I have never eaten a hamburger

[Exy]

Okay look: I was raised by vegetarians. I hung onto that for a long time even after leaving the nest, until I actually sat down and thought critically and realized that, wait, I really like food, so I'm not about to swear off most of it for some incoherent hippie philosophy my parents probably first picked up during an acid trip. ANYWAYS . . .

I'm gradually fixing my ignorance of American food culture, and one of these days when I get around to it I will probably even try bacon for the first time! Meanwhile, I realize I've never had a hamburger in any form.

So where should I go? It kind of seems like I should go to McDonald's or Wendy's or something, since fast food is probably the major domain of the hamburger. Or should I wait until summer, and have one at a fourth of July barbecue? Or could I easily make one myself (without a grill, since I'm a poor kid without a backyard)? Or what? HELP ME CURE MY HAMBURGER IGNORANCE, DUMBOPHANT!!!

[Vox Imperatoris]

Don't get a Big Mac. I never had one until last year, when I decided to try it. Nasty.

Get a Whopper. I get mine with no mayonnaise, no tomatoes, and added mustard. Homemade burgers are really good, too, of course, especially if you put Tabasco on them.

[Myrnalene]

No, do not go to McDonald's or a similar fast food chain. Look, I eat their burgers sometimes but it's with the understanding that it's kind of a crap version of what I really want. Don't make one of theirs be the first hamburger you eat.

You could probably make a decent one in a skillet at home but I really recommend you wait until someone can grill one up for you. Big fat burger, medium rare, go easy on the ketchup / mustard, have a little mayo and some onion instead.

Some people put bacon on their hamburgers but frankly I don't know if you will ever be ready for such a step.

[Orual]

Oh my god, don't let your first hamburger experience be a fast food chain. Do you have a good diner in the area?

[Zuul]

Oh my god, don't let your first hamburger experience be a fast food chain. Do you have a good diner in the area?

My thoughts exactly. Those little retro diners usually have pretty good hamburgers. Don't do fast food.

[Taumpy]

I'm going to echo the sentiment that you can not have your first burger be from McDonald's. You have waited this long, wait a little more until you can one that's actually going to taste good. IMO, the best burgers are off a grill at a barbecue.

[Hatshepsut]

Will you post after losing your burger virginity and tell us what it was like?

[Exy]

Will you post after losing your burger virginity and tell us what it was like?

Well, it may be awhile, since it's not quite grilling season . . .

[Papaw]

Find a friend that grills regularly and get yourself invited over. Let the friend know your desire to have your hamburger virginity taken by a good home made grilled burger. Start small, but be sure to at least try another later with more "fixin's" on it!
Hard to believe even one such as you here in America hasn't EVER had a hamburger!

[What Exit?]

Grilled is best, but most decent chains (like a Ruby Tuesdays or Houlihans but not Fridays*) can make a good hamburger. Good enough for a first time. Ask for medium so it at least has a good chance of coming out medium well and not charred. A hamburger should not be dry.


* Applebees is a crap shoot, they vary more than most national chains in my experience. If you have a local one you like, go for it.

[The Original An Gadaí]

Don't mind these snobs, get yourself a regular burger at McDonalds, then work your way up.

[Myrnalene]

Don't mind these snobs, get yourself a regular burger at McDonalds, then work your way up.

Don't listen to An Gadaí! He doesn't even eat meat.

[Zuul]

It's a trap! He's trying to so revolt you with processed meat that you'll never eat animal flesh again.

[Oliveloaf]

I would think that a McDonald's cheeseburger would be an excellent place to start.

I haven't had one since going veg 20 years ago, but I recall them being tasty, and they certainly represent what America thinks a burger is.

Sure, lots of burgers are better, but few are more a part of the American burger experience. Plus, the fries and McDonald's rule.

[Sarahfeena]

No. No no no no no no. NO. Do NOT have a McDonald's cheeseburger for your first hamburger. I would recommend a bar burger, myself, but if you MUST go fast-food, at least get Burger King. Flame-broiled makes all the difference.

[Hatshepsut]

Another voice to plead against having McDonald's for your first burger. The things they sell are hamburgers in name only. It isn't that the food is so terrible - if you dumb down your palate a bit and you're really hungry, it's far better than nothing - but their food has no relationship to what a true hamburger is like. If fast food is the only way to go, then Burger King is a much better choice.

[Papaw]

I second the Burger King choice if you can't find a friend to grill you a proper burger.

[What Exit?]

Seriously, avoid the fast food burgers as the first hamburgers. Go to a good restaurant or bar you already know and get it there. Remember, Burger King might have adherents, but many also do not like them. My choice for a fast food burger would be Wendy's if any, but go get a real burger.

[Johnny]

Update?

[Nrblex]

C'mon Exy. We want to hear about you stuffing meat in your mouth.

[Exy]

I haven't tried a hamburger yet. Too lazy and it hasn't been grilling season.

I did learn this from SomethingAwful, though:

if you dont stuff your mouth with hot loads of meat and meat juices you are a huge faggot

[Zuul]

That is absolutely true. And remember: if you don't eat your meat, how can you have any pudding?

[Glazer]

How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?

[Nrblex]

It's hamburger season!

[Clothahump]

Fuddrucker's. Great burgers, IMNSHO.