] said 'shenangians.'
Once upon a time, like, say, recently, it was said that shouting "WOOOHOOOO!!!!" was redolent of _____________________________
the misty, lush morning mist drifting across an Irish meadow. Or was that Blawnox?
I've long hoped to visit Blawnox, Pa. and sample its many cultural and artistic delights, but so far, _____________________________________
all I found was McClintock spanking Maureen O'Hara, and it was decidedly unalluring.
When I bantered with a coworker whom I hadn't seen in a few weeks, I almost felt guilty about looking at her ass, in a discreet fashion; I then remembered that she __________________________________
gave me a sly smile and a definite wiggle when she last caught me doing it, and then I felt a bit better.
I never have time to read the paper anymore. Instead, I _______________________
occasionally pick one up for the crossword puzzle, and as material for making rudimentary hats.
There is no good reason to avoid "flexing" by demonstrating extraordinary grit and skill, even when one's only audience are married, uninterested, or "involved" women, except but that __________________________________________________ __
one should never do it for cardiothoracic surgeons, French chefs, school crossing guards and/or traffic cops who might thus be distracted from their important duties.
Tomorrow night I'll be having a Zoom chat with some high school friends; I sure hope, for once, that George doesn't _____________________
flash the little sizzler on the broadcast channel, because it's no good!
Mirabile dictu, the greatest thing about commuting in extremely dense fog at 0 dark thirty is that __________________________________________.
I can finally use the Army-surplus targeting radar I had installed on my car.
If I have to take part in one more damn Zoom session on a topic I don't care about, I swear I'll ____________________
whip it out just like Lyndon Johnson.
Dr. Octagonecologyst is one of the best people to search out ______________________________________________
new life and new civilizations... you know, after the gallant crew of the USS Enterprise have had a shot.
In my next life, I'd like to be a combination rap star/bricklayer/podiatrist/________________________________________.
cleanser-of-optical lenses/keyboard mechanic.
The last time I dumped a full twenty ounces of white wine onto a digital keyboard, I figured _______________________________________
the dramatic sparks alone made it worth the expense of a new $%^&! keyboard.
Sometimes, I've heard it said, it's not even worth chewing through the restraints in the morning; but if you ask me, ___________________
the girl's got rhythm, indeed a backseat rhythm.
She give me first degree, enough to satisfy me, said this bloke who __________________________
then insisted on discussing the collected works of Soren Kierkegaard with me for, jeez, I don't know, like two or three hours.
Unless I'm in a graduate seminar on Christian philosophy, I'd just as soon ________________
keep procrastinating at reading Augustine's *Civitas Dei*.
The good thing about Aquinas's *Summa Theologica* is that it really makes the ladies ___________________________________________
swoon and pant for more when I read aloud from it in my deepest manly voice.
I keep thinking about pepperoni pizza, but then I remember that it's Monday and _____________________________________
rejoice in that I have a fresh frozen pepperoni pizza in the freezer, ready to be "cooked"!
The bad thing about miscommunications over two-way radios is that sometimes one's interlocutor ________________________________
is being hunted down by Waffen-SS troops and gives his position away at exactly the wrong moment.
The last time I took my time machine back to March 3, 1943, let me tell you, I ________________________________________________
was like, "Whu?" and say to myself, what?
Getting some strange off a nice lady is OK but after all night, the neck and shoulders is sore as _____________________________
you would probably expect from being locked in a passionate grip for just a bit too long by the aforementioned nice lady.
I've been learning about the fictional French detective Maigret, who seems somewhat similar to Columbo of the LAPD, including his habit of ________________
rocking a pretty mean overcoat.
Good thing about men with large appetites is that their women ____________________________
tend to be talented cooks who are pleased to share their culinary talents with friends. Not always, but pretty often, in my experience.
Well, Monday is almost over, and I haven't even once __________________________________________________ _____
smelled that good woman smell on my fingers for a few days.
But now that it's Thursday, I still got some smell of ___________________________________________
crispy apple fritters clinging to me from my Great Aunt Edna's semiweekly marathon frying session.
