Xenophobically cheering whatever The Donald yammers.
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Xenophobically cheering whatever The Donald yammers.
Yanking on the tits of a malfeasor until they bleed and show sternum.
Zigging when the coach shouts that you should be zagging.
Alpha-male posturing.
Belly laughs during funerals.
Chewing nicotine gum while smoking.
Diving headfirst from the high board into very shallow water while holding newborn kittens.
Evacuating your bowels into a nest of fingerling kittens.
Farting vigorously and malodorously while entertaining the Ladies' Guild.
Grabbing-ass on the train, with your eyes.
Heaving car batteries through the plate-glass windows of the Archbishop of Canterbury between 2 and 3am on Christmas morning.
Inking inquiringly at the brown stain of a foul biped.
Jumping off very high buildings with parachutes made of cocktail napkins.
Krusty-burgering the good name of Stan Musial.
Logging into every porn site you can find in the name of the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Motherfucking a motherfucker.
Never giving to charity no matter how they beg you.
Opting in to a class-action suit and receiving a check that requires screwing around with a mobile app to deposit.
Pushing heroin on adorable little Girl Scouts.
Queefing while in bed.
Resurrecting dead cats and throwing them at the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Sequestering the Archbishop's head beneath your pillow.
Tangling with an outlaw biker gang while wearing a pink silk tutu.
Urinating figuratively on small efforts at home economics.
Vigorously shaking cans of beer before opening them over priceless Turkish rugs.
Wondering wherefore women, vile humans like every man, can have the power to coerce by their very existence a good man into villainy and worse.
Xylophones? I think I'll give one to every three-year old I know, to be very loudly played when their parents are trying to sleep.
Yowling slowly, high-pitchedly, like a hyena or a content cat, as you push into the eyeballs with a small tool, arousing the approbation of Satan's instruments, the dog-masters, who signal by licking their white teeth.
Zeroing in on the shyest person at a party, introducing yourself, and then loudly talking about some part of his or her body as if it's the most remarkable thing you've ever seen in your entire life.
Asking a bitch if she likes to chew dentate exposed feuilles from great huge Indian jodphurs, king-like, making noises of overly public queefing, reminding sexes to unify, virginify, while x-acto-knifing your zealotry and applauding. In the ass.
Bobbing for apples when you have a really bad cold.
Cramming for a colonoscopy test.
Delicately taking apart your Aunt Ethel's favorite clock and throwing all the parts into a cardboard box.
Excavating the wrong body.
Felching rabid goats at the church social.
Goat-fucking
Harassing the Archbishop of Canterbury with obscene phone calls at all hours.
Inching your way slowly, along the edge of a straight razor, and not surviving.
Jauntily putting a dead marmoset atop the head of the Republican presidential nominee.
Kicking a dead dog into the ravine.
Licking cane toads even after their owner asks you to stop.
Nigggling. That is all.
Messing with alphabetical order.
Ovulating right after reading Vietnamese spam.
Putting an infant of an enemy on a spit.
Quietly replacing all the sugar with salt on restaurant tables.
Rutting a buck
Siphoning off gasoline from ambulances.
Taking a fucking big piece of fetus from a woman's womb.
Undulating sensuously and moaning orgasmically as you're introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Vagisilling an unwilling cellmate.
Willfully dumping 5,000 Fizzies into the pool during a swim meet.
X-Raying an x-ray tube using another x-ray tube to generate x-rays.
Yelling "Don't forget your ointment, Timmy!" to your son as he walks onto a college campus for the first time.
Zippering a zipper-head after you zapped 'em.
Adulterating children's milk with cyanide and sawdust.
Bitching at your mom via text, while saying "up yours," and "go fuck yourself." Ah, family reunions! Joy.
Callously knocking down your jerk of a nephew's elaborate Lego tower.
Deliberately knocking down the delusions of your nephew.
Exercising during prayer vigils.
Fisting an offender in front of their children, instead of challenging them to a duel.
Giving your dueling opponent a non-functioning pistol.
Hand-waving a holocaust.
Ignoring the screams of the other passengers as you seize the controls of the supersonic jet.
Jacking it. Just jacking it.
Kinking the air hose of your buddy just after he goes over the side of the boat in his deep-sea-diving suit.
Licking it. Just licking it.
Macerating it. Just macerating it.
N*****sn****ing the snappers at the seafood market.
Opening up a can o' whupass on the nearest near-sighted Girl Scout.
Putting it in the mashed potatoes. All of it.
Quietly spreading the rumor that Jizzelbin is actually an 87-year-old left-handed dyslexic Inuit lesbian.
Ripping open a new hole in a hippie dog.
Spitting in Mary Jane Rottencrotch's c***. I wanted the "S" dammit! You guys didn't have it ready for me!
Taking two turns in a row. ;-)
Usurping the throne with a full Depends.
