The funny RL observations and anecdotes thread RPG omnibus

**Jizzelbin** · 25 May 2015 05:31 PM

Here's a good one - back up at the liquor store trying (yet again) to replace some high-end vodka I drank with cheap plonk (in my defense, they'll never know the difference), I ran into that dude in the blue shirt people were running after. Yes, he still had on the same shirt.

His name is Fernando and his big idea is, "I give it back to the people! You see!" And, yes, he is an old fart.

I found a new sports bar next door to the liquor store -- not that I'd have any reason to go there again, nor opportunity, but it was pretty awesome. Packed to the gills with retirees who all seemed to know each other, dark, and extremely mellow.

Three dollars for a pint of crapWeiser seems a little steep, though.

**Jizzelbin** · 25 May 2015 05:42 PM

OTOH I got four soft tacos at the "Taco Bell" just now and had the "shift leader" be about the best customer-service rep I ever saw. That followed by a trip for some wine to the Rite-Aid (US drugstore) served by the manager, who was like the friendliest guy ever. I guess both of them were trying to model to their employees how to be awesome.

OTOH I had to walk down a major street to get there lined with pennants of the fallen -- and I was wearing a ballcap, and it got to be tiresome trying to keep up the charade of removing my cap and looking sad every time I passed one of those pennants.

OTOH, that might be why I got such great service -- people confusing me for a grieving widow or something.

**Jizzelbin** · 25 May 2015 05:55 PM

And, no, I'm not a demanding customer -- in fact, I'm extremely polite (usually), always wait patiently in line, answer "Great! How's it going over here?" when asked the usual pleasantries.

In fact, I might be the best customer in the world!

It's the hipsters who don't know how to be cool who are my bugbear.

**Jizzelbin** · 25 May 2015 06:58 PM

"I had some hellebore in there," --"Oh I had some of those, just terrible" "Well these were just OK" "Well I must have had some of the ugly ones"

What in the hell is wrong with these people?

I think this lady is trying to sell her house -- jeez, if she'd told me in advance, I wouldn't be hanging out on the porch drinking beer.

Since she didn't say anything, she's just going to have to deal with prospective homeowners looking at some fat-ass drinking and smoking ten feet from her house.

That is just plain dumb to not take care of your own shit, and then to passive-aggressively expect people to help your business interests.

Dumb cunt.

**Jizzelbin** · 05 Jun 2015 03:41 PM

A couple of lucious melons were sitting down about 25' from me. Pretty damned (a) sure they were talking very VERY flattering things about me and (b) one looked like a lady in a porno I like.

ETA no, the other one looks like a bookworm nerd, and the other is a chub. I'm not picky, though -- a good woman can come in many forms.

Then some douche came over who apparently knows both of them.

And now all I want to do is kick some ass and rape the women.

Sure, fine, call me a bastard, whatever.

I can't help what I feel like doing!

Also, I spilled coffee on my newly-cleaned white shirt. So sue me, you dickheads! It happens.

**Trojan Man** · 05 Jun 2015 03:48 PM

Corellas are birds. I would not pay 5c for a Budweiser. It's so watery and unsatisfying.

**Jizzelbin** · 05 Jun 2015 04:14 PM

Not so much as the Korean conversation I've been eavesdropping on for this past twenty minutes -- no, I don't speak Korean, but I think I can understand a bit. These people are fucking having the stupidest conversation I've ever heard.

**Jizzelbin** · 05 Jun 2015 04:15 PM

Do my sex questions next!

**Trojan Man** · 05 Jun 2015 06:05 PM

No one wants to know about your sex, shit-for-brains.

**Jizzelbin** · 05 Jun 2015 10:58 PM

You are a dickhead, Trojan Ass.

Everyone else plays nicely, except for my occasional outbursts into profanity and rage, except for you.

Just play along, man!

**Jizzelbin** · 05 Jun 2015 11:02 PM

Originally posted by Trojan Man

No one wants to know about your sex, shit-for-brains.

Fine then talk about the chink conversation I overheard.

OMG I don't give a shit -- just talk about something.