The first thing most people notice about my Great Aunt Edna is how broad-shouldered she is, and the second thing is what a big laugh she has. The third thing, usually, is _____________________
the notion of drowning her in the nearest toilet bowl.
Usually when someone has an annoying laugh, the best action is to _______________________________
try to laugh exactly the same way they do, then stop at the same time, and if they give you a dirty look, say, "What? That's just how I laugh, too."
I'll be visiting the campus of Miskatonic University next week for a seminar, and the first thing I want to do after that is ____________________________
decide if I'm too jetlagged to call up the cheesemonger for a little rendez-vous.
Sleep deprivation, excessive alcohol use, and stress in one's personal life are about equally bad when it comes to ______________________
falling short in pleasing one's bed partner... or partners.
It's not the big white whale and all the nautical jibber-jabber I object to in Melville's Moby-Dick; truth be told, it's the _____________
seamen in the book, on every page, loaded up with filthy, foul-smelling seamen.
When I saw that a new friend responded very positively to me after a day or so, I decided to __________________________________________________ __
diligently and unnervingly stalk her until she made that sweet, sweet first police report.
In all of my dealings with the police, as it happens, I've found that ________________________________________
first I look at the purse.
Some fellas look at the eyes, some fellas look at the nose; some fellas look at the size, but ______________________________________________
none look at a copy of the Farmer's Almanac and say, "S'pose...."
The next time I go to Boston, I'm definitely gonna ____________________________________
think twice before going for a jog and making jokes about being the OG Shoe Bomber.
I have a girl who lives below the hill, but if she ain't make it her __________________________________
brother might force you to drink something he calls wine but what I call swill.
I think I should try to meet someone other than the girl who lives below the hill and her brother; maybe I could ______________________
make a good living as a Yanqui swill-dropping sumbit.
For every woman who is more beautiful up close than at a distance, one would ____________________________
expect to find a dude who is much more handsome when seen from well across the county line.
TNP can name at least five counties in Texas.
And then TNP thought to TNP, "What in hell's tarnation is the blasphemous creation of this obstreperous initialisms, since ain't been no Thomas Nancy Pryce-Waterford round here no parts in half decade."
Still, TNP enjoys being berated for one's housekeeping, cobwebs and such, but one provisos that the berater be _________________________________________
funny and adorable and/or hawt.
TNP thinks dusting is a waste of time. It's just gonna get dusty again anyway, right?
Damn right.
The thing about "nesters" is that they never think about _________________________
whether I want those #$%^&! sparrows building a house under the rain gutter in the first place.
TNP watched the Oscars broadcast last night.
__________ and then I thought to myself, "What? Why the hell would I watch that insipid glam-fest?"
Calling a little gal pal a "disposable trinket" is probably a good idea if ___________________________________
you wanna get kicked right in the 'nads, and hard.
(D'oh! Got the threads mixed up again. Sorry.)
People who can't keep the Mellophant game threads straight really oughta consider _______________________________
self-medication, and hard.
It's frustrating when a woman calls one up and says "I thought we were going to meet up, I thought you wanted to talk," but _____________________________________________
then says she's since made plans to wash her hair and be probed by grey aliens.
When the grey aliens say they come in peace, I always wonder if ______________________
they're coming for my ass.
TNP thinks that, beyond being very "meta," it is meet and right to refuse service to a woman who ___________________________
is called Meta because her parents really deserve it for inflicting such a weird name on her.
I've known two women and one guy named Meta in my life, and all of them _____________________
are completely fictitious, because it's just not a name (Zubin Mehta excepted).
The key to avoiding all contact with a former romantic partner is to, above all, _________________________________________.
move offworld if you can afford it. I hear Vulcan is lovely this time of year, although a trifle warm.
The last time I was on the Klingon homeworld, I nearly _____________________________
accidentally on purpose found myself in Pon farr season, and it was very awkward.
