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Thread: The funny RL observations and anecdotes thread RPG omnibus

  1. #451
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    I am so fucked. All of it thanks to abusing my overdraft protection.

    Doesn't help that this week I didn't put in very many hours at work, because of, essentially, lack of stuff to do.

    Fortunately, I was able to unlink my checking account from Geico in order to defer payment until next week. But that's going to be a shit show, especially if I can't pay the premium next week. And, no, I have no idea how much they're going to roll over in fees and recomputed monthly premiums once I reconnect my automatic deposit.

    And forget about the electrical bill. Well, I stay on top of that, at least in the past, and I suspect they're happy enough to wait a bit, just so long as I don't blow them off for like months. At least I think so.

    With any luck, my paycheck this Friday should cover (barely) the overdraft fees and the hundy I withdrew with it. If not, when I see the pending deposit tomorrow, I can do a cash deposit at the ATM.

    No, this is going of weeks where there's going to be no going out, no buying beers, and hoping against hope I don't run out of gas during the commute.

    With some good luck, I can get by by buying a big bag of drugstore pipe tobacco. Or just severely curtail my cigarette use. Either way I'm not going to be happy about that, especially.

    Sobering thoughts, indeed.

    So, the lesson of the tale is (i) don't be a spendthrift (ii) don't be greedy (iii) pay all your bills early, when you're sure you can cover it (iv) and don't be broke, because it sucks.

    And, no, I don't have any good ways to raise some quick cash: I guess I could sell some books, but I've already trimmed my modest library down to the bare wire. I don't have any musical equipment I want to sell. Pawn shop for musical equipment? But I just don't know where one is near me, and I don't want to burn the gas. I only probably have a couple bucks in empty beer cans: not really worth it, also that is quite a drive to the return center.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 19 Sep 2019 at 12:12 AM.

  2. #452
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Well, turns out it's not quite as bad as all that. Pending deposit of this week's paycheck, which is much larger than I feared, I can cover Geico and have like thirty something bucks left over for some gasoline and sundries. And I was able to buy a big bag of pipe tobacco today, which will last me quite a while.

    Electric company? Meh, they're not disconnect me, given that I regular pay up per month for years and years: I think they only shutoff your power if you're like months deliquent or something.

    Not going to be drinking much beer for the next few weeks, though, I'll tell you what!

    That's probably for the best.

  3. #453
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    That's not, from what I can see, true, about my local electrical utility: they care if you have made NO payments for, I think fifteen days after the "due date" for the current bill.

    Usually I just slip them a ten or a twenty (electronically!) per week or whenever I feel like it, and it's been a dog's age since I got one of those fancy-colored envelopes in the mail. The bill always gets paid, I just don't see the percentage in putting myself out to do it all at once.

    Meh, maybe I'll have them take a five-dollar token payment tomorrow or late tonight when my paycheck clears.

    Or, maybe I'll just wait and see what happens.

    They shouldn't be fucking with me, IMHO, since it's been years I've been making good on my bill at the same address, but, you never know.

    OR, I bite the bullet and call the number and say, "Yo, this week's drop is going to be a little late, cool? You're going to get your money, but don't send your people after me or nothing."

    Really. A telephone.

    In this day and age.

    Well, OK, if that's their procedure.

  4. #454
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Jesus fucking christ.

    I just spent about six or seven minutes trying to capture (then crush — I am not a good man) this baby rat around my bathroom.

    Almost had it under the toilet plunger a few times.

    Ah, but at least it appeared to have escaped into one of my hall closets where I keep clean bath towels near to the floor. Or my bedroom.

    Shit.

    That was no mouse I ever seen, that was a goddamned baby rat.

    FUCK.

    Well, I guess I live in interesting times.

    So, apparently my small surplus of money is going into getting big ass traps and you best believe I'm going to be crossing my fingers in the hopes I get it.

    "It?" Pretty damned sure it's not just one.

    I am a complete slob, always have been, wherever I've lived, but I've never had even so much as a cockroach or anything bigger than a pantry moth in my places.

    Fuck.

    Maybe it's the weather changing to the rainy season?

    I don't know the reasons, all I know is those varmints, or at least the one, is going down.

    And, no, I came so close to catching under the toilet plunger, and there's no doubt I would have crushed it and nuked it from orbit.

    Yeah, maybe I'm a bad man, but, I'm sorry, I just can't have that in here.

    ETA could explain the rotting smell from my crawl space above my home office.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 19 Sep 2019 at 11:33 PM.

