stop hanging out with Great-Aunt Euphemia, it's the only game she can remember how to play!
When you find yourself on a boat _______________
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stop hanging out with Great-Aunt Euphemia, it's the only game she can remember how to play!
When you find yourself on a boat _______________
don't pick at the flooring
When the road is clear _______________
it is indeed a clear road.
I knew I shouldn't've ____
picked a fight with that biker gang right after my heart bypass.
So dance, dance, dance like it's the last night of ______
Carnival in Rio!
There is a house in New Orleans, they call ____________________
every night for a large Hawaiian pizza and don't tip for shit.
If you wanna be my lover, you gotta _________________
stop referring to my breasts as 'Thing One' and 'Thing Two'.
Don't go chasing waterfalls ____________________________
it obviously isn't good for your well-being!
Did you ever know that you're my _____
worst enemy, and I stick pins into a voodoo doll of you every night?
It's hard to teach children to ________________
dance, dance, dance like it's the last night of their lives.
I write the songs that make the whole ______
apartment complex hate me.
At my signal, unleash _____________
your foul stench!
Every time I think of you, ________
I hope the restraining order proves effective.
Leftover whipped cream can be used for ______________
several weeks, if you don't mind the occasional blob of mold.
Higher fuel prices mean ______________
it is a great excuse not to cut the grass.
Fifty shades of purple __________________
indicate you should loosen the restraints just a tad.
Like lambs to the slaughter ______________
so are the Days of our Lives.
Did you ever know that you're __________________
wearing your shoes on the wrong feet?
All hail the ____________
breakup of Tom Cruise's latest marriage!
You are so beautiful to __________
a range of about 20 feet - less than that, and the wrinkles get more obvious.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, ______________
they really should've shielded that exhaust port better.
O say can you see, by the dawn's _______
painful light, so much evidence that last night was a serious mistake?
They say that chewing ice is ___________________
a great weight-loss strategy.
It's morning in America, and _____________________
time to reelect President Obama!
God bless America, land that _______
has more land mass than any other land, except China and Russia.
A fun alternative to an ordinary weekday evening of watching TV or helping the kids with their homework is __________________
holding your own family Hunger Games, arming your children with wiffle bats.
I would pay more attention to the Olympics if __________________
they ate the losing dressage horses afterwards.
I've fried delicious golden balls of ___________________
ground chickpea meal, ate them all, and boy do I feelawful.
Beer is proof that God ____________
doesn't want us drinking fish pee.
A tiny rabbit has made its way into _____________
those tiny bubbles that Don Ho was always singing about.
Why don't you say you will, say you __________
will mow the lawn, only mean it this time!
Hey, you'll never guess what I found when __________
I cleaned out my garage: Jimmy Hoffa's suspenders!
On a long and lonely highway, east of Omaha, ________
I ate a Runza sandwich, because the only other things at the rest stop were Shoney's and Denny's.
The only thing required for evil to triumph is ___________________
for OCS to be given supreme executive power.
I'm Henry the Eighth I am, Henry the Eighth ________
and I eat Spam.
I do not like green eggs and _____
that's all there is to be said on the subject.
Some people finish what they start, and _____________
some people
You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, ____________
if you don't stand still, your pants are going to be hemmed all crooked.
There was an old woman who lived in a ____________________
school for gifted youngsters, making things rather awkward for all involved.
The only thing worse than being talked about is ____________
being constantly mistaken for Oscar Wilde.
I have nothing to declare except _____
two suitcases full of high-grade marijuana.
Give a man a fish, and he has food for a day; ______________
give a man a job and he can buy whatever food he wants.
Everybody knows the world is full of __________________
trillions of lice and bedbugs, and it can fill you with crippling dread if you think on it too long.
One way in which humans are very much like cats is __________________
that both have a traditional aversion to dogs; that is, except for people and cats who like dogs, of course.
We have nothing to fear but ________
the velociraptors in the garage.
I've never seen anything so ___________________
like my appearance as my reflection.
Joy to the world, _____
Christmas is still more than five months away.
Away in a manger, _________
drugs were stashed...
You better watch out, _____
the narcotics squad is gonna storm the manger and find those drugs.
Silent night, holy _________
CRAP, MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!!!
Dashing through the snow, ______
I plunged my head into a snowdrift in an attempt to extinguish the flames.
