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Thread: Women and violence

  1. #101
    Stegodon Jaglavak's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    McN got it right, the girls who smacked me are now ex's. It's not like it has happened to me a lot. I can recall two incidents.

    One was a girl who had a pattern of verbal and physical abuse including throwing things and breaking windows. I knew up front she had a temper but I had no idea how bad. I took far more from her than I should have out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

    The other time was from a girl I shacked up with for nearly a decade who didn't seem to have a violent bone in her body. So even after a difficult argument, her backhand caught me totally by surprise. But she was instantly mortified and it was a one-time thing. We ended up dating for several more years and still chat once in awhile.

  2. #102
    אני אוהב יהודים!
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Thanks for answering. Might I ask a few more?

    On the first girl who did it more than once, did she hit you fairly soon in your relationship? Did she have to be really mad to do it or was it something she did often? Did she ever draw blood?


    *Disclaimer for the offenderatti: Of course none of this is my business and you don't have to answer and I am in no way saying that women should hit men as long a they don't draw blood

  3. #103
    Oliphaunt dread pirate jimbo's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Quote Originally posted by Jaglavak
    Excellent train wreck! People always get so spun up about these things.

    But getting back to the OP, the issue doesn't seem all that real to me. I'm no ninja but I am handy with weapons and depressingly familiar with combat. I'm also roughly twice the size and four times the strength of an average woman. To put that in perspective, imagine going up against a 400 lb gorilla who can dead lift half a ton.

    So yes I have been slapped and kicked by soon-to-be-ex's before. But I've never felt the need to hit back. Seriously; if I'm awake there's very little a woman can do to me without weapons. The only way she is going to physically abuse me is if I let her.

    In reality I've suffered far more from heartless words. And that too only goes on as long as I allow it.
    Quote Originally posted by Jaglavak
    McN got it right, the girls who smacked me are now ex's. It's not like it has happened to me a lot. I can recall two incidents.

    One was a girl who had a pattern of verbal and physical abuse including throwing things and breaking windows. I knew up front she had a temper but I had no idea how bad. I took far more from her than I should have out of a misplaced sense of loyalty.

    The other time was from a girl I shacked up with for nearly a decade who didn't seem to have a violent bone in her body. So even after a difficult argument, her backhand caught me totally by surprise. But she was instantly mortified and it was a one-time thing. We ended up dating for several more years and still chat once in awhile.
    Your story features some elements that I find very familiar. It kinda sounds like you got out of your relationship with the woman with the temper a lot quicker than I got out of my bad relationship -- I did four years, also in part out of a misplaced sense of loyalty. Like you (but certainly not to the same extent), I never really felt that I was in mortal danger with that girl -- I always knew that if I absolutely had to, I could get the pot or the clock or the displaced piece of door stop with nails sticking out of it away from her and neutralize her. But I didn't, because I was taught to never hit a woman, no matter what. And then, after an attack, her words would have me apologizing for what I did to precipitate the incident and I'd tippy toe around for a while more until the next time. It took me four years to finally get out of that and, since then, have learned not to allow bullies or psychos lacking the ability to control their emotions or their own actions to push me around. I either turn the other cheek and walk away (which is most of the time) or I dig my heels in, stand my ground, and refuse to be budged.

    That relationship -- thankfully the only one where I've had to deal with abuse -- started up well enough. The crap began showing up in tiny little bits and pieces; an insult here, a brow-beating there, a not-so-playful shove, and so on up the line to fists and/or anything handy to grab and strike with; I think we were a little over a year in the first time I got slapped across the face. In the beginning, I think it was probably so gradual that I didn't even see what was going on. Then I woke up one day and realized I was a prisoner in my own life with no idea how to get out. Naturally, this was the absolute low point of my life and everything seemed to be going for shit all at the same time, which no doubt made me a much easier target.

    The abuse tended to go in cycles, but not in any predictable way. When she was on the depressive side of her bipolar cycle, she tended to be very meek and needy, constantly requiring attention or inconsolably sad. When she went manic, it was like a thunderstorm of uncontrolled rage aimed at me; loud, intense, scary, unpredictable, and usually violent. And then, after an hour or two or three, when she was too exhausted to continue raging, it would be over. Over time, the storms got steadily worse and more frequent.

    She drew blood with a punch to the mouth shortly after the first slap and again when she threw a pint of beer at me in a pub when I went out to visit with a friend while she was at work and she came home early. And when she got me with the piece of door stop. And so on. And then, between her having me arrested for getting beaten again and her moving to California, I finally began to get my life straightened back out. It took a lot to snap me out of it, but once that happened I could see with very clearly what I had been allowing to happen and was able to resolve to not let it happen again. I feel much better now.
    Hell is other people.

  4. #104
    Stegodon Jaglavak's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Quote Originally posted by Sleeps w/Butterflies
    On the first girl who did it more than once, did she hit you fairly soon in your relationship? Did she have to be really mad to do it or was it something she did often? Did she ever draw blood?

