We sacrificed ourselves, so you don't have to. (Picture thread of people making weird faces...)

So we're at the grocery store, and OneCentStamp spots a jar of something called "Calorie Free Whipped Peanut Spread, Natural Fresh Roasted Peanut Flavor, Creamy."

...calorie free? Yes, really. The first ingredient is water. The second ingredient is cellulose gum. Then salt, corn starch, xanthan gum, and only THEN, sixth on the list, is "natural fresh roasted peanut flavor." Flavor, you understand, not actual peanuts.

(Also, "creamy"? Is there a "chunky" variety, and if so, does it contain bits of packing peanuts? Packing peanuts, see what I did there? Ahem.)

Well, obviously we had to get it. I mean, it was on sale, only $4 for a 12 ounce jar. I just had to know, you know? I didn't expect to like it, I just couldn't resist finding out what the fuck it tasted like.

(OneCentStamp refused to physically handle it, and insisted that I fetch it from the shelf and put it in the cart.)

It was even worse than I expected. I'd explain, but I think the photos do the job better:

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007cby6

Huh.
http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007dtac

Really, this just isn't right.
http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007e13d

It kind of smells sort of like peanut butter. Ish.
http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007f7x3

Our eight-year-old makes this same face when he has to try pretty much any new food.
http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007gf4c

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007h5sk

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007kyds

If I tried it, everyone else gets to. Come over here and taste this, AndrewRyan.
http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007pe4h

OneCentStamp's turn:
http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007q2e3

It has Splenda, so it tastes like licking a tin spoon that's been stuck in machine oil. It does not taste like anything anyone would identify as food, and I seriously question its inclusion in the foodstuff aisles. While I recognize that this may be as shocking a conclusion as that recent study that found out that people really love their iPhones, we must in good conscience warn the public, or at least the part of it that reads Mellophant.

You're going to feed this to the kids, right? :D

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Originally posted by Zuul

You're going to feed this to the kids, right? :D

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Only because the dogs wont eat it.

We tried! The boy pointed out that he doesn't like peanut butter. I explained, entirely reasonably, that this was not peanut butter. He still declined. I can't think why.

I've eaten all kinds of ill shit in my life; guinea pig, iguana, crickets, bee larvae, bull penis, bull balls, udder, hoof, what have you. I'm not Andrew Zimmern, but I'm pretty adventurous, I think.

The peanut flavored spread artifex bought is the sickest thing I've ever put in my mouth. It was just. So. Wrong. As soon as you put it in your mouth, it dissolves like something-not-food. Like when you accidentally get some hairspray or underarm deodorant in your mouth. All three of us kept saying the same thing: what IS this shit? What is WRONG with these people? I seriously cannot believe it's sold as food. What is the point? If you ate more than a teaspoon of it, I have to believe you would have diarrhea for two days.

It was like four hours ago that I took a tiny bite, and I'm still shuddering.

Just to be fair, that second picture, showing the calorie-free whipped peanut spread in the jar, in all it's manifest unappetizing glory?

It reminded me of a jar of All Natural Peanut butter someone gave me, once. So that look may have been considered a plus by the manufacturer. I mean if you're depraved enough to feed regular peanut butter to yourself or your kids, you're not the market for this calorie-free whipped peanut spread.

Yeah, peanut butter. Wait, that's cleavage.

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Originally posted by artifex

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007cby6

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Hmmm, more cleavage.

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Originally posted by artifex

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007dtac

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Ohhh yeah.

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Originally posted by artifex

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007e13d

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Zoom back in, damnit.

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Originally posted by artifex

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007f7x3

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Who the hell put that jar there?

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Originally posted by artifex

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007gf4c

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007h5sk

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007kyds

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Where did all these ugly, hairy men come from? Damn, this thread has gone down hill fast.

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Originally posted by artifex

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007pe4h

http://pics.livejournal.com/mercy_rain/pic/0007q2e3

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What were we talking about?

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Originally posted by Zweedo Rodriguez

What were we talking about?

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You've posted to an advertisement.

To maintain a meager profit every now and then we'll have beautiful women post about terrible products. Consider it a mellophant version of the 3:30AM infomercial.

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Originally posted by beebs

You've posted to an advertisement.

To maintain a meager profit every now and then we'll have beautiful women post about terrible products. Consider it a mellophant version of the 3:30AM infomercial.

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That's right! Tune in next weekend, as I smear Potted Meat Food Product all over her boobies! :D

Thank you for doing this service for the rest of the community. Taking a bullet for the team indeed.

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Originally posted by OneCentStamp

That's right! Tune in next weekend, as I smear Potted Meat Food Product all over her boobies! :D

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I...I don't know how to feel about this. I've never been so conflicted about boobies before. :(

Here is the website of the company that makes this shit. Their ad copy is totally creepy to me. They keep saying "The Walden Way" like some sort of cult, and it appears eating healthy the Walden Way involves calorie reduction. That's it. No mention of nutrients, fiber, protein, or necessary fats. And they advocate feeding this stuff to your kids! They're like that demon in Good Omens who kills people by gorging them on non-nutritive food, so they starve to death stuffed.

Also, calorie free alfredo sauce might actually make the universe collapse on itself if you opened a jar of it in Italy.