  5. #455
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    That's it. I'm buying strychnine and a bunch of rat traps.

    If there's some goddamned infestation, those motherfuckers are going down.

    Can't have it.

  6. #456
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    You can easily buy strychnine in your jurisdiction?

  7. #457
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Pretty sure. If not, AMZ delivers all kinds of stuff that is otherwise not supposed to be shipped by the federal post office.

    If not, whatever is in rat poison that isn't strychnine. I have heard rats find it delicious, and then they go apeshit, either hiding in the walls, or leaving trails of blood and viscera all over the place.

    I think it could have been a mouse, though: it was about three-and-a-half to four inches long, including the tail. It had rounded ears, like a rat, and was brown in color like a rat, but those can be features of mice as well.

    No food products in my kitchen have been visibly disturbed, nor have I found any droppings.

    ETA Perhaps not. There seem to be some controls over its purchase by people without some kind of credentials or license. But, similar to buying lock-picking equipment, it wouldn't surprise me if it could be found pretty easily.

    EETA You can absolutely buy strychnine-containing bait and are legally allowed to use it for below-ground pests, provided the product contains no more than 0.5% of the chemical. Cite: this PDF data sheet issued by the US Environmental Protection Agency
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 20 Sep 2019 at 01:13 PM.

  8. #458
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    EEETA However, its handling is known to be not very good for humans at all, through multiple modes of transmission.

    So, one would be, it seems, advised to wear a respirator, gloves, and other protective equipment.

    And it wouldn't be a bad idea to purchase ahead of time a bottle of ToxiBan Suspension, so to minimize the risk of perishing on the way to the ER.

    All these products are available on AMZ for relatively low cost.

    Strychnine would appear to be difficult to synthesize without a relatively sophisticated home laboratory.

  9. #459
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    "Popcorn you can trust."

    That is one big horseshit slogan.

    I want to know three things about microwave popcorn:

    (i) Is it wholesome?

    (ii) Does it taste good?

    (iii) Will it give me diarrhea?

    Actually, any food, really.

    Bunch of ponces with their fancy slogans.

  10. #460
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    OK, fine.

    I believe I can trust Jolly Time Blast o' Butter microwave popcorn to deliver remarkably few unpopped kernels, with no burning, and a completely recklessly delicious flavor.

    And it appears to be wholesome — I didn't find any rodent hairs or spurious elements in my sampling.

    While it's too early to tell, I'm fairly certain the fiber content of the corn will not inspire loose stool.

    It's still a stupid slogan, though.

    AND I'm glad I didn't find a live mouse in the microwave, because then I would have been FORCED to close the door and nuke it, which would have put an end to...any future use of the microwave. Well, I guess I could have cleaned it....but...mmmm....I don't know. Maybe if I was really drunk I'd eventually have cleaned up the cremains.

  11. #461
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    That was kind of funny.

    So, I stop in at this grocery store probably once a day. Sometimes on the way to work, with my little "high-visibility safety vest" with all my badge and work gloves and shit clipped onto it, often on the way home to pick up a beer or something to eat.

    Obviously, I'm first-name with most of the regular cashiers, if I'm buying cigarettes or whatever, usually they'll ask "cigs?" and I'll "please, yep, two packs."

    That kind of thing.

    Ahh. The plot thickens. There's a younger woman (I don't know, late-twenties, early-thirties) who's an assistant front-end supervisor named "Missy" (no kidding). She's pretty darned hefty, but not really like orca-fat. And she's cool.

    I was leaving the checkout lane and she made a big point of giving me a big wave as I was leaving with a nice smile.

    Hmmm...yeah, I could go me some of that. Never been with a bigger gal, but she's cool and she's not THAT big. Just....husky....I guess. I don't care, she's cool, and I'm pretty sure her parts are in the right places.

    ////////////

    Oh, there's a younger woman at work. Her English isn't too good, and she's probably in her early twenties. Native Spanish speaker. Good steady worker, good to be around, doesn't get in the way.

    I think she's got something in mind with me, although I'm not sure what. She always trusts me to answer questions or even just sometimes to have a small joke or complaint. I wonder if she doesn't have a bit of a crush on me. Or, maybe she thinks of me as like a friendly uncle or something, which is fine too.

    Not sure if I can go that young, and it wouldn't feel right, like dating a student....ahem....not that....I wouldn't know anything about that, but it's not entirely the best idea.

