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Thread: Questions you need the answer to.

  1. #1001
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Actually I have a pretty straightforward question for once:

    I'd like to structure my mother and father's accounts in a way that is favorable for all concerned. No, they're not dead, but give them twenty years and they might surprise you.

    Yes, I know how to do arithmetic. My BIL is a top gun engineer. So, we've got that covered.

    My question: How do I find a motherfucking accountant for hire who isn't just, "Oh, well, we all use Jimmy, since he and Martha were together back a bit while."? Motherfuck. This is some deep tendrills and shite, Fuck. Last people I want nosing around is some chippie who sees an end in it for herself.

    Bottom line: How do I find a CHEAP and GOOD accountant?

    Tentative answer: contact a childhood friend who became a lawyer. Or aother childhood friend who inspects properties for some county.

    Yeah, but I thought I'd give you all a head start.

  2. #1002
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    QUESTION ABOUT FEET:

    I wonder if anyone can give me a beginner's guide to orthotics. My feet are all fucked up.

    So, I had the posterior tibial tendonitis a while back. Rigorous application of kinesio tape/athletic tape, as much rest as I could give it, and about 2400 mg quod diem of ibuprofen. Cured.

    Recently, sprained my ankle. Instead of tape, I used a confusing soft ankle brace with all kinds of crazy velcro straps. Ditto elevated rest, and as ever, my beloved ibuprofen. I think it's more or less fixed after three weeks or so.

    So, still back to my bugbear, namely, extreme, crippling pain in the heels of the feet.

    I think the obvious first step are some kind of gel inserts for the heels, just inside the shoes.

    BUT, what I noticed from the ankle (fracture? sprain? strain? fuck if I know) and the tendonitis is just how much support around the arches of the feet is...well, sort of symbiotic with the more obvious spots of concern. I don't think I need to turn the foot even moderately with KT tape, but honestly, I'm not going to figure out how to find a physical therapist or get a referral to a podiatrist.

    Quick question: inserts? Good ones out there, they exist? What's the deal with all this foot stuff, anyway? [/seinfeld]

  3. #1003
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, I'm not really sure where to start.

    It's not really a real question, and certainly not a legal question.

    But is this a good way to do a CC'ed convo with a property manager?

    "'ll be available from xxxx to yyyy on zz-aar-bbbb

    If you cannot deliver your contracted goods, you can explain your
    failure to the owner of the unit.

    I find any less tractable relationship untentenable, and I expect an
    explanation, in writing, why my client laundry services have been
    rendered inoperable by your company.

    And how your company expects to recompense me.

    This is not a request. This is a formal complaint, and an informal
    summons of your accounts, and if any compensation is to be accorded,
    in what amount.

    With best wishes blahblah"
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 24 Apr 2020 at 09:53 AM. Reason: addded quotes

  4. #1004
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, well, we can close the file on that one.

    Apparently the county sheriffs get summoned to one's domicile if one says such things and more via e-mail.

    Although the supreme court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

    I'm just going to stay here and drink my coffee.

    Just enjoying my coffee.

    FUCK! What a little bitch! Just because I said in an e-mail that .....

    Just enjoying my coffee.

  5. #1005
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    On further review, I find that the tenant, xxx x xxxxxxxxxx xx requested in plain language why he was denied an interview for an insuperable, intolerable, burdensome document verification, upon the very hour he requested.

    The complainaint refuses to accept random communication from an unknown agent, first name "Bxxxxx," and who was the apparent agent of an unpurposeful call to an overburdened law enforcement agency,, while all written records show no motion was offfered by the plaintiff, in written words or in person, since no contact was made in persona.

    The plaintiff requests that she and her associate "Bxxxxx" be issued a warrant to appear before the Wxxxxxxxxx County courthouse on the misdemeanor charges of harassment, menacing, and before the court. Separate civil complaints may reflect the cost of overburdening an overworked enforcement agency and would be refunded to the agency.

    The accused also subpoenas the respondent officer of the Wxxxxxxxxxxx County Sheriff's Department.

    Jxxxxx or "Bxxxxx": you are in very deep shit. It was your problem, but now it's my problem. Fortunately, I have attorneys. I hope your company finds you well staffed.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 24 Apr 2020 at 06:31 PM.

