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Thread: MelloRants. Like Mini-Rants only...Mello.

  1. #101
    aka ivan the not-quite-as-terrible ivan astikov's avatar
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    On review of Muffin's previous posting activity, I see he's not been over here in more than a month.

    What a sad and dreary existence he must lead, if coming here to snipe at me is his only inspiration.
    To sleep, perchance to experience amygdalocortical activation and prefrontal deactivation.

  2. #102
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Dear School Across the Street from my Bedroom,

    TURN OFF THE FUCKING GIANT GENERATOR! I'm trying to get sleepy, and this shit is really not helping. This is a residential neighborhood. It's bad enough that I have to plan my days off around your dismissal (since I invariably have parents parked in front of my driveway to wait for their kids), now you're going to keep me up all night. Thanks, Aniston Elementary. Thanks.

  3. #103
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    Dear Hottie Hipster Co-worker,

    Please don't call me in the evenings ever again. You are really cute, shouldn't you be busy? Like, shouldn't you be balls-deep in some girl with adorable glasses, while Mission of Burma plays in the background? Rather than calling me about work stuff at 9 at night? Because you are a whole lot less likable when I'm not looking at your pretty, pretty face.

    Love,
    Exy

    P.S.: From now on, no phone calls or emails. I only respond to in person contacts. Also, my cubicle is a pants-free zone.

  4. #104
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    Dear Dental Hygienist who moved to Florida,

    Was it me? Honestly, I have been flossing so much lately. I value you, and your opinions, and I have been trying to live up to the demands you (rightfully) make. I never meant to let you down. I never meant to not measure up. I have a toothbrush at work. I floss in the bathroom there a lot of the time even though it makes me look like a gigantic goober. I mean, I really tried to meet your standards.

    So why did you abandon me and move to Florida? Florida is horrible, it's even hotter and more humid than here, and they have bugs that are like eight inches long. Is it because of me? I felt like I was making so much progress. My gums were shrinking; I was getting really good about brushing after I drank coffee so I wouldn't get stain on my teeth. I really tried, here. I really worked on our relationship problems.

    Whatever it is, please come back. I'll do whatever you say. Please don't leave me with this woman who talks about her divorce while she's scaling my teeth. I know I probably need more work than most patients. I understand that my saliva chemistry causes me to accumulate more tartar than most people. That's something I can't change. It doesn't mean I don't love you and value our relationship.

    I'm not perfect, but I'm trying.

    Warmest regards,
    Exy

  5. #105
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    Dear jackass,

    Ignoring all political commentary, your belief that the two languages of Haiti are identical and there's no reason to keep both of them is deeply retarded.

    The lexicon of Haitian Creole is largely derived from French, but pronunciation, morphology and grammar are dramatically different. In the past it borrowed from African languages, Spanish and TaÝno and recently it's started more heavily borrowing from English. The sentence structure is almost purely African in origin, meaning that if a French speaker could get around the pronunciation differences they'd still be looking at a largely foreign syntax.

    To give you an idea of how different that pronunciation and syntax is, "I am Haitian" in Creole is "Ayisyen mwen ye." In French it's, "Je suis ha´tien."

    Haitian Creole is a creole language. It isn't French.

  6. #106
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    Uh, really long effortpost follows. (Sorry, skip it if you're not a huge nerd. I did a couple papers on creoles in school, one of which focused heavily on Haitian Creole.)

    Quote Originally posted by Zuul View post
    The lexicon of Haitian Creole is largely derived from French, but pronunciation, morphology and grammar are dramatically different.
    Absolutely.

    The sentence structure is almost purely African in origin, meaning that if a French speaker could get around the pronunciation differences they'd still be looking at a largely foreign syntax.
    Exactly how African creoles are may be debatable (in the case of creoles with an African "substrate" language and a European "lexifier" language, obviously -- there are of course creoles with no connection to Africa, and a number of creoles in Africa in which all the languages are creoles.) There are different schools of thought on this.

