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Thread: MelloRants. Like Mini-Rants only...Mello.

  1. #401
    Elephant artifex's avatar
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    This is my last week at this job, I want to slack off, and I definitely do NOT want to help cover CNA visits!!!

  2. #402
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Dear knot in my back:

    There is, in fact, no Guinness record for "Largest Back Knot". You can give up now.

  3. #403
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    Dear Dogs,

    The fact that I am getting off the couch to fix leftovers should be meaningless to you. You've finished your food, back the fuck up off mine.

    Love (or else you'd all be at HSSM),

    Me
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  4. #404
    Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo What Exit?'s avatar
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    Really? Really?

    I had a sneezing fit yesterday and pull a muscle, probably the left diaphragm muscle and now it really hurts if I sneeze, cough or laugh and I kept waking myself up last night rolling into the wrong position. What the heck, the sneeze is a terrible over-reaction, Intelligent Design my ass.

  5. #405
    Oliphaunt The Original An Gadaí's avatar
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    My sore throat won't go away.

  6. #406
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    IT WOULD BE REALLY HELPFUL IF I COULD LOOK INTO THE FUTURE A LITTLE BIT SO I COULD SEE IF MY POTENTIAL LIFE-DECISIONS WILL MAKE ANYTHING BETTER. BECAUSE FLYING BLIND SURE HAS NOT HELPED ME ANY.

    (It's a bad idea to think about going back to school when I haven't even mildly paid off any of my student loans from my last foray into the world of higher education, right? Right. :sigh: )
    Last edited by Orual; 02 May 2012 at 05:57 PM.

  7. #407
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Orual, what are you thinking of going back to school for? It might, actually, make a world of difference.

  8. #408
    Oliphaunt
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    Engineering, but considering that I took almost no math or science for my orignal BA, it would basically entail getting a whole nother 4-year degree and it's a stupid idea anyways because I'm already in student loan debt up to my eyebrows and there exists no degree in 'becoming enough of a plausible bullshitter to convince hiring managers to like you'. Bah.

  9. #409
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Hang in there, Orual. Sometimes things change, just like that.

  10. #410
    Wanna cuddle? RabbitMage's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Orual View post
    Engineering, but considering that I took almost no math or science for my orignal BA, it would basically entail getting a whole nother 4-year degree and it's a stupid idea anyways because I'm already in student loan debt up to my eyebrows and there exists no degree in 'becoming enough of a plausible bullshitter to convince hiring managers to like you'. Bah.
    Would community college be an option? You could go part time and test the waters of those math and science classes without spending a whole buttload of money and see how it goes.

    Rant: community college. I am so done with you. Except I have another year of you so clearly I am not but I would like to be.

  11. #411
    Administrator CatInASuit's avatar
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    Most engineers I knew took Maths and Physics with a pinch of salt.
    In the land of the blind, the one-arm man is king.

  12. #412
    Oliphaunt
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    Yes, but to get the degree, I have to take the classes, and the last time I did calculus was during the Clinton administration.

    There is some particularly vicious pollen in the air this week. My sinuses are staging a revolt.

  13. #413
    Wanna cuddle? RabbitMage's avatar
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    Why are my tests always, always on the same day? Oh well. One more week. One. More. Week.

  14. #414
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    Next Monday, you should dance around and sing this song:

    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  15. #415
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    Look, I know. You're a heterosexual man. You like boobs. I get that. This is why I don't generally hold it against men when I catch them looking.

    But, see, there's a difference between glancing and then getting back to business and staring with a great big dirty minded little boy grin.

    Now the main thing I took away from our interaction is, "Geez. The Schwan's guy is horny."
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  16. #416
    Wanna cuddle? RabbitMage's avatar
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    Dear website-I-work-through,

    I have read your rules on comma usage half a dozen times. When I started you said I used too many. Then it was too few. Then they were in the wrong places. Then you simply stopped offering commentary and just gave a poor rating to everything I turned in. I don't know what you want from me. I do know the fact that my client has never had a single complaint about my work doesn't matter, nor does the fact I am writing for a blog where they don't much care if my comma usage is in line with the AP style guide or whatever you're using.

