Opinions wanted on former friend's behavior

I used to have a friend. Let's call him X. We met at university and I have known him for several years. He was in my innermost circle of friends both on and off campus together with another friend. (Let's call her Y.)

Then his thesis was due some time early in January. We met all met at Y's birthday party in the first days of January, still within the extended Christmas/New Year holidays. Nothing extraordinary happened - except that it was the last time we saw him before he disappeared from the face of the earth. We didn't hear from him again. He didn't answer his phone, neither cell nor landline, and didn't react to texts or mails. He missed his deadline and did not hand in his thesis which he claimed to have completed a few weeks earlier (not that that means much.) He didn't just abandon us and all the other students but he also simply disappeared from his student assistant job. In fact after three months his boss asked us whether we had heard from him because they couldn't reach him. Y needed information related to his job from him for a project. That means that she had both private and academic reasons to contact him.

After a while of being unable to reach him this seemed seriously strange to us. Of course we had no idea what happened to him. All we knew was that if he had been run over by a bus quite a while ago it would look exactly like that.
We found out the number of his parents who lived nearby. It turned out that he was there and the parents didn't seem to be aware that anything was amiss. Y briefly talked to him but he completely refused to acknowledge that he behaved strangely and did not volunteer any information. Shortly afterwards I called and got essentially the same reaction. That was many months ago by now.

Last week we heard that he had been sighted on campus and today Y and I finally were able to confront him. Well, now we know that he is back and writing a new thesis. Before that he apparently spent some (but by far not all) time abroad. He refuses do give any explanation for his behavior. The only way in which he acknowledged the whole affair was that he said that after all we know him and perhaps he is simply an ass. Other than that apparently he would like to go on as if this year never happened.

Y and I didn't really know what to expect today but we were still taken aback by his complete indifference.

Opinions? Comments?

I didn't choose any of the poll options because I didn't feel they fit. It could be a tragic dark secret, but there's no proof so I'd avoid leaping to conclusions. If he doesn't want to volunteer information, that's his prerogative, but it's also your prerogative to not waste time being friendly if that's not what he wants. Am I making sense?

Honest to God, who can say? Maybe he had some kind of breakdown, maybe he's a jerk, who knows? People do strange things. I agree, though, that you're certainly within your rights to not just allow him to pick up the friendship like nothing happened.

I would lean towards your ex-friend's actions are a mystery and you now know you cannot count on him for anything but if he is fun to hang out with then what the hell. Just do not rely on him for anything important. Don't give him money for concert tickets. Don't do joint projects with him. Heck, don't even plan on him picking up the beer. ;)

If the dude is really your friend then let it go and give him space to adjust back to your group. Whatever it was will come out in time. Or if you're impatient just get him wasted and wait for it to spill forth like so many pints.

To me, it sounds like there was some kind of crisis - either a personal problem, or an issue with his family. Of course, this doesn't mean that you are obligated to take him back into your circle of friends like nothing happened, but I'd be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I'd be OK with hanging out with the friend, but it would be a long time before I really trusted them again, and if I never got an explanation or at least an acknowledgement that they had acted amiss, I never really would.

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Originally posted by OneCentStamp

I'd be OK with hanging out with the friend, but it would be a long time before I really trusted them again, and if I never got an explanation or at least an acknowledgement that they had acted amiss, I never really would.

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Yeah, this is how I'd feel.

I've had friends disappear and act like nothing happened before, but it was for a few days or weeks, not months on end. And it didn't involve work and academics, either. The fact that it was so extended makes me think there was some crisis which he doesn't want to get into. Which is fine, it's his personal business, but it would make me wary that he'd offer no explanation whatsoever. Even a simple "it's personal and I don't want to talk about it" would help.

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Originally posted by Zuul

Which is fine, it's his personal business, but it would make me wary that he'd offer no explanation whatsoever. Even a simple "it's personal and I don't want to talk about it" would help.

