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Thread: The Man Hygiene Thread

  1. #1
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Default The Man Hygiene Thread

    Yeah, whatever. So thread about personal hygiene and whatever. It's only me and a few crusty old buzzards here so I guess the "man" part is redundant.

    Let's talk:

    (a) sideburns. I got sheared about the scalp five or four days ago (she was just the worst hair cutter -- she was chunky, pale, of Irish heritage, punk rock [yes, she dropped in early in the conversation her "boyfriend"], so good for me, but she was fucking slow, and she was probably like 20 or something, so therefore an idiot.

    She made my hair look like "Vincent" from *The Color of Money* -- jeez, I expect a barber to just cut my hair, I don't want to be giving a bunch of directions. Fucking A, they know, I don't. I just want my hair cut.

    Yeah, so anyway. It might be time to shorten the 'burns. I always went by, they should go to the ear lobe, lest one look like a dork. Granted, you have to trim the shag unless you want the mutton chop thing, with some scissors -- hey, you're trimming nosehairs, so just use drag the scissors over and bob's yr uncle, right?

    Just went in to take a squirt and maybe it's not working for me anymore.

    So, question, mid-ear?

    (2) My face is getting fucking fat, and I fucking hate it. One of those neck weights you see in the fitness catalogs that strap around the forehead? Naw, just stop being a fatass.

    (3) Dude, I'm pushing 40, not there yet, crosses self, so whatever six pack whatever

    (4) fashion tip. I think all my dress shirts either have burn holes in them or rips near the breast pocket from my pen habit.

    shit this sounds like stuff I read in a GQ Magazine or something but it is a young man's burden to know this stuff!

    eh, whatever.

  2. #2
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Default

    Oh yeah, baby, so oral hygiene is a thing.

    What. The. Fuck. In. The. Whatever.

    I have some new insurance, which covers dental. Previously I've just paid out of pocket for semi-regular cleanings and for the peace of mind of having a good doctor say "yeah sure, stop drinking coffee, other than that, fine, whatever."

    Because of America or whatever cornhole I have to go to a new dentist who is "provided" in "package" for "managed" "plan" whatever.

    So, sure. I figure, eh, let them deal with my mouth, swab out the decks, whatever.

    No. I need like three fillings, which I'm instructed can be done at the end of October. And consult with a periodontist about gum recession. Yeah right. Hey dumbshit, my former mother in law is a forensic dentist. I know what the surgery is. But sure, whatever, go do that or whatever.

    Didn't even clean my teeth.

    Instead have a shit load of X rays.

    So, what I'm going to do is go to my people, pay for a cleaning, which is what I wanted,

    AND I'm going to make these new people send over the x-rays.

    I think my point will be made, that they just fucked with the wrong indian, and that Molly Susie Cornhole doesn't get fresh with my wintermouth desires and hygienic needs.

    Bitches. And Bastards.

  3. #3
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Default

    Dig on this, bitches.

    Scored a nice back-brush on the cheap today.

    Haven't tried it out, nor even taken off the cellophane wrapper but it seems OK.

    Wood handle will probably rot away and break in not too long, but it was cheap.

    Do you have any idea since I have scrubbed my back, beyond where my hands can reach?

    Never.

    I never even had a woman scrub my back (yadda yadda, I mean after I was an infant).

    This is going to be pretty damned good.

    /****************new Q***************
    Can I use this on my balls too, or is that going to spread weird bacteria?
    *************************************/

    I don't know, it's just going to be good to scrub my back for once in my life. Probably feel pretty good, I bet.

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