**Jizzelbin** · 06 Jun 2015 10:24 PM

So, here's a good one: this guy I know from the HOA, I asked him, "hey, you think it's too dry to chuck a cigarette off the balcony?"

Classic. He just flings his off and says, literally, "see and find out!"

That's pretty classic Americanism -- also, hugely irresponsible, but that's part of it.

Thing is, he's not a Westerner -- he's from Syracuse, NY. Still, though.

Gotta love it. And hate it. Or whatever. That's what people do.

He might be wiresharking me. Eh, whatever, fuck him.

**Jizzelbin** · 08 Jun 2015 09:53 PM

Finally broke down and came in to see one of jazzBassman's concerts -- hey, I was on the way home yesterday, and had a few beers.

Holy shit, that guitarist he brought in was hot stuff. Very much a clone of Wes, but he did it extremely well. BassMan seemed off his feed -- intonation was pretty poor on the upright.

The crowd was lame -- I think I was the only one out of maybe thirty neighbors who seemed to enjoy myself and knew the proper etiquette for a jazz concert. Viz., occasionally finger pop, say the occasional "yeah" when someone plays a nice little phrase, and even occasionally clap after a hot solo (the latter -- yeah, don't do it after every solo. that's a little square, but if someone really *says* a great solo and they pass it off to the next guy, what are you going to do? it's a performance, after all).

**Rube E. Tewesday** · 09 Jun 2015 07:13 AM

Jazz rules are their own thing, though. And as jazz clubs get rarer and rarer, the rules will only get more obscure.

**Jizzelbin** · 09 Jun 2015 04:35 PM

Well, sure, but it's not really any difference between a rock concert or whatever. I wouldn't call them rules, but, just proper behavior.

**Trojan Man** · 09 Jun 2015 05:39 PM

And if anyone's a stickler for proper behaviour, it's da Jizz xD

**Jizzelbin** · 09 Jun 2015 05:40 PM

Oh wipe that face off your head, Trojan Ass.

I behave impeccably -- except when people cheese me off.

ETA well, people often get up my ass with their bullshit.

But it's the principle of the thing.

**Trojan Man** · 09 Jun 2015 05:43 PM

Yes, having to tolerate us inferior boorish peeps, no wonder you drop the veil occasionally.

**Jizzelbin** · 09 Jun 2015 05:50 PM

Originally posted by Trojan Man

Yes, having to tolerate us inferior boorish peeps, no wonder you drop the veil occasionally.

I didn't say anyone was inferior -- except the hippies, the yuppies, the meth-heads, and those under thirty.

And I certainly do have to tolerate them.

I just am not happy about it.

**Jizzelbin** · 10 Jun 2015 08:12 PM

Originally posted by Trojan Man

Yes, having to tolerate us inferior boorish peeps, no wonder you drop the veil occasionally.

Apparently my namesake at the Chacoboard "veils" "threats" of "rape" really well.

If I want to talk about raping somebody, you'll damned well know it.

Bunch of puss-asses.

**Jizzelbin** · 10 Jun 2015 08:15 PM

//-********************************
Has anyone seen a bus-driver have the classic "thousand-yard stare"? Just looking, in face of wall-to-wall traffic, just maintaining a steely, yet somewhat insane, gaze?

**Trojan Man** · 10 Jun 2015 08:25 PM

Oh so you're butthurt at Chacoguy? OK.

**Jizzelbin** · 10 Jun 2015 08:53 PM

What? Of course, why not?

It's like someone making fun of Chaco, or Giraffe, or Smelly, or some derper mode like Corky from *LA Law* -- it's just fun, but in small doses.

What do you care so much about?

But I don't understand your obsession with randos -- just hang at the Snackpit if you want.

I like this board, and most of the people here -- including you, you've been generous with your music and your time, even though you're a cunt -- and I dislike coming here and seeing a bunch of off-board drama.

**Trojan Man** · 10 Jun 2015 10:25 PM

What drama? You're the only one here who drama-queens the place up.

I have no obsession with ''randos''. Even if I did, what explanation would I owe you?

**Trojan Man** · 10 Jun 2015 10:28 PM

Originally posted by Jizzelbin

<snip> even though you're a cunt

Oh darlin', you made me blush like a delicate flower on a sping day.