    What I would term the "conventional theory" of creole genesis essentially holds that creoles are newly-invented languages, spoken when a large number of children in a community whose only shared language is a pidgin (i.e. a simple communication system that's not really quite a language, with a small vocabulary and no consistent grammar) grow up speaking it. This theory holds that the syntax of creoles is essentially a kind of "default" syntax for human language that we all have wired into us. Look up Derek Bickerton's Language Bioprogram Hypothesis for a well-developed discussion. (Although if you want to read it, there wasn't an electronic version available when I needed that paper a few years back so it'll be hard to find.)

    That theory doesn't really require all that much influence from the substrate languages. Naturally there could be some, because such children would almost certainly hear some of their parents' native languages, but it doesn't really result in a grammar that's identical or even all that similar to that of the substrate languages. John McWhorter, a pretty well-known creolist, has developed a "Creole Typology" which he claims describes all creole languages, and while I think he's wrong, it's a pretty influential idea, and to the extent that creoles in the Caribbean, the Pacific, Asia, and within Africa all have similar grammars -- and they do, to some extent -- then those similarities are probably not the result of influence from substrate languages.

    Gradualist theories (look up Salikoko Mufwene for a pretty well-known advocate of them) argue that creoles originate from imperfect second-language acquisition by adults -- adults who (in the case of Haiti) were enslaved and forced to try to communicate in French. Due to imperfect command of French, and then other adults learning imperfectly from the first group, and so on, you eventually see a totally separate language. That would allow for a major influence from the substrate languages, although if I remember right Mufwene really tends to play down the substrate influence, and tends to see there being relatively little.

    This is long so I'll wrap it up, but I just wanted to note that there's a lot of debate in creolistics as to how much creole grammar results from substrate influence, how much is of European origin, and how much is due to the "defaults" of our innate linguistic faculty. The Wikipedia article on creole languages actually has some interesting discussion of this, and IIRC their article on creole genesis is pretty interesting too.

    To give you an idea of how different that pronunciation and syntax is, "I am Haitian" in Creole is "Ayisyen mwen ye." In French it's, "Je suis ha´tien."
    Note though that the spelling system used in Haitian Creole tends to magnify differences. For instances, "ayisyen" and "ha´tien" are pronounced pretty much identically. The sound system of Haitian Creole is obviously not the same as that of French, but if you hear it, you will notice how similar they are.

  7. #107
    The Apostabulous Inner Stickler's avatar
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    I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not.

  8. #108
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    Quote Originally posted by me
    and a number of creoles in Africa in which all the languages are creoles
    in which all the languages involved in the origin of the creole are African


  9. #109
    aka ivan the not-quite-as-terrible ivan astikov's avatar
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    Okay, that's it! I'm fucking annoyed now. How am I supposed to enjoy my catfish sandwich after watching this pleasure-seeking fish?
    To sleep, perchance to experience amygdalocortical activation and prefrontal deactivation.

  10. #110
    Curmudgeon OtakuLoki's avatar
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    Somehow zombie fish bother me more than friendly fish.

  11. #111
    aka ivan the not-quite-as-terrible ivan astikov's avatar
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    To sleep, perchance to experience amygdalocortical activation and prefrontal deactivation.

  12. #112
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    Dear hillbilly roofers,

    Perhaps you live in a barn, but when you have to walk into my air-conditioned home and it's hot outside close the fucking door. I pointed it out once. That really should have been sufficient.

  13. #113
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    God DAMN it, you had the exterminator out here, spraying, and you DIDN'T TELL HIM about the dead bird in the trash bin??? Really? REALLY??

    I swear it's like this fucker WANTS the whole house to be infested.

  14. #114
    Curmudgeon OtakuLoki's avatar
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    Dear Dad,

    You liked to think of yourself as a handyman.

    You also had no aptitude for the avocation. But you persisted. Which could be admirable. Except you were far more likely to volunteer for projects, and then never do anything on them. Case in point: Great Grandpa Stabel's box in your shop. It's sat there for 15 years that I'm pretty sure of, and you never even emptied it out!, let alone started work on it. There are several other identifiable projects in your shop that I can see. All in equal states of completion.

