What non-fantasy-series characters would do best against Buffyverse vamps?

For purposes of this thread, science fiction counts as fantasy, and so do comic books; I also think we should restrict ourselves to action/mystery/detective series. It's obvious that neither Superman nor Odo is going to be bothered by a Buffyverse vamp, while Roseanne Connor and Michael Steadman are both toast. Also, let's assume that the characters do not know that vampires are real before they're set upon by Spike or Drusilla.

Would get killed in short order:
Monk, Natalie, and their two police buddies. Monk's only chance of survival is the possibility that the vamps in question would be so irritated by him that they'd decide even killing him would involve spending more time in his presence than it was worth. Natalie probably gets or turned. The captain & Randy are as dead as Roseanne.

Fifty-fifty chance of survival:
Gibbs, from NCIS. But not his team. Ducky, Palmer, & McGee get killed quickly, as does Tony; the instant Ziva thinks the latter is dead, she'll go into berserker mode. If it's Spike she's fighting, she might impress him enough so that he'll turn her. Gibbs might make it through; he's tough and very pragmatic; if he doesn't killed immediately, he may well figure out what's up and manage to escape.

Owns the vampires:
Jack Bauer, obviously.

I'm not sure what happens with Chuck Norris.

Detective Elliot Stabler, from Law and Order: SVU.

He's been looking for something to kill for a long time.

I can't believe I'm jumping into the deep end of the nerdpool like this. :smack ;)

I think Dexter would probably handle himself pretty well. At the very least, he wouldn't freak out, and he'd be tough to take down.

Michael Westen and Fiona Glenanne (of Burn Notice fame) would not only survive against the vampires, they'd save most of the population of Miami (or Sunnydale). I'm sure, upon finding out that vampires exist, Fi would be itching to rig up some kind of anti-vamp weapon. Then would come the explosions.

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Originally posted by AndrewRyan

Detective Elliot Stabler, from Law and Order: SVU.

He's been looking for something to kill for a long time.

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I think both Stabler & Benson do well--but only if the other one is absent. They're a good investigative team (by the show's silly rules), but they inhibit one another in any sort of combat situation, as neither is willing to let the other one die no matter what.

Charlie Crews from Life could pull some dirty prison fighting moves and jam a stake into the heart of any vamp.

The Big Bang Theory Gang. They have the know how and all the basic ideas needed for Vampire hunting and protection and the ability to create helpful gadgets. I mean they are super-geeks that play D&D and are fans of Buffy. Meanwhile Penny is a crack shot.

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Originally posted by OneCentStamp

I can't believe I'm jumping into the deep end of the nerdpool like this. :smack ;)

I think Dexter would probably handle himself pretty well. At the very least, he wouldn't freak out, and he'd be tough to take down.

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Oh yeah, I think Dexter would have an edge. Since he's not rattled easily and always does his research, he'd have good odds.

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Originally posted by Revs

Charlie Crews from Life could pull some dirty prison fighting moves and jam a stake into the heart of any vamp.

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At last, a real world application for all that shank making!

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Originally posted by What Exit?

The Big Bang Theory Gang. They have the know how and all the basic ideas needed for Vampire hunting and protection and the ability to create helpful gadgets. I mean they are super-geeks that play D&D and are fans of Buffy. Meanwhile Penny is a crack shot.

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All I know about the Big Bang Theory is...

okay, I don't actually know anything about it. But Wikipedia says it is a sitcom, and the young blond girl looks familiar. Anyway, do they have the moxie to fight? Also, is Penny a crack shot with a BOW? Because shooting a Buffyverse vampire with a handgun is worse than doing nothing.

Marsilia is right about Mike & Fiona (and presumably Sam). One of them would likely get killed in the initial encounter, though, because they would not believe they were fighting vampires until fangs were shown and blood drained. The other two would escape and then dust every damn vampire in the nest.

Unless Fiona were the one bitten. If she got turned rather than killed, Mike & Sam lose the rematch.

The entire cast of Grey's Anatomy would die horribly, and it would be too delicious for television. I would pay $15 to see this in IMAX 3-D. Actually, I would pay $30: fifteen for me and fifteen for an extra empty seat in front of me to put my feet up on.

Is Next Gen fantasy? Because Worf would kick ass.

He would. Klingon > Vampire every time.

FTW

Al Swearengen could suss out the situation, and his knife skills would get their heads off and into a box for him to talk to.

I'd like to pit the cast of Coronation Street and Eastenders against vampires. Not because I think they'd fare well*, but because it would make great tv.


* Although Dot Cotton would scare the shit out of all but the hardiest vampire.

http://www.readmyday.co.uk/pub/readm...8833-800wi.jpg

http://rickthegreat.files.wordpress....icture-hot.jpg

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Originally posted by Oliveloaf

Is Next General fantasy? Because Worf would kick ass.