**Jizzelbin** · 13 Jun 2015 12:25 PM

IRL I hate your avatar. I think it's ugly and blocky.

**Jizzelbin** · 21 Jul 2015 12:59 PM

Well, that was interesting. I know someone else here has complained about a sibling IRL. Now it's my turn. Apparently my sister didn't much like me criticizing the state of my parents' yardkeeping and varmint control, when I came to visit while they're out of town. On Facebook. Despite me not mentioning any names.

So, this cunt decided it would be best to leave me a voice message, which I wish I hadn't deleted, saying, "Everyone knows you're at their house, drinking liquor which doesn't belong to you" and blah blah blah.

It has nothing to do with her whatsoever, it isn't her business, and now she is not my FB "friend," thanks to my judicious use of "unfriend" -- no, you paranoid freak, "everyone" doesn't give a shit.

Here's my last communication with her, via text:

Your voice message was completely out of line. Nobody mentioned anybody by name, unlike you who frequently tags me in your comments, and my comments served to introduce intimacy among those who choose to (i) friend me on FB (ii) bother to read other people's timelines. Sorry if your shingles hurt, or whatever, but you are completely out of line saying your incoherent twaddle to me in person.

Her response?

Just stop.

What dumb fucking cunt. What, exactly, motivated her fifteen years ago to join mensa? Inadequate, much? You can take a fucking donkey and cram it, you fat little petty bitch.

**Elendil's Heir** · 21 Jul 2015 11:03 PM

nm

**Jizzelbin** · 22 Jul 2015 07:41 PM

Apparently, word on the street is that there have been a few sightings of a cougar and some cougar cubs (or mountain lions or whatever you want to call them) right in my neighborhood.

Pretty high up on the hierarchy of animals to be very cautious of, in my book. Impressive animals, but I like to watch them behind glass.

**Jizzelbin** · 31 Jul 2015 01:50 PM

This elderly couple next to me are speaking a really strange slavic language. I heard "karoshna," but I don't think it's Russian -- one of the others. I've ruled out Romanian and Portugueuse, when I crossed their paths a few blocks away. Trying to record them so you geniuses can figure it out, but I don't know if I can give it the full Travolta-in-Blow-Out treatment.

ETA

I was a little slow on the trigger, but in the weather of sundresses, this woman was PACKED into a black dress. Her legs were a little cottage-cheesy, but still, that was amusing. Don't know if you can make out the picture -- not a good camera-phone.

http://i.imgur.com/3Oe1odw.jpg

EETA: Shit, well, that's an awful picture. You can get a glimpse, but jpegs are lossy compression. Eh, whatever, photography sucks anyway. Can you believe that dickhead wanted to trade me a Nikon FG and "some" lenses for my Peavey Blues Classic 50? As if!

**Elendil's Heir** · 31 Jul 2015 01:57 PM

Originally posted by Jizzelbin

...Impressive animals, but I like to watch them behind glass.

Kinda like this?:

**Jizzelbin** · 31 Jul 2015 02:09 PM

That was a cool video, very much apropos.

I was all set to say that lady was awesome and that I want her to bear my children, but then she tacked on her little screed about "keep your pets inside!" at the very end.

Still, those were awesome pictures of a very cool species of cat.

**Jizzelbin** · 31 Jul 2015 02:30 PM

OK, this is the audio:

Spoiler (mouseover to read):

https://soundcloud.com/john-le-tourneux/rec001

-- apparently I'd already used soundcloud for other stuff on the TrunkLine, but I'm beyond caring at this point. That's supposed to be a direct link, and you'll have to fast-fwd until they start talking. I really want to know what they were talking about. Towards the end I think they made a disparaging comment about me, but they cut that out after I gave them the hairy eyeball.

A woman in her early-mid-sixties, and a much older man using a walker, probably in his late-seventies or worse.

**Jizzelbin** · 31 Jul 2015 03:28 PM

This is the TOC of the stupidest textbook I have ever seen. "Technical Writing" my hairy ass. Just reading the table of contents makes you dumber by the second. This is garbage written for simpletons. I don't even want to put it in my shoulder bag, because it's going to contaminate everything else in there.