Once in David's royal city ______
Goliath had a headache.
Come, they told me ______
with wide smiles and naked bodies, so I joined in the orgy with great enthusiasm.
He's making a list and __________
soon, several people will ''swim wid da fishes''.
Fall on your knees, and ____
put your elbows on my thighs, and show me how much you love me, Keira.
We Three Kings of Orient are ________
not walking into a bar! :mad:
He knows when you are sleeping, ______
so if I were you I'd stay awake as long as you possibly can.
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep ______
an average of ten insects a year crawl or drop into thine open mouth.
When we die, our bodies become the grass ________________
, but not in some lyrical or semimystical way; I'm referring to decomposition, Simba, which is pretty nasty.
Feed the birds, tuppence a ________
bag to go poisoning pigeons in the park.
A spoonful of sugar helps ______________________
make even the nastiest medicine taste just slightly more palatable, I'm told.
Just get me to the church _______
or I will doubt your credentials as a taxi driver.
Waiter, there's a ____
problem with my date. It isn't covered in cream.
What goes up, ________________
just might go up and up and up, reaching escape velocity and never returning to Earth.
Fish and guests _____
should expect to be covered in tartar sauce when they come to my house.
Every time a bell rings ____________________
someone had to stop ol' Mopey George from jumping off that bridge again.
In many cultures, it is considered bad luck _____________
to make any online post ending in the numbers "66."
Our Father, who art in Heaven, __________
please forgive me for what I'm about to do to this lady in front of me in the "10 items or fewer" line - she's writing a check, for God's...um...your sake.
The sound of one hand clapping is _________
not as loud as 2 hands clapping, but still audible.
Alas, my love, you do me wrong, to ____
Mary's lap is slee-ee-ping?
Cigarette packaging really should ___________
be absolutely impenetrable - think of the lives we could save!
The Surgeon General has determined that _______
House was never a real Doctor.
Is it just me, or is Mello ____
more lively and fun than ever?
Smile when you say _______
you're sad! :)
If I had a dollar every time _____
I asked for one, panhandling would almost be worth it.
As Bob Costas says, ____________________________
"I can't believe they're paying me this much just to sit around and talk about a lot of sweaty people in London!"
When I saw the Queen jump out of a helicopter, ______
I wondered why Scotland Yard were chasing her.
As I said to the Spaniard, _____
yo no soy zurdo tampoco.
Standing on the shoulders of giants ________________
means my chronic and especially itchy athlete's foot fungus will rub off on them, too.
My baloney has a first name, __________
and it's H. O. M. E. R....
Donuts are _____
Bien jugado, señor.Quote:
Originally posted by OneCentStamp
the foundation of my revolutionary new finance system.Quote:
Originally posted by spitz
Every day, I get a little bit closer to __________________
figuring out what's really going on between Tom Cruise's ears.
If Tom Cruise proposed marriage to me, ___________
I'd punch him in his fat ugly nose (if my arm could punch low enough).
Katie Holmes must _______
be sanitized in an autoclave before being allowed to re-enter the celebrity dating pool.
With all these big-budget comic book movies over the last decade, I wish they would __________
make one that doesn't star a Caucasian man.
Olympic medal podiums should ________________
rigged to jump and down like a Latino street gang's low-rider.
If you can't say something nice, _______
then you're probably unhappy about something.
I'm so hungry, _____
I could look at pictures of delicious food on Google Images all day and I'd probably still be famished.
It's the story, of a lovely lady, ______
who was bringing up five dozen angora ferrets.
Just sit right back and you'll _______
fall ass over teakettle, because that chair's broken, podner.
Give a little bit, give a little bit of __________
your change to me.
When I look in the mirror, all I see is ______________
me.
What the world needs now ________
is a bottomless nacho pit.
In the white room, with ___________________
pink curtains, I couldn't help but notice how dirty the carpet was.
LOL. My best laugh all day - thanks!Quote:
Originally posted by Orual
The streets were jammed with _________
jam; the ants were eating for weeks!
These pretzels are ____
soon to become part of American pop culture for the Nineties.
They're real, and they're ________
heading this way! RUN!!!
I'm Barack Obama, and I _____________________
am pretty sure I'm gonna beat whoever Mitt Romney is pretending to be this year.
By picking Paul Ryan as his running mate, Romney _______
proved how fond he was of people with two first names.
