How To Drive In New Jersey.

[What Exit?]

I had fun with a similar thread on the Dope, so with no further ado, the first 12 rules. Please add your own or those for your state, city or area.

1. First, you must learn how to pronounce Newark....It is New-erk, not New-ark.
(Actually, it's pronounced 'NORK'.)

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3. The minimum acceptable speed on the turnpike is 85 mph. On the Garden State Parkway it's 105 or 110. Anything less is considered 'Wussy.'

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Jersey has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in Monmouth County , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6. Never honk at anyone. EVER. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of Jersey . Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit "more exciting".

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the homeless feeding on any of these items.

9. Mapquest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do. And all the Turnpike EZ pass lanes are moved each night once again to make your ride more exciting.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated.'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday, and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

Follow these simple tips and you should make it through the day alive in New Jersey...

[Inner Stickler]

Rules for Minnesota

1. It's called snow. However, a light dusting of powder on the road does not mean that you should creep at 5 miles an hour. Fuckstick.

[What Exit?]

Rules for Minnesota

1. It's called snow. However, a light dusting of powder on the road does not mean that you should creep at 5 miles an hour. Fuckstick.

We get both in Jersey. We get the SUVs trying to do 75 in the barely plowed fast line and the ninnies that slow to 35 in a light dusting.

[Angua]

How to drive in Huntsville, AL

1. Turn signals are prohibited by law. To turn, simply cut up the person in front of you and turn.
2. If you're driving on Memorial Parkway out of rush hour, drive at a normal speed for a freeway. If its rush hour, slow down to 30 mph.
3. Stop signs are for wusses.
4. University Drive has no rules.
5. At night, drive with full beams on at all times. No it doesn't matter if you're downtown, its dark out.

[Count Blucher]

Rule # 4 needs to be amended. BWMs & Mercedes who are accelerating loudly and show no brake lights have the right of way, no matter who has the stop sign. Remember: they bought the road at the Dealership.

Also, where's the part about "you must be cut off at least once each day by an un-insured pick-up truck with tools flying off the back and a cheesy logo like 'Eddies Construction' half peeling off the sides. Said truck must be doing 90+ at the time or it doesn't count." ?

[What Exit?]

True Count, true.

Rule #13, our billionaire Governor should sit in the front seat without his seat belt and have his driver drive 85+ as he is running late and then call the other candidate a scoff law. (Well they both are, but still)

[Count Blucher]

True Count, true.

Rule #13, our billionaire Governor should sit in the front seat without his seat belt and have his driver drive 85+ as he is running late and then call the other candidate a scoff law. (Well they both are, but still)

Can't we just lash them both to the front bumper of trucks on the Turnpike until Election Day? I'd Still rather have Cody than either of them...

[Chicken Toes]

1. First, you must learn how to pronounce Newark....It is New-erk, not New-ark.
(Actually, it's pronounced 'NORK'.)

The one in Delaware is pronounced 'New-Ark.'
Just so's you know.

[pepperlandgirl]

1) There are two driving seasons in Utah--Snow and Construction.

2) You see those lanes to the far right? The ones with the arrows? And also the lanes in the middle with arrows? Ignore them. While they're useful in other states, nobody in Utah knows what they're for, and you could get yourself killed if you try to use a turning lane properly.

3) Yellow means GO FASTER. If you are within 10 feet of the intersection when the light turns red, you can still feel free to go through.

4) The speed limit is 65, but feel free to drop down to 45. Nobody in Utah ever has anywhere to be anyway.

5) If you are driving by Temple Square, you're in no way obligated to pay attention to the road. Feel free to gawk at the Temple or the people or anything else that catches your attention!

[What Exit?]

Can't we just lash them both to the front bumper of trucks on the Turnpike until Election Day? I'd Still rather have Cody than either of them...

Cody would be a much better choice.

The one in Delaware is pronounced 'New-Ark.'
Just so's you know.

We know.

3) Yellow means GO FASTER. If you are within 10 feet of the intersection when the light turns red, you can still feel free to go through.

That is most states. More accidents in NJ are probably caused by the rare bird that stops for the yellow that those that are going through as it turns red.

[Taumpy]

Driving in the Boston metro area:

- You will never make a left hand turn until you learn to slowly inch out into traffic until you're blocking the other side. You have to use the power of positive thinking to get the other drivers to stop, even then.
- At various times and places I-95, I-93, and Rt 128 overlap and are the same roads see here. If you expect the road signs to help you out, you will be disappointed. And lost.
- Learn to love the rotary. We have lots.

[Sarahfeena]

In Chicago, interstates that actually go north and south are labeled east & west. Don't question it, just go with it.

[Boozahol Squid, P.I.]

Driving in the Boston metro area:

- You will never make a left hand turn until you learn to slowly inch out into traffic until you're blocking the other side. You have to use the power of positive thinking to get the other drivers to stop, even then.
- At various times and places I-95, I-93, and Rt 128 overlap and are the same roads see here. If you expect the road signs to help you out, you will be disappointed. And lost.
- Learn to love the rotary. We have lots.

Also:

-Those signs on Storrow Drive that say "No Trucks"? They're not there to be pretty, they're there to inform your college freshman ass in a moving truck to take a different route. Low bridges and big trucks don't mix.
- North of the Charles, pedestrians obey Walk/Don't Walk signs. In Boston proper, you're surrounded by lemmings.
- If you get upset by being called 'asshole' by a 85 year old grandmother passing you on the right, at night and in the rain... there's always the T.