And to cap it off, I come outside of the library to this sight -- a murder of crows or whatever they're called about 18 feet from me in a tree.

**Jizzelbin** · 03 Aug 2015 04:06 PM

"well, that's ONE way to do computer work!"

me -- "oh yeah, beats sitting in a windowless room staring at a computer!"

"no, I meant drinking the whiskey."

-- "well, sure, I guess."

"I find for some things it helps get over the hurdle of writing, and then I can go back the next day and clean it up."

--"i try to get it right the first time."

"I know, but here's my secret, I'm a grad student and I like to write my abstract first, and all of the references, and then, no matter how far I get, it at least looks good."

--"Well, I was going to say two thingsI think you're supposed to do that anyway, and isn't that kind of lazy?"

"But I work three jobs, and, you know."

--"What are you studying?"

"Library science and information science [sic]"

(pause, I nod sagely)

"But I have two jobs, and one I volunteer at, and one kid and a husband."

"OK, have a good day."

You know the type -- mid-life crisis-gal who is overly chatty. In a pleasant way.

I wish I had a better memory for dialogue -- some of this stuff is pretty good.

**Jizzelbin** · 20 Aug 2015 05:20 PM

Zippos are fucking terrible for lighting pipes with. I think I've been spoiled by the Bics, and have relied on my ability to get a quick spark to get it (re)-going. It's not the geometry, nor that I have arthritis (I don't -- lucky me), it's that the flame is loose and sloppy. Great for lighting a campfire, a lady-cigarette, or a 747's gas tanks. Not so great for just giving a quick spurt of heat to an ember in a (TOBACCO! dummies) bowl.

And those things just LEAK butane. And I mean that figuratively. Every time you click open the lid, it's all downhill. And probably most other times as well.

Oh well, I'm glad I sent my two (one I had since I was sixteen, bought new) back to Bradford, PA for repair -- apparently they needed it, because my original brushed-steel works like a champ now.

Somewhat sorry I wasted so many good flints and wicks and fluid trying to diagnose what was probably just a bad batch, bad striker-wheel, or whatever.

But, glad that, since I burned through my last 5-pack of Bics, and being forced to rely on matches and Zippos, I'll probably learn the value of flame.

Prometheus gave, and I take away.

**Jizzelbin** · 20 Aug 2015 05:23 PM

And no, I wasn't shitting you about the next-to-last one -- that actually happened. Some nicely-dressed (for a grad-student in her mid-late thirties) woman actually talks like that. "When I need to start writing." WTF?? I'm not your "writer buddy," bitch. Makes me wonder what bars she drags herself into with lines like that. Pathetic.

**Jizzelbin** · 20 Aug 2015 05:35 PM

Originally posted by Jizzelbin

And those things just LEAK butane. And I mean that figuratively. Every time you click open the lid, it's all downhill. And probably most other times as well.

Shit. Literally AND figuratively. It's a rare occasion, but it happens.

Let's talk about Olestra. Steingarten had plenty of convincing reasons why it is the curus crematorium. Great essay. Then the fraidy-cats said "No! it has glutin! and pizza chimanzee rain forest habitat."

ETA yes you idiots I know goddam well how to spell "gluten" -- that was supposed to be a joke. Chimpanzee, however, was a genuine misspelling.

**Jizzelbin** · 27 Aug 2015 08:24 PM

Well, OK retards. Yes, I know, proper terminology or whatever. I am coming in super-hot, though, and so cut me some slack.

I just now a few hours ago probably dropped a flash drive with a bunch of Fellini flicks I wanted to see because I['m a moron.

Eh, whatever -- easy come, easy go.

This hing starting to piss me off. Yadda yadda, I get some more beer at the grocery and who do I see but Mr Bass player. I say "Hey, you really got that kid working on that country tune." Yadda it went on for like ten minutes and he's like "I really request donation of money, and I don't see you giving any, but you enjoy my music."

So, being a diplamatic guy I deflect and say, "hey, I know how it is" every other word he cuts me off and says "you didn't give me money."

