try to inspect some of the construction details.
Giving a woman a gift is really slang for ___________________________________
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try to inspect some of the construction details.
Giving a woman a gift is really slang for ___________________________________
something so utterly filthy and repulsive I cannot bring myself to write it.
If I didn't have such a delicate disposition, I would probably _________________________________
be an excellent prison matron for delinquent girls.
The best thing about Mamie van Doren is that she never ____________________________________
asks to borrow my electric dog polisher.
The last time I had to polish the dog, I ________________
was excluded from school property.
Informing your neighbors is always ____________________
appreciated when you intend to invite Mamie van Doren over for tea and crumpets.
Ol' Mamie really likes her tea and crumpets, man; once I saw her ________________________________
Ingest her comestibles and potables in a most incorrect manner.
Blackface is pretty cool, if you're __________________________________
Al Jolson and long dead.
Cheetahs are the coolest big cats; I love that they _______________
are lured by the scent of Natasha's piscine odor.
The best thing about fish is ______________________________________.
that very few of them want to eat me, but I want to eat most of them (properly cooked, of course).
The next time I go swimming, I will definitely ________________
be bringing a Mars bar, unwrapped, in a pocket of my trunks, for unspecified use.
There was this guy named Rod Johnson, he ______________________________________
was no relation to Andrew or Lyndon, as far as I know.
Andrew Johnson was the first President to be impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives, but in the Senate trial which followed, ________________
an unknown Kentucky Colonel who also was honored to represent his state in the upper house pulled out his johnson and started philandering.
The good thing about woman politicians is that _____________________________________
you can be pretty sure they won't take pictures of their cocks.
Anthony Weiner would probably have been Mayor of New York, but he _______________________
pulled a Spitzer.
It would be nice buying some panties in a vending machine, except ________________________________________________
they never have my colors and they almost always ride up in back.
Wearing your girlfriend's underwear is something I would __________________________________________
consider an unusual, but understandable idea, to the extent I've thought of it.
Good thing about women with ponytails, is that __________________________________________.
they don't have to annoyingly keep brushing their hair out of their eyes.
If I ever grew my hair long enough to have a ponytail, I'd _____________________________________
cut it off, because that's ridiculous.
The only thing better than a WareGirl is a _____________________.
dictionary to look up what a WareGirl is in the first place.
The last time I had to check the dictionary, _____________________________
I was so ashamed I almost soiled myself.
The thing about getting words wrong is that _________________________________.
people can always tell when you mizzenmast.
The books about Capt. Jack Aubrey and Dr. Stephen Maturin are really _______________________________
good for making movies from, more or less.
Spinsterish lady novelists can be ______________________________.
a real handful in the sack, if you know what I mean, nudge nudge wink wink.
The last time I slept with a spinsterish lady novelist, I'm afraid I ________________________________
compelled her to bring out her sewing case: the dainty scissors were abominable.
The next time you sidle up to a lady, you should do _________________________________.
as Jizz does, and put her in awe of your macho suave studly handsomeness.
All the girls say my macho suave studly handsomeness is ______________________
"the only thing I can say, no offense, but WTH? I ordered some fresh Jizz!!!!"
She said "You screwed me, you bastard," so I replied ______________________________.
, "Ma'am, I did, and I'm not, respectively."
Clever wordplay always ________________________
is a sign of moderate or profound damage to the brain.
Rhyming and words, is like some verbs, except when it's ________________________________.
raining men and all of your umbrellas are in Blawnox.
Visiting Blawnox is not something I ordinarily ___________________
would recommend to Auslanders.
The last time I shouted "UNCLEAN! UNCLEAN!" __________________________
I was taking part in a weird Biblical reenactment for my Sunday school.
I keep seeing lepers around town, and let me tell you, _____________________
their hand does not cover their moustaches, and their hair is not unkempt.
Clean bunch, those ____________________________.
expatriate Venezuelan lepers, and they wear their caftans with a certain flair that you can't help but admire.
Whenever I jet down to Caracas, I always make it a point to _____________________
play the maracas.
When I visit Brazil, I brush up ____________________________
one side and down the other, but my fur is always mussed by the time I get off the plane.
