Ask the gay female-to-male transsexual

[Nrblex]

Your "ask the" threads intrigued me, so I decided to make one of my own.

First off--I identify as a man, though God slapped me with the double X. Yes, I am also attracted to men. Yes, I suppose life would be easier if I was a straight woman, wouldn't it? But, joke's on me: before coming to terms with my gender identity I considered myself a dyke.

I'm pretty open to answering just about anything somebody wants to ask. Only a few things (asking after the name I was given at birth, obviously hateful or transphobic questions) will be ignored. Otherwise I'm an open book.

[Sleeps w/Butterflies]

When were you sure you were male? Who did you tell first and how did they respond?

Thanks for doing this thread. I have lots of questions because I want to understand as much as I can.

[Nrblex]

When were you sure you were male? Who did you tell first and how did they respond?

Thanks for doing this thread. I have lots of questions because I want to understand as much as I can.

I "felt" male from my earliest memories. The whole "trapped in the wrong body" thing isn't right and kind of sounds--to me at least--like something someone cisgendered (a person who identifies with their recognized sex) would come up with, to try to make sense of it. This is absolutely my body and an extension of who I am. It's just...wrong. I can remember being a toddler and feeling as though my penis had been "stolen" from me or something.

But when was I sure? I don't really know, to be honest. It kind of crept up on me, becoming something I was more and more in need of facing and dealing with until it got to the point where I realized if I didn't do SOMETHING I was probably going to kill myself. I did some stupid, self-destructive things during that period, because just going to a shrink or something would have made too much sense.

The first person I told was one of my best friends. I was extremely drunk, rambling on about sex and men versus women and finally just blurted it out. IIRC, his response was pretty much, "Yeah, and?" Apparently, it wasn't much of a surprise.

[Exy]

I have the impression most FTMs don't actually ever get a penis surgically created since the results aren't that great. Is that still true nowadays? And do you have any intention of having that done?

[Myrnalene]

But, joke's on me: before coming to terms with my gender identity I considered myself a dyke.

So, you thought you were attracted to women? Or were you just going along with the societal stereotypes of what a lesbian is? i.e., if I do not feel "feminine" I must be a dyke? How much of a shift was it to come to terms with the fact that you liked peen, was it concurrent with coming to terms with your identity?

[Nrblex]

I have the impression most FTMs don't actually ever get a penis surgically created since the results aren't that great. Is that still true nowadays? And do you have any intention of having that done?

The potential surgical outcomes are...less than desirable. There are two basic techniques used:

The testosterone makes the clitoris grow--how much depends on each guy's own genetic lottery--and you can have a surgery to "free" it from where it is so that you end up with a sexually functional but very, very small "penis".

The other technique is to use flesh from some other part of the body and basically roll it up to make a flesh tube. Rods or pumps can then be used to get it erect. Some surgeons claim they can get sexual sensation on your flesh tube by incorporating the nerves from the clitoris, but I like orgasms too much to take any risk there.

There's hope that at some point in the future (like 2025 we're talking, no time soon) there might be tissue engineering techniques that could basically grow a functional, sensate penis.

Until such a time as THAT bit of sci-fi is possible, I'm not having any "down there" surgery. Yeah, I hate how it all looks in the region, but at least with how it is now I've got a lot of prosthetic options.

[Nrblex]

So, you thought you were attracted to women? Or were you just going along with the societal stereotypes of what a lesbian is? i.e., if I do not feel "feminine" I must be a dyke? How much of a shift was it to come to terms with the fact that you liked peen, was it concurrent with coming to terms with your identity?

Oh, I was attracted to women and I still am, just not as much as I am to men. I identify as gay because my primary attraction is to men and I have no real desire to partake in a straight relationship as a man. I did my time with girls, I had fun, but it's not really where my strongest desires are.

I pushed myself towards women for a long time because on some level I felt like I was supposed to like women. Even if I was outwardly female to the rest of the world, I was feeling some weird little societal pressure inside my head to be a straight man. Plus--this is possibly TMI--there is a lot more freedom to be "butch" and be able to penetrate your partner in various ways when you're in a lesbian relationship. Sex with a straight guy--and pre-transition I wasn't attracting any gay ones--just heightened my gender dysphoria because he wanted to focus on everything soft and feminine and girlish about me. It was playing into everything I hated about myself.