    In conclusion, thank you for making it that much harder to find work, and kindly go fuck yourselves.

    [note: not edited for comma usage]

  17. #417
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zuul View post
    Now the main thing I took away from our interaction is, "Geez. The Schwan's guy is horny."
    He got into the delivery truck business based on its glowing depiction in many 70s and 80s porn films. He's slowly learning that it's just a job. Your rack was the highlight of his day.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  18. #418
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    Dear sir;

    While I've received some rejections in my day--as any writer has--I have never received a response from someone that was so gloriously well-thought out. It's one thing to simply tell a writer that you're not interested in their writing or that you think they're unprofessional, but it's quite another to go to the time and trouble of writing a parody of the author's writing style. That took time and effort that few editors put into the craft. I like to think that my illiterate shit-flinging touched you as deeply as your response touched me, since you took the time out of your busy schedule to mock me so thoroughly.

    I particularly liked the part where you suggested some grammar game apps by name that I could download in order to learn the rudiments of the language. The thoughtfulness of this gesture just about choked me up.

    The only part I'm confused about is the fact that--even after implying I should restrict my writing to SmartPhone apps--you accepted my article.

    What in God's name would a rejection look like?

  19. #419
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    He's tough because he cares, Zuul.

    Also because he's a tool.

  20. #420
    Oliphaunt
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    Quote Originally posted by Zuul View post
    What in God's name would a rejection look like?
    He sends you an envelope full of poop.

    The soundtrack to the original Conan the Barbarian is not available on iTunes. WHY.

  21. #421
    Clueless but well-meaning Hatshepsut's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Zuul View post
    Dear sir;

    While I've received some rejections in my day--as any writer has--I have never received a response from someone that was so gloriously well-thought out. It's one thing to simply tell a writer that you're not interested in their writing or that you think they're unprofessional, but it's quite another to go to the time and trouble of writing a parody of the author's writing style. That took time and effort that few editors put into the craft. I like to think that my illiterate shit-flinging touched you as deeply as your response touched me, since you took the time out of your busy schedule to mock me so thoroughly.

    I particularly liked the part where you suggested some grammar game apps by name that I could download in order to learn the rudiments of the language. The thoughtfulness of this gesture just about choked me up.

    The only part I'm confused about is the fact that--even after implying I should restrict my writing to SmartPhone apps--you accepted my article.

    What in God's name would a rejection look like?
    But was the parody witty?

    (Seriously, that's really fucked up.)

  22. #422
    Administrator CatInASuit's avatar
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    please, please, PLEASE... fix the aircon in the office.
    In the land of the blind, the one-arm man is king.

  23. #423
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    If you should have a drunken fight with your wife, do not walk a quarter of a mile outside of the village at night. If you do walk a quarter of a mile outside of the village at night, do not go to the cabin of a woman you know to be alone. If you go to the cabin of a woman you know to be alone, do not break into her shed. If you do break into her shed, do not sleep there. If you sleep there, do not jump out behind her in the morning when she is using a pitchfork.

    This message brought to you by Fuck You, Get Off My Property, Yes I Will Stab You.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  24. #424
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Like I always say, people who talk about the virtuous small town life have never lived in a small town.

  25. #425
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    That is the truth. I may see fewer penises on public transportation out here, but I sure make up for it in other ways.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  26. #426
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Dear work,

    Can we move the tables out of the way? If I hit another one, I'm afraid I'll draw blood.
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  27. #427
    Clueless but well-meaning Hatshepsut's avatar
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    Dear boss,

    You know I love you, but you know nothing about graphic design. White space is a design element. If we fill all the pages of our publications from top to bottom with 3-column, justified text in a tiny font with tight leading, we will not look professional, we will look like we know fuck-all about design, and as an added bonus no one will want to read our material because it's ugly and difficult to read.