    But I do like that she's getting more comfortable being part of the team (no, I don't mean "Team ME!") and is adapting well to the job. That makes me happy: I think it's difficult for newer hires to acclimate, when a lot of us have been together a while and have inside jokes and just are pretty rowdy. About half-and-half men and women: all equally rowdy. Racially? I don't know, probably half-and-half black and white, and a few Latinos and Indians, so, you know, just a pretty mixed bunch but we all know each other pretty good so for a newbie, maybe kind of intimidating.

    So, I'm happy she's finding her place and being a little more confident in joking around. Her English is really not that good, but it's OK.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 26 Sep 2019 at 08:08 PM.

  12. #462
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    I don't know, kind of cute, dumpy, brunette woman whom I could probably convince to go do some crimes with.

    Nah.

    I could probably convince her I was challenged in some ways and get her to take me home with her.
    Oh, turns out, no need.

    It happens she asked me if I wouldn't mind assisting her ward while he was populating some empty sorting racks with empty bags. Apparently she's not allowed to assist her charge with work, but she's supposed to...I don't know what exactly. Whatever she does.

    Of course, I was glad to. Not just because she asked, but just because, you know, that's just what you should do if some help is needed.

    Oh, believe me, man, she was beaming with all kinds of smiles, and not just polite friendly, but like "Oh, my tender parts are aware, what a kind, polite, humble, and capable man!"

    Although...what's with the thick layer of pancake makeup? It looks OK from a distance, and she has good hair, is of a preferred girl-height and weight...the yoga pants are a nice touch. What does she have a history of syphilis or something?

    Well, whatever.

    I don't need to try to bang every woman I interact with in a friendly way.

    Maybe some mysteries are best left unsolved.

    It's still nice to be friendly and professional.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 26 Sep 2019 at 08:36 PM.

  13. #463
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Ah. I think I found the best solution to a case like Mo___an, assuming she didn't quit (no one's seen her for a few weeks, she might have taken some vacation or something).

    She's probably justifiably intimidated by the height difference between us.

    In addition to the extremely unlikely event that she's not interested in me except as a friendly coworker.

    Anyway.

    So, the general solution is to say, "Hey, I get it, I'm bigger and stronger than you and I sometimes use foul language. So, what you should do is punch me in the face as hard as you can. No rings on the fingers, though, but go ahead. Then, when you see I remain completely calm and don't retaliate, you can let me ride you like a bitch, and you can even be on top."

    Problem solved.

    Or answer in search of a problem.

  14. #464
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Well, that's one possible interesting thing to do.

    I don't think it's a reasonable request, although the right girl might think it's kind of funny.

    ////////

    About "Missy" (yes, that is her name), yeah, so this morning I dropped by on my way down to do some pool and have some breakfast.

    Yeah, I just walked up to her register (she was the only one on point, so it wasn't like I chose her line).

    Her: "Two packs?"
    Me: "Yes, please!"
    Her: "hundreds or...."
    Me: "No, just king size, you know the shorts....I still can't figure out who buys the 100s..."
    Her: "Yeah, I know, we were just talking about..."
    Me: "Right, yeah, that was a few weeks ago...well, I guess still don't know."
    Her: "Eleven <something>...."
    Me: "Sure, here's twenty and let me get some change....here's twenty and sixty cents [or whatever]"
    Her: "OK, here's twelve cents back [or whatever]."
    Me: "Yep. <hand outstretched, palm flat, like a good customer>"
    [BLAMMO!!!! she misses her target and the change goes onto the rubber conveyer belt!]
    Her: "OH, [I don't remember if she said 'damn' or 'shit'or 'darn', she wasn't happy]. Sorry!"
    Me: "Oh, that's probably my fault."
    Her: "Both our faults."
    Me: "Well, I'll take the fall on this one"
    Her: "No, I got it, I'll take the heat."

    I think that's a pretty accurate transcription.

    She just got flustered and was able to recover her wits and didn't really drop much of her cool in the process.

    So, yeah, she wants me, pretty much.

    So, I got that going for me, but I don't ask service women out as a rule. Although since half the time I see her it's really early in the morning, like zero customers except me...no, still no. I'm not going to chat her up about her job and stuff.

    That is nice, though.

    ////////////

    Speaking of women service women, I did order breakfast this morning along with some beers and quarters for the pool table. I don't know what Britt***'s problem is, lately, she's just been really bitchy. Not to me, specifically, just in general.

    So I get two eggs, wheat toast, potatoes, bacon, and like I always do I make little sandwiches out of them. You know, it's just...I don't know, just the way I always ate bar breakfasts.