    Then there's the tools you got from your father-in-law's shop. Did you ever even plug them in? Why on earth made you think you had a use for a drill press, a band saw, and a power grinder? The reasoning behind taking them just fails to come clear to me, no matter how much I turn it over in my head.

    What's worse, however, were the jobs you managed to complete.

    The sink faucet that's canted 15 degrees from vertical I can understand, sorta. I'm as strong as you, and I know how easy it can be when using a torque multiplier (also known as a pipe wrench) to exceed design tolerances on household fittings. Why you didn't fix it a the time, however, I don't know. The toilet that was turned so it was obliquely facing the bathroom wall, however, seems to me to be an adjustment that was actively making that unit more difficult to use.

    Finally, the dehumidifier: Why on earth did you use a waterproof epoxy, in a layer one half of an inch thick to fix the hose onto the discharge fitting from the catch basin? Did you really think that you'd never have to replace that dehumidifier? Were you afraid that the mice would unscrew the hose? Were you really that concerned about the potential for drips off the dehumidifier? It's not like you were going to be paying an increased water bill for it.

    And if you did have to do that, why on earth did you have to choose to sacrifice the one hose you had that was an oddball size, and construction, so that it's impossible to find an adapter to fix that hose?

    And I can't ask my dad any of these questions. He'll just look confused and sleep some more.

    So you get to hear 'em here.


    GYAH!!!!!!!

  15. #115
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    Dear Glee,

    "SENSATIONAL TRANSYLVANIA"? Really? I will watch this episode on Wednesday afternoon, just like all the others, but this retired Columbia has a deep sense of dread about what y'all have done.
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  16. #116
    For whom nothing is written. Oliveloaf's avatar
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    Dear McDonalds,

    I want a God-damned cup of iced tea that isn't freaking dripping tea when you hand it into my car.

    What the hell?
    "I won't kill for money, and I won't marry for it. Other than that, I'm open to just about anything."

    -Jim Rockford

  17. #117
    Oliphaunt
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    I DON'T WANNA BE AT WORK ANY MORE. I WANNA GO HOOOOOOMMMMEEEEE.

    ::dissolves into tears like a pathetic 3-year-old::

  18. #118
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    People who program television sports networks:

    POKER IS NOT A DAMN SPORT!

  19. #119
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    It really amazes me how loose networks will get with what they show. TLC is nothing but freakish baby making, SyFy has wrestling, the History Channel has truckers...

    It just makes no damn sense. I'm turning to this network because the name of it implied what sort of entertainment might be available.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  20. #120
    Stegodon
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    Dear beloved sister of mine,

    Look, you married an asshole. Everyone gets that but you. You go ahead and cling with both hands to your pathetic dreams that maybe someday he'll do half the things he says he can do, you pitiful codependent thing. The rest of us will endure, as we always have, because while we'd like to make you face the consequences of your own poor choices, when push comes to shove, you're family and we'll continually step in to help when you're suffering.

    More specifically, my friend gave you a generous gift of a vehicle, since having only one greatly complicates your lives. It's not the newest shiniest thing on the road, true, but it's a decent dependable vehicle that could be used for your work commute handily. All that's required is one inexpensive repair, and of course plating and insuring it. You make a good living, there's no good reason why this vehicle is still in my driveway nearly two months later. You're paying someone to take you back and forth to work each week, for fuck's sake! You walked away from your mortgage a few months back, since you didn't have a house payment for months in anticipation, how can you not have the couple hundred bucks to put it on the road!?

    Gah!
    Science flies you to the moon; religion flies you into buildings.

  21. #121
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Wow, Queen, I had to stop and remember that you lived in Detroit. My wife gave our old car to a friend of a friend a few months ago, and what a pain. Helping out people who would rather be fucked up is pointless.

    Oh, and while I'm here: BILLIARDS AND DARTS AREN'T DAMN SPORTS EITHER! NOTHING YOU CAN DO WHILE DRINKING A BEER OR EATING A SANDWICH IS A DAMN SPORT!

