What counts as a sexual orientation?

The way most of us think of this term is in regards to what gender(s) we're romantically interested in. But of course anyone who has been on the internet for more than 5 minutes knows there are more "lifestyles" (for lack of a better term) than you can shake a stick at. Some people seem pretty invested/grounded/in need of the lifestyle in question. So...what about polyamory? D/s? BSDM? If a person needs* to have a relationship that falls under these banners, is that an orientation, as well? Or, can it be part of the orientation, like, "I'm a hetero sub?"

I'm kind of torn on it. I have kind of a dividing line in my head between "orientations" that simply describe the preferred partner, and "orientations" that bring to mind graphic pictures of bedtime activities. Which...ok, polyamory maybe lies somewhere in the middle of that? So I have a hard time thinking of some of this stuff as true orientations vs. just, you know, preferences or things we like (we all have those, after all).

Any thoughts?

*By "needs" I mean, has to have in order to have a psychologically and sexually satisfying relationship.

In my head, at least orientation refers to your preferred gender(s) for nsfw stuff. So there's straight, bisexual, gay, and lesbian. Anything else, I think would be a kink.

What Sticks said. It's like the orientation is the "Who?" and the kinks can be the "What?" the "When?" the "Where?" or the "How?" All this stuff important in coming up with the "Why?" but it really is separate stuff.

I think orientation is exactly what it sounds like "a direction you are generally oriented to travel in." Human sex itself is a lot more complicated than "male", "female", and "intersexed", because if you think about it for more than a few seconds the whole system starts to unravel.

I think when you get more specific than a general direction it loses its 'orientation' status and becomes 'destination' -- which is kind of the definition of kink, isn't it? A very specific set of things or guidelines that determine a certain kind of sexual provocation. Cuz I say I'm into guys, but they don't have to be a specific color or creed or have nice feet or low hangers or want to electrocute me with tazers while wearing nazi paraphenalia. However, I wouldn't mind a nice librarian who is also a trained pastry chef.


Men is my orientation, pastry chef librarians are my kink!

Your orientation is going to be some form of androphilia, gynephilia, some combination thereof, or a lack of -philia entirely.* Your particular kinks and interests don't fall under orientation for the most part.

I've run into some straight people into BDSM or who are polyamorous who consider themselves "queer" and describe their lifestyle as an orientation, but...eh. If you're going to broaden the definition that far, you're watering it down beyond all reason, IMO.

What you want to do is separate from the gender you want to do it to and it's the latter that orientation describes. Your personal desires don't have to be called an orientation to be valid.

*Some asexuals are aromantic as well and so I'd consider their utter lack of interest in the whole matter to be a valid orientation.

It's fine to talk about kinks and preferred lifestyles but I think it's useful to talk about things just in terms of what type of partner you look for. So I would say gay, straight, bi, and asexual are all "sexual orientations".

Probably pedophilia as well, since that seems to be equally immutable. And I tend to think that being attracted to children is just as different from being attracted to adults as being attracted to women is from being attracted to men. (Because the things that a normal person finds attractive in their preferred gender tend to be secondary sexual characteristics that are totally absent in children.)

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Originally posted by Exy

Probably pedophilia as well, since that seems to be equally immutable. And I tend to think that being attracted to children is just as different from being attracted to adults as being attracted to women is from being attracted to men. (Because the things that a normal person finds attractive in their preferred gender tend to be secondary sexual characteristics that are totally absent in children.)

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Which raises another question: is bestiality an orientation? It would seem, based on the answers put forward in this thread, that it is.

How many other paraphilias would be considered orientations?

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Originally posted by Exy

Probably pedophilia as well, since that seems to be equally immutable. And I tend to think that being attracted to children is just as different from being attracted to adults as being attracted to women is from being attracted to men. (Because the things that a normal person finds attractive in their preferred gender tend to be secondary sexual characteristics that are totally absent in children.)

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Which raises another question: is bestiality an orientation? It would seem, based on the answers put forward in this thread, that it is.

How many other paraphilias would be considered orientations?

See, now, I kind of agree with you guys. On the other hand, I have an acquaintance who is a submissive, and she is very much interested in trying to get society to see her predilection as an orientation. She believes she is "hard-wired" that way, and since she can't find satisfaction in a relationship in which she is not submissive, she thinks there's no reason for it not to be recognized as an orientation.

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Originally posted by Sarahfeena

See, now, I kind of agree with you guys. On the other hand, I have an acquaintance who is a submissive, and she is very much interested in trying to get society to see her predilection as an orientation. She believes she is "hard-wired" that way, and since she can't find satisfaction in a relationship in which she is not submissive, she thinks there's no reason for it not to be recognized as an orientation.

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Well, that's not too different from how things used to be seen before we had a concrete idea of what orientation meant. There was a time (a long time!) when a man who was penetrated was seen as being entirely different from a man who was the penetrator, regardless of the genders of their partners. But as it is now, orientation is used to describe who you're attracted to (men, women, no one, and possibly children and animals as mentioned above) and not what acts you want to engage in with them.

If people want to engage in BDSM and can only get off in that context, then that's the way they're wired, fine, cool. But that isn't a question of "who", it's "what." If I can only have orgasms from having my left earlobe sucked on and this is just how I was born, that isn't my orientation.