He would. Klingon > Vampire every time.

FTW

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I'm counting sci fi as fantasy, though I'll make an exception for Firefly. Even if I didn't, any NextGen away team--even one consisting of Troi, Crusher, and Wesley--wins out again Buffyverse vampires; and if they didn't, well, Worf, Data, & Riker are down five minutes later with phasers set on "VENGEANCE!"

Sipowicz would kick any vamp's ass.

I'd think that Ben Matlock would do well, if only because he doesn't have any liquid blood.

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Originally posted by Oliveloaf

Sipowicz would kick any vamp's ass.

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And make them confess to hundreds of years worth of murders.

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Originally posted by Skald the Rhymer

All I know about the Big Bang Theory is...

okay, I don't actually know anything about it. But Wikipedia says it is a sitcom, and the young blond girl looks familiar. Anyway, do they have the moxie to fight? Also, is Penny a crack shot with a BOW? Because shooting a Buffyverse vampire with a handgun is worse than doing nothing.

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Well the 4 geeky friends are geekier than us and into every form of geekdom I can think of. We know from one show they are big fans of Whedon. I think they have the will to fight as the central character convinced the others to face a great horror one episode by appealing to them about how Merry, Pippin and Sam helped Frodo and they went for it.

Penny mentioned she is a crack shot and good with a knife. I don't know about bow, but she would have the 4 geeks to instruct her and a crossbow is pretty easy to use for someone skilled with rifles and shotguns AFAIK.

BTW: I think you might really enjoy Big Bang Theory, more than anything they are 3 scientists and an engineer that are huge comic books fans.

Holy Shit!

I forgot: Jim Rockford!

In order for our non-fantasy team to survive they'd have to be

a) quick on the uptake
b) willing to consider unconventional theories
c) capable of either rapid research or rapid engineering. Or both.

or

d) somehow invulnerable. Which seems like it would be a contradiction with the non-fantasy part of this.


Sherlock Holmes and Watson seem like they'd do fairly well. There's the chance that either could be killed in the initial attack, but once that's passed both would be pretty formidable opponents. Give them a 75% or more chance.

What might be interesting would be to see whether Father Dowling and Sister Steve could survive. I'd give them low odds, just because I don't think either would be quite willing to jump to the conclusions necessary to truly go on a proper offensive. Having said that, both of them would be extremely difficult defensive players. Call it about a 25% chance, but it would definitely be a three act show, with the question open right til the curtain falls.

Similarly, I think Constable Fraser from Due South could be another surprisingly difficult target. Among other things, I imagine he'd be inventive enough to consider trying to make some ironwood bullets. And he's always been willing to embrace unconventional conclusions.

Finally, I'm trying to decide whether Hannibal Smith of the A-Team* would have been able to make the right judgments. Overall, I'm not thinking it's too rosy. If their mission brief had the possibility of vampires, then they'd have a chance - without that, I think Hannibal is just too much the realist to be open to the idea. Similarly the team's tendency to split into action units that didn't always coordinate well would lead to defeat in detail.






*Yes, I know it's a pure fantasy show, but it's not that kind of fantasy.

Stepping outside detective/action series, I think any of the crab fishermen from "The Deadliest Catch" could cut up a vampire and use him for bait.

http://www.joblo.com/newsimages1/wwjesse.jpghttp://blog.rifftrax.com/wp-content/...y_predator.jpghttp://img51.imageshack.us/img51/1295/predatornw.jpghttp://img51.imageshack.us/img51/3250/predatorgr.jpg

http://www.thesimpsonstv.net/images/...-postcard1.jpg

With the exception of hatesfreedom's nominees, I think Angelus or Spike pre-chip would slaughter everybody mentioned in this thread. Angelus would probably turn Dexter because he'd appreciate the man's obvious genius, and also Dexter is attractive enough to join Angelus' little family. Also, Angelus would love to play games with all the other smart people listed before he'd track down their families, rape them all to death, turn the most beloved, and leave the remains for his prey to find. Spike wouldn't have the patience for any big plans or games, but he's faster and stronger than all the humans listed, plus he'd have the element of surprise on his side (since they wouldn't even know that vampires existed). If Drusilla or Darla are involved, then anybody who might have been able to outsmart Angelus or outrun Spike would be toast. Darla is the smartest of the main four, and they're both stunning beauties. Between Darla's brains and looks, and Drusilla's psychic abilities and her thrall, they could take out the rest.