The Wisconsin legislature is known for their _______________
well-hidden aversion to dairy products of all kinds.
The only kind of people who move to Wisconsin are ______
those whose love of beer and dairy products outweighs their fear of batshit legislators.
Throw me the idol, I'll ___________________
hurl it with all my might at Ryan Secrest.
Snakes! Why'd it have to ______
be a category for judging at a porn convention.
The wrong guy in the wrong place ________________________
can hurt, so better to have a lot of lube available.
I can see you, your brown hair ________
is like a bees nest stuck up above the hedge.
When running across the road, _________________
remember that you are impervious to anything bigger than a tricycle.
Romney was talking about 47% of the American population, but _______.
he only cares about the 1%.
There is nothing love cannot fix, other than _____________________
a 1962 Dodge Dart that's actually on fire.
My advice to the candidates just before the debate would be ________
to do everything completely different to how you normally prepare for these things...
If I had one minute alone with Mitt, ......
I would congratulate him on doing pretty well in the first debate, but assure him I still won't be voting for him.
If I had one minute alone with Barack, _______
I would ask him what the hell he was doing in that first debate...
If I alone controlled American politics, .....
I would abolish the filibuster in the U.S. Senate and repeal Citizens United.
Politics this time of year can really _______
take a long walk off a short pier.
When Romney becomes POTUS, ......
I'm imploding.
How often have you said to yourself...
"I really, really hope Romney doesn't win"?
If Obama wins, __________
Romney will probably cry.
If Romney moved in next to me, .......
I would be polite but not seek out his company.
If Obama moved in next to me after leaving the White House, ______
he would have to evict the current neighbours and I don't think they would be too happy.
One for sorrow, two for joy,___________________
three to change my name to Foy.
Now that autumn is here, _____
its dark when I get home from work :(
Sticks and stones may break my bones, ___________________
but whoever threw them will eventually have to face my lawyer.
I'm not gonna pay a lot for _______
this fake Rolex.
This little piggy went to _____
the stock exchange, bought gold and made a million, before putting out a contract on a Mr B.B. Wolf.
You put your left foot in, ____________________
Genghis Khan chops it off. Poor you.
If there's one thing I like about Genghis Khan, it's ________
...his deep and abiding passion for pedicures.
There are thousands of people in bright orange clothing roaming ________
a much bigger Guantanamo in some alternate universe.
I don't look good in orange; I'd much rather wear ________
...purple tie dye with white splatters, because it looks like I'm wearing the cosmos.
People are bound to talk, but I _______
...just can't stop wearing kittens.
If there's something strange in your neighborhood, who _______
you gonna call? Not the Ghostbusters; that would be cliched.
I get a kick ________
...in the face every time I steal Oreos from my grandmother.
When I open a new jar of peanut butter, I _______
...spend the next few minutes shaking out my sore hand.
I'm up far too late, but it's_______
...time for a thirty second dance party.
I have never seen such a juicy ______
and tempting melons outside of a Benny Hill sketch.
Whenever I see Benny Hill as the toymaker in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, I invariably __________
...wonder why I'm watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
I fell asleep last Saturday, under __________
a beautiful woman to whom I don't think I was ever formally introduced.
In this casual age, formal introductions are ______
best handled through a penguin and his interpreter.
Young women of this generation have no ______
idea how attractive I find far too many of them.
Stroll around any campus these days and ______
...you're bound to find someone who makes political ideas you generally agree with sound crazy.
When I find myself with a bright light shining in my eyes, I just want_______
to tell the Border Patrol agents to go bother someone else for a change.
If you want to live in the good ol' U.S.A., you'd better ______
have continuous residence in the country for at least five years.
The most embarrassing part of it all was ______
when I forgot that I was wearing three hats, two of which weren't even mine.
A well-dressed gentleman should always _____
keep a clockwork squid in his breast-pocket for emergencies.
The key to a good Hanukkah is _______
convincing yourself that the holiday really means anything.
The key to a great Christmas is ______
brandy, brandy, brandy.
Come all ye faithful, ________
and buy, buy, BUY to help end this damned recession!
I'll bet Mitt Romney these days is ______
quarreling with Rafalca.
The best treatment for frost bite _______
slowly warming yourself while looking up who - or what - Rafalca is.
