The A to Z of Bad Habits

[Elendil's Heir]

Xenophobically cheering whatever The Donald yammers.

[Jizzelbin]

Yanking on the tits of a malfeasor until they bleed and show sternum.

[Elendil's Heir]

Zigging when the coach shouts that you should be zagging.

[Jizzelbin]

Alpha-male posturing.

[Elendil's Heir]

Belly laughs during funerals.

[Jizzelbin]

Chewing nicotine gum while smoking.

[Elendil's Heir]

Diving headfirst from the high board into very shallow water while holding newborn kittens.

[Jizzelbin]

Evacuating your bowels into a nest of fingerling kittens.

[Elendil's Heir]

Farting vigorously and malodorously while entertaining the Ladies' Guild.

[Jizzelbin]

Grabbing-ass on the train, with your eyes.

[Elendil's Heir]

Heaving car batteries through the plate-glass windows of the Archbishop of Canterbury between 2 and 3am on Christmas morning.

[Jizzelbin]

Inking inquiringly at the brown stain of a foul biped.

[Elendil's Heir]

Jumping off very high buildings with parachutes made of cocktail napkins.

[Jizzelbin]

Krusty-burgering the good name of Stan Musial.

[Elendil's Heir]

Logging into every porn site you can find in the name of the Archbishop of Canterbury.

[Jizzelbin]

Motherfucking a motherfucker.

[Elendil's Heir]

Never giving to charity no matter how they beg you.

[Jizzelbin]

Opting in to a class-action suit and receiving a check that requires screwing around with a mobile app to deposit.

[Elendil's Heir]

Pushing heroin on adorable little Girl Scouts.

[Jizzelbin]

Queefing while in bed.

[Elendil's Heir]

Resurrecting dead cats and throwing them at the Archbishop of Canterbury.

[Jizzelbin]

Sequestering the Archbishop's head beneath your pillow.

[Elendil's Heir]

Tangling with an outlaw biker gang while wearing a pink silk tutu.

[Jizzelbin]

Urinating figuratively on small efforts at home economics.

[Elendil's Heir]

Vigorously shaking cans of beer before opening them over priceless Turkish rugs.

[Jizzelbin]

Wondering wherefore women, vile humans like every man, can have the power to coerce by their very existence a good man into villainy and worse.

[Elendil's Heir]

Xylophones? I think I'll give one to every three-year old I know, to be very loudly played when their parents are trying to sleep.

[Jizzelbin]

Yowling slowly, high-pitchedly, like a hyena or a content cat, as you push into the eyeballs with a small tool, arousing the approbation of Satan's instruments, the dog-masters, who signal by licking their white teeth.

[Elendil's Heir]

Zeroing in on the shyest person at a party, introducing yourself, and then loudly talking about some part of his or her body as if it's the most remarkable thing you've ever seen in your entire life.

[Jizzelbin]

Asking a bitch if she likes to chew dentate exposed feuilles from great huge Indian jodphurs, king-like, making noises of overly public queefing, reminding sexes to unify, virginify, while x-acto-knifing your zealotry and applauding. In the ass.

[Elendil's Heir]

Bobbing for apples when you have a really bad cold.

[Jizzelbin]

Cramming for a colonoscopy test.

[Elendil's Heir]

Delicately taking apart your Aunt Ethel's favorite clock and throwing all the parts into a cardboard box.

[Jizzelbin]

Excavating the wrong body.

[Elendil's Heir]

Felching rabid goats at the church social.

[Jizzelbin]

Goat-fucking

[Elendil's Heir]

Harassing the Archbishop of Canterbury with obscene phone calls at all hours.

[Jizzelbin]

Inching your way slowly, along the edge of a straight razor, and not surviving.

[Elendil's Heir]

Jauntily putting a dead marmoset atop the head of the Republican presidential nominee.

[Jizzelbin]

Kicking a dead dog into the ravine.

[Elendil's Heir]

Licking cane toads even after their owner asks you to stop.

[Jizzelbin]

Nigggling. That is all.

[Elendil's Heir]

Messing with alphabetical order.

Ovulating right after reading Vietnamese spam.

[Jizzelbin]

Putting an infant of an enemy on a spit.

[Elendil's Heir]

Quietly replacing all the sugar with salt on restaurant tables.

[Jizzelbin]

Rutting a buck

[Elendil's Heir]

Siphoning off gasoline from ambulances.

[Jizzelbin]

Taking a fucking big piece of fetus from a woman's womb.

[Elendil's Heir]

Undulating sensuously and moaning orgasmically as you're introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury.

[Jizzelbin]

Vagisilling an unwilling cellmate.