My husband is dying

[Brynda]

My husband, RickQ on the dope, is dying. He was diagnosed with renal cell cancer on 1/1/09. He had surgery 2 weeks later. The oncologists had hope at first, but his cancer, a rare subtype, is like a forest fire out of control. He has no appetite, has pain (which is controlled, thank goodness), and in the newest development, has fluid in his lungs and has difficulty breathing. His doctor told me today that he may not survive his current hospitalization, or may live several months. The plan is to drain the fluid from his lungs later today.

I need to talk about this, but Rick isn't ready, plus he is really, really medicated this morning. They suspect his liver isn't metabolizing the meds and he is effectively overdosed, so they have cut back in the last few hours. I don't want him to read this, so this board is perfect.

Rick and I met on the SDMB seven years ago. We married 6 years ago and are the happiest couple I know. He is the sweetest man I have ever met and spoiled me rotten. We wrote our own marriage vows, and my favorite line from my vows was "Everyone should be loved like Rick loves me." He adores me, not that I deserve it, and I adore him.

[Jules]

Oh Brynda, I'm so sorry. And RickQ too. I recognize the name. Words fail.

[Rube E. Tewesday]

Damn.

I've got nothing to say, except, I'm sorry.

To the extent that posting here can help you with this in any small way, we're here.

[Julie]

Brynda,

My heart is breaking for you both. Keep talking, either here or in a face-to-face group, or on a different online board or through emails or pms.

I'm so sorry. I can't offer anything but my experience (short though it is) and my empathy, but those are yours to whatever degree you can use them.

Julie

[jali]

Oh. I'm so, so sorry.

This really is heartbreaking and I'm sending every single good vibe in my being to you, to help you bear this.

[belladonna]

I remember Rick from SD, enough that I have the impression of him as a nice guy. I am so sorry you guys are having to deal with this, it's not fair and it sucks and it's likely scary as hell, too. You're both in my thoughts.

[Queen Tonya]

I'm so very sorry to hear that. What a beautiful sentiment to include in your vows.

We're here, vent away, and please let us know if there's anything we can do to help.

[Ferret Herder]

I am so sorry. I will keep the both of you in my thoughts, and hope that whatever healing of any kind may come.

[EthelMercaptan]

Aw cripes. I'm so sorry. I saw the thread earlier this year and everything seemed fairly hopeful. I don't know what to say.

[DeadlyAccurate]

I'm so sorry.

[Grace]

I remember your relationship...I think because it's so similiar to mine (my name is also Brenda, my husband from the UK, and we met online). I'm so sorry to hear about this. Please know that you both are in my thoughts.

[Johnny]

I'm sad to hear this.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

I'm so sorry to hear it. Let me know if there is anything we can do for you.

[eleanorigby]

I am so sorry. Is there a hospital chaplain who can help you talk to Rick about all this? The chaplain should not push any kind of faith or religion, s/he is usually the one who deals with end of life issues for inpatients. Thinking of you and Rick.

[featherlou]

I'm so sorry you both have to go through this. Please use us as a resource as much as you can.

[PapSett]

I am so, so sorry. I don't know anything else to say.

[JavaMaven]

I am so sorry to hear this. If I remember correctly, you're in Southern California? If you need anything, please let me know.

[iampunha]

Kyrie.

I remember (as, at a glance, do more than a few people here) before y'all were married.

Peace and strength.

[Chimera]

I have no words for this. My thoughts are with you in this time.

[Brynda]

Thanks. This is unbelievably hard. I appreciate all the kindness. We are in TN, btw. thanks for the offer of help, though.

His family is coming from the UK on Friday, instead of a month from now. When I told him, he just said it would be good to see them, then asked a few minutes later if I had told them of "recent developments." I said I had, and he said he was frustrated to be regressing. That was all. I wish I knew exactly how much he knows.

I am so tired. I am staying at the hospital with him until 10 or 11PM then coming back at 6:30 AM.

[Celyn]

I am so sorry. What a dreadful thing.

[Wheresgeorge04]

I'm very sorry, and I'll be thinking of you.

Joe

[criminey.jicket]

Brynda, I am so sorry. You are both in my thoughts.

[Beadalin]

That's terrible. I am so sorry for what you are both going through.

Do you have access to a counselor? Maybe through an EAP?

[Walker in Eternity]

Damn.

I've got nothing to say, except, I'm sorry.

To the extent that posting here can help you with this in any small way, we're here.

Me too.

[NinetyWt]

Oh, Brynda. I'm sad to hear this. We are here for you sweetie.

[Walker in Eternity]

Too add to my previous post, my deepest sympathy.

[MsRobyn]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. My thoughts are with you and Rick.

[5er]

Brynda, one important thing to do is remember to eat well. I know you don't feel like it but right now your body is requiring even more nutrients than usual with all the stress. By staying healthy, you help Rick as well as yourself. And as difficult or impossible as it probably is, adequate sleep is also essential. These are things you know, but in times of crisis these are things we forget or eschew in favour of going full-steam ahead.

You and Rick are in my thoughts. And again, I beg you to take care of yourself, for both your sakes.

[Spiny Norman]

There are times when words feel so damn insufficient.

I am not that good at praying, but please accept my wishes for less pain, peace of mind and comfort for all who are touched.

[Camelot]

Brynda, you don't know me, but I am wishing you well, and wishing you and Rick strength.

[Hockey Monkey]

I'm so saddened to hear this. Virtual hugs going out to both of you.

[beebs]

This is so sad. Please tell us the story of how you two met.

[Brynda]

They just took him to drain the fluid on his lungs. It was agonizing to watch him struggle to breathe. His chest was heaving, even when he was asleep.