I really ought to shave three times a day, but _______________
it would ruin my pool-hustling persona.
When I see both coin-op pool tables in use, including at least one person with a two-piece cue, I begin to ___________________________________________.
hum the theme from Doctor Zhivago as loudly as I can. Don't ask me why.
Julie Christie in Doctor Zhivago was ______________________________________
a great actress in a really boring movie.
When I get praise from my supervisors, I suck ______________________________________
on a lollipop suggestively, tilt my head to one side and ask in the squeakiest, highest-pitched voice I can manage, "Does this mean you want to have sex with me?"
I never touch lollipops anymore; they're just too __________________________________
hard.
I gave my supervisor a lollipop once, but somehow I don't think _____________________________________
she understood that I was making a sweet, sweet pass at her.
Having an affair with a supervisor is, I'm told, __________________________
is a zesty enterprise, if you hate your supervisor and openly desire their torture and death.
There a few good reasons for murder, but ____________________
talking or texting on a cellphone during a movie sometimes seem like justifications.
TNP knows a judge personally.
so I took him out golfing and said, "Your honor, your honor."
The worst thing about being fatigued emotionally by people is ___________________________________
when you forget the thread topic again and think it's "The Next Poster." I hate it when that happens.
The problem with Debussy's music is that he _____________________________________________
was too awesome for mere humans to comprehend.
A better name for a male child than "Achille" is ___________________________.
William. Everyone knows that.
I'm pretty sure I'm going to name my next three daughters _____________________, __________________________ and _________________________________.
Clothilde, Agnès, [...], Anne-Marie -- because it's the right thing to do.
The worst thing about knowing a Youtube celebrity IRL is _______________________________.
how they constantly demand oral sex as if they're entitled to it, for chrissakes.
Clothilde, Agnes and Anne-Marie Bin will, when fully grown, probably _____________________________________
single-handedly turn a convent of discalced Carmelites into a whorehouse.
When I see them again, I swear ________________________________________________/
I'll think of some better future for them than that.
Visiting Paris in springtime always seems to _______________________
make me sing like a fruit, "I love Paris in the springtime!"
When the Germans marched into Paris _______________________________
they immediately began ogling the pretty French girls.
Pretty French girls always make me wanna ___________________________
make sure they've been taught how to wash, in the French fashion.
Anglo-American punk-rock girls sometimes have ____________________________________________.
piercings in places you just wouldn't believe.
My gilt-edged invitation to Harry and Meghan's wedding must've __________________________
been accidentally fed to my pet dog, who turned it into something worthwhile.
TNP heard about that movie Black Panther IRL from somebody and thought _________________________________________________.
, "I gotta see that!" So I did, and it was a lot of fun.
The next movie I wanna see this summer is _____________________________
the Zapruder footage, digitally "enhanced," on the basis of a restored print.
Thing about people always wanting to give you a "high five" is that ________________________________.
they always make me think of Seinfeld: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsGdBup-Leg
I can always count on Puddy to __________________________________
talk in a funny cartoon voice.
Inspecting a woman's mouth on a first date for visible signs of a cold sore is _________________________________.
always greatly appreciated by her, I've found. Funny how they never want a second date, though....
My favorite celebrity mouth would have to be _________________
Nick Nolte's, because it's filled with raccoon meat burritos and enough raw ether to intoxicate a Victorian drawing room.
One can learn a lot from Nick Nolte, like _____________________________.
all the best places to buy raccoon-meat burritos and raw ether.
I wish it would stop raining so that I could ______________________
remember what it's like to be turned on my back in the sun, unable to turn myself over.
Nolte doesn't buy raccoon meat, or turtle meat, or any other kind of ____________________________.
meat that he can't beat with his feet, all reet!
I think I'll stay away from Singapore until well after the US-NK summit meeting, because _____________________
Singapore too beaucoup.
Me and some guys gave a sock party to some guy, only it wasn't ________________________________________.
our fault, really, that he died the next day of internal injuries.
Whenever I watch Full Metal Jacket I think, ______________________________
what ever happened to those socks and all that lubricating soap?