[Nrblex]

I hope it's not breaking some rule to triple post here, but I just realized I left something out in that last post: my experience is not entirely uncommon among FtMs. A lot of guys find themselves developing a stronger attraction for men during transition. Whether it's the hormones or more comfort with themselves, I don't know, but it happens relatively frequently. For some it's just a passing "I want to play with a biopeen" fancy, while for others it becomes part of their identity.

[Harlequin]

Biopeen?

[ivan astikov]

Do you throw your socks and underwear in a corner, or do you fold them up neatly?

[Guizmeaux]

Biopeen?

At a guess; "A real penis rather than a dildo".

This subject is very confusing to me. My own questions, if I may;

1) In feeling like a man, do you tend toward male posture and gestures?

2) Are you physically, (shoulders, hips and whatnot) more masculine than feminine?

[Nrblex]

Biopeen?

Heh. Just a tongue in cheek reference to that what cisguys have in their pants. I'm really awful about being politically correct, even when it's allegedly for my own benefit.

Do you throw your socks and underwear in a corner, or do you fold them up neatly?

I'm a pig. They're scattered across my bed and floor. I rifle through the piles to find them.

1) In feeling like a man, do you tend toward male posture and gestures?

2) Are you physically, (shoulders, hips and whatnot) more masculine than feminine?

1) I do. Some I've had to learn because there are all sorts of "cues" that you pick up being socialized as female that you don't even realize you're doing. A lot of it was already there, though. Even before transitioning and with long hair I'd sometimes get called "sir" in public. I assume this was a combination of body language and a somewhat masculine look despite the female gender cues. More on this below.

2) At this point I've got some "curve" to my hips that keeps my jeans from riding as low as I'd like. Not much, though, and to most I'm probably built kind of like a teenage boy. I've got muscle, but no great mass. I'm slightly under average size for a white American male I think; 5'9" and 155lbs, shoulders that never quite fit into women's shirts back when I wore them unless I got giant shirts, 38" ribcage to give you an idea. Due to having wacked out hormones anyway I had a "happy trail" and small amount of chest and facial hair since I was a teenager, before transitioning. I'm just at the beginning now, but I have high hopes for manly fuzziness.

[Guizmeaux]

Thank you, Nrblex. It actually sounds like your physiology was always in tune with what you always felt anyway.

Do you have a clear idea of your endgame at this point? Ignoring your sci-fi penis reference (above) and working within what's possible now, what do you want to cement as your sexuality?

Also: A "happy trail"? is that pubic hair that extends north of where it would normally be on a woman?

[Exy]

I have high hopes for manly fuzziness.

Yeah it's actually more trouble than it's worth.

Also: A "happy trail"? is that pubic hair that extends north of where it would normally be on a woman?

It's that line of hair from belly-button height or so down to pubis. "Treasure trail" is another slang term for the same thing.

[Exy]

Here is an entirely gratuitous photo of David Beckham shirtless, which shows his happy trail:

[Guizmeaux]

Thanks Exy. Around here that's only ever referred to in an offensive way. It's called the crab ladder.

[Exy]

It's called the crab ladder.

Ha ha ha, that's awesome, I've never heard that before.

[Nrblex]

Thanks for the questions and keep 'em coming. I do so love talking about myself.

Do you have a clear idea of your endgame at this point? Ignoring your sci-fi penis reference (above) and working within what's possible now, what do you want to cement as your sexuality?

Right now, my goals are to get a much more masculine appearance from the testosterone so that I always pass instead of just most of the time, have my "top surgery" so I can stop binding my chest, get my sex legally changed, and basically be my own bad self. Since the various genital surgeries don't really appeal, I'll simply have to make due with things like stand-to-pee packers and such.

Oh, and getting to the point where I'm not constantly waffling back and forth between I WANT TO KILL SOMETHING and I WANT TO FUCK SOMETHING would be good. Wow.

Yeah it's actually more trouble than it's worth.

Yeah, probably, but not looking like an adolescent boy would be nice.