Vacuously discussing your most-hated Seventies sitcom with your in-laws, when they'd rather be talking about the 2016 campaign.
Wishing people would just get with the fucking program, and cut out their bullshit shit.
Xeroxing things when the company, fiercely protecting its copyright, would really rather you used the verb "photocopy."
Yelling like a fucking bitch in triumph that someone got the "X" and didn't choke, like I would have!
Zebras under each foot, thundering down the aisle at your best friend's wedding to object to the proceedings.
Asking for a piece of the crack.
Borrowing money to pay for the crack.
Calling out to a high school zoo volunteer, "Hey, you were going to show me your breeding boxes!"
Deliberately leaving the light on after you're done in the bathroom.
Eating the moistened cremains of a box turtle.
Felching a dead but pre-cremation box turtle.
Getting a box. A big box. For a turtle. For your mom. And her turtle.
Having a funeral for your mom (and her turtle) before they're actually dead.
Insisting it's actually a tortoise.
Juggling infant tortoises (or turtles) before their shells are hard, and dropping them just a bit too often.
Keeping after those diminutive zoo volunteers, with their luscious, inviting, temperature-controlled tortoise-filled breeding boxes.
Letting your pubic hair grow to luxuriant lengths, and then offering to show it to the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Making milking motions on Isabella Rosselini's breasts.
Nuzzling under the armpits of Jennifer Lawrence when you bump into her on the red carpet.
Offering your dick to a chain drugstore employee, by not X"Y"Z.
Putting out for the Archbishop of Canterbury, and then trying to blackmail him with the pictures.
Queenie. Little Queenie. Jerry Lee Lewis-style.
Running up and down the aisle at a funeral, shouting, "Trump killed him! Trump killed him! Or was it Hillary...?"
Saying "'Twas Beauty Killed The Beast," uniformly voting for none.
Taking after-dinner mints by the handful and stuffing them in your mouth as you leave a swanky restaurant.
Unilaterally deciding a pretty girl should be talked to on the street in polite language.
that 'T' was unfairly good! The words painted the image! I'm a fraud!
Remember this is a thread about bad habits.Quote:
Originally posted by Jizzelbin
Vigorously jumping up and down on the mailman when he brings you yet another catalog.
Wanking. Wanking all night long. On pretty girls on the streets.
yes, that is, according to our new authoritarian overlords, complimenting a woman on her appearance in polite language is sexual harrassment. There's some stupid video some moron made that did the rounds a while back.
X-ing out the eyes on every portrait in the Louvre.
Yanking Sally through the alley.
Zoologically categorizing all of your coworkers in a loud voice in the break room.
Asking a woman if she frequents a place, much.
Boringly discussing 17th c. Bolivian sheep-herding calls with other people in the doctor's waiting room.
Cu&^-lapping Camille Paglia because of her assertion that she will vote for a third-party US presidential candidate.
Deciding Camille Paglia is even worth using a brain cell on these days.
Electing Camille Paglia for one of the very few public intellectuals who could be an effective, if controversial, public servant. Because she's awesome.
Finding Camille Paglia a small Third World country she may rule as supreme leader
Goading the disadvantaged with the promises of the Eucharist.
Heaving a salver full of Communion wafers into the Tiber and then daring the Pope to do anything about it.
Indicating indigo girls. Because they hate men pointing at them.
Jumping up and down on your Great Aunt Cynthia's priceless Ming vase.
Key-changing to Dvorak layout and finding out it really, really sucks.
Lobbing Santa out of his sleigh at 30,000 feet.
Milking your mother. Or anyone else's.
Noisily and noisomely pooping on an international flight.
Oiling up a baby for the New Year, with a full diaper.
Passing off the slippery, stinky baby to the first drunken lout you meet on the street just after midnight.
Quoting the child, "keep your fingers away from my goddamned cunt."
Retching all over the cop's shoes when she comes to arrest you for child endangerment.
Sticking your cock up her ass, you worthless cocksucking motherfucker.
Tainting the kindergarten class's milk with anthrax.
Ululating like an ungulate.
Vaulting over the barricades at the White House to throw a bag of Cheetos.
Wondering about who waxes and who doesn't in a house of God (or whatever).
X-Files binge-watching when you're supposed to be studying for your Medical Boards.
Yellowed stain of milky ejaculate, in a woman's hair, like a gentleman.
Zapping airline pilots with a ruby laser as they come in for landings.
Acquiring countable numbers of nominally-observant women.
Bitchslapping meter readers when they don't say "Pretty please" and bow to you three times before trying to read your electric or gas meter.
Cockbiting the biggest bull bitch in the prison.
Dithering over what to order at McDonald's while about two dozen people are waiting impatiently behind you.
Eating out Jizz's mom.
French-kissing the President of the United States.
