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Thread: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

  1. #1
    Oliphaunt
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    Default What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Question inspired by a family I saw at the store yesterday. Boy, around 7 or so, is heading around the corner towards me and I hear him say, "So, I'm not going to die, ever?" and two women, mother and grandmother in age, both assuring him, "No! You're never going to die." "You're young, boy." The roughly 12 year old girl with them was silent.

    It's been bugging me ever since. I don't remember this conversation with my son, although I'm sure I must have had it at one point. My daughter's not quite ready for it. But I can't imagine lying to a kid like that. Reassuring him, sure, but an outright lie? There must be a better way.
    Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it.

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    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I wouldn't lie. I would say something like, "not for a long, long, time, when you're an old man." That way, he can't relate to it anyway, and you don't have to lie to make him feel better.

  3. #3
    Sophmoric Existentialist
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Imagine you are the parent of a child who is going to die.

    When my daughter-in-law died, my 2 year old grandson asked if Mummy was going to come alive again. I sometimes think of that, but I don't court the memory.

    Kids are like the rest of us. They can always deal with the truth, if it is told kindly.
    Sophmoric Existentialist

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    Elephant
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I had to have the conversation when my kids were preschool age after we had a kitten get run over--sure would have liked to wait on that but whaddaya gonna do? I think explaining to a child that everything, from the smallest amoeba to the universe itself, has a beginning, a middle and an end and that's the way it's supposed to be is fair and honest and acceptable. Explaining that everybody has to die, otherwise there would never be room for new people to be born is a good idea. Explaining that to a large extent every person has the ability to make decisions that will determine how long they live is a good idea as well. What I absolutely do NOT think is a good idea is lying to a kid--I kinda consider it a form of child abuse. I think that being all hush-hush and denying and fibbing about it would be rather scary for a child--instead of a matter of fact "Yes, honey, you will die someday just like every other person or animal or tree will--but it probably won't be for many, many years unless you piss me off or play in traffic" they get a "NO! Of course not! Never! Now hush!" the poor kid has got to wonder why Mom's freaking out about it and might just conclude that their demise is imminent and Mom's scared about it. Kids are tough, they can handle a lot more than people give them credit for.
    "And I hope I don't get born again, 'cuz one time was enough!" -- Mark Sandman

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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I've had to answer this question to my oldest already. I told her that no one lives forever, and no one is even guaranteed to live a long time. I told her I knew that was a hard thing to come to terms with, and that it's always been the toughest truth that humans in general have had to deal with.

    My wife is a believer, and she tells the kid we'll all go to Heaven. I don't have the heart to undermine that. It's probably gutless on my part, but for now it seems easier and kinder to let the kid believe she'll see all her expired relatives (and pets) in Heaven. She's a smart kid. She'll figure out it's bullshit eventually, but I don't want to break her heart just yet.

  6. #6
    Oliphaunt
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Quote Originally posted by SmartAleq
    I had to have the conversation when my kids were preschool age after we had a kitten get run over--sure would have liked to wait on that but whaddaya gonna do? I think explaining to a child that everything, from the smallest amoeba to the universe itself, has a beginning, a middle and an end and that's the way it's supposed to be is fair and honest and acceptable. Explaining that everybody has to die, otherwise there would never be room for new people to be born is a good idea. Explaining that to a large extent every person has the ability to make decisions that will determine how long they live is a good idea as well. What I absolutely do NOT think is a good idea is lying to a kid--I kinda consider it a form of child abuse. I think that being all hush-hush and denying and fibbing about it would be rather scary for a child--instead of a matter of fact "Yes, honey, you will die someday just like every other person or animal or tree will--but it probably won't be for many, many years unless you piss me off or play in traffic" they get a "NO! Of course not! Never! Now hush!" the poor kid has got to wonder why Mom's freaking out about it and might just conclude that their demise is imminent and Mom's scared about it. Kids are tough, they can handle a lot more than people give them credit for.
    I think I'm going to save this answer and make it my own. Beautiful. Thank you!
    Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it.

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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I think Sarahfeena's answer is closest to the one I would give. Children's concept of time is very immediate and quite short. With the caveat that it depends upon the age of the child and the context, my answer would be "No. [pause] Not for a long, long time", especially for a seven year old, as in the OP. The truth is important, so I would not tell the child that he or she will never die, but I would also want to de-emphasize the likelihood of it happening any time remotely soon.

    The line in the Dave Matthews song Gravedigger comes to mind: "Cyrus Jones 1810 to 1913, Made his great granchildren believe you could live to a hundred and three. A hundred and three is forever when you're just a little kid, so Cyrus Jones lived forever." I don't think that this is functionally all that far from the mark, so while I disagree with the woman described in the OP, I don't think I'd take umbridge with her.