  28. #428
    Oliphaunt The Original An Gadaí's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Hatshepsut View post
    Dear boss,

    You know I love you, but you know nothing about graphic design. White space is a design element. If we fill all the pages of our publications from top to bottom with 3-column, justified text in a tiny font with tight leading, we will not look professional, we will look like we know fuck-all about design, and as an added bonus no one will want to read our material because it's ugly and difficult to read.
    ]

    FUCKING RAEG. SO MANY REPUTABLE FIRMS DO THAT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE INFORMATION PRESENTATION IS ALIEN TO THEM. POX ON EVERYONE WHO CREATES SUCH DISASTERS! WELL NO POX NEEDED, LACK OF BUSINESS SHALL BE FORTHCOMING! DOESN'T NEED TO BE SNAZZY JUST... WORK.

  29. #429
    Oliphaunt
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    Never assume that calling a potential employer will just be a matter of a simple interview-scheduling. NEVER ASSUME THAT. THEY WANT TO ASK YOU THE BS NONSENSE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS. IT IS ALL THEY LIVE FOR. HEED MY WORDS. HEED THEM.

    ...

    is what I would say to myself if I could time-travel back an hour and thus, perhaps avoid totally shitting the phone-interview bed.

  30. #430
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Orual View post
    Never assume that calling a potential employer will just be a matter of a simple interview-scheduling. NEVER ASSUME THAT. THEY WANT TO ASK YOU THE BS NONSENSE INTERVIEW QUESTIONS. IT IS ALL THEY LIVE FOR. HEED MY WORDS. HEED THEM.

    ...

    is what I would say to myself if I could time-travel back an hour and thus, perhaps avoid totally shitting the phone-interview bed.
    So...what kind of position are you applying for, and with what kind of firm?
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  31. #431
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    It's a similar-to-my-current-job admin position, but with a large, multinational company where they have neat stuff like advancement opportunities and financial stability. It's hardly my dream job, so I'm not going to sweat it too much if it doesn't work out. Phone interviews, though. They are my Kryptonite.

  32. #432
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Dear Shane,

    If I say "I'd rather you not do that," it doesn't mean I think you're going to do something you're not planning to do. It doesn't mean I think you're going to kiss my hand (which you've done [yuck]) when you just want to shake. It means DO NOT TOUCH ME. Seriously. This is the only body I have, and I get to decide who touches it. Even my hand. And, considering you tried to argue with me when I asked you not to touch my boobs, too, I'm really to the point that I'm going to start walking the other way when I see you.

    Go Fuck Yourself,

    Marsilia
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  33. #433
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    To: Dude who was running down a busy sidewalk, at rush-hour, wearing a t-shirt that says: "Your workout is my warmup".

    Your IQ is my shoe size.

  34. #434
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    And was it the same dude who ran in front of me on the sidewalk today as I was walking at lunch? Or is that t-shirt really popular all of a sudden?

  35. #435
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    How long can teenagers play "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and "Blitzkrieg Bop" over and over and over and over and over and over and over again before my brain melts? Ow, my poor head.

  36. #436
    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
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    Ha ha, Smells Like Teen Spirit is my ringtone!

  37. #437
    Oliphaunt The Original An Gadaí's avatar
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    SDMB seems to be down.

  38. #438
    Administrator CatInASuit's avatar
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    Dear LCD moronic fucktard.

    Yelling out in public from your car and trying to catch someone's attention with "Hey Sexy" and "How are you doing, Darling?" makes me want to disown you from the male half of the human race. Of course, that would imply you were actually human and not just someone with a diseased mollusc for a brain.

    Of course, when I look round to see who you had decided to press your unwanted attention on and your next comments is "Oh fuck, it's a bloke", I suddenly realise you were shouting at me.