Socks and soap would be a good name for _____________________________.
a store that sold hand tools and parachutes. Just to mess with customers' heads, you know?
If I owned a store, it would definitely ___________________________________
feature novelty foam hands for pointing out girls one desires to comrades, in a subtle fashion.
Pointing repeatedly at a girl to a female comrade, as she enters the toilet, behind her back, is probably ________________________________________.
not going to win you the Nobel Prize in Enlightened Gender Relations.
If I ever actually won the Nobel Prize in Enlightened Gender Relations, I'd _________________________________
paint some lewd drawings of woman genitals on it in lipstick and hang it on the wall.
The next time I find a table with a missing cue ball, I'm going to ___________________________________.
take a nap on the pool table, because it just wouldn't be worth playing a game otherwise.
Big, burly dudes in biker bars who find you asleep on the pool table typically _______________________________
are shit-faced or have severe injuries and are extremely ornery when awoken.
The next time you play pool against some random person in a bar, you should ___________________________.
bet them everything you own and assure them that they can kill you without consequence if you lose and then don't pay up within a week.
I don't usually bet anything when I play pool, because __________________
I suck only slightly less than most of the vermin who play pool in bars.
Three-cushion billiards is the most-good of the games, but, ________________________________.
playing with Big Brother is double-plus ungood.
The last time I read George Orwell's 1984, I ___________________________________
made my own rat mask and wore it for Halloween.
Chasing skirts is a perfectly ____________________________.
understandable activity for a hormone-addled young man.
When I was a hormone-addled young man, I would often __________________
take the family car out in the middle of the night and go grind with some seventeen-year-old poon.
Strange, when one gets to be a bit older, one never stops ________________________________________________.
yearning for fresh young poon - not entirely.
If I have to kill one more zombie today, I swear I will ____________________________
murder the fuck out of the next goddamned nerd I hear.
Best thing about hearing some idiotic conversations about nerd shit is that ______________________________.
being able to cover my ears and loudly chant "Lalalalalalalala!"
The last time I did that, the White House called me and ______________________
offered me a plum appointment as consul to Brazil.
Nice thing about Brazil nuts is that __________________________.
they were a running gag in the British farce Charley's Aunt, a high school production of which I appeared in many years ago.
The other high school plays I was in included ____________________________________________
Georgy Kaufman's If Men Played Cards as Women Do, among others.
The real good reason to tip generous when getting a haircut is that ______________________
otherwise your barber might go all Sweeney Todd on you.
Getting my throat slit by a homicidal barber is definitely not _________________________________________
that bad, provided I'm well and truly dead when Angela Lansbury makes the kidney pies.
The nice thing about forgetting where you parked twelve hours ago is _______________________________________________.
that either helpful car thieves will move your car for you, or you'll get a whopping parking fine from the police telling you where it is.
Most of my encounters with the police ____________________________
are polite and professsional.
You know who else was polite and professional: _________________________________________.
the IRS agent who audited me and said I owed Uncle Same another $450k, plus penalties. The dick.
Most of my encounters with the IRS have been ____________________________
irritating, when actually speaking to a RL person on the phone — they are not the best customer servants.
Using one week's paycheck to do car stuff is ____________________________.
just about par for the course when you own a lemon like mine.
If you offer me a piece of lemon meringue pie, _____________
I'd say, "that's adorable, go have some children eat your little pie: you got anything for adults, like lemon-infused vodka served in a highball glass, you cheap bastard?"
"Well, here's you, there's the liquor store, in between there's a few miles: ______________________________________."
better start walkin' if you want to get your drink on today, pal.
To celebrate Independence Day today, I plan to ________________
take an extra Benadryl, put in earplugs, and dream about scores of millennials next door committing mass suicide-by-fireworks.
You should always light, step back, and watch _____________________.
in appreciative silence the giant, stinky cigar your girlfriend is smoking.
If my wife started smoking cigars, _________________
she would hold the greater power to burn the back of my hands, in one of her daily menstruation-filled rages.
If I had a dozen oranges, a large towel, and a cigar-smoking wife, __________________________________________.
I'd have three-eighths of what I needed for a really interesting weekend.
