The A to Z of Bad Habits

[Elendil's Heir]

Willfully dumping 5,000 Fizzies into the pool during a swim meet.

[Jizzelbin]

X-Raying an x-ray tube using another x-ray tube to generate x-rays.

[Elendil's Heir]

Yelling "Don't forget your ointment, Timmy!" to your son as he walks onto a college campus for the first time.

[Jizzelbin]

Zippering a zipper-head after you zapped 'em.

[Elendil's Heir]

Adulterating children's milk with cyanide and sawdust.

[Jizzelbin]

Bitching at your mom via text, while saying "up yours," and "go fuck yourself." Ah, family reunions! Joy.

[Elendil's Heir]

Callously knocking down your jerk of a nephew's elaborate Lego tower.

[Jizzelbin]

Deliberately knocking down the delusions of your nephew.

[Elendil's Heir]

Exercising during prayer vigils.

[Jizzelbin]

Fisting an offender in front of their children, instead of challenging them to a duel.

[Elendil's Heir]

Giving your dueling opponent a non-functioning pistol.

[Jizzelbin]

Hand-waving a holocaust.

[Elendil's Heir]

Ignoring the screams of the other passengers as you seize the controls of the supersonic jet.

[Jizzelbin]

Jacking it. Just jacking it.

[Elendil's Heir]

Kinking the air hose of your buddy just after he goes over the side of the boat in his deep-sea-diving suit.

[Jizzelbin]

Licking it. Just licking it.

[Elendil's Heir]

Macerating it. Just macerating it.

[Jizzelbin]

N*****sn****ing the snappers at the seafood market.

[Elendil's Heir]

Opening up a can o' whupass on the nearest near-sighted Girl Scout.

[Jizzelbin]

Putting it in the mashed potatoes. All of it.

[Elendil's Heir]

Quietly spreading the rumor that Jizzelbin is actually an 87-year-old left-handed dyslexic Inuit lesbian.

[Jizzelbin]

Ripping open a new hole in a hippie dog.

[Jizzelbin]

Spitting in Mary Jane Rottencrotch's c***. I wanted the "S" dammit! You guys didn't have it ready for me!

[Elendil's Heir]

Taking two turns in a row. ;-)

[Jizzelbin]

Usurping the throne with a full Depends.

[Elendil's Heir]

Vacuously discussing your most-hated Seventies sitcom with your in-laws, when they'd rather be talking about the 2016 campaign.

[Jizzelbin]

Wishing people would just get with the fucking program, and cut out their bullshit shit.

[Elendil's Heir]

Xeroxing things when the company, fiercely protecting its copyright, would really rather you used the verb "photocopy."

[Jizzelbin]

Yelling like a fucking bitch in triumph that someone got the "X" and didn't choke, like I would have!

[Elendil's Heir]

Zebras under each foot, thundering down the aisle at your best friend's wedding to object to the proceedings.

[Jizzelbin]

Asking for a piece of the crack.

[Elendil's Heir]

Borrowing money to pay for the crack.

[Jizzelbin]

Calling out to a high school zoo volunteer, "Hey, you were going to show me your breeding boxes!"

[Elendil's Heir]

Deliberately leaving the light on after you're done in the bathroom.

[Jizzelbin]

Eating the moistened cremains of a box turtle.

[Elendil's Heir]

Felching a dead but pre-cremation box turtle.

[Jizzelbin]

Getting a box. A big box. For a turtle. For your mom. And her turtle.

[Elendil's Heir]

Having a funeral for your mom (and her turtle) before they're actually dead.

[Jizzelbin]

Insisting it's actually a tortoise.

[Elendil's Heir]

Juggling infant tortoises (or turtles) before their shells are hard, and dropping them just a bit too often.

[Jizzelbin]

Keeping after those diminutive zoo volunteers, with their luscious, inviting, temperature-controlled tortoise-filled breeding boxes.

[Elendil's Heir]

Letting your pubic hair grow to luxuriant lengths, and then offering to show it to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

[Jizzelbin]

Making milking motions on Isabella Rosselini's breasts.

[Elendil's Heir]

Nuzzling under the armpits of Jennifer Lawrence when you bump into her on the red carpet.

[Jizzelbin]

Offering your dick to a chain drugstore employee, by not X"Y"Z.

[Elendil's Heir]

Putting out for the Archbishop of Canterbury, and then trying to blackmail him with the pictures.

[Jizzelbin]

Queenie. Little Queenie. Jerry Lee Lewis-style.

[Elendil's Heir]

Running up and down the aisle at a funeral, shouting, "Trump killed him! Trump killed him! Or was it Hillary...?"

[Jizzelbin]

Saying "'Twas Beauty Killed The Beast," uniformly voting for none.

[Elendil's Heir]

Taking after-dinner mints by the handful and stuffing them in your mouth as you leave a swanky restaurant.