[Exy]

so I can stop binding my chest

Oh shit why didn't I think to ask about this? What do you use? How well does it work? Is it painful to squish your boobs like that?

And how about your voice? Do hormones cause the voice to deepen? I have some MTF friends and I know that estrogens won't undo the masculinizing (that's not a word, is it?) of the voice that happens in puberty. But does testosterone treatment cause the voice to change in FTMs?

[jali]

Are your family and friends supportive?

Are you in counseling?

[Nrblex]

Oh shit why didn't I think to ask about this? What do you use? How well does it work? Is it painful to squish your boobs like that?

And how about your voice? Do hormones cause the voice to deepen? I have some MTF friends and I know that estrogens won't undo the masculinizing (that's not a word, is it?) of the voice that happens in puberty. But does testosterone treatment cause the voice to change in FTMs?

I use an Underworks Double Front Panel Compression Shirt, and it works amazingly well. Since I do have a broad chest the little bump that's left just looks like pecs. It's a pain in the ass to get it on, but once it's on it's pretty surprisingly comfy. I think it works pretty good. My chest does ache a little after I take it off, though.

With most FtMs they do have their voices change just like any other guy going through puberty. Testosterone is kind of like the super hormone and just bulldozes right over everything else. My voice is probably on par with that of a sixteen year old boy or so right now.

Are your family and friends supportive?

Are you in counseling?

My friends are mostly supportive. Some of them don't get it--one friend asked if she could keep calling me by my old name and she keeps wanting to talk chick stuff as though it'll draw me into womanhood--but most of them ask questions when they don't understand and are pretty cool. My male friends have all accepted me as one of the guys, as near as I can tell.

My family...well. Things haven't been so easy with them. I can't fathom the balls it must take to be one of those guys who comes out as a teenager when he's at his parents' mercy.

I am seeing a therapist, and it's good. In a lot of weird ways it's kind of like mourning someone's death. The chick-me that everyone knew never really existed, but I kind of feel like I'm letting this imaginary person die even so, to make way for the real me. There's guilt and sadness because of that, as though I'm being an asshole by not keeping the facade up for everyone else's sake.

[jali]

I'm glad you have pretty cool friends.

I don't have experience with a female to male transsexual (as far as I know) friend, but in my early years, I had a group of male to female pre-surgery girlfriends who made their own family since their DNA relatives rejected them.

If you're in Atlanta, we need to go to lunch and talk! :wink:

[vison]

Thanks for this thread.

[Hatshepsut]

Assuming that you would like to have one, what do you think your chances are for having a fulfilling, long-term romantic/sexual relationship? I assume that your ideal partner (for either a short-term fling or something more committed) is a gay or bi man, is that right? Are gay or bi men interested in having sex with you, or is it reasonable to assume that they will when your transition is complete? Are you currently sexually active (and if so with whom), and if so is your sex life satisfying?

I don't think questions get much more personal than that, and I hope you don't mind my asking.

[Harlequin]

Assuming that you would like to have one, what do you think your chances are for having a fulfilling, long-term romantic/sexual relationship? I assume that your ideal partner (for either a short-term fling or something more committed) is a gay or bi man, is that right? Are gay or bi men interested in having sex with you, or is it reasonable to assume that they will when your transition is complete?

As an addendum to the above, how would you feel about a female-to-male transsexual partner?

Also, and I don't mean to be repetitive, but "cisguy"? I can figure out what it means, but where does the word come from?

[Feirefiz]

Also, and I don't mean to be repetitive, but "cisguy"? I can figure out what it means, but where does the word come from?

It's simply a latin prefix that means the opposite of trans-.

For example in the prefix was used in a geographic context when the Romans distinguished between:

gallia cisalpina - this-side-of-the-alps gaul (i.e. modern northern italy) and
gallia transalpina - beyond-the-alps gaul (i.e. modern france)

[prr]

Also: Cis guy's in love with you.

And: Judy in Cisguys.

And: 'scuse me while I kiss cisguys.

[OneCentStamp]

And: Judy in Cisguys.

...with glasses?