As a result, I found myself a very adept partner in the outer realms, and although she was a female this time, and I was on the rebound, there were certain ________________________________
complications when I realized she was an even bigger Trekker than I was, but no Vulcan.
I really should find out what kind of liquor my boss likes; after this week I'd bet ________________
she'd go to town on my rod, just like a good boss should.
The only thing worse than definitively calling it off with a dame is when _____________________
she wants to stay together and you just can't bring yourself to dump her. Plus she's beautiful, great in the sack and a billionaire.
If someone offered me a billion dollars, I'd probably just laugh and ______________________________
say, "Sure, why not, and qualify me into the Boston Marathon too, and we got a deal."
The problem about qualifying for certain events is that _________________________
then people expect you to actually, you know, follow through and do them. And I haven't run a marathon in, like, forever.
If I had to really run a marathon, I'd probably want to get a really good pair of shoes, and then ____________________
probably take a few lines of blow from a trusted source and hope I didn't have a heart attack at mile two.
The best thing about putting down a sick girlfriend is the regrets one _____________________________
inevitably feels at killing another human being, however much you thought, at the moment, that she deserved it.
I would never admit to murder on a public message board, even one as cool as Mellophant, because ___________________________
it ain't meet and right.
Always time I put my business in the street it's because they girls is ____________________________
gots to work hard for the money and bring it all home to their Daddy Pops, what takes care of 'em and looks out for 'em, dig?
I haven't pretended to be a Seventies pimp in at least __________________________________
four, no three, no: what's all this "pretending" to be a Seventies pimp about, anyway?
Flava Flav is the best hype man because __________________________
he knows the score, preaches the truth, lays all his cards on the table and ain't afraid of nobody, man.
When my Great Aunt Edna met Flava Flav back in 1990, I heard from a reliable source that she could barely ____________________
handle the rawl funk.
When Aunt Edna was summarily dismissed from attending one particular bartender's shift for spurious reasons, she immediately _________________________.
went to the nearest liquor store, bought everything she would have bought from him, and then drank it all out there on the sidewalk while making lewd gestures at him through the bar's large plate-glass window.
Great Aunt Edna is quite a kidder. I remember that one time she invited Robert Goulet over for banana pancakes and __________________
he said, "What, no bananas today, Madam?"
The greatest thing about wearing the color red on Pentecost is ____________________________.
that you don't actually burst into flame when you do. At least, hardly ever.
The first time I tried to build a campfire on my own, I __________________
built a pyre consisting of wooden simulacra of my enemies, lit several matches and laughed well into the night, and the fire raged on until morning.
The best thing about working alongside slothful imbeciles is that ________________________
you can easily outmaneuver them for the best parking spot in the morning.
I have to hit the road tomorrow morning; yes, it's that time again, time for me to _____________
surreptitiously dump my remains upon the private lot.
One thing I never get tired of seeing, among the hobo camps of RVs and associated sturdy beggars, is the good ____________________________
people of Blawnox sending drones overhead to dump milk jugs filled with lemonade (or something else) all over them.
Blawnox in June is really something you have to see for yourself; let me tell you, when _______________
those gals step out in their sundresses, and hit the video poker machines, ain't nothing like it, tell you what!
There's a time when the smells of summer become ______________________________
so delightful, so refreshing and evocative that I can only lean back in my backyard chair, inhale deeply and smile to myself.
Reading about today's SCOTUS decision reversing Roe v. Wade made me ______________
want to ride the high country, rawdog style.
Problem with using condoms is also a problem with not using them, namely _____________________________
that you have the choice between (a) greater pleasure for a few minutes and (b) some potentially lethal, crotch-rotting STD that they don't even have a polysyllabic name for yet.
I think Crotch-Rotting STDs would actually be a pretty cool band name, but when I ran it by my Great Aunt Edna the other day, she said, "___________________________________."
I like 'crotch-rotting' very much, but need one reference medical conditions such as 'STDs'?
I told her that Mary Jane Rottencrotch doesn't much care for her opinions, because her ___________________________________________
very existence is limited to the lyrics of U.S. military march cadences.