  22. #122
    Curmudgeon OtakuLoki's avatar
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    Look, you're on a secondary, local access road. You're either here because you're a local, or because you're looking for a specific address. I'll give a bye for the out-of-towners, reluctantly. But what the fuck is up with you morons who have to be in the left lane on East Ave, as it passes Allen's Creek Road? Sure, the left lane is no longer a left turn only lane, but still at least 30-50% of the people who reach the intersection in that lane will be turning left there. Whether they've signaled their intention in advance or not. (Which is another rant.) It happens every fucking day on this road. If you want to go through the intersection quickly, you get into the right hand lane, like I have been in. No matter that I'll have to move over to the left lane to go straight through the East/Linden intersection 300 feet down the road.

    What the fuck is up with your goddamned, signaless, panic swerves into my travel lane? Especially when you lack the ability to check for oncoming traffic? If this were happening just once in a while, I wouldn't be quite so peeved, but you lousy, microencephalitic, syphilitic morons can't seem to learn.
    Last edited by OtakuLoki; 23 Oct 2010 at 04:59 PM.

  23. #123
    Confused Box Guy fachverwirrt's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday View post
    NOTHING YOU CAN DO WHILE DRINKING A BEER OR EATING A SANDWICH IS A DAMN SPORT!
    Yeah! Once I turned on ESPN and they had baseball on!

  24. #124
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by fachverwirrt View post
    Quote Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday View post
    NOTHING YOU CAN DO WHILE DRINKING A BEER OR EATING A SANDWICH IS A DAMN SPORT!
    Yeah! Once I turned on ESPN and they had baseball on!
    Heh, I know, but show me a guy who can play the hot corner with a pint in his hand, and I'll withdraw my comments.

  25. #125
    Confused Box Guy fachverwirrt's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday View post
    Quote Originally posted by fachverwirrt View post
    Quote Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday View post
    NOTHING YOU CAN DO WHILE DRINKING A BEER OR EATING A SANDWICH IS A DAMN SPORT!
    Yeah! Once I turned on ESPN and they had baseball on!
    Heh, I know, but show me a guy who can play the hot corner with a pint in his hand, and I'll withdraw my comments.
    Well, not in his hand (you need both to catch and throw*), but I'm sure someone somewhere has played third with a beer hat on.

    *Unless you're Jim Abbott.

  26. #126
    Happy New Year! Trojan Man's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday View post
    NOTHING YOU CAN DO WHILE DRINKING A BEER OR EATING A SANDWICH IS A DAMN SPORT!
    Wow. You really haven't been to Aussieland, have you?

  27. #127
    Happy New Year! Trojan Man's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Rube E. Tewesday View post
    NOTHING YOU CAN DO WHILE DRINKING A BEER OR EATING A SANDWICH IS A DAMN SPORT!
    Wow. You really haven't been to Aussieland, have you?

  28. #128
    A Dude Peeta Mellark's avatar
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    Do not listen in preparation of responding. Listen to understand. It's very, very obvious when you do the former instead of the latter, because then I get a response that's latching onto something you can stupidly relate back to you and has nothing to do with what I was actually saying.

    Stop that. If you want to communicate, it has to go both ways and you have to fucking listen.

  29. #129
    Happy New Year! Trojan Man's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Peeta Mellark View post
    Do not listen in preparation of responding. Listen to understand. It's very, very obvious when you do the f...
    Do the fish? Why are you talking about fish?!

  30. #130
    Administrator CatInASuit's avatar
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    To the guy with the alarm on his blackberry that went off for a solid five minutes. You knew it was you, you annoyed everyone in the carriage with its constant bleeping.

    Idiot. Probably a highly-paid idiot, but still an idiot.
    In the land of the blind, the one-arm man is king.

  31. #131
    like Gandalf in a way Nrblex's avatar
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    Gawker: I didn't need to know what Christine O'Donnell's genitalia looks like. You claim you're uncovering hypocrisy, yet I note no male candidate who condemns premarrital sex has ever had his drunken makeouts posted all over the Internet. She told the guy she wouldn't have sex with him and she didn't. You just look nasty and sexist for holding her to a standard no conservative male candidate is held to and you don't even realize it. Thanks for making Crazy Pants look sympathetic, you dickholes.