Angelus vs Al Swearengen would be interesting at first. If Angelus showed up in Deadwood, Al would obviously take an immediate interest in him. The problem is that Al would treat him like he'd treat any other human. He outsmarts and cons who he can, but he can't outsmart Angelus and he can't con him either. Because in order to be manipulated, you have to want something. Everybody in Deadwood could fall prey to Al because they all had regular human lusts and desires and greed. I think Al would hold is own if it came down to an armed fight, but Al wouldn't have a wooden stake on hand, and he wouldn't have the strength to decapitate Angelus with a blade. Angelus wouldn't even drink from him. He'd snap his neck.

Sherlock Holmes would be able to out think Spike, he wouldn't fall prey to Drusilla's thrall, and Darla wouldn't turn his head. I think Angelus would rope him into a mind game, and Holmes might even get the upper hand a few times. But Holmes is good at explaining and predicting human behavior. The problem is, as it was with Al, that with few exceptions, Angelus never behaved like a human. I'm not convinced Holmes would be able to stay one step ahead of Angelus.

Now if you're talking about freshly made vamps who just crawled out of the grave, well Xander Harris could stake them, so I'd expect nearly everybody else mentioned in the thread should be able to hold their own.

http://images.absoluteanime.com/prince_planet/index.jpg

OMG, is that Prince Planet?! <3

After discussing this in great depth with my sister, I nominate Brisco County Jr from The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. I was going to nominate Ash from the Evil Dead movies, but those probably count as fantasy. But Brisco County is very, very clever. He's quick on the draw (though he doesn't like to use his gun), he's very willing and eager to think outside the box (so if he does try to shoot and it doesn't kill Angelus he wouldn't try a second time). He's got Lord Bowler on his side, who is also very clever and capable of thinking outside the box. They both adapt easily and quickly to new situations, and they wouldn't get in their own way. Now, Brisco does have a weakness when it comes to beautiful women, and he especially likes the bad girls, so Darla would probably turn his head a bit, but I don't think he'd be completely distracted.

Anybody who has to build a weapon/get explosives/plan ahead at all to kill Angelus, will die. In S2 of Buffy he didn't kill her because he wanted to toy with her. He wouldn't give random people time to prepare to fight him.

Also, no character that is in a CBS or USA drama could kill a vampire. Especially Angelus, Spike, Darla, or Dru.

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Originally posted by Sarahfeena

OMG, is that Prince Planet?! <3

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Yup. The kid and I are enjoying a bootleg box set.

Feels much like Speed Racer.

Greg House would do fine up against Buffy, I think, but then, I never watched Buffy....


What about Buffy and Jody from Family Affair? Or the Brady Bunch? I bet the BB would make Buffy et al gag on the treacle and they'd suffocate on their own spit.

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Originally posted by Marsilia

Michael Westen and Fiona Glenanne (of Burn Notice fame) would not only survive against the vampires, they'd save most of the population of Miami (or Sunnydale). I'm sure, upon finding out that vampires exist, Fi would be itching to rig up some kind of anti-vamp weapon. Then would come the explosions.

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I came here to say this as well.

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Originally posted by eleanorigby

Greg House would do fine up against Buffy, I think, but then, I never watched Buffy....

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House would figure out that they are vamps before they get through half his teem. And then we get to see the sharp end of his cane because now he has to hire a new team, again.:hist:

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Originally posted by Glazer

House would figure out that they are vamps before they get through half his teem. And then we get to see the sharp end of his cane because now he has to hire a new team, again.:hist:

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You grossly overestimate his speed. He would wait until every last member of his team was dead and then, on the verge of being eaten himself, he'd suddenly realize that you can wipe out vampires with the MRI of Doom.

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Originally posted by Zuul

You grossly overestimate his speed. He would wait until every last member of his team was dead and then, on the verge of being eaten himself, he'd suddenly realize that you can wipe out vampires with the MRI of Doom.

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Or just cure the vampire with a single pill at the end of the show.

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Originally posted by Glazer

Or just cure the vampire with a single pill at the end of the show.

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"Of course, the signs were all there, all we need to do is give him 30cc's of Thorazine Beta and then expose him to UV light for 30 minutes and he will recover."

For those of you who recall the heyday of Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom with Marlin Perkins, and his assistant, Jim, I want to suggest Jim Fowler. We're talking about a man who regularly wrestled the most daunting creatures in the wild while Marlin would calmly make some joke about how Jim was supposed to be feeding the bear his hat. Jim Fowler is still alive and kicking - and after all the punishment he's taken from the natural world, I refuse to believe that the supernatural world will be able to do any better.

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Originally posted by pepperlandgirl

With the exception of hatesfreedom's nominees, I think Angelus or Spike pre-chip would slaughter everybody mentioned in this thread. Angelus would probably turn Dexter because he'd appreciate the man's obvious genius, and also Dexter is attractive enough to join Angelus' little family. Also, Angelus would love to play games with all the other smart people listed before he'd track down their families, rape them all to death, turn the most beloved, and leave the remains for his prey to find.