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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Have not had to talk my own about it, both under five. But, sooner or later one of them is going to ask about the other grandpa, considering my oldest is named for him, we will have to talk about it then. I suspect that I will tell them that someday they will die, but probably not for a long time. We will then have to have the talk about what happens then, and how people think different things. My wife is a person of faith, while I am a hopeful agnostic, so that will be a fun talk.

    Denying that death comes to everybody is just not healthy for kids. Its part of the risks of life that the need to be prepared for, it just has to be handled in a way that the child can handle. Of course, every kid is different, and does not come with an instruction manual.

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    Stegodon
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Quote Originally posted by vison
    Kids are like the rest of us. They can always deal with the truth, if it is told kindly.
    I like that.

    My daughter and I have talked about death many times - I don't know if it started b/c my grandfather died or what, that happened 2 years ago, she and her brother were only 3.

    Anyway I've taken pains to explain that I'm going to be here until she's 45 or 50. But we've agreed that we're going to miss each other.

    I don't like lying to kids. I make exceptions for Santa and the Easter Bunny, but that's about it.

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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I generally agree, fessie, but I wouldn't put too much stock in the ability of adults to really conceive of our own mortality.

  11. #11
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    oh well yeah - sure! Have you ever done that, sat there and concentrated on the fact of your own passing? Seriously spooky shit, imagining the world plugging along without you. ::shudder::

    I just can't fathom a lie that wouldn't be worse, eventually, than the truth.

    I HAVE pointed out that they carry a bit of me in their hearts, that I'm always with them no matter what. I hope that's a good thing.

  12. #12
    Why so serious? Tinker's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Probably.
    "And I hope I don't get born again, 'cuz one time was enough!" -- Mark Sandman

  13. #13
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    If my kid were to ask, I'd probably say something like "Everybody dies, but you're young, enjoy life now and don't worry about it." Funny, now that I think about it, he's a bright and thoughtful kid, but I don't remember him asking. He's probably just figured it out and got his own ideas. Last time he was really sick in the middle of the night, we had this conversation, which probably indicated his thinking:

    Him: I wish I was dead.

    Me: Oh, come on, I know you're sick, but you don't want to be dead. You don't have any fun when you're dead.

    Him: So? You're dead. You don't know you aren't having fun.

  14. #14
    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Quote Originally posted by Ken S.
    I've had to answer this question to my oldest already. I told her that no one lives forever, and no one is even guaranteed to live a long time. I told her I knew that was a hard thing to come to terms with, and that it's always been the toughest truth that humans in general have had to deal with.

    My wife is a believer, and she tells the kid we'll all go to Heaven. I don't have the heart to undermine that. It's probably gutless on my part, but for now it seems easier and kinder to let the kid believe she'll see all her expired relatives (and pets) in Heaven. She's a smart kid. She'll figure out it's bullshit eventually, but I don't want to break her heart just yet.
    I had a conversation recently which put into perspective (for me) why humans evolved to have religion...it's exactly because we understand that we are going to die, and it's a hell of a lot easier to explain it to kids if you can tell them it's not really the end! My 4-year-old asked me the other day what happens to you when you die. I explained about having a soul, and when you die, your body kind of goes to sleep and you don't need it any more, but your soul goes to heaven. She listened, and when I was done, she said, "but what happens to you when you die?" Guess my explanation wasn't the one she was looking for!

  15. #15
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    My son's 6, and he plays enough video games to know death is a fact of life. Except, he just thinks he'll respawn somewhere around the livingroom.
    ????

  16. #16
    Free Exy Cluricaun's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    The answer is "Yes, unless your parents come up with the money in time."
    Hell, if I didn't do things just because they made me feel a bit ridiculous, I wouldn't have much of a social life. - Santo Rugger.

  17. #17
    Oliphaunt
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Quote Originally posted by Sarahfeena
    She listened, and when I was done, she said, "but what happens to you when you die?" Guess my explanation wasn't the one she was looking for!
    Interesting. Did you figure out what it was she wanted to know? I can think of a few things it might be:

    Are you and Daddy going to have another baby to replace me if I die?
    What's going to happen to my toys and books if I die?
    What's a funeral/body preparation like?
    If you die, where will I live? Who will take care of me?
    If you die, do I have to take care of [Little Brother]?
    Whatever became of the moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one. A moment. In childhood. When it first occurred to you that you don't go on forever. Must have been shattering. Stamped into one's memory. And yet, I can't remember it.

