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too often these days it just seems to me that everything techy sucks and we should all be living in caves and pounding on rocks. Then I remember modern dentistry and indoor plumbing, and after that I calm down a bit.
The best thing about going out to the movies nowadays is ____________________.
to get to hear, "Aye, Cap'n! 'Tis a rare dilthium crystal!"
The one thing old Auntie Em used to say when she was in her cups was that "rechargeable batteries in AAA, AA, and other consumer sizes is a _______________________________________________"
hard thing for an old fart like me to figure out!"
My Great Aunt Edna never liked kids cutting through her yard; she would often ________________________
play 2-7 lowball poker, like a Kansas City horse, for bragging rights if she caught one of them..
Everyone knows the wheel in lowball should be __________________________________________
round, rubber, well-inflated and completely unencumbered.
Every once in awhile I just wanna _____________________________.
wang chung, therefore I achieve that task.
There are certain occasions when it's appropriate to ask "How much girth do you think is appropriate," but few of those are _________________________________________________
actually heard in polite company, especially in London.
Every time I'm in London, I always make sure to ______________________
fantasize about spitting in the street and not being interpolated by the 'bobbies.'
She's not my special lady, she's my fucking lady friend: __________________________________________________ _____________________
but you may know her as the ex-Duchess of York.
Have I ever partied with the Andrew formerly known as Prince? Well, ___________________________
yes I did, and I was happier than a punk in a Navy brig.
I was so broke I had to jack the dog off to __________________________________________________
get canine sperm which I could then sell on the black market. Believe me, it ain't worth that much.
I'm not proud of it, but I have to tell you, my other stupid money-making scheme, just last month, was to _______________________________
command the Archbishop of Westminster to pack my bags for a holiday in Vietnam.
"Ora pro nobis, regina pacis," Evelyn said sullenly as _______________________________________
she gave three defiant middle fingers to her Latin teacher.
The only time I ever tried to learn Latin, I ______________________.
failed valiantly to exceed my expectations.
The only thing better than a Roman Boy is a Greek _________________________________
Girl who looks a lot like Keira Knightley.
The last time I went down to my neighborhood bar, the guy in the last booth towards the back told me, "_________________________"
to hush you mouth, because ain't the kind of thing."
The day before, he walked into the US Post Office with ____________________________________________
eight peanut-butter jars full of pennies to buy stamps for his holiday cards.
The postal teller, seeing all those pennies, looked askance at him before saying, "__________________."
Sir, do you have an appointment and do you understand that this is a postal installation?
The next thing the little bugger did was to open up a box of _________________________________________
whupass and get all medieval on my buttocks.
Naturally I bitched and moaned, and right after that, I made sure to _____________________________
get good and tight, just as Graham Greene suggested.
Then, when after six years had elapsed, there was a sudden rumbling ________________________________________.
from my Great Aunt Edna, who had dozed off in her wicker chair in the corner for much longer than any of us expected her to.
The very first thing she said when she was fully awake and had slammed down six shots of spiced whiskey was, "_________________________
fix that damned turntable! The tracking force is not adjusted correctly!"
When it came to her music, Dame Edna was ____________________________________________
no snob: she enjoyed burlesque ditties just as much as she savored Handel's Messiah.
My Great Aunt Edna, on the other hand, could usually be expected to ___________________________________
send packages containing human tissue to noisome former lovers each February to commemorate one of the Sts. Valentine.
My Godfather Jerry once received a parcel ____________________________________________.
from the aforementioned Great Aunt Edna containing not one tiny bit of human tissue but, rather, the collected works of Charles Dickens translated into... Urdu? It's true. Don't ask me why.
Your Godfather Jerry, I've heard, was no Dickens fan, in either English or Urdu; ___________________________________
he could only grunt in the language of James Joyce, whatever that was.
Jerry Joseph James Joyce wrote some penetrating ________________________________________________
allegorical tales, invariably about carpentry, bleu cheese and the Assyrian Empire, but I'll be damned if I understand a word of 'em.
My copy of The Collected Works of Jerry Joseph James Joyce can usually be found ___________________________
right on the back of the toilet where I keep all my reading.
