Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
A story I wrote a few years ago. Let me know what you think! I know it's kind of rough around the edges but I'm thinking of polishing it.
She was older than what I might normally have thought of as someone I'd engage in sex with, though younger than I am by 4 years. She wasn't attractive in the sense of beauty as I'd define it, but at her age, and with respect for herself, she maintained what level of beauty she had.
The important thing is, she was as hungry as I told her I was, and we both had food to offer.
Seduction is a mutual thing, and/or crafted in our minds as well as our organs, and without feeling egocentric, I knew I could pleasure her beyond any experience she'd known lately. I too was alone, and still felt it when primal urges were trying to take control. Hence my seeking someone to enjoy those urges with. I rarely judge anyone by appearance alone, but don't think of myself as a Saint because of that, just someone wanting to share passion, another warm body, and yes,,, release.
She was a surprise in the meeting, and I probably wouldn't have given her a look had we passed on the street, but when we met, I sensed a longing in her to experience love certainly, and even at her age I had to believe she also, still, had urges. It turns out I was correct.
She allowed, without much resistance, kissing, and a slow building of caressing. Her responses, though guarded at first, became something she wasn't exactly in control of. For all her caution, and shy hesitation, she opened up fairly soon to having attention paid to her.
Moaning when her neck was kissed, gasping as each breast was caressed after allowing them to be bared, and verbalizing,,,"Yesssssss" as I attempted to waken her long suppressed desires, she allowed all that happened.
As I sank to my knees I licked and kissed what I hoped was a starving body, a bit over weight, perhaps conditioned by age, and apathy, in the end result, and often with eyes closed, don't we all "want"and dismiss so much?
Trailing my lips and tongue over her body, nibbling, and licking her long denied, needs, I arrived at her throbbing pussy. I'm a very oral person, so I lingered there, tasting, enjoying the clean, yet very human flow of the chemicals we naturally exude in a sexual act, or anticipation. She moaned aloud, clutching my head to her crotch, and inhibitions vanished as she experienced what might have been her first orgasm in a very long time.
With less effort, I had her body on her bed, and with no encouragement her legs spread, allowing access to what was obviously a hunger,,, very wet, hot, with a longing to be sated. Here was a woman, long without sex, probably suppressing desires, and yet, wanting so much to know a reawakening of them.
I wasted no time in devouring her pussy. She cried out, held my head and allowed her forgotten clit to be milked. Bouncing very animatedly off the bed, she drove herself, with my help, to more orgasmic joy than she'd known in years, and lasted longer, I'm certain, than even she imagined she would. Her cum flowed like the Noah flood, her verbalizing was almost pagan, and very much in words she probably never spoke aloud, until now,,,and she was clean, smelled pleasant, and tasted as I knew she would,,,of Woman.
Not waiting for her to relax I moved up to impale her, and had agreed to her condition of a condom for the purpose of "safe sex." I'm not opposed to it, but in knowing those I engage with, it's never been an issue. This however, was only our second time together, and certainly I respected her fears. She aided me in putting the condom on, which gave her a better sense of security, and allowed us both the sensations of touch..
I pressed my fingers against the pouty lips of her pussy, and her sharp intake of breath was a message that if she was afraid, she still accepted her fate in the moment, and I pushed hard into her, wanting to fuck her wildly, even against her weak statement, "No, not yet" After the fact she would say "YES, more" and I knew I had her. Addiction was the next step, and she would follow that path.
She obviously remembered everything about how it is to "have sex", "make love", "get fucked", and her juices flowed often and abundantly in that first few hours. Endurance was something we had already discussed, and neither enjoyed the quick Fuck and roll off, that happens often. She had told me early on that "making love" should be special, and I agree. She wanted to feel emotion, not just be an old "whore", which I respect, and she claimed her own ability to make fireworks happen. On that note I was anticipating as much as she delivered.
It wasn't until the second encounter that she sucked my cock, willingly, and without insinuation or prodding, she became the oral slut we both discovered she held in check, for so long, but wanted to be. The night began much as the first time we had sex, and at some point, she moved to experience, or explore what it was like to have another orifice filled.
"Oh my" she cried out, after I had exploded in her mouth the first time. "I so love sucking cock and missed it for so long, thank you for sharing yours with me." Her mouth accepted all I delivered, with no apparent desire to pull back. It seems she was a swallower not a spitter, and gasping for breath, she recalled all she knew in pleasing a man. She used her tongue, and hummed, hollowed her cheeks and very much enjoyed sucking her first cock after so long.