Next weekend, I've really gotta ___________________________
figure out how to save some of each paycheck in a coffee can.
Because when The Man knows what ___________________________________.
your wife is smoking, he's sure to try to tax it.
As I've told my last three wives, __________________________
"you don't have to menstruate every single day."
Women, rags, and rag-pickers: now there's ________________________________.
a group I really don't wanna overgeneralize about!
General Motors, General Mills and General Patton all _______________
had some fantastic (-ally awful) ideas about industrial design.
The best thing to do if you have some GI problems is ___________________________.
to drink a gallon of pickle juice as fast you can. Works every time!
I'm always happy to give bad medical advice; in fact, _____________________
pickle juice is something people drink.
The first time I saw someone pickle brine, I about __________________________.
lost my lunch.
Have you seen my lunch? I'm pretty sure ________________
there was either a woman or a baby in that soup.
I eat any kind of soup, no matter _____________________________.
how often the CIA threatens my cats (in secret messages they send through my tooth fillings) if I choose the chunky chicken vegetable.
I swear, if the CIA doesn't lay off me, I'm gonna ____________
tell them their boss has a bunch of pills, a handgun, and a bottle of Listerine on his desk.
The only person who ever put "CIA" on her business card was _____________________________.
my Great Aunt Edna, but what the hell, other than a stint in the OSS during World War II, she was usually delusional.
The last delusional episode I had, ______________________
I was convinced that every fertile woman had a lady-boner dedicated to me.
The second one starts generalizing about women's behavior, _______________________________.
you can be assured that you're missing some key exceptions, 'cause they're all different, amiright?
I think it's about time I took up mountain-climbing again, because ______________________
there are some really good lady climbers who make a good sauce.
It takes a special kind of woman to enter the __________________________________
gladiatorial games of Ancient Rome, once the time machines are up and running again.
I had, have and/or will have a time machine once, but _____________
my pet Sherman spilled purple drank all over the controls, for he is, although docile, an imbecile.
Mr. Peabody insists men should not wear shorts that are ___________________________.
open at the crotch, as it is unacceptable in certain cultures. Well, most of them, actually.
I hate it when I have to go buy crotchless panties for my Great Aunt Edna, because ________________________
she makes me try them on and model them for her, and then complains that I stretched out the fabric.
Dogs should not have pet boys, because ______________________________.
sooner or later a pretty girl from some post-apocalyptic underground city is gonna end up eaten.
I like to play Verdi while I'm ____________
wearing a kicky neckerchief and having a Campari and soda on the terrace.
Give a woman a dog, a tub of peanut butter, and she's ___________________________.
gonna demand three million dollars, two stoats and a machete.
I immediately got that reference to a pretty girl from some post-apocalyptic underground city; it was from _____________________
well, there was a pool in it somewheres, and also something about science fiction.
When I open a tray of "Hot Italian" fresh sausages, the last thing I want is her to be __________________________________.
holding back from making any tasteless and offensive Dago jokes.
(It was from A Boy and His Dog - sf, yes, but I don't remember anything about a pool)
Tasteless and offensive ethnic humor has its place, I think, especially when ____________
those people have it coming and deserve a good ribbing.
The only time "good ribbing for those people" is acceptable to say is _________________________.
when you're going to a BBQ and don't mind having sticky fingers at the end.
I never drink beer with BBQ; instead I'd rather have __________________
a nice juicy watermelon, with a good woman to feed me smoked brisket while I recline.
Pulling pork is something that should only be done __________________________________.
when accompanied by a squad of Latvian paratroopers, three Japanese ninjas and an Inuit bowler.
Inuit bowlers know all the best _________________
ice flows upon which to set those who don't obey league rules.
Best reason to join an amateur "sporting" league: ______________________________ but then, _______________________________.
free beer... you'll recognize everyone at that week's AA meeting.
I would never go to an event just for free beer; of course, _____________
there's beer and then there's beer.
The phrase "sticky fingers" is oddly _______________________.
evocative, even if you're not a Rolling Stones fan: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sticky_Fingers
I don't own that album, but _______________
that's because I'm totally hating on good music.