The last woman I caught snooping around in my bathroom, I was forced __________________________________.
to admit that I had no coconut-scented shampoo and suggested that she get the hell out of my bathroom, go to the pharmacy down the street and buy some of her own.
My favorite shampoo scent isn't coconut but ______________________________
it sure smells like a bite of peach to me, is what I said to her.
The last time a twelve-pound spring went missing __________________________________________________ ____
from the mechanics' pit, I had to drive all the way to Blawnox to buy a replacement. $450, can you &*%$ing believe it?
Blawnox is a wonderful town, sure, but in the cold and snow and ice and flu season of mid-January, I have to admit, ____________________________________
they's people sure don't cotton to much spicing in their cooking.
Why just the other day, I saw a cook in a restaurant cutting up __________________________________________________ _____.
eighteen stalks of celery and, I kid you not, a whole damn box of Nilla Wafers.
I had no interest in eating whatever the hell he was preparing, I assure you, but ____________________________
it was not those goddamned onions and carrots my father asked me to prepare today during my weekly visit chez lui.
Every time I do prep-cook work in the kitchen, it's as though _______________________________________________.
some cruel Third World rebel leader had ordered me, on pain of death, to prepare rice and beans for eight thousand or so of his guerillas.
There's nothing inherently wrong with rice and beans, mind you, but ________________________________
cooking for a gang is about as much fun as going on a forced march.
Cooking rice perfectly using just a pan with a lid and some fire is something that __________________________________________________ __________
every half-wit Latvian albino shepherd ought to be able to do... but most can't.
The only six Latvian albino shepherds I know are all ____________________________________________
playing in a Winter Bros. tribute band. Or creating tools for my own batterie de cuisine
Which consists of a solid end-grain chopping block, a razor-sharp cleaver, and _________________________________________________
eighteen whisks of various shapes, sizes and materials. My favorite, which I call "Whisky," is eight feet long and made of bamboo reinforced with aircraft-grade titanium. I've never actually used it.
Of course, if you'd like to borrow it sometime, I suppose ___________________________
I could get Endora to unclasp her thighs from around the handle of that whisk....she's mighty fond of riding that whisk as though it were a broom. Strange mother in law.
The nice thing about Dick York is that he was a better actor than ____________________________________
anyone else who looked slightly like him and took his role on a popular magic-related Sixties sitcom.
In some alternate universe, Dick York over the course of his long acting career played such roles as Hamlet, Sam Houston, Othello, Galadriel, Winston Churchill and ______________________________________
Wes DeJong, originally played by Dick Sargent, in the Broadway adaption of the film Hardcore.
The best gift for one's beloved girlfrenemy or boyfrenemy on Valentine's Day is always a box of hardcore __________________________________________________ _.
SpongeBob/Babylon 5 AI mashup porn, preset to play at top volume on any device.
As a joke, someone gave me a DVD of that once, years ago, but I could never _________________________
figure out how to polish the capstan correctly.
The last time a Bogan sent a Sheila an LP by mail or post it was ________________________________________________
an ANZAC day to remember, mark my words, Bruce!
The last time I attended a faculty meeting of the Philosophy Department of the University of Woolamaloo, Bruce, let me tell ya, mate, I nearly ________________________________
blew my whole whale of a Tuscan blowhole, out of my snout and hers too.
Maiji-Hellikki Aalto (random textbook author) and Jaakko Hintikka (very famous logician) have but one thing in common, and it is that tämä.......
mcgillicuddy, the great Finnish-Irish poet and acolyte of e e cummings, is a mutual favorite of theirs.
mcgillicuddy's collected works, stuff you never think about until your dog repeatedly bursts into flame, didn't win the Pulitzer Prize, true, but _______________________________
at least he is drowning in poontang, like all authors, known and unknown.
mcgillicuddy swore off women entirely when he decided __________________________________________________ _____.
that he wanted to lead a boring, solitary and deeply unhappy life.
mcgillicuddy didn't stick with that decision all that long, though, and after just two and a half weeks he was ____________________________
in the sack with another sheila, against all known precautions.
The thing that mcgillicuddt didn't bargain for is that Kathleen Turner came _______________________________________