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Thread: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

  1. #1
    Why so serious? Tinker's avatar
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    Default Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    I've been watching kids programming lately, and I hear this theme over and over again. It's supposed to be a self-esteem builder but I think at the root of it's a highly destructive thing to tell kids that sets them up for disappointment.

    It's simply a lie.

    A kid can't be or do anything. I wanted to be an Astronaut when I was a kid but a congenital heart condition kept me from doing so. I knew it would so I didn't try. But very few people get to be Astronaut or President.

    So I know that it's sort of a mindless platitude that we tell children, but I am not sure that we should be saying things that we don't really mean to kids like that. They should know that they will be suited to certain things and not others and that it's important to find out what they are good at and will enjoy enough to apply themselves to. I am not saying we should do the Jewish Mother thing and tell every kid they should be a Doctor or a Lawyer, we shouldn't necessarily tell kids what they HAVE to be, but I don't think we should say, 'You can BE anything.', we should say, 'There are so many jobs to choose from you should see which ones seem the most interesting to you.'
    "And I hope I don't get born again, 'cuz one time was enough!" -- Mark Sandman

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    Stegodon
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    I tell my kids they can try to be anything they want, but I don't fill them with false confidence. A kid has to be encouraged when you notice them taking a particular interest in something. I think the best thing you can do is illuminate the subject as best you can for them, then tell them what kind of job or future there is in something like that. And taylor it all to the child in question.
    ????

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    Stegodon
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    Like the theme in Pixar's Ratatouilli, not everyone can be a great chef, but being a great chef can happen to anyone. That's the right perspective I think.
    ????

  4. #4
    Elephant
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    Well, telling little kids they can try anything is a good thing, in my opinon. Kids aren't stupid. My daughter accepted pretty early on that she lacks the talent for ice skating, the discpline for brain surgery, and the temperament for politics. She hasn't given up on rock star, but you know what? She can sing her ass off, play the hell out of a guitar, and she's gorgeous and charismatic to boot, so I wouldn't rule it out either, keeping in mind that she doesn't expect it to happen magically, and has a backup plan.

  5. #5
    Why so serious? Tinker's avatar
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    I guess I am just very literally minded. When someone tells me I could be anything I think, "I'd like to master magnetism like Magneto.", or something that is literally impossible. Like even if my daughter could be President she's very unlikely to be the ruler of Myanmar. And then there are jobs for which there are limited slots and lots of competition filled with tons of precious little snowflakes who can be/do anything.

    Maybe there isn't much of a debate. So I guess I'll focus on this: Is it actively HARMFUL to tell them they can 'be/do' anything when that is obviously and demonstrably false?
    "And I hope I don't get born again, 'cuz one time was enough!" -- Mark Sandman

  6. #6
    XJETGIRLX
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    The best thing my mother ever told my brother and I growing up was, "No matter how smart or good you are at something, there is always someone better. That's no excuse not to do your best."

    I think it's a careful line to walk. You want your kids to live up to their own potential, while recognizing that not all kids have the same potential. Kids should be taught that they need to compare their progress to their own abilities, not to compare themselves to those around them.

  7. #7
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    I think it can be kind of harmful. We have this great cultural idea that there are no class distinctions in America and that anyone can be anything and it's true to an extent, but I could practice every day of my life and never touch Tiger Woods golf ability, or sing like Whitney Houston. There has to be a realistic middle ground and many parents don't seem to see that. Simply saying "You can be/do anything if you try hard enough!" isn't wrong, we've got plenty of stories of people who overcame incredible odds to succeed but it doesn't work very well on an individual basis. Talent and ambition and opportunity have to go along with all that hard work or it's not going to happen, so just telling kids they can be anything without mentioning those other things is a disservice.
    Science flies you to the moon; religion flies you into buildings.

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    Oliphaunt
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    You want to know a weird kind of "harm" that befell me from that message?

    Mom used to tell me (and I mean, repeatedly....I remember this speech as if it was given nightly, although it wasn't quite that frequent): "You're so lucky to be growing up today." (I was born in 1974.) "You can be anything you want to be. When I was a girl, the only acceptable jobs for women were secretary, teacher or nurse. And a secretary or teacher was preferable to a nurse because nurses have to [stage whisper] look at men's naked bodies! So enjoy it, kiddo. Don't waste your chances!"

    Sounds good, right? Smack out of the Gloria Steinem, Free To Be You and Me... playbook. Just how modern parenting is supposed to happen.

    Only, while I now know this is in no way what she meant, what I heard was, "Being a nurse is a crap profession. Any enlightened, post-feminist woman with intelligence and drive would never deign to be a nurse." [insert head smacking icon we don't have yet] I spent over 15 years drifting along, taking courses that didn't prepare me for a career and working in dead end jobs, because I couldn't admit to myself or my mother that what I really wanted to do was be a nurse!