Marianne Faithfull probably did _______________________________.
not pay extra for the surplus "L" in her last name.
When I want to buy an extra letter, I just ____________________
call Vanna White while pretending to be Mickey Rourke: lots of heavy breathing and sudden angry outbursts, and some fits of spastic crying.
Before I admit to sexual misdeeds, I like to ____________________________.
keep pretending to be Mickey Rourke and blame everything on the traumatic experience of filming Angel Heart.
The last time I saw a scary movie like that, _____________________
I began to worship Robert De Niro, like a god.
The day I stop recycling neutral-smelling clothes between laundry days is the day ________________________________________.
any of my six wives actually offers to do laundry for me.
Having six wives isn't all beer and skittles; sometimes _________________
they start acting all womanly and cat-fighty, and not in the good way.
Still, six wives is better than six husbands, because ___________________________.
I'm a heterosexual dude and have no interest in having one husband, let alone six. I mean, jeez.
Thinking about it, though, if I had six husbands, I'd probably _______________
attach leg-irons and compel them to perform manual labor I don't wish to perform.
The nice thing about women and manual labor is that ________________________________.
they're usually more than happy to let you do it.
I hope to be able to sleep in tomorrow morning, but ______________
there's these damned things I gotta do.
I once called a woman "The Beast of Yucca Flats": she _____________________________.
insisted I have sex with her much more attractive nympho sister, but I found some lame excuse not to.
Now that I think of it, my excuse ____________
probably saved me from syphilis.
Of all the STDs, the one that _____________________________.
I really don't want to get is Altairian crotchrot. And to think one doctor told me it didn't even exist!
Next time you're on Altair IV, be sure to _____________
make sure you're not mistaken for Alsatian.
Alsatian-French are a bunch of ___________________________.
wonderful people, without exception, and I just wish we could clone the lot of 'em so there'd be even more.
The next time I visit Alsace, I must remember to ___________
not bring up the topic of religion, and not make fun of their accents.
The nice thing about Alsatian beer is that ______________________________.
I've never had any.
Alsatians can get particularly touchy about beer, religion, clown porn and ____________________
sausages, as they have sex on the brain.
If an Alsatian licks your face, ________
I'd suggest you wash thoroughly.
(Welcome back, Trojan Man!)
The last time I met an Alsatian woman, I ________________
thought she should ease up on the beer-drinking.
Bon Scott's last known words were _____________________.
GLURBLE GLURBLE GLURBLE.
If I were twice as smart as I am, _________
my Great Aunt Edna would be half as smart as she is now, by comparison.
Red staplers are all well and good, but what I really need for my desk is ______________
a clandestine compartment within which to store "valuables."
Washing ten dishes and two dozen pieces of cutlery is all well and good,
until you stack them carelessly on the drying rack and they fall and smash on the floor like the clumsy fucks they are.
If mello were any more quiet, __________
it would be loud.
Women blatantly hiding and disguising themselves from Jizzelbin makes _________________________.
sense.
Every time I see Jizzelbin's avatar, I _________
have to resist the urge to call a CIA friend of mine and ask him to find someone who can tell me what it means.
The last time I visited CIA HQ in Langley, Va., I have to admit, I _______________
wore sunglasses and an earpiece and trawled the local fish markets.
When a credit union approves an unsecured loan, it is always ____________________.
going to be in their best financial interest. Unless it's not.
I got an unsecured loan once to buy the Brooklyn Bridge, but lemme tell ya, ______________
once I bought it, I got really tired of cleaning and painting it: those steel cables ____________________________.
are the very definition of "high maintenance."
After I sold the bridge in 2005 to some other sucker, though, you can be sure I ___________
invested the money in a pyramid scheme and lost it forever.
A watched pot ________
of honey is better known as a honey pot in décolletage.
The honeydripper is known far and wide as the ______________________.
Thing That Drips Honey.
The thing I like best about toenail clippings is __________
picking them all up afterwards and throwing them out.
I clip my toenails almost every month or so, unless, of course, ________________________
they are a fricking mess and cannot be trimmed any closer without cutting into skin.