  32. #132
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    I think the story was worth publishing. Largely because it inspired this parody:

    I Got Blueballed by This Famous-Ass Chick, Yo

    So these wasted chicks walk in, and it's like, obviously they wanna blow the shit out of everyone there. The famous chick was dressed like a ladybug, and ladybugs are horny as all fuck, yo. Everyone knows that.
    But this chick was like, DRESS UP SO WE CAN GET DRUNK WITH YOU AND DO YOU. And I had a boy scout's uniform in my closet because it's cool to have a boy scout uniform hanging around in your closet, not like, because I'm a weird pervert or anything like that. I know what you're thinking and it's not like that, even though my father's like WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT LITTLE BOY'S SHIRT IN YOUR CLOSET? every time he's comes with mom to bring me detergent and I'm like, bro, Dad, it's not like that and I don't know why he'd think that but he does.
    And then she ended up doing my roommate and dating him for a bit, because he's a piece of shit, is why. And don't ask me if I'm bitter because you already know the answer to that question, because you're smart enough to read this blog website. NO, I'M NOT BITTER MY ROOMMATE DIDN'T GET BLUEBALLED BY THIS FAMOUS BITCH AND DATED HER. Obviously.

    Anyway, because I'm a good guy, and she's like super famous now, I'm telling this story for everyone to know about her, for the public good. Sure I made some money from it but whatevs, yo, it's for YOU, it's something YOU need to know when you go see her movies.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  33. #133
    Happy New Year! Trojan Man's avatar
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    Jaegermeister, don't act all chummy with me, like we're friends, just to turn on me the morning after. Not cool.

  34. #134
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    Local radio station, don't bang on about alopecia and gall stones while I'm eating breakfast. There are already too many hypochondriacs here and you're freaking them out, and putting me off my food.

  35. #135
    Stegodon kk fusion's avatar
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    I just love it when people who pray to gods tell me to "grow up"!

  36. #136
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    May you trip and stub your toe in the morning and spill your coffee all over your shirt. And I hope it's a good shirt, too. And maybe you bend your toenail backwards inside your shoe and it bleeds a little. And then I hope you're late for work and your boss yells at you and you go hide in the bathroom to CRY. Yeah, that's the kind of day you deserve.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  37. #137
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    You know, when you run a restaurant, and you only have two people working at the counter in the first place, having one of them go on break at lunch time probably isn't a great idea.

    Just sayin'.

  38. #138
    Curmudgeon OtakuLoki's avatar
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    Attention CNN: Your Headline News is supposed to be about major news stories of the day, and since you're based in the US, I expect your stories to be focused most upon things that will actually affect the United States.

    So why the FUCK are you spending so much goddamned airtime telling us that Prince William has gotten engaged, what the wedding will have to live up, and that he and his fiancee are living some kind of fairy tale. (Which trope worked out so fucking well for his mother.)

    It's not even like there isn't important shit going on today in the US. Rep. Rangel getting the ethics committee censure is pretty big, and going to affect Americans a lot more than the latest in the Brit Royals soap opera.

    Pretend you're a fucking news outlet, not an advertising revenue machine. Fuckers.

  39. #139
    Oliphaunt
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    Dear plants of northern California: It's November. Stop Fucking Blooming. I would like to exist for some small portion of the year without nasal allergies. You all suck forever.

  40. #140
    Curmudgeon OtakuLoki's avatar
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    Okay, this is getting annoying. Every time I connect my Reader to my computer to recharge the battery, Windows pops up with a window telling me "This device can be faster if connected to a USB 2.0 port. (Click here for details.)"

    Which is really fucking annoying since my computer has no USB 2.0 ports. Thank you, Microsquish.