    From behind, I am apparently a sexy female. From in front, it becomes a little more obvious I'm not. Female, or sexy, or more likely neither. I also think my hysterical cracking up didn't help his composure.

    Your still someone who should be removed from the gene pool, but at least you may think twice before doing it again.
    In the land of the blind, the one-arm man is king.

  39. #439
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Hatshepsut View post
    Dear boss,

    You know I love you, but you know nothing about graphic design. White space is a design element. If we fill all the pages of our publications from top to bottom with 3-column, justified text in a tiny font with tight leading, we will not look professional, we will look like we know fuck-all about design, and as an added bonus no one will want to read our material because it's ugly and difficult to read.
    Quote Originally posted by The Original An Gadaí View post
    FUCKING RAEG. SO MANY REPUTABLE FIRMS DO THAT. IT'S ALMOST LIKE INFORMATION PRESENTATION IS ALIEN TO THEM. POX ON EVERYONE WHO CREATES SUCH DISASTERS! WELL NO POX NEEDED, LACK OF BUSINESS SHALL BE FORTHCOMING! DOESN'T NEED TO BE SNAZZY JUST... WORK.
    Dear Hatshepsut and The Original An Gadaí, this is for you:

    Last edited by OneCentStamp; 19 Jul 2012 at 03:56 PM.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  40. #440
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Dear People Seeking Employment: please proofread your résumés. If you know you aren't a great speller or writer, ask someone to do it for you. As it is, this document is my first introduction to your attention to detail and the level of pride you take in yourself and your work, and if it's a chore to read, there's a good chance that it costs you the opportunity for a face to face interview.

    Also, please send it as a .pdf rather than a Word document. They look cleaner, and the formatting comes out the same on any computer your prospective employer happens to be using. You don't even need any special program to do so; Microsoft Word will save your document as a .pdf for you if you ask nicely.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  41. #441
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Dear Bitch I Wasn't Even Friends With In High School,

    I went ahead and friended you on Facebook because I knew your mom and my aunt are tight. I didn't unfriend you when you posted that status in which you were beside yourself because Facebook defaulted your romantic interest to bi, or whatever had you thinking people might think you were a scary Other like me. But, your combative post about how eating Chick-Fil-A "doesn't make you a bigot" was full of so much smug disregard for the damage caused by the "charities" that Chick-Fil-A donates to that I had to say something, then I had to unfriend you, because there are reasons we weren't friends in high school, and you haven't outgrown them.

    No Love,

    Marsilia
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  42. #442
    Oliphaunt
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    Dear childish, hateful slag who just broke my little sister's heart: you are so lucky you live 2,000 miles away from me.

  43. #443
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Orual View post
    Dear childish, hateful slag who just broke my little sister's heart: you are so lucky you live 2,000 miles away from me.
    Preach.
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  44. #444
    Oliphaunt
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    But seriously, she need to be set on ALL THE FIRE. ALL OF IT.

  45. #445
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Dear National News Media,

    There's this patch of land, roughly state-sized, between Louisiana and Alabama. It's currently in the projected path of a projected hurricane. Try to remember that while you wring yoyr hands over Poor New Orleans and Mobile.

    Frim Mississippi,
    Me
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  46. #446
    Oliphaunt
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    Fuck feelings. Seriously.

    Hope your hatches are all battened down, Marsilia!

  47. #447
    Oliphaunt
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    So help me, if I have celiac disease, I am going to punch a whole litter of puppies. With baby seals.

  48. #448
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Dear hopelessly over-her-head colleague:

    The time you spent dumping your client's call on me is time you could have used to call your client.

  49. #449
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Dear client: When I do exactly what you ask, don't send me an e-mail telling me that I only have to do exactly what you asked. My head hurts.

  50. #450
    Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo What Exit?'s avatar
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    Fuck having no power, I am sick of it and especially sick of freezing cold showers.

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