The worst thing about joining a Facebook "dating" group is ________________.
using Facebook.
I would delete my Facebook account if __________________________
only Mommy would let me, but you know her!
Well, time for me to nip on down to the pharmacy for condoms, toothpaste and ______________________
and a box of laxatives.
The only good times to use condoms are when a guy or gal has ________________________.
to, I mean just has to, make the beast with two backs, but also wants to avoid makin' babies, and chemical means are not available.
On a beautiful early-fall day like this, there's nothing I like more than ___________________
splash around in piles of leaves, urinate at the base of trees, and lick my gonads.
Now that I know about mammatus clouds, _______________________________________
I should probably find out what the hell they are.
Loud beasts, including humans, should be ______________________________.
punched in the throat until they shut up.
When the sun comes up, _______________
the xenomorphs mostly go back into hiding and waiting. Mostly.
The last time I saw Aliens, I nearly _________________
actually sat down and watched it.
When I smell freshly cut grass, __________________________
I move my hand.
Van Morrison is a fairly big _______________________________.
dickhead.
Eric Clapton should __________________
probably go get bent, for he is also a dickhead.
Something about the British ______________________.
Museum calls to me, even all this way across the Atlantic.
I can't believe Ted Lasso won all those Emmys last night; it's a great show, but I really ___________________
genuinely don't know what it is, just that people like it, apparently.
Whenever you get an e-mail asking you to complete a survey, you should ______________________________.
make another generous donation to the Get People to Stop Pestering Me via Email Fund.
More on Ted Lasso (about a third-tier American football coach hired to lead a struggling British soccer team): https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Lasso
This morning I have to drive to Tennessee, but tomorrow ___________________
I'll be free of the curse, as the travelling fortune-teller predicted.
The preferred nomenclature for "dickbreath" is ______________.
Post-truther.
Christian fundamentalists ________
don't know that just as sure as a woman is wet, Warm Daddy is going to get them yet. (Pace Eddie Bo, NOLA songwriter and singer)
Whenever someone says "That's the kind of sugar papa likes," the women are like ___________________________________.
all weak in the knees, you know, and panting, "OMG, where have you been all my life, you irresistibly sexy piece of manflesh?"
If you really believe that, I'd like to talk to you about the Brooklyn Bridge, which ______________________
is my pleasure to hand on over, and once we meet with my business associate and complete some pro forma paperwork, will soon be yours!
Spending a few hours randomly hanging out with a former lady friend is neither ____________________________________________.
likely to lead to getting your house painted, nor to acquiring the deed for the Brooklyn Bridge.
Next time I'm in NYC, I'm definitely gonna ______________________________
bring my guitar up to the Brooklyn Bridge and just play for a bit.
One should probably shave and shower before being served by beautiful young ______________________________________.
supermodels in easily-removable French maid outfits, as happened to me in Boston this one time, by which I mean, never.
Boston is famous for the Statehouse, its gardens, its broad accent, its terrible traffic and, of course, _________________________
an....unusual...accent among the plebes.
Duck-taping a sign to one's front porch saying "For all non-ADA compliant service canines, Free Food! No above-ground strychine included!" is __________________________________.
just about par for the course for our beloved Jizz.
I would golf a lot more, if it weren't for _______________________
my job of having to kill all the gophers.
The best thing about being soaked to the bone in rain water is having to change clothes in ______________________________________.
your luxurious mansion after being dried and rubbed down with thick, heated towels by your favorite beautiful actress and/or leggy supermodel.
The only time I buy Sports Illustrated is when _________________
I need to convince myself I'm a regular man's man dudebro.
Repeatedly running into this damned woman at the bar __________________________________.
has made me decide to actually open my eyes and not rely on echolocation.
The two, no, the three big advantages bats have over us is ________________
they survive exclusively on human blood, they're also vampires in disguise, and you can comfort your woman when they get stuck in her hair.
The only thing better than chowing down on an excellent burger and fries at a bar is ____________________________.
adding cheddar cheese, bacon and A-1 Sauce to the burger, and getting a side of seasoned fries and a dill pickle.
That all sounds delicious, but the last time I ordered pub grub, _____________________________