[Nrblex]

Assuming that you would like to have one, what do you think your chances are for having a fulfilling, long-term romantic/sexual relationship? I assume that your ideal partner (for either a short-term fling or something more committed) is a gay or bi man, is that right? Are gay or bi men interested in having sex with you, or is it reasonable to assume that they will when your transition is complete? Are you currently sexually active (and if so with whom), and if so is your sex life satisfying?

I don't think questions get much more personal than that, and I hope you don't mind my asking.

Lots of transguys have partners, so I'd imagine my chances of finding one are about the same as they'd be for anyone else. Now, hooking up with some random guy in a gay bar might not work out so well and I know there are plenty of people out there (yes, even GLB people) who'd never touch someone who was trans, but there are always options. And, yes, my sexual preference is for gay or bisexual men though I do retain some attraction to women. It's just not as strong as it used to be since I started transitioning.

Right now, I'm not sexually active with anyone but myself. And, no, it's not satisfying. I've never been more frustrated in my life. My libido has gone through the roof.

As an addendum to the above, how would you feel about a female-to-male transsexual partner?

Also, and I don't mean to be repetitive, but "cisguy"? I can figure out what it means, but where does the word come from?

A FtM partner woud be cool. We'd have some shared experiences and it's not like I'd have to worry about him not understanding my gender identity.

Feirefiz already touched on this, but it is Latin meaning "on the same side." For instance, cis fat versus trans fat. A cisguy remains with his genetic sex and is not trans.

[Exy]

Right now, I'm not sexually active with anyone but myself. And, no, it's not satisfying. I've never been more frustrated in my life. My libido has gone through the roof.

Ha ha ha, welcome to testosterone!

[Nrblex]

Ha ha ha, welcome to testosterone!

This is bad enough going through this in my twenties. I can't fathom how you survive it in your early teens!

[spoilerge37yd7]I was joking with a friend of mine about putting a hole in my punching bag so I can handle the must kill/must hump drives at the same time.[/spoilerge37yd7]

[Exy]

This is bad enough going through this in my twenties. I can't fathom how you survive it in your early teens!

Well I masturbated a lot.

I have no idea what teenage boys did before National Geographic. It must have been awful.

[Nrblex]

Well I masturbated a lot.

I have no idea what teenage boys did before National Geographic. It must have been awful.

They probably developed an avid interest in classical paintings. Or, if their interest was for other boys, swimming.

[Glazer]

Oh, and getting to the point where I'm not constantly waffling back and forth between I WANT TO KILL SOMETHING and I WANT TO FUCK SOMETHING would be good. Wow.

Ummm sorry to be the one to tell you but:

Ha ha ha, welcome to testosterone!

This is what cismen always feel like.

[Sleeps w/Butterflies]

The compression shirt sounds like it works for you for now. Can you see yourself having your breasts removed at some point?

I'm glad you have a therapist, and I can see why it would feel like mourning. Even though you never felt "girly" being raised by your parents as a female is part of your growing-up period and part of who you are. Like you, I can't imagine how hard it has to be for teenagers to have these talks with their parents, but I am hoping VERY MUCH that things are getting better as people talk about it more.

I am so glad you're doing this thread.

[Nrblex]

The compression shirt sounds like it works for you for now. Can you see yourself having your breasts removed at some point?

I'm glad you have a therapist, and I can see why it would feel like mourning. Even though you never felt "girly" being raised by your parents as a female is part of your growing-up period and part of who you are. Like you, I can't imagine how hard it has to be for teenagers to have these talks with their parents, but I am hoping VERY MUCH that things are getting better as people talk about it more.

I am so glad you're doing this thread.

I'm planning on having a mastectomy later, when I can afford it. It's really nerve-wracking to consider, though. I'm a bit nervous about any sort of surgery, but one that will cause such a permanent change to my body in particular. I absolutely want that flat, masculine chest, but it's still...a really, really big step.

And thanks, I'm very glad that everybody's asked such great questions and been interested. I hadn't been sure if the thread would turn into a lot of jokes at my expense or questions about whether or not I'm crazy. You've all pleasantly surprised me.

[Taumpy]

Nrblex, I'm glad you're doing this thread too, and I want to thank you for it. I thought about doing a similar one myself, but was too chickenshit.

[Sarahfeena]

Yes, thanks from me, too, Nrblex. Great thread.