Initially she was fearful, and teased more than accepted totally, what was happening. She was the one on her knees now, had tilted back, me straddling her face and as I insisted myself she opened her throat taking my cock as deep as it would go, cupping my balls as they bounced against her chin with every thrust. When I was ready to cum, she moaned, knowingly, and pulled me closer, wanting her reward. Her nose buried into my abdomen, as she took my cock as deep into her mouth as it would go. Her gurgling, gagging sounds drove me, and as I exploded into her, she choked on all that filled her mouth, then swallowed every drop of cum she could.
Lingering long after, she continued her love making at my cock, swiping away stray cum with her tongue and fingers. Short of breath, she hoarsely whispered her joy in the experience, after such a long time. "I never thought I wanted cock, as much as I feel it now" she said, "and I want to cum, and cause you to cum, all the time, any time, every time."
As it happened that night she did cum often, as I fucked her eager pussy, so long without attention, many times. She gobbled my cock as if it was her greatest joy, and was rewarded each time with a load of hot cum, which she savored and swallowed. Always asking for more, and never refusing her, I fucked her hungry mouth until her jaws ached, always delivering hot, heavy cum for her to savor.
When we rested she said she wanted to say something. "I may seem an old school teacher, and I know I'm ugly, and fat, but I also know how much I want to be your cock sucker, and be treated like your submissive, but not abused. I loved your cock, and I'll be your cum drinking whore anytime you want to unload in my mouth."
That said, I put my hand behind her head, tilted it back with her hair entwined in my fingers, and said, "Show me baby,,,Suck my cock until it fills your hot, wanting mouth."
She did as she was told, and I fucked her face hard, with no regard other than to fill her mouth and throat with cum, until she drained me. She grunted like the wild woman she was so long deprived of this. With each thrust forward, she gasped for breath and on every out stroke, regained some control. Her saliva coated my cock and ran down her chin, as she did everything she knew in sucking her prize. She tried to speak, and it came out as muffled, garbled sounds, but when she pulled back, with her mouth stretched and jaws aching, she said, " I love this, I want to drink all the cum you have."
We fucked and sucked until sunrise, then began again, tired but still wanting, until finally, and almost at the same time we said, "When can we do this again?"
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
Quote:
Originally posted by Truth and Beauty
A story I wrote a few years ago. Let me know what you think! I know it's kind of rough around the edges but I'm thinking of polishing it.
She was older than what I might normally have thought of as someone I'd engage in sex with, though younger than I am by 4 years. She wasn't attractive in the sense of beauty as I'd define it, but at her age, and with respect for herself, she maintained what level of beauty she had.
This is unclear. I'm interpreting this to mean, "She was older than I was at that time, although her age at that time was four years less than the age I am now." Is that correct?
Otherwise. . . . well, stylistically, it's terrible writing. I've never appreciated my memories of Penthouse Forum, c. 1976, so much. It's bad to the point of being anti-erotic; is that deliberate?
Edited to correct my coding.
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
Sorry, I read it as basic formula porn story lines. Over-imaginative, too self-centered, and too close in style to so much of the so-called erotic writing I have seen.
I have read a lot of erotic literature, both from masters of the genre to beginners.This story needs a LOT of polish to be published, IN MY OPINION only, IANA porn writer nor real critic.
ETA- in one night together, how many times did she suck you dry, and how many times did you fuck her!
Exaggerations don't make a good story.
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
I've been thinking about this piece; so already it's succeeded on that level. It occurs to me that it might fit into a larger story, with the backstory of the narrator being that he's never actually had sex, and now he's an emotionally stunted middle-aged virgin on the back end of decades of hard-core masturbation, trying to imagine the life he might have had if it weren't for something lacking -- that empty space inside. What is there in the world (as he sees it) the right shape to fill that space? He's built an elaborate fantasy history, complicated in terms of events but cluelessly simplistic in terms of psychological depth (like a Hollywood summer blockbuster vs. an Ingmar Bergman movie). That's what I get from the narrative voice you've established.
I really think you could develop this into a full-length novel, in which the true history, needs and limitations of the narrator gradually become clear. The reader would start out by viewing the narrator with contempt and pity, but if you could gradually win their sympathy, get them to identify with the narrator until the see that he's a kind of mirror, and then bring them along for realistic personal growth and awareness of the richness, risks and complexity of real-world intimacy, that could be a terrific book.