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Pep, I love you. You know this. So take this in the spirit of friendship, camaraderie, and all that crap:

You are fucking insane if you think Angelus is a match for Leroy Jethro Gibbs. My cite: the fact that he is LEROY JETHRO GIBBS.

I agree that Angelus and his minions slaughter the rest of the NCIS team. Ducky gets turned, and so, probably, does Ziva; McGee, DiNozzo, and Palmer are all lunch. Angelus decides that Gibbs is too interesting a potential opponent to kill right away, so he spares him. Abby never goes to crime scenes, so she misses the initial bloodbath, and she is too savvy to let ever invite anyone into her house again. But that doesn't help. Angelus gets at her through the nuns, and when he's done raping her to death, he leaves her defiled body on Gibbs' lawn.

That, obviously, is the single worst mistake of Angelus' unlife. Vance comes upon Gibbs as the latter is gearing up for a suicidal vengeance, opens his mouth to try to dissuade him, then remembers who he's talking to and doesn't bother.

You know what really stuns me?

There are places on the Net geekier than this.

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Originally posted by gigglesthebloody

Anybody who has to build a weapon/get explosives/plan ahead at all to kill Angelus, will die. In S2 of Buffy he didn't kill her because he wanted to toy with her. He wouldn't give random people time to prepare to fight him.

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He toyed way too long with Holtz.

Hmm,

I'll throw in Brother Cadfael, a man of true faith who knows how to wield a broadsword.

Spike and Angel wouldn't be able to go near him. Of course, he would track them down once they started murdering people and stop them.

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Originally posted by CatInASuit

Hmm,

I'll throw in Brother Cadfael, a man of true faith who knows how to wield a broadsword.

Spike and Angel wouldn't be able to go near him. Of course, he would track them down once they started murdering people and stop them.

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Why wouldn't they be able to go near him? Buffyverse vamps have no special problems with clergy, though church BUILDINGS make them uncomfortable. And they can get past that if they wish. And even if Cadfael's vestments are covered with crosses, Angelus & Spike are both badass enough to attack him just to prove they can.

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Originally posted by Skald the Rhymer

Why wouldn't they be able to go near him? Buffyverse vamps have no special problems with clergy, though church BUILDINGS make them uncomfortable. And they can get past that if they wish. And even if Cadfael's vestments are covered with crosses, Angelus & Spike are both badass enough to attack him just to prove they can.

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Also, Spike isn't scared of crosses (a trait he shares with the Master, strangely enough). In S5, he picked up a giant cross and slammed it into Angel's face, not to mention the time he draped himself over one in S7. I think Angelus is a bit of a masochist, so the crosses probably wouldn't deter him either, though Angel tends to be skittish around them.

Crosses do hold off and burn vampires in the early series of BtVS. They may not be scared of them, but they still burn and cause pain. Spike and the Master having the will to keep going through it. Angelus is affected by crosses, Angel does begins to get over it.

Cadfael also has plenty of access to Holy Water which is always nasty to vampires.

If they manage to get past that, well, that's where the broadsword comes in.

http://www.kerbev.com/affiliatesales...cken-dance.jpg
Fueled by alcohol and arrogance a chicken dance breaks out with the Blueth family and
vampires drop right the fuck over dead. Nobody knows why, George-Michael and Maeby
finally hook up and its weird.

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Originally posted by CatInASuit

Crosses do hold off and burn vampires in the early series of BtVS. They may not be scared of them, but they still burn and cause pain. Spike and the Master having the will to keep going through it. Angelus is affected by crosses, Angel does begins to get over it.

Cadfael also has plenty of access to Holy Water which is always nasty to vampires.

If they manage to get past that, well, that's where the broadsword comes in.

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My point was that crosses hurt vamps, but not all that badly; not remotely as much as sunlight. They're painful but not lethal, or even debilitating. If the vamp is already pissed at you, or is Spike or Angelus, it's no better than shooting him with a handgun.

My team would be Lois, Reese, Francis and Ida from Malcolm in The Middle. Lavernia and Piama would be my alternates.

Unbeatable.

Phoebe and Monica from Friends would kick ass too!

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Originally posted by Skald the Rhymer

My point was that crosses hurt vamps, but not all that badly; not remotely as much as sunlight. They're painful but not lethal, or even debilitating. If the vamp is already pissed at you, or is Spike or Angelus, it's no better than shooting him with a handgun.

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Sorry, but crosses will stop a vampire from getting to you in the first place if presented.

Then again, its not consistenly covered in the Buffyverse and the canon on it is a little fuzzy at times.