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Exactly! My real friends are all entitled to conceal or reveal whatever they see fit, but they don't just get to blithely sweep shit under the rug. The phrase Feirefiz's friend needs to learn is "I'm not yet ready to talk about what happened or why, but I'm sorry for just bailing like that."

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Originally posted by Inner Stickler

I didn't choose any of the poll options because I didn't feel they fit.

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Yes, I know. Don't take them too seriously.


I just don't know how to react. On one hand you know that there is something wrong. He didn't only break off contact with us, but he engaged in some potentially self-destructive behaviour. You feel that in a way he needs help - whether he is aware of it or not. And as my namesake's brother can attest sometimes offering help is just the decent thing to do.

On the other hand, as much as we would be willing to make concessions, damn, we need something to work with. In Y's case he actually screwed her pretty badly by abandoning her project although it was part of his job (and not some casual at-will deal, technically speaking he was a state employee with a fixed contract.) He needs to acknowledge the issue in some way and stop bullshitting us. You didn't hand in your completed thesis because you were too lazy? :smack Oh, wait, a few pages were still missing, although you told us months before it was due that you gave it to the print shop for binding. :dubious:
When we told him to his face "Listen, X, you have to admit that your story contains some serious plot holes. Do you have any comments?" that would have been a good opportunity to dial back the smugness at least a tiny bit. We should have known that you are an ass and proud of it. Sure.

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Originally posted by Feirefiz

He needs to acknowledge the issue in some way and stop bullshitting us. .......
When we told him to his face "Listen, X, you have to admit that your story contains some serious plot holes. Do you have any comments?" that would have been a good opportunity to dial back the smugness at least a tiny bit.

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This would be pretty offputting for me and to be honest, I would not personally feel like being friends with this person until he at least acknowledges that something serious occurred. I would tell him that I will be glad to listen if he ever wants to talk about it or help if I can, but I would not be interested in buying into the fantasy that nothing happened and everything is the same as before.

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Originally posted by Feirefiz

You feel that in a way he needs help - whether he is aware of it or not. And as my namesake's brother can attest sometimes offering help is just the decent thing to do.

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If someone really needs the help then they'll ask for it. Okay, not really. That's a perfect world scenario. But while he could need someone to at least talk to, and you're offering to do all you can, he probably wouldn't accept or listen to any aid until he's ready.

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Originally posted by Feirefiz

In Y's case he actually screwed her pretty badly by abandoning her project... He needs to acknowledge the issue in some way and stop bullshitting us. When we told him to his face "Listen, X, you have to admit that your story contains some serious plot holes. Do you have any comments?"

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This would be a great way to never see him again. If that's what you want. I'm not defending his behavior, but if you would like to blow off some of your own steam you can try it.

In the relationship between you, X, and Y it was probably X that suffered the most damage to himself in regards to school, work, and projects; not to mention the friendships. As for letting him back into your life everyone has already given good advice. You can still be friends, it'll just be a long time before you can consider depending on him. If you stick around long enough then maybe he will trust you more as well to let you know really happened.


This may sound suspicious, but have you tried Googling his name recently?

Yeah, I can't really vote in this poll either. But I'm leaning toward "sociopathic ass" just because he doesn't seem the least bit contrite. Sure, I could imagine scenarios where he went off the deep end in some way and he would rather just forget about it. But (a) a normal person would not act "smug" in such a condition, they'd act troubled or embarrassed; and (b) y'know what, even if he suffered a major depression, was humiliatingly raped, lost his secret lover to cancer, or some horrible thing I can't imagine -- that does not excuse him from minimal fulfillment of his obligations to other people. Life sucks and bad things happen to good people all the time, but I don't care *WHAT* happens to you, there is no situation that gives you carte blanche to be a dick to the point where you cause professional problems for innocent people. People suffer dreadful injustices and traumas, and they still manage to say "Sorry I left you in the lurch, the reason is because something horrible happened to me."