Finally I moved into Vatican II and said, again, with a calm voice, "well, last week, which was the second time you played here, I didn't see a hat being passed around. So who would know?"

This guy has got a bug up his ass. "You come in, dont pay any money, and you enjoy it!"

WTF is this guy's problem? Dude, if it's some packed house or the doors are shut, I'm not going to bust in. Maybe if I was wasted drunk, but this shit is like three in the afternoon.

And after this white coon started gettng all fresh with me after ten minutes of civil convo and I asked, "Well, you're right, and I know it's your party, but what happens when people use the part of the clubhouse you didn't rent? Can they listen to?"

This guy is off his fucking nut. I understand it's "his thing," and I have no intention of taking his "gig" or whatever. I walk by a few weekends ago, doors are wide open, nobody's taking tickets or passing the hat, so I sit in the corner.

Miserable old fool. I was trying to pay that guy a compliment. Some people just can't take "yes" for an answer.

**Jizzelbin** · 27 Aug 2015 09:43 PM

Actually, it would almost be worth renting the goddamm TOP HALF you piece of shit bassist for once in a coon's age, and having the price of admission be to put a nail in a picture of this guy's fucking face. Make it like a fucking voodoo dart game or some shit.

See? I'm a nice guy. This way, everybody wins, and everybody who pays for my shit gets to bang his whore wife and I can get some free roadies to haul my keyboard shit up a few hundred vertical feet.

I knew there was a reason I like *It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia* even though it's a piece of shit show and a piece of shit town.

Fuck you Philadelphia. OMG Italian Mekrt your ass 6ou stupid peter pqn bithce.s

**Jizzelbin** · 27 Aug 2015 11:08 PM

Hey here's one: I actually have started to put out feelers among some people I used to play with looking for an upright bassist.

I'm not going to pat the guutarisr or me shit, but I'm going to give the bassist fifty bucks out ofp pocket -plys all the door money they cn get.

I'm school that little jazz bitch.

don't even care what genre -- we'kk pkay bossa nvam welll play fucking dixeiland

that bitch iw going odown.

**Jizzelbin** · 27 Aug 2015 11:13 PM

That no-playing son-of-a-bitch fool.

Fuck with me, bozo, and I'm going to set your whole family iright.

Who the fuck is this no-playing boner dickface clown?

**Jizzelbin** · 27 Aug 2015 11:50 PM

Yu fucking tell me how to play dixeie;annd gyou asssclown.. I ffucking tll you qnd I'll play your hodedammn paty., Shit, bitchm, never heard of 'bigb bass drum[ eben a ta4ereretad cdan g apkay it;

A big bass drum gooing to l3ad the parad3e
All those high-stepping momms,
down dow t hatapoulla bstreet

le mtnhear you wing it, lets go

**Jizzelbin** · 27 Aug 2015 11:53 PM

drinking cocoa wine, all on MG Dq\a

Big chiwd was high down on cocoanuts

I like to hear 3hem shout
OQAMDG

Le tme hear hear it now you say it

**Jizzelbin** · 28 Aug 2015 12:11 AM

Well, speaking more reasonably. The only equitable solution is a jazz bass battle. Do we have bassist? Yes, and no. Can an organist do it close enough for jazz? Should there be a battle?

Yeah, probably.

Should the loser eat a bunch of ball?

Yeah, sure whatever.

<Insert youtube clip of some Liszt crazy bullshit and JOS faking it>

And the winner is.........drumroll you stupid cowards.......ahem........drumrolll.lllll.....llll lll
>

Whatever, fine, Orson Wellles.

**Jizzelbin** · 28 Aug 2015 08:35 PM

Wow, apparently the old man had too much wine. You know, everything's great until somebody ticks you off. And then the hounds of hell come out.

Yeah, yeah, it sounds awesome, but, trust me, it's not.

The opposite of action is not reaction, but resigned, quiet silence.

But, for a student of life, the world is to be participated in, enjoyed, populated with words.

Dismal, but vociferous, resignation.

Eh whatever, fuck off.