  6. #1006
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Yeah, I'm a shitty lawyer, probably. but I'm pretty good at making up a bunch of bullshit on the spot.

    No. Obviously I have no legal training at all, not like lawyer training and shit.

    I could probably convince some corn-shucking Sears-Roebucking judge to go for that. Maybe.

    It wouldn't be legal, maybe, but I bet I could convince some Arnold-fucking cretin to go for that shit.

  7. #1007
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, and post 1003 was an actual extract.

    Not it's still not a real question, but just wished to clear up any confusion.

    I'm done with that whole thing. I was asleep when the county sheriff slipped his card under the door. And this is just the property manager and her "assistant"/boyfriend named Bubba or something I'm dealing with. Not important people. The current property manager is a cunt royal who spends recklessly the HOA's reserves, and is also just a bitch.

    No judge on the planet is going to adjudicate in favor of some unknown manager against some cunt who thinks someone who says in e-mail that "if I see any unknown prowlers about my property, they should know I have a Mossberg 500 loaded with slugs and #00 and protect my domicile."

    //////////////////////

    REAL QUESTION: tactical nylon belt, or heavy Timberland leather belt for general use, with the option of holding an outside-waistband holster with a heavy-ish revolver or pistol, or at minimum an ASP collapsible baton?
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 30 Apr 2020 at 11:48 AM.

  8. #1008
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    I'm not asking for legal advice, not that I would trust any of you boobs.

    But it is a question that I'd like to hear non-professional, laypersons' opinions about.

    If a county sherriff were to have responsed to a noise complaint, and wrote a citation at 1838, for "first offense," and I understand I believe his checking the box "no culpable mental state" is not necessarily relevelant, and if the presumptive fine is 255 USD, which is a considerable amount to me. (ETA, if it makes it clearer, I withdrew with the temporarily 'no penalty fee" from my 401K to cover the fine, because I do not wish the prize of a bench warrant awarded me).

    I suspect that were I to plead "not guilty," and attend the given court date in my usual clean-cut, well-spoken, non-party animal persona, and explained to the judge that I was practicing music at my piano keyboard, and did not realize the noise was unacceptable at that hour, she would well waive the fine, or reduce it.

    OTOH, she might increase the fine to the maximum, if she sensed I were trying to claim ignorance of local ordinances, which apparently triumph over the more broad statues of a "quiet time" between 2200 and 0700.

    Or, I could just pay the fine.

    Or, I could try to bargain with the county clerk and see if I plead no contest the fine might be reduced, by, say, half, which it sometimes is in different circumstances.

    What would you do?
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 10 Jun 2020 at 07:31 PM.

  9. #1009
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    If Febreze masks odors, what masks Febreze's odor?

    I mean, it's barely better than spraying or splashing cologne or aftershave on one's crotch.

    Who shall febreze the febreze?

  10. #1010
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Well, this isn't a question so much as hypothetical question.

    Shit.

    I didn't even bathe since start of shift last week. No, my shits smell terrible, just like everybody else's. I clean myself, like I would hope most able peope would with facilties.

    Fuck.

    I think I'm going to have to say, enough, and fuck it, I can't go around being like Nick Nolte's mugshot.

  11. #1011
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Answer: Get a fucking haircut, boy, because it looked like a rat's nest.

    Dee Dee was her name, and while English speaking wasn't her game, cutting hair was. She take care everything.

  12. #1012
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Here's a good one that doesn't have an easy, one-size-fits-all answer.

    For some reason I've been on a conversational tangent with an EU national who insists that it is a mere matter of (i) exploiting the travel limits of a US passport holder and (ii) "just a matter of paperwork" before one becomes a commonwealth subject with the ability to work and reside in Canada.

    I cannot possibly understand where she gets her information, but IME it is one of the more Herculean tasks for a US citizen to work and live in Canada.

    My question: where would somebody possibly get the idea that Canada routinely gives a meaningful path to citizenship to random travellers? And follow-up, how can I just cite one thing and shut her up? It is, admittedly, a common-law nation, as in the EU and the US, but surely this is not unreasonable.

    Constantly, she's bleating in my ear about how easy it is for a US citizen to live and work in Canada.

    This is obviously not true. It's an extremely strict test for any work visa.

    So, my question is, does there exist either provincial or federal statute that I can cite?