  41. #141
    Administrator CatInASuit's avatar
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    Dear lady on the train. I understand you want to get to work, but there is no room for you to get on and shouting "Please move down" when there is no space and then trying to shoulder barge on is an exercise in futility, gives those of us by the door bruises and a hatred for annoying commuters.
    In the land of the blind, the one-arm man is king.

  42. #142
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by CatInASuit View post
    Dear lady on the train. I understand you want to get to work, but there is no room for you to get on and shouting "Please move down" when there is no space and then trying to shoulder barge on is an exercise in futility, gives those of us by the door bruises and a hatred for annoying commuters.
    Yeah, I know the annoyance that comes when the train is packed by the door but there's plenty of empty space that people are too stupid to move into, but the characters who insist that that's the case when their own eyes should show them that the train is, in fact full, are annoying indeed.

  43. #143
    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
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    Dear Facebook friends. Please stop posting half-assed, ranting, idiotic political screeds as your statuses. I get that you are passionate and believe that half the country is your enemy. You've made that abundantly clear. You can stop now. Seriously.

  44. #144
    Administrator CatInASuit's avatar
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    Oh great, in another sign of rampant commercialism and americanisation, Amazon is trying to import Black Friday to the UK.

    It's just not gong to work in the same way.
    In the land of the blind, the one-arm man is king.

  45. #145
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
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    I want a tattoo that says "Being old is not an excuse to not know things." If I have one more person act like touching the "Shop" icon to shop for books only makes sense to me because they think I'm younger than I am, I think I might start wadding up flyers and throwing them at people.
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  46. #146
    Curmudgeon OtakuLoki's avatar
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    Mar 2009
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    Rochester, NY
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    Default

    Mother, walking out while mumbling something you expect me to hear is childish, and unacceptable.

  47. #147
    Oliphaunt
    Registered
    Feb 2009
    Posts
    5,170

    Angry

    OY. INTERNET-DATE GUY.

    It is obvious that you are painfully shy. That is OK, I am too. But we seem to have a lot in common, and, wonder of wonders, you don't creep me out.

    I CANNOT KISS YOU ON THE TRAIN. It is in public, and brightly lit, and I'm just too Lutheran for that. IF YOU HAD OFFERED TO WALK ME HOME, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY FOR SNOGGING.

    IN THE FUTURE, PLEASE TAKE SOME INITIATIVE.

    ... I should have asked him to walk me home. I am a doofus too.

  48. #148
    A Groupie Marsilia's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2009
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    Mississippi
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    1,988

    Default

    Dear Simple Dog,

    There are times, dear puppy, when I will have to leave you outside for several hours at a time. Some of those times, school will be in session. Those little kids cannot be your new friends. Their teachers are the ones who call the doggy cops to come lock you up. So, in conclusion, please refrain from digging under the gate when I leave you outside for more than five minutes. I can't afford to bail you out all the time.
    So, I'll whisper in the dark, hoping you'll hear me.

  49. #149
    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
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    Mar 2009
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    Chicagoland
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    Default

    Quote Originally posted by OtakuLoki View post
    Mother, walking out while mumbling something you expect me to hear is childish, and unacceptable.
    Oh dear god, mothers. My mom does this thing where she starts to say something, then quickly stops and sometimes even says something like, "no I won't say it." Thanks mom, now not only do I know I was about to be criticized, but now I don't even know what for. That is not better, that is worse.

  50. #150
    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
    Registered
    Mar 2009
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    Chicagoland
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    5,889

    Default

    Quote Originally posted by Orual View post
    OY. INTERNET-DATE GUY.

    It is obvious that you are painfully shy. That is OK, I am too. But we seem to have a lot in common, and, wonder of wonders, you don't creep me out.

    I CANNOT KISS YOU ON THE TRAIN. It is in public, and brightly lit, and I'm just too Lutheran for that. IF YOU HAD OFFERED TO WALK ME HOME, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN EXCELLENT OPPORTUNITY FOR SNOGGING.

    IN THE FUTURE, PLEASE TAKE SOME INITIATIVE.

    ... I should have asked him to walk me home. I am a doofus too.
    Yeah, sorry, no kissing on the train. I don't even kiss my husband on the train.

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