We met on the dope, in a thread for people who didn't get flirted with. I flirted with him, he flirted back. Then he emailed me and I found out he was younger than I am. I tried to convince him to find a nice British girl. He called, we started IMing for hours, and within days we were both hooked. I went to meet him in the UK a few months later and we had a wonderful time. We married a year and several visits later. I had given up on ever marrying--I was 42 when we married. But somehow, against all odds, I won the lottery when I married Rick. Everyone teased us about how much he spoiled me.

We see a psychologist who works for our oncologist. She is a friend (I am a psychologist, too) and she has been great. This is just so hard. I keep crying. It is all happening so fast. Rick seemed healthy only a few months ago, and now he looks terrible--pale, weak, breaking out in cold sweats. He has lost 60 pounds in 3 months. I thought I had an idea about what this might be like. I was wrong.

[Batsinma Belfry]

I'm so sorry. Take care of yourself.

[Johnny]

Six years is not enough, especially with a story like that.

I can't tell you how many times I've seen RickQ's name and mistook it for Rico's.

Strength to you.

[Why I Am a Destiny]

Brynda, I'm so sorry. I hope you find the support of your loved ones throughout this difficult time. Don't forget to take care of you.

[XJETGIRLX]

Oh lord, I'm so sorry to hear that Brynda! And I agree, 6 years isn't enough. There's never enough time to spend with those we love.

[jdr]

I'm so sorry. You two are in my thoughts.

[Hatshepsut]

There's nothing I can say to help but please know how sorry I am. I remember RickQ from the Dope too.

[Fearless Leader]

I am so sorry. My thoughts are with you both.

[criminey.jicket]

Is Rick resting any easier after the procedure, Brynda?

[Brynda]

They couldn't drain the fluid from his lungs today. He was in too much pain to sit still, and they can't administer pain meds in the ultrasound area, as there are no nurses to monitor the patient. I was pissed, and marched down to talk with the radiologist, as now it has to wait until tomorrow. He was able to explain it to me, and although I think the hospital policy of not having nurses there sucks, I understand that it has to wait, as it is too dangerous to do at night, with reduced staff. The really frustrating part is that the nurse (and I) decided to cut back on his meds today because he was so out of it. He wasn't in much pain lying still, but having to sit up was too much for him.

I am trying to take care of myself. I know I need to. I just wish I could take better care of him.

Ok, maybe you guys can help me forgive my sister. When he was diagnosed, she said she would do anything she could, and has helped more with our mother, which I appreciate. When Rick was hospitalized following his surgery, his mother was here from the UK. I am self-employed, so I was taking her to the hospital (a 25 mile trip), visiting with Rick, then going to work, then going back to the hospital in the later afternoon/evening. My sister knew this. One day, my MIL was going to have to leave with me at 2:00 when I went to work 3:00-7:00, or stay at the hospital until 8PM after getting there with me at 7 AM to see the MD. My sister called to say she was coming to visit that day. I asked if she could come about 5 or 6, explained the situation, and said that if she came then, she could give my MIL a ride home (it is on her way). She refused, saying "We (she and husband) are morning people." Well, I said, I really need the help. Nope. "We are morning people" again. Okay. I was pissed. The next day at the hospital, I told her I was mad and why. She said "I am sorry if I hurt your feelings" I explained that if she couldn't do it, that was one thing, but preferring not to--totally different. Anyway, that was a month ago and I can't forgive her selfish ass. I wish I could, though. Any suggestions?

[Dudley Garrett]

I am so terribly sorry...

If you need anything from a stranger in Virginia, ask...

[Canuck_Kat]

Brynda I am sorry to hear the news about your husband. It can be difficult to feel so utterly helpless. I am not making excuses for your sister but I have seen many people behave in atypical ways under circumstances such as yours. What she did was very hurtful and I am glad that you confronted her. However, you don't need to be harbouring this anger on top of all the other things you are dealing with now. I think your anger can take away from the precious time you have left with your husband. So if possible try to shelve it for later. I know easier said than done. I will be thinking of you, and as many others have already said please make sure you take care of yourself also.

[Scarlett67]

Just adding another voice to the chorus of sympathy and good thoughts, and wishing you peace and strength.

[Campionaki]

So sorry to hear this. You and Rick will be in my thoughts.

[OtakuLoki]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You have my sympathies and thoughts.

Brynda, one important thing to do is remember to eat well. I know you don't feel like it but right now your body is requiring even more nutrients than usual with all the stress. By staying healthy, you help Rick as well as yourself. And as difficult or impossible as it probably is, adequate sleep is also essential. These are things you know, but in times of crisis these are things we forget or eschew in favour of going full-steam ahead.

You and Rick are in my thoughts. And again, I beg you to take care of yourself, for both your sakes.

Let me add my voice to this advice: You don't want to make yourself so sick you can't be with Rick.

[OtakuLoki]

Missed the edit window:

I just saw your post about your sister's behavior.

I know in my own experiences with dealing with helplessness in medical crises for a loved one, it can become very appealing to let all one's anger focus on the one thing that has happened that one can say one has a legitimate complaint for, instead of trying to deal with being angry at nature or God, or whomever else you wish you could blame. ("Sadie Johnson, back in the third grade, laid a curse on me and laughed about it, the bitch! This is all her fault, and if I could get her now...")

I'm not sure I can help you forgive your sister, but you might want to see whether you're letting that be a focus for all the ire you can't put anywhere else. If you are letting her transgression be a magnet for all the other anger you're feeling, that would make forgiving her even harder.

[Orual]

I am so sorry, Brynda. I remember you and Rick from the SDMB - really nice folks.

You both will be in my thoughts.