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Shakespeatean usagr-img
Tearing out every third page of your neighbor's Collected Works of Shakespeat in outrage over the misspelling.
Using the word 'utilize' except as a diagnostician or fairy
Vacuuming up all of your Great Aunt Edna's Skittles before she's finished with them.
Warning your neighbor in writing that she is a fat bitch, and taping it to a tree.
Xylophone-playing very loudly until 3am even though you know that your Great Aunt Edna has an important exam early that day.
Yelling quiet as can be while checking the mail, 'Why doesn't that bitch of a lady mailman stop flicking her bean and start delivering the fucking mail?!'y
Zebras, at least three dozen zebras, purposely stampeded through Great Aunt Edna's living room.
Announcing loudly that Floyd's going to put that MMA pussy McGregor into a coma.
Billing your extremely expensive visit to a Moscow bordello to the White House Travel Office account.
Culling the weak for later live practice.
Dumping your White House Chief of Staff as you step off Air Force One while he's still aboard.
Exciting your limbic system, and your neighbors.
Forgetting your grandchildren's names when they come for a visit.
Grabbing some Prince Albert and telling the cashier they modeled the can after my dick, just like the champagne glass was modeled from Antoinette's breast.
Heaving another passenger's annoying brat overboard while on a Caribbean cruise.
Getting a tattoo with all the answers to the state Bar exam encoded. Whoops.
Inking yourself. Period.
Jonesing for a dozen blows to the head with a steel mallet.
kissin' cousins
Linking a Mellophant post to this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ
Making a mountain out of a molehill-literally
Never, ever picking up the tab when going out to lunch with your Great Aunt Edna.
Opening, peaking and resealing Christmas presents.
Peeling open the skin of an infant on a heap of dung.
Questioning the authority of the judge while in court.
Running down the aisle of the jet yelling, "We're all gonna die! We're all gonna die!"
Standing up and delivering the Indianapolis monologue from Jaws at a technology conference today.
Taking your adorable little niece's Christmas stocking and pooping in it.
Using hydrocodone without playing bebop on a piano or other instrument.
Vacuuming up everyone's Christmas candies before they've been eaten.
Wishing that library administrators weren't total boner assholes.
"Xylophones for everyone!" you scream over and over again as you run through the music store.
Yelling into everyone's available ear, "The internet is on crazy pills! Head for the hills!"
Zeroing in on everyone's most embarrassing character flaw, and criticizing them relentlessly on Facebook.
Acting antagonistic.
Belching very, very loudly as you meet Her Majesty the Queen.
Creaming butter, slowly, with your fingers, in a small bowl while awaiting instructions on the job.
Doing donuts on the immaculately-manicured lawn of your future father-in-law.
Easily stalling and grinding the future father-in-laws's new Maserati's transmission while gingerly moving it off your front lawn, where the bastard parked it.
Finding fault, loudly and insultingly, with your fiancee's personal habits during the first meal you share together with her and her parents.
Giving vaginal tightening cream to your fiancée's mother, explaining it did a lot for her daughter.
Hating on your fiancée's dad just because he's rich, handsome, successful and has a vestigial tail.
Introducing your fiancée's mother to vaginal tightening cream, by applying it vigorously with a wire brush and milky soft hands.
Jamming with a bass guitar turned up to 11 while your Great Aunt Edna is trying to nap.
Killing the vibe of indifference by talking with women about other woman, who may or may not have been in earshot: other women have ways of drawing the meat out of men.
"Liking" neo-Nazi pages on Facebook and sending links to your rabbi.
Milking the essences of various humans by hand. And collecting the residue.
Never, ever allowing your Great Aunt Edna to have any private time with her dates.
Onanistically admiring Rey without bothering to listen to a word she says. Just like a real girl.
Punishing your waiter with a tiny tip for not filling your water glass often enough despite otherwise-excellent service.