    No, we dated for over a year before her first blowup. Always the same. A disagreement would occasionally escalate to an argument. Once in a blue moon the argument would degenerate to a shouting match. She'd lose it and start throwing stuff. But never at me, just around the room. I'd stop her from punching out a window, she'd thrash around and curse me until she was tired, then the show was over. I didn't know what to make of it. After every time I swore I'd dump her, but I was young and dumb and she was an astounding lay.

    The one time she actually smacked me wasn't exactly my proudest moment either. I said some stuff I wish I could take back. Of course it's no excuse. Like Jimbo I eventually realized that it was never going to end and I was living my life to avoid the temper tantrums of a 110 lb girl.

    Fair play disclaimer: She had plenty of chances to shoot me but somehow managed to resist. There's a lot of other things that are right about her too. We were basically just childhood friends who grew up and found out that fairy tales don't always work out.

    And now I should probably stop dragging my moldy old laundry out in public.

  5. #105
    Oliphaunt featherlou's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Quote Originally posted by Jaglavak
    <snip>
    And now I should probably stop dragging my moldy old laundry out in public.
    No, don't stop - what fun would that be?

  6. #106
    Jesus F'ing Christ Glazer's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Quote Originally posted by Jaglavak
    After every time I swore I'd dump her, but I was young and dumb and she was an astounding lay.
    The crazy one's always are.
    Welcome to Mellophant.

    We started with nothing and we still have most of it left.

  7. #107
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Quote Originally posted by Glazer
    Quote Originally posted by Jaglavak
    After every time I swore I'd dump her, but I was young and dumb and she was an astounding lay.
    The crazy one's always are.

    Lord yes.

    If only we could distill out the essence of, "Confident, playful, secure body image" and remove the psychosis. Without ending up with a Stepford Wife.

    Disclaimer: Of course I'm not perfect by a long chalk either. I'm just daydreaming.
    Anything is possible if you use enough lubricant.

  8. #108
    Oliphaunt featherlou's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Jesus, you guys really want the moon, don't you?

  9. #109
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    Quote Originally posted by featherlou
    Jesus, you guys really want the moon, don't you?
    Heh. Well at least I recognised that having a 100% compliant drone would be... suboptimal. As well as the fact (in the disclaimer) that there is a high probability that Ms. Guizmeaux probably spends half her time wondering in what way I'm gonna fuck up next.

    Oh - and apropos of the thread's original topic, I've been given a dry slap by a woman precisely once. I laughed in her face. I then woke up in the middle of that night with her standing next to my bed holding a steak knife.

    This scenario did not end in make-up sex.
    Anything is possible if you use enough lubricant.

  10. #110
    aka ivan the not-quite-as-terrible ivan astikov's avatar
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    Default Re: Women and violence

    I once had a girl try to take a bite out of my nose, after I pulled away from a kiss with her.

    That did not end in make-up sex, either!
    To sleep, perchance to experience amygdalocortical activation and prefrontal deactivation.

  11. #111
    Go Phillies !! Cartooniverse's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by featherlou View post
    Loving partners are supposed to be loving to each other, not look for weaknesses and soft spots to exploit.
    I'm nodding so vigorously right now that I'm straining my neck. I got out of a 23-year marriage where THIS was the dynamic.

    It wears on a person. Male or female, it wears on a person. It is not right, it will never be right. I'm 6' 2" tall, 255 on a good day. My ex is 4' 11" tall and 120. Imagine which one of us would have been thrown in the squad car on a Domestic Disturbance call? And yet her vicious sharp abusing tongue was the stuff of misery.

    Hitting a man is not acceptable, not funny, not cute, not adoring OR adorable. It's hitting. Just as hitting a woman is not any of the above.

    featherlou, I sure do like your brain.
    If you want to kiss the sky, you'd better learn how to kneel.

  12. #112
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Cartooniverse View post
    Hitting a man is not acceptable, not funny, not cute, not adoring OR adorable. It's hitting. Just as hitting a woman is not any of the above.
    This pretty much sums it all up. We don't usually take men being abused seriously because, ha ha, girls can't hurt men. And it's true that in most cases if a man were to respond with the full arsenal of his superior strength he could protect himself just fine and smack her upside the head if she got mouthy. But decent men don't do that and so they get abused and it's treated as comedy.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  13. #113
    Yes, I'm a cat. What's it to you? Muffin's avatar
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    Have a look at section 2.1 of the 2000 Statistics Canada report on family violence. It found that there is a similar rate of domestic violence between the sexes, but a difference in severity (women hit, men whollop): http://www.statcan.gc.ca/pub/85-224-x/4064472-eng.htm

    While this survey indicates that relatively equal proportions
    of women and men report spousal violence, it also
    indicates that women are abused more severely than men.
    For example, women are more likely to be subjected to
    severe forms of violence (e.g. beaten, choked, sexually
    assaulted), are three times more likely to suffer injury, five
    times as likely to receive medical attention, and five times
    more likely to fear for their lives as a result of the violence.
    In other words, the severity and the impact of spousal
    violence on women and men have different outcomes and
    consequences.
    Last edited by Muffin; 13 Oct 2009 at 09:19 PM.

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