Goading a defective via text to kill his defective family, his executive business partner, and himself for the lolz.
Hacking open a beehive with a dull machete to get at the honey inside.
Inserting a live piscine into a Trojan Snapper.
Jogging alongside your neighbor and asking him to list the casts of all of his favorite TV shows ever.
Kicking ass and chewing bubble gum. All at the same time.
Looking inside your neighbor's mailbox and taking any interesting-looking envelopes for yourself.
Making terrible, pseudo-fascistic statements through a Shure SM57 and a PA speaker, which cannot be legally impugned, given the status of production of sound poetry for commercial and artistic benefit.
Nibbling the maraschino cherries off the tops of all of the desserts at a fancy buffet - but leaving the rest behind.
Out-Oscaring the Felix.
Putting fezzes atop all of the animatronic figures in Disney's Hall of Presidents.
Quoting, "no, but i kiss your mom's disgusting pigs ass you call a mouth every day twice before eating her pussy in front of you, you mewling quim"
Remembering, too late, that you've never actually heard anyone say that before, so you couldn't properly quote them.
Shakespeatean usagr-img
Tearing out every third page of your neighbor's Collected Works of Shakespeat in outrage over the misspelling.
Using the word 'utilize' except as a diagnostician or fairy
Vacuuming up all of your Great Aunt Edna's Skittles before she's finished with them.
Warning your neighbor in writing that she is a fat bitch, and taping it to a tree.
Xylophone-playing very loudly until 3am even though you know that your Great Aunt Edna has an important exam early that day.
Yelling quiet as can be while checking the mail, 'Why doesn't that bitch of a lady mailman stop flicking her bean and start delivering the fucking mail?!'y
Zebras, at least three dozen zebras, purposely stampeded through Great Aunt Edna's living room.
Announcing loudly that Floyd's going to put that MMA pussy McGregor into a coma.
Billing your extremely expensive visit to a Moscow bordello to the White House Travel Office account.
Culling the weak for later live practice.
Dumping your White House Chief of Staff as you step off Air Force One while he's still aboard.
Exciting your limbic system, and your neighbors.
Forgetting your grandchildren's names when they come for a visit.
Grabbing some Prince Albert and telling the cashier they modeled the can after my dick, just like the champagne glass was modeled from Antoinette's breast.
Heaving another passenger's annoying brat overboard while on a Caribbean cruise.
Getting a tattoo with all the answers to the state Bar exam encoded. Whoops.
Inking yourself. Period.
Jonesing for a dozen blows to the head with a steel mallet.
kissin' cousins
Linking a Mellophant post to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
Making a mountain out of a molehill-literally
Never, ever picking up the tab when going out to lunch with your Great Aunt Edna.
Opening, peaking and resealing Christmas presents.
Peeling open the skin of an infant on a heap of dung.
Questioning the authority of the judge while in court.
Running down the aisle of the jet yelling, "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
Standing up and delivering the Indianapolis monologue from Jaws at a technology conference today.
Taking your adorable little niece's Christmas stocking and pooping in it.
Using hydrocodone without playing bebop on a piano or other instrument.
Vacuuming up everyone's Christmas candies before they've been eaten.
Wishing that library administrators weren't total boner assholes.
"Xylophones for everyone!" you scream over and over again as you run through the music store.
Yelling into everyone's available ear, "The internet is on crazy pills! Head for the hills!"
Zeroing in on everyone's most embarrassing character flaw, and criticizing them relentlessly on Facebook.
Acting antagonistic.
Belching very, very loudly as you meet Her Majesty the Queen.
Creaming butter, slowly, with your fingers, in a small bowl while awaiting instructions on the job.
Doing donuts on the immaculately-manicured lawn of your future father-in-law.
Easily stalling and grinding the future father-in-laws's new Maserati's transmission while gingerly moving it off your front lawn, where the bastard parked it.
Finding fault, loudly and insultingly, with your fiancee's personal habits during the first meal you share together with her and her parents.
Giving vaginal tightening cream to your fiancée's mother, explaining it did a lot for her daughter.
Hating on your fiancée's dad just because he's rich, handsome, successful and has a vestigial tail.
Introducing your fiancée's mother to vaginal tightening cream, by applying it vigorously with a wire brush and milky soft hands.
Jamming with a bass guitar turned up to 11 while your Great Aunt Edna is trying to nap.
Killing the vibe of indifference by talking with women about other woman, who may or may not have been in earshot: other women have ways of drawing the meat out of men.
"Liking" neo-Nazi pages on Facebook and sending links to your rabbi.
Milking the essences of various humans by hand. And collecting the residue.
Never, ever allowing your Great Aunt Edna to have any private time with her dates.
Onanistically admiring Rey without bothering to listen to a word she says. Just like a real girl.
Punishing your waiter with a tiny tip for not filling your water glass often enough despite otherwise-excellent service.