The last time I visited a boot camp, I practically _________________
became unhinged upon receiving my induction haircut.
When I participated in my first "blanket party," I dropped ___________________________
a line to my mom the next day saying that everything was just great at boot camp... but deep down I hated myself.
My dog is convinced that he ______________________
tells me secret commands in the form of various klaxons.
The only thing better than drinking 0.0% ABV "hop water" at a bar is ________________________________.
enjoying a glass of just about kind of halfway-decent hard liquor.
As I'm listening to the klaxons for my dog's latest secret commands, naturally I'm wondering ______________
how long until the dog starts pulling its pud in perfect time.
You know, a Werewolf of London may have had perfect hair, but it never did quite __________________________________
reach the top of the pop charts on either side of the pond.
I'd meant to mow the lawn today, but then I hurt my finger and then it rained, so _______________
since it offended me, I cut it off.
The best thing to do when one loses the top button of a wool blazer is to ______________________________
wail loudly, whip yourself in mortification and, of course, promptly offer up a human sacrifice to the Wool Blazer God.
I've been looking around here for a Church of the Itchy Yet Magnificent Wool Blazer God for months, but my Great Aunt Edna just told me, "_____________________"
Be a man! Create your own Church of Menswear! Rub vanilla behind your ears and you'll smell like cookies all day!
The worst part, as my beloved Pater omnipotentem said, of commuting as a passenger in someone else's car, is not minding that _____________________________.
the driver clips her toenails while traveling through construction zones at over 90 mph.
Boston drivers are notoriously aggressive and inconsiderate; I would even call them ________________________________
Redsox fans.
Those higher pursuits in life claimed by Deputy Marshall Sam McCloud include _____________________________________
competitive Parcheesi, water skiing, Tibetan sex rituals and correctly spelling "Marshal" with only one L.
Those who insist on correct spelling on the Internet really should be ___________
awarded a grand prize for also remembering how to spell "sheriff."
Deputy Marshal Sam McCloud deserves a medal for all he'd done for _________________________________
Seventies men's fashion, popularizing cowboy hats as stylish urban headwear and all.
The next time I wear a cowboy hat, lemme tell ya, pilgrim, I'll be _______________
saying "There ya go!"
When the Chief starts getting a burr under his saddle, well, I'll be dipped if I don't just go _______________________________
see if Miss Nelly down at the saloon don't want a roll in the hay - just to pass the time, mind ya, until the Chief's in a mite better mood.
And then, in another page, Iliza Schlesinger came and presented herself to the rugged man as while she, unbeknowst to him, picked _________________________
out the six most promising rums from all of those presented for her consideration by the Slovenian bartender.
However, the Slovenian bartender, unbeknownst to her, was actually _______________
a handy technician who competently installed the state-mandated ignition interlock device.
However, the gal at the cash register not only had captivating dark eyes, she _______________________________________
could juggle up to nine tennis balls at the same time while singing "Tubthumping," winning her a place on Blawnox's Got Talent!
The last time I saw that show, as I told future Sen. John Fetterman (D-Penna.), I just had to _______________________
exlaim "My word! That's future Sen. John Fetterman! He is a member of the Democratic Party, and he's likely not from Bucks County!"
The last time a future senator tried to blow and go, he _______________________________
got caught by the County Sheriff, who did not look at all pleased.
But that was OK, because the future senator, in addition to being nine feet tall and possessing the truly remarkable power to transmute base alloys into gold, also _________________
is known to have been the inventor of and creator of the prototype of the infamous "steely dan" sex toy.
This modern-day Buckaroo Bonzai, polymath extraordinaire, once wrote in his lab journal that "Ideas of various sorts may sometimes emerge fully formed within our dreams, but the real mettle of this cauldron of creativity is to be found in ____________________________."
the cooing praise of the leggy supermodels to whom one shows one's lab journal."
Chuck Norris, Albert Einstein, JFK and Buckaroo Banzai, if they were all rolled together, had nothing on this future senator, whose previously-undisclosed name, I may now finally tell you, was ________________
...there was no monster!