ETA: Just be sure that the book isn't blatantly about that; it's far more satisfying for the reader if those heavy thematic elements are apparently in the background to an independently viable plot (which could be anything, as long as it brings the narrator out into the world and interacting with people). It'd be great if the reader finished the book having enjoyed the ostensibly main story, only to still have the "B story", the purely emotional and psychological journey, resonate with him weeks later.
Or not; that's just my advice, which is worth what you pay for it. I'm probably not describing this nearly as well as a professional book reviewer would; but I'm just a fellow writer, and not a very skillful critic.
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
Too late for another edit -- if you want Mature Love to be the title, that would be neat (in the novel I'm imagining). It would seem cruelly ironic at first, but halfway through the book the reader would start to hope the narrator's personal story might grow into its title.
Maybe I'm overthinking this; it's your story, Dude. I'll butt out.
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
It's ... good that you lead with this:
Quote:
Originally posted by Truth and Beauty
A story I wrote a few years ago. Let me know what you think! I know it's kind of rough around the edges but I'm thinking of polishing it.
I'm going to address just the first line because it has some lessons regarding where I think you can do better.
Quote:
She was older than what I might normally have thought of as someone I'd engage in sex with
1) You lead with a long and pointless (to the reader you must entice to keep reading) clause. We don't know what your partner's range is, so this doesn't place this partner in any age range, only "Not what I'd normally do."
2) "someone I'd engage in sex with" is, to be blunt, the kind of phrasing used by two kinds of people: nonnative writers and self-conscious writers. If you're uncertain, your text will be, and while there's something to be said for quivering text, the context and plot have to justify it or it's frankly painful to read. Otherwise, get to the fucking point, so to speak.
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She wasn't attractive in the sense of beauty as I'd define it
This also tells us nothing because it is more "she's outside a range I haven't defined yet."
Telling me, the reader, that there's some target X and person Y isn't in it, but isn't necessarily far off, doesn't grab my attention.
Which you still haven't defined.
Quote:
and with respect for herself
Which you A) don't have for her, else you wouldn't have reduced her to things you don't desire, and B) tell us without showing us, so we have no way of knowing what she's like, only older than you liked and ugly for your standards.
Quote:
she maintained what level of beauty she had.
And we're to believe you're going to have this man wanting to do all manner of sticky things to her thinking of her as someone who has some subpar but still tolerable level of sexual attraction?
Your narrator speaks like a slightly overconfident Prufrock with not a hell of a lot of attraction toward anything. If he wants to have sex, he should notice sexual characteristics right off the bat; if he doesn't notice those, why would he be interested? And if this is a recurring character (to which the reader, having already been introduced to the previous text, would be familiar with), then that's something you should let us know in or out of the text.
Quote:
The important thing is, she was as hungry as I told her I was, and we both had food to offer.
If it were the important thing, it would lead the introduction. Important comes first. Trivial, or things that just make the situation less ideal, come second. The exception is when you have a huge pile of suck to climb and you have to detail it so the reader will understand the importance of the climax. As is, ... I don't think this is it.
I'm not trying to be mean, just trying to give you an idea of where my mind goes critically in reading this.
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
My biggest problem is with the dialogue. Even in stroke fiction, I feel character speech has to ring true. I'm not sure yours does. Take, "I so love sucking cock and missed it for so long, thank you for sharing yours with me." This was a follow-up line to her crying out in passion. To me at least that is not believable dialogue.
Or, "I may seem an old school teacher, and I know I'm ugly, and fat, but I also know how much I want to be your cock sucker, and be treated like your submissive, but not abused. I loved your cock, and I'll be your cum drinking whore anytime you want to unload in my mouth." Come on, do you really feel this is believable dialogue? It seems to me stilted and artificial. I appreciate that you are trying to establish a "voice" for this character, but it has to follow with the moment and it has to be a bit more real.
I have much the same feeling about, "Show me baby,,,Suck my cock until it fills your hot, wanting mouth." Personally, I don't feel that anyone really talks that way, especially in the throes of passion. Have you? Really?
Re: Mature Love - Erotica (probably NSFW)
Thanks for all the feedback. I'll keep it in mind for my next effort. I guess my dialogue needs some work. I'll post some more of my efforts to get your critiques. Y'all are the best! :smile:
