Willfully dumping 5,000 Fizzies into the pool during a swim meet.
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Willfully dumping 5,000 Fizzies into the pool during a swim meet.
X-Raying an x-ray tube using another x-ray tube to generate x-rays.
Yelling "Don't forget your ointment, Timmy!" to your son as he walks onto a college campus for the first time.
Zippering a zipper-head after you zapped 'em.
Adulterating children's milk with cyanide and sawdust.
Bitching at your mom via text, while saying "up yours," and "go fuck yourself." Ah, family reunions! Joy.
Callously knocking down your jerk of a nephew's elaborate Lego tower.
Deliberately knocking down the delusions of your nephew.
Exercising during prayer vigils.
Fisting an offender in front of their children, instead of challenging them to a duel.
Giving your dueling opponent a non-functioning pistol.
Hand-waving a holocaust.
Ignoring the screams of the other passengers as you seize the controls of the supersonic jet.
Jacking it. Just jacking it.
Kinking the air hose of your buddy just after he goes over the side of the boat in his deep-sea-diving suit.
Licking it. Just licking it.
Macerating it. Just macerating it.
N*****sn****ing the snappers at the seafood market.
Opening up a can o' whupass on the nearest near-sighted Girl Scout.
Putting it in the mashed potatoes. All of it.
Quietly spreading the rumor that Jizzelbin is actually an 87-year-old left-handed dyslexic Inuit lesbian.
Ripping open a new hole in a hippie dog.
Spitting in Mary Jane Rottencrotch's c***. I wanted the "S" dammit! You guys didn't have it ready for me!
Taking two turns in a row. ;-)
Usurping the throne with a full Depends.
Vacuously discussing your most-hated Seventies sitcom with your in-laws, when they'd rather be talking about the 2016 campaign.
Wishing people would just get with the fucking program, and cut out their bullshit shit.
Xeroxing things when the company, fiercely protecting its copyright, would really rather you used the verb "photocopy."
Yelling like a fucking bitch in triumph that someone got the "X" and didn't choke, like I would have!
Zebras under each foot, thundering down the aisle at your best friend's wedding to object to the proceedings.
Asking for a piece of the crack.
Borrowing money to pay for the crack.
Calling out to a high school zoo volunteer, "Hey, you were going to show me your breeding boxes!"
Deliberately leaving the light on after you're done in the bathroom.
Eating the moistened cremains of a box turtle.
Felching a dead but pre-cremation box turtle.
Getting a box. A big box. For a turtle. For your mom. And her turtle.
Having a funeral for your mom (and her turtle) before they're actually dead.
Insisting it's actually a tortoise.
Juggling infant tortoises (or turtles) before their shells are hard, and dropping them just a bit too often.
Keeping after those diminutive zoo volunteers, with their luscious, inviting, temperature-controlled tortoise-filled breeding boxes.
Letting your pubic hair grow to luxuriant lengths, and then offering to show it to the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Making milking motions on Isabella Rosselini's breasts.
Nuzzling under the armpits of Jennifer Lawrence when you bump into her on the red carpet.
Offering your dick to a chain drugstore employee, by not X"Y"Z.
Putting out for the Archbishop of Canterbury, and then trying to blackmail him with the pictures.
Queenie. Little Queenie. Jerry Lee Lewis-style.
Running up and down the aisle at a funeral, shouting, "Trump killed him! Trump killed him! Or was it Hillary...?"
Saying "'Twas Beauty Killed The Beast," uniformly voting for none.
Taking after-dinner mints by the handful and stuffing them in your mouth as you leave a swanky restaurant.