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Thread: Post a brief snippet of imagined conversation, la Herzog (Bellow)

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    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Default Post a brief snippet of imagined conversation, la Herzog (Bellow)

    "You're goddamned right you fat pig, and if you look at my window one more time with your disgusting neighbors, I'm going to make scrapple out of your white ass."

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    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    "Well, young lady, that sounds like fun, but can we negotiate the price a little bit?"

    (Actually, I can't remember anything from reading Herzog 30 years ago, so I don't know if I'm playing this right.)

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    "You goddamned maniac, those are my birth control pills! Don't eat those! Get your fucking snout out of my shit and pretend you're a cat licking a tuna can. Fucking men."

    ETA I remember shit one from Herzog, except a lot of good shit in imagined letters. Meh, I don't think any of us are Saul Bellow, but it seems a good thread to toss out some one-liners or perhaps more extended shit.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 07 Jul 2018 at 07:30 PM.

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    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    "I suppose I could do that. I also suppose I could hit you so hard your mama would die. Which shall it be, I wonder?"

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    "Hey Morgan. Yeah, good morning. I gotta find a nickname for you. No, your name's great, just, like, two syllables. Let's get a better one. What do your folks or your friends call you?"

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    "Hey, Morgan. I gotta get a nickname for you. Got any ideas?"

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    "Hey Mo Howard, I just reassembled my bed and put sheets on it. Want to try it out and see who gets bit by parasitic bugs first? Great! You first! I like to watch. Look out for those fingers, Mo!"
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 15 Jul 2018 at 03:48 PM.

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    "Yes, that's what one calls a metronome, honey. Sure, it's set at about 66 beats every minute. I can't sing for shit — without my fingers I'm nothing — but here's something you'd probably know. <sings opening Aria from the Goldberg Variations, and gets confused by trying to do the multiple voices with only one voic>."

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    "Why are you assaulting me? In this state harassment is also a civil matter. Your picture I've just taken will be sufficient to identify you."

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    "Well, your tailgating in my neighborhood wasn't effective, but now I know where you live, and your name. It would be a shame if something happened to you."

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    <Walking street carrying an umbrella.>

    Questioned by defective.

    Response: "No, I'm just going to have something done about you. Have a nice day."

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    "I hope you drive faster than you think or talk. Be ready for some company outside. We're going to figure you out."

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    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    "Nah, just waiting to die. Same as you are, come to think of it."

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    "Wow, you're a heavy one. I see you're petite but I thought the weight would match. Arm-wrestle?"

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    "Well, I'd be happy to stay a bit later and help out. It's a good team. Let's find a desk where we can see the document, and I'll approve using my signature."

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    "I don't suppose your hick-filled warehouse has a notary public, does it? Charges nothing for hillbilly Bezosbusiness, right? And what's the deal with your hair, anyway: aren't you supposed to be a salaried employee, or is it 'don't ask, don't tell,' you fat fucking closet dyke."

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    Rare departure into RL ranting outside my window:

    Jizz: "Heydurrh do you like Airbud the movie, because I like it a lot and I also like Airbud 2 which was even better."

    In response to some numbnuts shrieking in my ear-field.

    I wish I could just gas the entire neighboring renters' complex with mustard gas. People who talk that loud don't got no reason to live.

    Well, the coyotes will eat their dogs, anyway, so that's something. Those little twinks would probably shit themselves to death. Good.

    ETA Also, coyote > pet dog. Always. Bet. On. Nature. Find. A. Way. Also, fuck dogs, I like coyotes better.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 28 Jul 2018 at 06:03 PM.

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    "So that's what they call "anal leakage." Fascinating captain; I shall make a note of that. McDonald and his restaurants must be stopped at all costs. Spare no expense: go deep."

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    <Over the powered PA monitor and microphone>:

    "Get a warrant or get off my porch, pig."

    <OtPPAm&m>
    ////////////////////////
    Variant:
    "Please open the door, this is the sheriff's department"
    "Is there imminent danger, sir?" <said over mixer+mic+PA speaker>
    "That's what we're here to find out, sir."
    "We're asleep." <said over mixer+mic+PA speaker>
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 04 Aug 2018 at 11:48 PM.

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    "Well, there are no dogs allowed in my condo community. So what would happen if one started shooting all dogs with a pellet gun? I suppose the few service animals would be recognized and spared, but potent defensive protection would be required against the offenders who possess non-allowed dogs. Probably a metal flashlight and at least one capable arm would subdue the human offenders, provided they swarmed on you one at a time."