  13. #1013
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Goddammit.

    I guess Firefox's new "Quantum" release still doesn't support saving webpages as mht/mhtml.

    So, in the course of migrating a few machines, I'm still going to have to fall back on Firefox-ESR, version 56 or something, and just call firefox.bin every time I fire up the browser.

    What a piece of shit.

    It's also even more inept at releasing memory than the older releases, if possible. It's like leak city.

    I guess a masochist would grab the source code files and run it through valgrind. As though it were possible to fix.

    I suppose I could write my own extension for Quantum to save as mht, likely copying the technique from the older extension "unMHT."

    Question?

    I don't have no stinking question. I don't need no question.

    WTF? That's my question.

  14. #1014
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    All right. Here's a real question that I really would like to know the answer to.

    What's the deal with airplane food "Christmas" music being played through Advent?

    I understand that some of the charismatic sects don't observe the liturgical calendar of the Church, and many of them don't observe any liturgical seasons.

    So, of course, I find it annoying: I'm just a curmudgeon, and also a somewhat decent musician, so it offends me on a few levels.

    But it destroys the season of Advent for me, and perhaps others.

    I understand the commercial point of view, so I don't necessarily blame the grocery store programmers or whatever, but still, I really want to know what the fucking deal is that people run ripshod over Advent, and shorten the actual Christmas season....

    Did someone tell them to think this way, or is it just sua sponte idiocy?

  15. #1015
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Here's a kind of moral, ethical, or maybe even legal question.

    Not very serious.

    So, I met my parents for a brunch at a local park on Xmas day. Of course I had my "Order of the Mass" book in Latin, but they weren't having any of that. But I did have my contribution of a set of three Jameson mini-bottles, in regular, IPA-cask-aged, and Stout-cask-aged, and they agreed that was fine.

    Anyway, on the way home, I was still thirsty, so I detoured through the hills to this little convenience store to get a few beers and some cigarettes on the way home.

    This kind of miserable-looking woman was by the door. So I say "Nice weather, huh?" (it was about 36 °F and raining) she mumbles something about "Just trying to get into Portland."

    Go inside, do the thing, get my shit, guy at the counter asked "She didn't ask you for money or anything?" Me: "No, she didn't bother me."

    Getting back in the car, I had an idea that it might be kind of cool to leave a 24 oz. can of 10% ABV "beer" on the curb, you know, in case she wanted a little pick-me-up.

    I'm not sure that was the best idea.

    But I'm not sure it wasn't an OK move. You know. The intention was good, anyway.

    Maybe that might be littering, or some kind of minor crime. I really doubt my culpability on that front, or at least nobody reasonable among authority figures would care.

    What's the right answer?

  16. #1016
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    Ehh, probably even the meanest cop would just say “Pick that up.” And maybe you made her day a little bit better.

    Merry Christmas to all.

  17. #1017
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    I tell ya, in my building there's nothing but robbers. Every time I close a window I hit somebody's hands! Rough neighborhood, I tell ya!

    Meh, somebody probably got a free beer, but I doubt it was the lady. I'm telling ya, the other night I was at a Chinese restauarant, I opened the fortune cookie and in it was the bill for the other table, so I say to the other table and say, "I got your check," and he says, "Thanks!" I get no respect, I'm telling ya.

    na ziemi pokój ludziom dobrej woli
    (==in terra pax hominibus bonae uoluntatis)

  18. #1018
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    QUESTION

    It's probably a good, non-actionable idea to acknowledge one of several neighbors, should they be foolish enough to initiate verbal contact, with the phrase "Hi there, cow!"

    The term "Karen" is kind of played out, so it's between "cow" and "piggy." I don't rule out "Whaddup, cunt?" But that may be interpreted as "fighting words," so I stay mild.

    Need answer fast.

  19. #1019
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    QUESTION

    I only had about nine beers last evening (and therefore sort of wasted one of my two days per week I allow myself to imbibe, instead of using it on a bottle of Kilbeggan Single Grain), but apparently my tolerance is not very good.

    So I wake up, have some coffee, and I find that I had taken off two books by the French writer Gilles Deleuze from the shelf and stacked them on the table. The English translations of *The Logic of Sense* and Deleuze's larger book on Spinoza (I believe that was one of his two dissertations required to be published for a doctorate in the French system).