  18. #18
    Prehistoric Bitchslapper Sarahfeena's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Quote Originally posted by WhyNot
    Quote Originally posted by Sarahfeena
    She listened, and when I was done, she said, "but what happens to you when you die?" Guess my explanation wasn't the one she was looking for!
    Interesting. Did you figure out what it was she wanted to know? I can think of a few things it might be:

    Are you and Daddy going to have another baby to replace me if I die?
    What's going to happen to my toys and books if I die?
    What's a funeral/body preparation like?
    If you die, where will I live? Who will take care of me?
    If you die, do I have to take care of [Little Brother]?
    I think what it is is that she can't grok the idea that your body just stops and that "you" don't exist anymore. It's hard to explain to someone who has no experience with dead things! I basically told her that your body gets old, wears out, and stops working (don't remember the exact words, but that was the gist of it). That seemed to satisfy her. Taught me a lesson about giving them more information than what they wanted to know!

  19. #19
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I have a son who is only 7 months so I don't have to decide on an answer for quite awhile, but it is something I think about because as someone who doesn't put much stock in the idea of an afterlife I don't feel I can give him an explanation I don't believe myself.

    The first idea I had came from Natalie Angier's The Canon in which she used the Law of Conservation of Energy to explain death to her daughter. She told her that because energy and matter cannot be created nor destroyed that she wouldn't vanish from the universe but become a part of it- that she could could end up being apart of many different things. I'll probably just pick his favorite animal at the time and propose that he may make up part of those one day. This way we get a little science lesson sneaked into the discussion. (It is only a matter of time before he realises his mother is a huge nerd).

    The second component will probably entail a summary of the end of the eulogy I gave at my father's funeral. The essential idea was that while he couldn't be with us anymore we would always be with us because we could carry all of our best memories of him and the things we learned from him in our hearts so that way he would never really be gone.

    Mix the two and throw in a dash of the 'circle of life' and that would be the general idea tailored to whatever age he is at the time the subject comes up.

  20. #20
    Elephant
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    "Yes, and if you don't stop bothering me, it will be sooner rather than later." :twisted:
    I reserve the right to be bothered by things that don't faze you,
    and to cheerfully ignore things that bug the shit out of you.
    I am not you.

  21. #21
    Elephant
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Note to self: Do NOT allow either Chimera or Cluricaun to babysit the grandkids...
    "And I hope I don't get born again, 'cuz one time was enough!" -- Mark Sandman

  22. #22
    Elephant
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    You're just mad because, with a name like SmartAleq, you didn't think of it yourself.
    I reserve the right to be bothered by things that don't faze you,
    and to cheerfully ignore things that bug the shit out of you.
    I am not you.

  23. #23
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?
    "What time is it now?"

  24. #24
    Free Exy Cluricaun's avatar
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    You will if you tell anyone.



    Oh god, that was horrible for even me.
    Hell, if I didn't do things just because they made me feel a bit ridiculous, I wouldn't have much of a social life. - Santo Rugger.

  25. #25
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    "Yes, honey, I'm afraid you'll die one day but just think, once you're dead you'll be able to meet all the other dead people. Like Hitler. Remember when you learned about Hitler in school? After you die, you'll be able to see him for yourself!"

  26. #26
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    You tell them yes, everyone's going to die one day, but hopefully it's a long, long time away and he'll have children of his own before that happens.

    I can't understand why some adults lie to children about some of life's biggest issues. Well, yes, I do, but really the adults should have come to terms with these things by now!

  27. #27
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    I have three morbid kids, 3, 4, and 7. We told them yes, but hopefully it will be a long time from now when they are old. The 4 year old is always going over it with us - "So when I'm grown up, you will be old like Nonny and Pa?" "Yes" "And when I'm old like Nonny and Pa you will be dead?" "Yes, probably" "And my kids will be grown up when I'm old?" "Yep".

    On a related note, my 4 year old, in one of his mortality discussions, said when I said my mother would probably die before he's grown up "Well, we'll have to bury her and put a stone on her". I told him that his Gramma wants to be cremated when she dies, and so do I. "Why?" "Because I don't really want my body to turn into a yucky zombie body" (they are familiar with zombies from Scooby Doo). "Don't worry Daddy, bugs will come and eat all your zombie skin and turn you into a skeleton!" He LOVES skeletons.

  28. #28
    Stegodon
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    Quote Originally posted by Lupers
    You tell them yes, everyone's going to die one day, but hopefully it's a long, long time away and he'll have children of his own before that happens.

    I can't understand why some adults lie to children about some of life's biggest issues. Well, yes, I do, but really the adults should have come to terms with these things by now!
    I have a theory that a lot of our beliefs about the afterlife probably started as stuff we told children to avoid the harsh truth. When they grew up they believed it because their parents would never lie about something like that! And if you've told the young prince he can take his toys with him into the afterlife, when he's the king he's very likely to insist that all his favorite belongings get buried with him.

  29. #29
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    Default Re: What do you tell a kid when he asks if he's going to die?

    "Look, kid, we're all gonna die. Some of us down the road, some of us before the end of the day."

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