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    "It'd my my treat. You know, like a date! You eat 'em!"

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    "I bet your hands are as sore as mine after a shift. Ever try a hand massage? I'll try one on you. That's right. Give me your hands. Oh, you're right. Just one of them, then."

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    "How about instead of me taking you to an old man bar at 0945, you and me let's go for a short walk up around the Arboretum. You show me about birds and I'll show you stuff about trees.

    Fifth of whiskey?

    You read my mind, sweetheart. And no, no cigarettes — forget it. I hate them anyway. You're sweet enough.

    So what are your measurements, anyway? Just for my diary, little girl. No big thing."

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    "Sure. Which of my friends do you want me to call and have them 'fax' you a little thing for your...twat, or whatever you call it? How about 'none,' because that's the amount of time a doctor has for you, cunt. And as far as you're concerned I'm the goddamned president of the AMA."

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    "Stop calling your total quantity a 'denominator' you fucking bitch. Do you want me to take five seconds and demonstrate in symbols why Q is not your fucking range or image or codomain or whatever, and it's definitely not your fucking domain, you fucking cow? Positive integers Z. You dumb fucking okie."

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    "Let me explain something about why people are laughing, Mrs. Mayor. It's not me, it's just that sometimes when you try to use one word that means something, and, well, let me say, sure, we can have the rational numbers. But what we want is a smaller group of those. You can just call them counting numbers, or even integers. So, I would let the people use the math language, and you can use the .... what what??? You ARE using rational numbers to compute, what now? Oh. Well, go ahead, but people don't like it."

    I would fucking love to know what kind of computation some cunt who can't even figure out spreadsheets is doing with the separation of discrete integers. What kind of turd told her it was OK to use grade-school, pre-school arithmetic?
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 10 Aug 2018 at 05:35 PM.

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    "Well, that's a tough question. Fifteen empty cardboard boxes of wine in the dumpster. And you think it was me. What are you going to about it, exactly?"

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    "Well, when all you got is a hammer, everything looks like shattered bone fragments, bits of hair, and various tissues."

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    "So how many marshmallows can fit in there, and if I don't find them all, does that make you sick or something?"

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    "Oh, well, you're an applied scientist working in Logistics here, so obviously I don't need to explain an elementary XOR code to you.

    Oh, you're not? Well, soft skills make for good teamwork, Len.

    I'd recommend learning about logistics, the science though — it is emblazoned on your vest.

    The more you know! You can learn about optimization, shortest-path algorithms, scheduling problems, and still practice your soft-skills.

    You're never to old to learn new tricks, Len!"

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    "So what's your specialty, Len? Multivariate optimization problems, implementing graph-theoretic solutions, adapting and combining shortest-path algorithms with data structures suited for scheduling and sorting over time?

    Or are you just kind of a 'does it all' kind of guy?

    I will say those are nice glasses. Kind of gives you a distinguished look."

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    "I used to know a guy named 'Len.' You might not have heard of him, but Talmy is a pretty big deal in linguistics and among educated people. Maybe you heard about him when you were reading blogs. He liked my piano playing. Nice guy. I'd recommend looking him up — I bet you two would really hit it off."

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    "I'd sort of expect you'd have heard of him, what with your background in logistics. Well, we can't all be winners, Len. He is Jewish, though. You should look him up. I doubt he'd look back, since he's blind and all that, but I'm sure your knowledge and his shares a great deal of common interest."

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    "Oh, my apologies Len. Yes, that's Len Talmy. I thought with your background in logistics your paths might have crossed. Oh well. It's no big deal. You're doing a super job here, and I appreciate it, even if the broader community doesn't always respect it. You're doing good from what I can see, and those glasses do make you look pretty smart."

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    "Oh. Well that's OK. I just thought you might be using the term 'logistics' as the rest of us do.

    No problem. There's all kinds of things for you to do, like paint numbers on the floor with chalk and make little maps.

    Pure intuition! I like it. It's how I play pool and chess! Good for you.

    I think that's very courageous to branch out beyond the mainstream terminology, Len.

    Hats off, cabron!"

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    "Yeah, about that other thing when I was asking you out.

    I hope you know there's not going to be any hard feelings.

    We're both adults and there's no problem I can see.

    So, I want to bone you!

    Well, welcome to real life, honey: it's not going anywhere further unless you say so.