    Why?

    Was I intending to read through them before going to sleep?

    Was I trying to see if there was a mouse on the bookshelf?

    It is a mystery.

  20. #1020
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    All right, here's a motherfucking QUESTION that is burning my ass.

    What movie or TV show had the line where a gunfighter-type reads above the bar a sign and pronounces the line "No risqué women" as "No ris-cue women"?

    It's really difficult to Bing the results.

    I don't think it was Robert Redford or Paul Newman, but it might have been in one of the Alias Smith and Jones, where I guess Ben Murphy would have had the line.

    And, no, no references to Virginia Woolf, "What a dump! Who said that?"

    It's a very serious question.

    ETA FUCK!!!! Was it Dirty Mary Crazy Larry? Shit. I think that might be it: whatisface, the Fonda kid jesting at supercrotch.....

    Not entirely sure.....don't want to see the movie for the thousandth time....but will verify.

    EETA SOLVED!!!! bitches!

    Whatsisface, Peter Fonda, "No spitting, no swearing, no ris-kew women. Well, that just about covers your act, Mary" when the trio get to the tavern.

    No, it wasn't little miss Alice Faye.

    Peter Fonda to Susan George.

    That was bothering me for about two hours.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 20 Mar 2021 at 01:59 PM. Reason: SOLVED!!!

  21. #1021
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    This is not meant to sound like a humblebrag or whatever, but it's, to me, a kind of serious ethical question.

    So, I was just chilling yesterday and met up with a "young" woman (well, she was like forty, so, you know!). She made it very clear that she wanted me to spend the night at her place and that she just wanted some company. Basically somebody who would hold her and comfort her, and it was very clear that sex was off the table.

    She'd been through the same situation with a few other (male) people whom we both know from the same environment, and it seemed some of them got a bit....didn't handle the "no sex" part too well.

    But that was OK with me.

    Because I liked her and felt a bit like being charitable, I suppose.

    ANYWAY.

    No, we hung out at her place into the small hours of the night, and whatever.

    At about five in the morning I just kind of decided it was best for me to leave....I don't think either of us were getting much sleep, and she snores like a breeder hog....so I very carefully opened a kitchen window, had a cigarette, and just sort of put my pants and shoes and watch and shirt on and all that and gave her a little avuncular/paternal kind of kiss on the temple of her forehead and told her I had to be going.

    Felt a little skeevy being the guy who is leaving in the dark of the morning gathering his things and leaving.

    I did leave her a little note saying goodbye, and I did give her a friendly goodbye in person.

    I think it was for the best: nobody likes "the morning after," even if there were no actual boots knocking. I did give a nice attempt at fondling her, you know, just so she wouldn't feel undesirable as a woman, you know, in bed, as one does.

    I don't think there's a real question here: if someone feels her or she has to leave, regardless of the hour or circumstance, that's certainly one's prerogative. But it feels like an ethical question: would a good person have stayed? Or would the wiser person have done as I did and recognized that in the light of day it might have been best for all to absent oneself.

    And, no, I don't feel at all bad about mildly groping her while in the sack, even though there was no consent. Two fairly healthy, attractive specimens in bed together....well....it would have been very much too far and almost certainly criminal or tortious if I had penetrated her. But under the circumstances, I think a little "light petting" is entirely appropriate and no one would object. Not even her. After all, her explicit purpose was to have someone strong hold her, wisp strands of hair away from her cheek, while in bed, so it's not as though there was not an implied intimacy on a physical level.

    OTOH she was literally in tears having an emotional breakdown of some sort prior to our meeting, so there may have been some duty of care. I don't think in any kind of legal or civil sense, but probably ethically. However, that is more to do with my having left her bed prior to her having awoken, except when I briefly said goodbye.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 22 May 2021 at 01:07 PM.

  22. #1022
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Well, we had a brief text conversation just now.

    It seems everything's cool. Her: "And you managed to not make me say a word. If I would've felt that I needed to wake up a speak to reaffirm my boundaries it would've not been cool. I was tired and felt awful physically mostly really. I hope we can play pool sometime again soon."

    So that's good. Helps that my first reply to her was very direct about my questionable behavior and complimentary to her intellect and magnanimous spirit, so that was a clever opening response on my part.