In 2013, the Romneys' dressage horse at least can ________
look forward to avoiding that pesky White House press corps.
For this thread to succeed, __________
it needs people playing along
Fool me once, shame on you. ____________________
Fool me sixteen times, I must really be an idjit.
Threads that were dormant for a long time just _______.
need someone to be stupid enough to bump them.
The hardest words to say are ______________________
"Good Lord, are we on the eighth page already?"
Online invocations to the Almighty are _______
both frequent and common when dealing with idiots.
Wearing spandex should not be attempted by _____________________
anyone fat or over the age of 25.
Weightism and ageism ought to be ____________
obsolete if everyone is fat and old.
The sun has got his hat on, _________________
but the moon is bald as can be.
Baldness really never _______
grew on some people
T-shirts and flip flops should be ______________
required beachwear around here.
If I could go to any beach in the world, ___________
I wouldn't choose the one just outside of Sellafield.
Driving along in my automobile, ______________________
I had to dodge to avoid hitting a harp seal.
The thing I hate about harp seals is _______
that I have no idea what a harp seal is.
Someone who knows the price of everything, ___________________
would be useful to take shopping if you're blind.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harp_seal
I now realize that harp seals ______________
are not as cool as a Walrus
Photoshop has its uses, but ____________________
mostses walruses refuses to uses it.
That last sentence almost ________
passed for 14-yr-old's Harry Potter fan-fiction excerpt.
The strangest things happen __________________________
while writing Harry Potter fan-fiction excerpts.
J.K. Rowling really needs to work on __________
keeping secrets
The only one who doesn't know a secret is __________________
my Great Aunt Tilly, who's been dead for, jeez, thirty years now.
Great Aunt Tilly really ought to ________
mention where she left the proper will.
Its not the heat in the kitchen, ___________________
it's knowing when to use apostrophes.
Spelling purists should really ________
remember we dont all now how too spel korrektly.
It's raining, its pouring, ______________________
it's still better to use apostrophes the rite wey.
If I drank one more glass of lemonade, __________
I wouldn't be able to eat that wafer-thin mint...
Its raining, its pouring, _______________________
I guess I should just give up.
Whenever I hear a clock chime, _____________
I wonder what happened to the cuckoo.
When running down a steep slope, one should always _________________
be sure there's not a cliff ahead.
Whenever I hear the William Tell overture, I _______________
duck. Just in case.
High on a hill lived a lonely goatherd, ____________________
but the Nazis soon killed him.
Why did the Nazis always _______?
fail to follow the evil overlord rules.
When tampering with the supernatural, ________________________
make sure there's a camera crew nearby.
Mulder and Scully always ____________
did like Catatonia.
The sound of the valleys ________________
isn't as nice as the view from the mountaintop.
Whenever I go mountain-climbing, I make sure _____________
the goats don't eat me.
Whenever I see a goat, _______
I make sure I'm not crossing a bridge.
Sheep are about as intelligent as ____________________
they need to be under the circumstances, or so Darwin might say.
Darwin never quite understood that _________________
the platypus was God's way of having a joke.
Award ceremonies are just an excuse ______________________________
for the rich and famous to be envied by everyone else.
If I got an Academy Award, I'd _______________
still wonder whether all those bribes I paid out were worth it.
Putting up a shelf is easy, ______________________________
if you hire someone else to do it for you.
If I were any good as a handyman, I'd ________________
still hire someone else to do it :D
I wandered lonely as a cloud _________________________
then I realised it my subconscious telling me my bladder was full.
When I wake up, _____________
I have to tell all the supermodels it's time to go.
If all these supermodels would just leave me alone, ___________
it would be easier to enjoy a bag of twiglets.
Just because you can't hear it, ___________________________________
doesn't mean the termites aren't eating your house.
If I ever met a 40-foot-tall termite, I would most likely _______________
apologise about the incident with the Raid and his cousins.
When they said to try walking in a straight line, _________________________
I said, "You're not my supervisor!"
Anyone who doesn't like Cheryl Tunt on Archer is __________
obviously missing the pun?
When it rains, it pours, when it shines, ____________________
I get out my sunglasses.
With springtime just around the corner, _________
people were constantly surprised when it kept jumping out and going Boo!
If you are driving on the left, ______________
you better not be in Blawnox, Penna.
If it were up to me, all __________