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with a sharp red pen in hand to correct the spelling of his name, and a bad attitude to match.
Kathleen Turner had been to Dublin only once before, many years earlier, but there were still those in Howth, Ballymun and especially Malahide who, in hushed tones, spoke of her penchant for ______________________
The Muff Liquor, which is an Irish whiskey named for County Muff in ROI.
Ms. Turner had a good run in her personal favorite, *The War of the Roses*, she recalled, but she had even better ____________________________________________
luck as a high-stakes strip poker player in Vegas, having won the rough equivalent of the Gross National Product of Latvia last year alone.
The Latvian Finance Minister, naturally, wanted to meet her, but ______________________
Ms. Turner had a firm rule: "Making friends is easy.....making and keeping enemies is harder and more rewarding."
Kathleen Turner had a firm rule about eating bagels: she always used to say _________________________________________
, "I never eat more than ten bagels before meeting with the Latvian Finance Minister."
True to her word, Ms. Turner ate only nine bagels (and a single pickled herring) before _______________________
she mumbled over the telephone that she was going to clean her firearms, and she proceeded to loudly cycle several rounds, drop magazines, and verify her chambers were cleared before she took out her brushes and bore snakes.
Ms. Turner had an odd fascination with the number sixty-nine, and the phrase "a stand-up 69," which puzzles many researchers, but not nearly so much as Ms. Turner's revelation that she used to __________________________________________________
be a mathematician, stripper, lexicographer and cordwainer - all at the same time!
I only know two cordwainers personally, and one of them, you may be amused to know, is ______________________________
none other than Kathleen Turner, who excels at her task with art and verve.
The last time Ms. Turner visited County Muff in the ROI she dived into _______________________________________________
a plate of calamari easily twice as big as her head, but ate every last bit of it up, not even troubling to use silverware.
Elon Musk, Stanley Tucci and Angelina Jolie, who were her dinner guests that night, each looked on aghast, with Jolie later privately remarking, "_________________________."
fish her? I barely even knew her!
That time Angelina Jolie pretended to drive with her father seated on her lap, it made even Ned Beatty get up and say __________________________________________________ _________.
"Lemme out of this damn car right this minute, missy!"
Of course, he should have known that Jon Voight _________________________
was his adoptive father, and not to be confused with Jon Voight, the actual holder of the title to that particular car.
"The money racket to magistrates," the disgruntled aggrieved complained as he was compelled to have an uncontested, legal will and testament go before probate in his state; the aggrieved shot a big load of ________________________________
peanut shells at his startled barrister from a rusty old shotgun.
My Great Aunt Edna was in court that day, as it happens, and she confidentially told me afterwards, "_________________________________________________ ___"
you know, to tell the family secret, my grandmother was Dutch.
Aunt Enid, who was raised by Great Aunt Edna, used to tell tales of making and firing rock salt __________________________________________________ ______
from her decrepit old Italian shotgun at whichever postal carriers were foolish enough to try to drop off her junk mail without accepting a glass of sweet tea.
My Great Aunt Edna hates sweet tea, as it happens, and always has. Supposedly she was, as a teenager, offered a glass of it, but _______________________________
she said firmly in German, French, Italian, Spanish, English, "get the hell of my lawn," with no response from the armed intruders.
There's one thing Edna can't abide, but it's them ______________________________________________
goldurn Latvian marmoset herders and their weird thrash polka music, which they play at all hours, dancing and dancing and dancing until they just can't stand up no more. And she can't stand it at all!
You may ask, why does my Great Aunt Edna have such strong opinions about them? Well, obviously, thrash polka music aside, she _______________________
loves to grab hold of a firm pony at its region and tug until the sun comes up.
No, nobody said said Dame Edna was promiscuous, but they did say she occasionally manually __________________________________________________ ____________________.
stimulated some of the more, uh, excitable male directors of the Sydney Opera House, strictly on the Q.T., if it meant she could get better tickets for La Boheme, Aida, Tristan und Isolde or whatnot that way.
I don't know about you, but I don't like opera well enough to do anything remotely like that, especially if ____________________
they discontinued my favorite costumes: who knew that helmets with reindeer horns affixed were out of fashion, in this day and age?
The last time meaning now Old Uncle Herbert shopped for shoes he was astounded that established shoemakers no longer made __________________________________________________ ____________________________.
patent alligator clown shoes in size 42 Wide, so he started wearing fuzzy slippers instead.
I don't have any fuzzy slippers. Instead, when I'm lounging around home in cold weather and need to make my feet toastier, I'm more likely to _______________________________
raise a firm salute to the image of the Kennedy Center, reassured that the warmth of the now-unspoiled venue will have warmed me to my toes.
The only thing better than the fictional movie featuring Patrick Swayze as lead henchman of the bank robbers the Dead Presidents is __________________________________________________ .
, oh, jeez, about eight million other movies?
There's one movie I just have to watch whenever it comes on, and that, of course, is ___________________________
Point Break, because pain don't hurt.
The last time Aunt Gilda attempted to jump out of a perfectly good airplane, she __________________________________________________ __________________________.
took along her parachute, a gallon of rancid eggnog, three copies of Moby-Dick and a Dick Clark mannequin.
I asked her why, and she only smiled at me, pinched my cheek and said, "Oh, honey, __________________________________."
why did you have to invite Tiger Woods *and* Dorothy Parker *and* G Gordon Liddy to jump out of a perfectly good airplane?