**Jizzelbin** · 01 Sep 2015 12:06 PM

His new name is "Sideshow Dave." I've resolved that, just as synthesis, in the Hegelian sense, goes hand-in-hand with narrative, abstraction relates to irony.

I don't know how you'd put it on a GRE or LSAT, like synthesis:narrative :: abstraction:irony. I have some formal models in a random Description Logic I jotted down yesterday.

Either way, my solution to my problem is both a way of dealing with distracting people, and of providing a precompositional strategy for future endeavors.

Just thought you'd like to know. Fascinating, I'm sure.

**Jizzelbin** · 08 Mar 2016 11:28 PM

What's up with people today? Weird. Just annoying. I go up to the condo clubhouse a few hours ago to chill out online, float something by on FB and here, test out my new system of organizing music on my little tablet (just thinning the pile -- I can't deal with having hundreds of albums just lying around, so I can't find what I want to listen to easily), and I think it came out that some bitch has a profound lack of "inside voice" revealed herself to this other guy, about my age, as some kind of blues musician with a "gig" tonight.

Yeah, whatever -- I want to know how someone who can't have a conversation inside without sounding like a parody of Edie McClurgh insists on breathing, let alone saying "hi" to me. As though I remember her name, meeting her, or anything.

So I'm chilling, listening to Sonny Clark on earbuds, and this other guy, Chris, comes in and is like "John! How's it going!" I make a big deal about squinting to see the twenty feet, then give him the big hee-haw, "Oh, hi, Chris!" About a half an hour later, padding around near me, "So, how's school going, John!" while I'm typing something. "Oh, hey, yeah, good. How are things going with you."

I don't know where people get the balls. Small town living. Fucking do not like this town. Everyone thinks this is some little community. Let's be neighbors! City of neighbors! Love our garden, love our town!

Do not be a good neighbor to me. It's mildly annoying.

************************************************** **
************************************************** **

Oh, and I see "observations" in the thread title. So allow me to observe: I finally got around to putting some pipe tobacco on my desk and spending days just looking at it, and resisting the urge to light up.

I've discovered that people who claim to be "addicted" to tobacco are weak-minded little pansies. If somebody who can hardly refrain from jerking off when seeing a nice ass can figure it out, fucking anyone can.

Pansy jerkwad fuckers. I blame them for making me have another dubious reason to spread my message of hate.

**Jizzelbin** · 12 Mar 2016 04:02 PM

Yeah, so I saw for the first time in months a fellow condo-denizen up at the rec room -- ex-marine economist investment banker. Solid guy -- we traded a quick salute and nod, earbuds in, and back to computers, when I came up here. Yes, I've met his wife, we shared a hot tub while I tried to get a quick refresher/insight into putting an investment idea into open-form, we played Risk, he doesn't drink, etc.

As he was leaving, he kind of turned and faced me, just in the course of putting his shit in his satchel, and he did some chit-chat, and we talked about how he dropped "Introduction to Group Theory" (and I bit my tongue -- he's goddamned like in his early forties -- older than me, anyway, and he has a good reason to take stupid UG classes since, last time we talked, he was trying to prep for an advanced degree in economics -- and abstract algebra is really fundamental and awesome, to me),

anyway, whatever,

but it occurred to me>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

drumrolll******************

I think I've become one of those guys who looks people in the eye until the other person averts their gaze.

NOOOOOOOOOOO

No, I haven't, but this guy just seemed depressed and shit, and I couldn't help but look. Not enough to care, "Hey, did your fat wife ball a black guy?" But, still, enough to.

Oh fuck I'm getting too old for this shit.

**Jizzelbin** · 02 Apr 2016 01:38 PM

Well, I met the owner of this bar called the "Commodore" two hours ago. It came out that he's an actual drag queen. Really nice guy -- when he left the bar over to his employee, he actually came over to the pool table where I was just practicing and shook my hand, saying "it was nice meeting you."

Maybe I'm a crabby old man, but that was nice feeling welcome, and as I told him, "Hey, thanks for not kicking me out for drinking like six beers at eight in the morning."

It's nice to find a new place to spend a few hours, grab a game of pool with some rando, and just sit online, and practice some pool by myself, watch TV, work off my hangover, and chat with people.

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