Proper Conduct for the Modern Time Lord and Time Lady
The Time Lord civilisation is among the oldest in the Whoniverse, possibly the universe, and certainly one of the most technologically advanced. According to the Kardashev scale, Gallifrey is well above a Type III civilisation. They have mastered time travel, can create black holes on a whim and not only manipulate but police and maintain the laws of physics. TARDISes are like self-contained worlds of their own, capable of going anywhere/anywhen and sustaining any sort of environment internally, and are generally pretty indestructible to anything nature can throw at them.
Which raises the obvious question: why do they all seem to live of Gallifrey, a single planet? They can harness the energy of entire universes and beyond, but they built their cities on a single world? One notion is that they strive for non-interference by isolating themselves to one world, but I have a different theory.
They are culturally stagnant.
Think about it – the Time Lords are technologically advanced but socially backwards. Their fashion reeks of the ‘70s and ‘80s, they are so pompous that even their lower classes are Lords and Ladies, and they consider themselves the masters of all reality (whether or not that’s true). No wonder the Doctor ran for 20th England… it’s the least sophisticated and civilised place in the universe.
But I can prove this theory that they are culturally stagnant. I came across a book in the ruins of Torchwood, one which describes the way proper Gallifreyans are expected to behave. I give to you now, excerpts from the book Proper Conduct for the Modern Time Lord and Time Lady:
Like all bodily functions, Regenerations are not to be referenced in polite company. It is improper conduct to comment if a host has Regenerated since your last encounter; similarly, if you yourself have Regenerated since your last encounter then it is unseemly to display any unique body parts you may have acquired. Under no circumstances should a Time Lord enquire or guess as to the number of Regenerations a Time Lady has undergone, nor should she volunteer this information. If you are in polite company and find yourself unable to prevent a Regeneration, then a well-timed, discreet cough can mask the unfortunate event.
Cutlery placement and usage is vital. Sonic forks go on the left, sonic knives go on the right. Though a Time Lady’s attire should be properly deadlocked, it is inappropriate to ever aim a sonic device at anyone, whether or not the device is active.
When entering a fellow Time Lord’s TARDIS for the first time, it is polite to favourably comment how much bigger it is on the inside. However, comparing the size of your TARDIS to the host’s is highly frowned upon.
Gallifreyans possess a respiratory bypass system. This is to be used as a last resort only when one’s life is threatened, never in the bedroom.
There is a current trend among higher circles of Time Lord society to give pompous, absurd names to mundane tools and locations. This is to be encouraged at all times.
Make sure your Continuity Maintainer of Tartarus is well serviced – while this has the unfortunate effect of leaving one blind to future calamities, one doesn’t want to commit a faux pas such as meeting one’s spouse when he or she does not know you, going to your own parents’ wedding or, worse, becoming your parents’ childhood friend. Please note that while it is theoretically conceivable that one might attend one’s own parents’ marriage without violating the laws of physics, it is not achievable unless said parents first violated the sanctity of the bedroom with extramarital relations.
Sheesh. No wonder they went extinct.