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Originally posted by Zuul

I...I don't know how to feel about this. I've never been so conflicted about boobies before. :(

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You think *you're* conflicted, I'm the one apparently being subjected to having cat food smeared on my special parts! :???:

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Originally posted by artifex

You think *you're* conflicted, I'm the one apparently being subjected to having cat food smeared on my special parts! :???:

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It's not cat food! :Shake:

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Originally posted by Zuul

I...I don't know how to feel about this. I've never been so conflicted about boobies before. :(

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I know! I'm going to have to be extra careful to not get it into the piercings. :sci:

:wth:

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Originally posted by OneCentStamp

Here is the website of the company that makes this shit. Their ad copy is totally creepy to me.

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After I noticed this thread last night, I did a Google search for the phrase "Calorie Free Whipped Peanut Spread." I came across more than one site extolling the virtues of this stuff.

From this Calorie Counting site I found this comment:

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I ordered it, I tried it, I liked it, I ordered 2 more jars.

BUT ... it's NOT peanut butter.

It's peanutbuttery-tasting, sure, with the consistency of whipped cream ... but on a toasted english muffin with some Walden Farms grape spread ... it's a delightful way of adding taste and flavor without adding any calories or carbs.

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And while I get the benefit of reducing calories, I also think that there's a point where it's worth asking oneself whether this or that specific item is worth eating if it's only going to be allowed in a less-than satisfying ersatz manner?

Then, too, there's something surreal about talking about avoiding added carbs when talking about eating an english muffin.

It's possible for this stuff to be used as part of a properly coordinated diet, or better still, a properly coordinated nutrition program - but it seems to me that the way this is being promoted is to encourage greater food intake. :(

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Originally posted by OtakuLoki

And while I get the benefit of reducing calories, I also think that there's a point where it's worth asking oneself whether this or that specific item is worth eating if it's only going to be allowed in a less-than satisfying ersatz manner?

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See, I've dieted, and I've done the careful suspension of disbelief when eating diet ice cream, I put Equal in stuff, I've even tried reduced-fat cheese (which even Cabot couldn't manage to make very well, but I went along with it). Right now I'm having coffee with almond milk that's only 40 calories for a full cup. I totally get the drive to cut caloric corners with fakery in an effort to enjoy life a little while dieting. But this stuff was just beyond the pale, seriously. It was SO bad. The only peanut buttery aspect was the smell, it did NOT taste like peanuts at all. If it did, if the only thing really off was the fact that it does indeed have the texture of Cool Whip, I would be all over that action, because I'm not above the fake food thing. (When I read Good Omens, I thought that whole synthetic thing sounded like kind of a cool idea, provided the synthesis was reasonably convincing...clearly, we have a way to go on that.)

If we find something else gross and weird for you to eat, will you do it? Pleeeeaaaaaaase?

You've really been missing Steve from the Sneeze, haven't you?

yes :(

I don't know whether it's awesome I could recognize the jonesing in a fellow sufferer... or frightening.

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Originally posted by Nrblex

If we find something else gross and weird for you to eat, will you do it? Pleeeeaaaaaaase?

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Did you think I was joking about the potted meat? :smug:

Sure, fire away with suggestions! It has to be available in a grocery store or ethnic food market.

In no particular order:

Canned snails
Live octopus
a pound of blue cheese consumed in under 20 minutes
Coors Light
Tripe
Head cheese

Canned snails: I'll look.

Live octopus: I've done raw, but live would be difficult. Having been to all of them, I don't think any of Houston's sushi joints offer it.

a pound of blue cheese consumed in under 20 minutes: I would do this for sheer pleasure if you're buying the cheese. artifex would probably make me sleep outdoors for a week, though.

Coors Light: Never, you fucking sicko. :Shake:

Tripe: Done, more times than I can count.

Head cheese: I would love to if I could find any.

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Originally posted by OneCentStamp

I would do this for sheer pleasure if you're buying the cheese. artifex would probably make me sleep outdoors for a week, though.

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"Probably"? Do it now, before it gets too hot at night ;)

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Originally posted by OneCentStamp

Head cheese: I would love to if I could find any.

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They have it in the deli at the good HEB :lol:

How do you serve it, though? I find myself assuming that you would have to put it on a plate that looks like this, because normal foods would rebel at being served with it.

Head cheese is normally consumed with a splash of vinegar and eaten in hunks or on crackers or bread. Seriously.

I really don't see how something called head cheese could be anything but great: it's a portmanteau of two of the top five things on my holiday gift list each year.

It's actually a portmanteau of "Dick head sweat" and "Dick cheese", because that's what it tastes like. Imagine chunky, tangible body odor. That's almost exactly what it is. It's the smell of cooking chitlins in some ghastly solidified form.

And it's not really cheese, it's congealed organ meats in aspic. You know how in those old daguerreotype photographs where everyone looks grim and angry? It's because they ate shit like head cheese.

This may be my favorite thread ever. In appreciation, I made a word cloud out of it.

I think it's interesting that three biggest words in there are "peanut" "like" "cheese."

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Originally posted by artifex

You think *you're* conflicted, I'm the one apparently being subjected to having cat food smeared on my special parts! :???:

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I think it's Spam, not cat food, but I think it's against the Geneva Convention.

Nice pics, btw. You 2 are cute when you're trying disgusting new things!

<shudders>