    So it's a tricky message, even assuming your kid doesn't have physical, class or racial barriers to overcome. You may, entirely inadvertently, send the message that perfectly respectable, but mundane and familiar, careers aren't appropriate choices. Because who wants to tell Dad you want to be a mechanic when he's telling you that you could be PRESIDENT?!
    Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it.

  9. #9
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    Quote Originally posted by WhyNot
    So it's a tricky message, even assuming your kid doesn't have physical, class or racial barriers to overcome. You may, entirely inadvertently, send the message that perfectly respectable, but mundane and familiar, careers aren't appropriate choices. Because who wants to tell Dad you want to be a mechanic when he's telling you that you could be PRESIDENT?!
    Exactly!

    I think we spend too much time studying history's "Greats". People think that being An Artist = being Michelangelo. So then they either give up being any kind of artist - or they delude themselves into thinking they are Michelangelo.

  10. #10
    Why so serious? Tinker's avatar
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    WhyNot That's a fabulous story. It really captures a wide range of the unintended consequences at work here.
    "And I hope I don't get born again, 'cuz one time was enough!" -- Mark Sandman

  11. #11
    Elephant
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    Quote Originally posted by WhyNot
    So it's a tricky message, even assuming your kid doesn't have physical, class or racial barriers to overcome. You may, entirely inadvertently, send the message that perfectly respectable, but mundane and familiar, careers aren't appropriate choices. Because who wants to tell Dad you want to be a mechanic when he's telling you that you could be PRESIDENT?!
    I think that might be a more significant problem if the vast majority of parents didn't actually have perfectly respectable but mundane and familiar careers. By the time they finish high school, let alone college, most people have a pretty good idea whether or not they're cut out to be President.

    No offense intended to WhyNot, but her story sounds to me more like a family dysfunction issue than anything inherently wrong with the message "you can do anything". After all, approximately 99.83% of the population doesn't set the world on fire, "anything" includes nursing.

  12. #12
    Oliphaunt
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    Quote Originally posted by DianaG
    Quote Originally posted by WhyNot
    So it's a tricky message, even assuming your kid doesn't have physical, class or racial barriers to overcome. You may, entirely inadvertently, send the message that perfectly respectable, but mundane and familiar, careers aren't appropriate choices. Because who wants to tell Dad you want to be a mechanic when he's telling you that you could be PRESIDENT?!
    I think that might be a more significant problem if the vast majority of parents didn't actually have perfectly respectable but mundane and familiar careers. By the time they finish high school, let alone college, most people have a pretty good idea whether or not they're cut out to be President.
    Funny you should say that. My mother's a teacher, and guess what my first two failed attempts at college were in? Education. Third was speech-language pathology, fourth medicinal herbalism and fifth massage therapy. That last one was the only one I did finish. See how the science and medicine started creeping in there, just waiting for me to notice?
    No offense intended to WhyNot, but her story sounds to me more like a family dysfunction issue than anything inherently wrong with the message "you can do anything". After all, approximately 99.83% of the population doesn't set the world on fire, "anything" includes nursing.
    No offense taken! If it doesn't apply for you, it doesn't apply, but I've had enough people have a-HA! moments when I tell it that I thought I'd share it.

    I think "dysfunction" is too harsh a term, though. It was a miscommunication that had unforeseeable consequences. She said "anything," but her emphasis led me to imagine she'd said, "anything but."
    Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it.

  13. #13
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    It bes fine when balanced with realistic counsel concerning their own limitations and what to expect from the human 3-d world around them. For example, yes, you can be a rock star IF you have genuine TALENT, BUT ... be aware of the highly competitive nature of the field, be aware it takes time to get a productive career going in any of the arts, and have back up plans to ensure a comfortable enough income WHILE you pursue it.

    In other words, have your dreams -- don't give up your dreams -- but realize the real world has no obligation to grant them. You must work for them and work hard to achieve them AND be prepared to work hard to survive and pay your own way in life WHILE achieving them because there will be only so much support parents and friends can offer, and more and more "moral support only" as you get older and out on your own. The time to take advantage of would be right now, if you feel serious about this, take music lessons (or whatever else), practice at it, give up some of your XBox and MySpace time to devote to it, because if you don't have the willingness to work and make sacrifices for your dreams you will never see them happen, no one gonna hand it to you on a platter just for wanting it.

  14. #14
    Elephant Claptree's avatar
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    I haven't really considered the implications of telling kids they can be anything, but the OP reminded me of one of my all-time favourite radio interviews. It was about a parent co-op daycare center, run by small time actors, artists and the like, who rented a place and took turns working there. Anyway, they interviewed a little girl, I'd say 4-5 years old, and asked her what she wanted to be when she grows up. The reply, without hesitation:

    -Everything!

    Now there's a gal with ambitions.

  15. #15
    Maximum Proconsul silenus's avatar
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    Default Re: Is telling Kids they can Be/Do anything appropriate?

    I have this poster in my classroom.


    I believe that sums up my feeling on the subject.
    "The Turtle Moves!"

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