    Although you could at least return my RL greeting of most other people when I look at them and say "Hey, <insert name>!" or so forth."

    Conclusion: introverts are very odd people. I managed to extirpate most of the oddness, but, as I've been told, "I'm old," and therefore it's no surprise that I know or have known "all sorts" of women.

    Because when you're, like, forty, obviously, you've "known" every kind of woman.

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    "Well, Natasha, you can have that fixed. I know we don't have any people who are trained in logistics here, but I'd look at one of the community colleges — there are some excellent resources out there for people who are struggling to combine managing techniques with the appropriately-efficient methods.

    You're welcome! There's no reason you can't provide yourself with some additional, more sophisticated tools.

    And Excel spreadsheets? Don't worry about it — we all get confused sometimes.

    You're doing just fine."

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    Me: "Well, optimization with more than one variable is sort of what one uses calculus for in the real world."
    19: "It's really just useful."
    Me: "Without doubt, but when your faucet drips, we want to know how much and why."
    19: "I did Calculus I and Calculus II."
    Me: "So, it should be you who knows. Do you think [xxxxx] knows? Exactly."

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    "So why is it you want to change shifts, anyway, sir?
    —There are two reasons.
    Would you care to elaborate?
    —I'd be delighted. In the first place, the mismanagement of rest periods for workers leads to deficiencies in productivity, safety, and accuracy. In the second place, the in-house handlers of the contract drivers create confusion, inaccuracy, and are somewhat often a danger to themselves and others. And, if I may add, I've computed the mistakes the handlers of the contract drivers make, and according to my rough calculations, it's a wonder one of you people hasn't eaten a gun at his or desk."

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    "Ever heard of the old 'trustee system'?
    — Sure. That's where they give a convict a gun, to shoot another one if he runs. Sound familiar?
    Actually. yeah. That's why why have a surplus of supervisors, lane captains, and so forth.
    —Make sense to have more people working, wouldn't it?
    Sure, but then where's the incentive for people to be the person who measures the temperature of the hot frying medium?"

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    "Why would you use a circular slide rule when you can just have your phone do it?
    —Because I'm not a fucktard, you jackass."

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    "Vacuum? VACUUM? What am I Rosie the fucking Robot? Bull fucking shit. I'll vacuum when I'm paid to do it as a hotel room service maid. No fucking way."

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    "Do you have a minute I can talk with you about something? Yeah, I know. First, I hope I didn't make you uncomfortable by asking you out on the job. Second, I really would like to get to know you better, and I think we have a lot we can talk about. And, yes, you're pretty — that's just a fact — but if you don't feel that way about me, that's OK. I think we could be friends, and even good friends, and there's no reason we have to be romantic.

    How do you feel about zoos in general? Yeah, I know, the parking. Well, it's a short walk from the Arboretum, and my treat, since I invite you. I think it'd be fun."

  44. #44
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    "Any official communication is to be sent to me in written form, by a representative of your legal department. This is so that I can retain records which can be inspected by my own agent.

    Any telephone communications are deleted, so, as I've said before, I do not recognize that form of communication.

    This is my policy."

  45. #45
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    "Hey little boy. You know how reindeers got to be so popular?

    Some people from deviant Northern sects used to spit in their hands and fuck them in their asses, then they used to cut the reindeers' throats, drink the blood, and roast the meat and eat it. If it was too cold, they'd just carve out a hunk of meat and eat it raw, then skin them and wear their hides.

    Rudolph's big red nose is where the clown nose came from, because they cut it off and would take turns wearing it like a costume.

    And that's also how come Santa Claus's coat is red: it's drenched in blood.

    He's fat because he ate the most reindeer of all.

    He died of esophageal cancer at the age of thirty-nine because of his pipe-smoking."

  46. #46
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    "Hey little boy. You know how reindeers got to be so popular?

    Some people from deviant Northern sects used to spit in their hands and fuck them in their asses, then they used to cut the reindeers' throats, drink the blood, and roast the meat and eat it. If it was too cold, they'd just carve out a hunk of meat and eat it raw, then skin them and wear their hides.

    Rudolph's big red nose is where the clown nose came from, because they cut it off and would take turns wearing it like a costume.

    And that's also how come Santa Claus's coat is red: it's drenched in blood.

    He's fat because he ate the most reindeer of all.

    He died of esophageal cancer at the age of thirty-nine because of his pipe-smoking."

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