When Auntie declaimed the name of Mr. Liddy she couldn't help but try suppress the slightest of smirks as she recalled him having once __________________________________________________ __________
given her a well-oiled and highly sensuous foot massage in the White House Situation Room, only to be surprised when President Nixon and Elvis Presley dropped by for an impromptu tour.
I never met G. Gordon Liddy myself, but I once read a 2002 Blawnox Babbler interview in which he boasted of having __________________________________
starred in the remakes of acclaimed films *Road House*, *Mad Max*, and *All the President's Men*, but he wasn't entirely sure of which.
The next time someone instructs you to do some more Mozambique drills at the target range you should __________________________________________________ ___________________
just stare at them blankly, then tell them with a sardonic smile that you have no plans to go to Africa anytime soon, and keep on doing what you were doing.
The last time I was in Mozambique, let me tell you, it was a helluva _____________________________
time when I bought fifty blank 100 grain cartridges in 12 gauge.
The hell of it is, the only thing trickier than filling them with rock salt is __________________________________________________ _________________________
trying to sell them to those damn Latvian gun-running triplets, the Skujenieks Brothers, for anything more than two Euros apiece.
How can I possibly make a profit on that basis? Ha! You don't know? Well, I'll tell you how: ________________________________
the first thing you do is start associating with firearms enthusiasts, and then the next thing you do is join the NRA, and then you sell them some stuff, for their trucks or whatever.
The worst thing about socializing with firearms enthusiasts is listening to their __________________________________________________ ____________
going on and on and on, after they've had a beer or three, about how much they really want a tactical nuke. I mean, c'mon, guys - how about a little sense of perspective, huh?
If I had my very own tactical nuclear weapon, sooner or later I'd probably ______________________________
use it to kill the president and anyone within its vicinity.
Hey, if one has to go, might as well do it with __________________________________________________ _____________________________
out drawing the attention of the Secret Service or breaking the law in any way.
https://www.law.cornell.edu/uscode/text/18/871
Yeah, yeah, I know - I've read 18 U.S.C. 871, but I'll tell you what: my thinking is, ________________________________
that it would be a real shame if something covid should happen to its children and wife.
One day this fellow bought really good concealed carry insurance, covering bond, unlimited criminal and civil defense funds, and then __________________________________________________ _________
farted loudly, completely covered himself with grape jelly and sang "Sweet Caroline" in Latvian (I think) at the top of his lungs until the police came and took him away.
I didn't catch the fellow's name, but I suspect it was something like _____________________
some goober or something, but it sounded foreign, and the feds iced him.
But before that, he found out that he was by fiat a British subject by birth, and entitled to a UK passport, so he decided __________________________________________________ _________________
, after he got cleaned up, fingerprinted, photographed and released from the local hoosegow, that it was probably time for a visit to Merrie Olde Englande.
Last I heard, he was headed for the airport, with his ticket, his wallet, his overstuffed suitcase and ______________________
a trail of evidence that led Bob Ressler not a bit astray.
For what greener FBI and other LEOs, and the television audience, do not realize is that a profile is created __________________________________________________ ______________________
with a pen, two notepads, three Brazilian nuns, four pocket copies of the U.S. Constitution, five M&Ms and six or more questions asked of the prime suspect. Or so I've been told!
TNP knows better and thinks, just like the ghost of the late FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover, that ______________________________________
all pool table pockets are to be made from the foreskins of gentiles.
The nice thing about J. Edgar Hoover is that Australians think that he was __________________________________________________ ________________________________
the second (or was it the third?) coming of John the Baptist, which is pretty damn weird, but that's what I've heard.
Actually, come to think of it, there are only three Australians (maybe four, according to some reports) who believe that, and two of them are obviously, well, you know, __________________________
that guy who took a dump on a McDonald's restaurant table was not related to Keith Morrison, beloved American television celebrity.
Once I asked an Australian his opinion on Paul Hogan and he told me to go __________________________________________________ ___________________
"throw another shrimp on the barbie," but by his expression and tone of voice, I'm pretty sure he was mocking me.
Paul Hogan and I go 'way back. We first met in Prague in 1983, where he was doing undercover work for the Australian Secret Intelligence Service, but we kept in touch and really became close friends four years later, when ____________________________
that conniving little one-note so-called comic took out his "knife" and found out that he still had a handful of curly dark hairs beneath his fingernails.
Now, the thing about Paul Hogan and, really, the rest of the Australian public is that they think he's not only a tax fraud, but they're also __________________________________________________ __________________________.
understandably skeptical of his claim to have been the first Australian to walk on the Moon.
I rather doubt that myself, truth be told, but I wouldn't be surprised in the least if you told me that Paul Hogan had more recently _______________________________
had surgery for several torn ligaments about his groin, apparently as a result of an unauthorized boxing match with an unmated joey, captured in the wild, and keen for a fight.
And a fight it was, when the elder statesman of UK's own partner in crime, Paul Hogan, stumbled over several groups of beer-drinking amateurs of sport and challenged __________________________________________________ __________________
him to a naked three-way Scrabble game with the joey, it wasn't long before chairs, bottles and fists were flying, let me tell you.
For all that, though, I know Hogan still has an abiding and deeply-rooted respect for _________________________
his hand-crafted coin purse made of a kangaroo's testicles, which he carries about his neck at all times and prays to daily, like a god.
One thing that causes Hogan to stumble, in addition to his inability to grow a horseshoe moustache, is his unwillingness to accept the place of a two-inch wide leather belt when __________________________________________