    Now all I have to do, since I have her number, is avoid sending drunken texts about gals at work I'm trying to bone.

    That's not a good idea, just trust me on that.

  23. #1023
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    /Ehhhh deep sigh

    I don't think that my friend saying she didn't feel the need to call out verbally in order to make me stop is exactly a vindication.

    On the good hand, so to speak, I think it means she didn't feel sexually molested.

    That's a pretty good feeling, I'd say.

    For all concerned.

    Monkey Shoulder.

    Won't you?

  24. #1024
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    I think we're all hoarders to some degree, on some level, whether directly or indirectly. Some people hoard physical junk in their home, some people hoard control, some people hoard "friends" ... Everyone's got something they could cut back on. And the TV show (I guess that's what you're talking about) really illustrates the dysfunctional nature within all of us, in a way that is very obvious.

  25. #1025
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    I hoard hoarding.

    Here's a good one from just now: why the fucking hell does my refrigerator smell so bad?

    There's some expired meat, but not that far gone, and the smell started before it. No expired milk. Some cans of tomato juice. Some stale tortillas in a bag. Some jars of bacon grease.

    I think a witch put a hex on it. And that last gal was into Tarot cards and astrology and shit, so maybe it's her.

  26. #1026
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Because you have stale stuff in your fridge, dopey dora. Remove the stale stuff, give your fridge a quick wipe, and the smell will go away.

  27. #1027
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    Quote Originally posted by Trojan Man View post
    Remove the stale stuff, give your fridge a quick wipe, and the smell will go away.
    I did just now!

    And now what's all this nonsense about cleaning interior surfaces? The floor doesn't complain! The floor likes it!

    I thought fridges were self-cleaning! It's cold in there! It's not supposed to smell like snuff juice and fish scent out of a Howlin' Wolf juke joint.

  28. #1028
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, there were some suspiciously old things like a few packets of some kind of "chinese" food sauce and the like, an open jar of Grey Poupon that was probably ten years old, and some jar of jelly that I have no idea why was in there (I think I might have used it for .... I don't know what ... making prison wine or something).

    Some sterilized empty 1 gal containers for if I decide to make wine again and decant it into useful containers.

    //////////////////////////////////

    NEW question:

    Should I remove the glovebox on my 2000 Toyota Camry XLE to see if I can examine the wiring harness? Probably. Easier than removing the front of the intake manifold, behind which there is the remnants of a rodent's nest.

    The real part of this question is: should I not bother putting it back?

    Advantage? It will look really ghetto and cool. Probably be able to see the pavement underneath. I don't want to do twice the effort.

    Disadvantages? Exposes the interior to any invading creatures. It will look super sketchy. Road debris and the like will probably find it's way into my eyeholes. It will suck in the winter.

  29. #1029
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    How many butterflies does it take to make a hamburger patty?

  30. #1030
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Trojan Man View post
    How many butterflies does it take to make a hamburger patty?
    I don't know, but I suspect none.

    Question?

    A good second suit for one who's level of formality never requires more than impeccable charcoal woolen trousers, a navy blazer, shoes, socks, necktie, which one possesses in spades including most tasteful variants, including jackets, trousers, etc., should be a black suit.

    I find, contrary to popular opinion, the black suit is more versatile than the standard regimental uniform of charcoal and navy.

    Should one wish to become a Blues Brother, for example. Or attend a funeral. Or contrast it with a bold but conversatively colored necktie. With white shirt only, of course, and black polished shoes.

    Therefore, am I wrong to invest in the purchase of a black suit (including the tailoring required for an off-the-rack model)? Provided one is not that keen on dark navy blue except on blazers, and already has an OK prima facie charcoal suit.

    Answer! I command it!

  31. #1031
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    Bottom line: How do I find a CHEAP and GOOD accountant?
    Actually, I did find the answer to this one.

    As it happens, I struck up a friendship with a woman who is now at the ripe age of 38 at a local watering hole. Turns out we're not exactly relationship material, but she's a CPA who, after the purges of CV-19, has opened up her own shop with a business partner who is also a CPA.

    So, cats and kittens, despite the dangers of demon rum, it does pay to stay on the scene and meet people.

    And, I say this as an extreme introvert. It's just how one plays the hand.

    This concludes today's advice column!

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