Ever since film "legend" Bill Rebane "directed" the "movie" Monster A-Go-Go, telephones have been _______________________
ringing, uh, whatever the opposite is of "off their hooks."
If Bill Rebane had directed Saving Private Ryan, the Tom Hanks character would probably have _____________
worn a glorious, stained back brace.
The thing about Bill Rebane most people don't know is that he's Wisconsin's most _______________________
accomplished nose flutist, having won international awards on at least half an occasion.
After Bill Rebane, my favorite celebrity nose flutist probably has to be (and this will surprise most people) __________________________
Weird Al Yankovic, who is a credit to his race.
Whenever Weird Al unscrews his pool cue and opens his case, he __________________________________
can be sure that he will not be mistaken for Jackie Gleason.
I have to drive downstate tomorrow to meet my Great Aunt Edna; I'll be sure to take along ________________
my cherished Bengals sweatshirt and hat, so as to avoid being beaten savagely.
The last time someone said "Fuck Buffalo, they should be driven into a ravine" I immediately retorted ____________________________
, in utter seriousness, "There's no ravine deep enough for that band of losers, reprobates, idjits and Campfire Girls."
You may think those sentiments are unduly harsh, but I assure you, ___________________.
at least one of my fellow associates did not divulge that another was "placing a sizeable wager on the Browns" in the toilet, to explain his absence from the launchpad/drivelane when I gave the order to prepare for exit.
Uncle Meat may have never seen a no-hitter, much less in a minor league game, but Aunt ____________________________________
Edna - my Great Aunt Edna, that is - had seen at least six by the autumn of 1947.
The next year, when President Truman was elected to the surprise of many, Uncle Meat said, "___________
well, hell, there goes what could have been a damned fine whorehouse piano player."
Uncle Meat thinks very little of the Liberty Creek line of wines, however _____________________
, he'll guzzle a bottle or three of them without too much griping if there's nothing better available.
Now that winter truly seems behind us, I intend to _________________
fully invest myself into wearing shorts where possible.
The problem with becoming "man who wears shorts always" is that the little __________________________
kids around the neighborhood keep trying to take selfies with me.
That's ok, though, because I know that deep down, they ___________________________
just want ice cream.
One good thing about ice cream is __________________
I can't eat it because I don't want to get dry rot from a recently extracted tooth.
The best thing about guitarists is that they won't ever ______________________________________.
suck as much as pianists!
Even though it looks like Jizzelbin and I are the only ones here, ________________________________
there are enemy agents scanning, watching, observing.
Someone once left their carbon-fiber pool cue in the backseat of their car, and when they came back __________________________________________________ ___
they accidentally sat on it and had a funny walk for a week.
When it comes to playing pool, _____________________________
never trust the person with the cue case who can't even manage a break shot without a miscue.
The last time someone set their fancy cue chalk on the table __________________________________________________ ________.
I threw it at their head and chased them out of the building.
It's true that pool players are the kind of people who ________________________________
inevitably lead to sardonic posts on Mellophant.
(Welcome back, Trojan Man!)
I hardly ever play pool anymore because _____________.
the only pool tables I have access to are in pubs, and I don't like pubs.
(Hello, EH! How do you do bold/italic/etc? The formatbbuttons aren't working for me).
The last time I saw a live chicken, ________________________
I cut its nose off and fed it to my goldfish.
The best thing about e-mailing to outsourced HR people and such is that __________________________________________________ ________________--
(Trojan Man, the format buttons don't work for me, either, so I have to do it manually. If you quote one of my posts, like this one, you'll see how it's done: open bracket, the letter i for italics or b for bold, close bracket, then the word or words you want to be thus shown. Then open bracket, backslash, the same single letter, and close bracket.)
In play:
you can never be sure just when (if ever) they'll get around to responding.
If it were up to me, all email worldwide would be ____________________.
containing good news only.
(Thanks EH)
*in play*
While technology has it's perks, ______________________________