    Her: "Oh, you make little sandwiches! That's pretty smart!" (She's genuinely being her regular friendly self here, not sarcastic).
    Me: "<Smirk, eye contact>. Not really."

    That kind of deflated her ego a bit, I think.

    Whatever funk she's been in, I think she's been trying to come out of it and having a quiet bar on a Saturday morning, with me and a few well-known cabbies (she fucking despises Bill, for some reason, I think if I take her at her word because he'll hold court on Sunday afternoon [it's a football bar, so, crowded then], even though he brings people in and orders big and tips big, because he's a big fat old cabbie), so it seemed like normal for her, me practicing pool, drinking steadily, eating something, obviously I tip good.

    So, I feel kind of bad about that.

    No, I mean, I'd screw her and everything, but I don't think of her in that way, and my great fear is that she suspects I'm one of those people who has a "zomg crush on the bartender!" Fucking no fucking way. If I did I would did something about it.

    But she is super-nice, and I try to be nice in return.

    //////////

    AND yes, it would seem the closest relationships I have are with women who sell me things, and people I work with. That's pretty much it.

  15. #465
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    You know, I could probably change my rule about asking service women out.

    After all, when you walk up to her and without saying nothing she's like "Two packs or one?" it's kind of not like being a complete creep to say, when she invariably asks, "Having a good morning?"

    Not much of a stretch to say, "Oh, just planning out my day, got the day off. Play some pool, drink some beers. You shoot pool?"

    Yeah, I think my rules are a bit too rigid: it can be allowed.

    I'll allow it.

    Also, I want to know what a big girl is like in the sack. Like do they fart a lot more than regular ones? Is she going to use all my toilet paper? Is the bed frame going to break?

    Probably..........one third of those is possible.

    No, I'm sure she's a nice girl.

  16. #466
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, there are so many funny RL observations recently.

    But, for fun, here's a Not-RL observation. Check this shit out.

    I followed the link from some moron on another board about....I think some idiot was saying some garbage about "Turing equivalence" and "Turing completeness" in a completely wrong context.

    But, holy shit.

    This is the reason you don't learn things and science and stuff from random blogs. Not that the author, whose handle I won't name, isn't wrong, but well, the entire approach is wrong.

    And it's offensive.

    To anyone who has ever read more than one book about complexity theory.

    The illiterate prose. The random condescension. The lack of anything anywhere resembling a coherent thought.

    It is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard.

    I award him no points, and may God have mercy on his soul.

  17. #467
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Actually, I shouldn't have said "complexity theory." That's something else.

    To mock the "author" of that "special" blog, I'll just say "we say computational theory, or sometimes for short the computational time for which to compute the complexity of operations." Yes, that's meant to sound stupid. But, it's sort of accurate.

    Why?

    Why do people read this crap?

    There are actual books written by real people. Some of those also do some blogs. But not nerd blogs.

    There is a giant nerd-bro cesspit into which I'd like to throw fake pundits, stupid webcomic authors and such.

    I'd rather let NatalieDee take care of them. At least she's cool.

    Epic bacon, good sir! Another game of D&D? Or perhaps a refreshing round of XKCD? Why yes, milord! Would you like a Quine or a logic? Nay, mine sooth lord, for that would be a liberal art, good sir!

    No. No.

    No.

    None of this shit.

  18. #468
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    You know, it turns out I caught (well, killed by an instrument of killing, namely a Victor [!] brand mousetrap) my first mouse.

    It's kind of not my favorite task, using a pair of pliers and dumping the trap+corpse into the dumpster. I've dealt with dead animals before, but not this kind, where I used the device with the "kill bar" (technical term!).

    Call me a spendthrift, but I'm not reusing the trap. Straight to trash.

    Eh, one down, who knows how many to go.

    I don't care anymore. Fuck it. I'll still leave a few traps out, but I don't fucking care. They seem kind of dumb, and since they haven't been into my pantry or left a bunch of droppings, whatever.

  19. #469
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Man, I ain't riding in no goddamned trunk for no minute.

    This is what happens when you take some paid time off because they managers scheduled shit wrong. Fucking idiots, taking their marching orders from Seattle, when everybody knows what the situation is on the floor, or they would if they didn't keep pulling each others' puds and paid attention, rather than dealing with their problems of attrition and making some correlations between their under-the-roof-time and the amount of volume they keep shovelling into this warehouse.

    You know, the UTR metrics, employee retention ... this is really something that can be taken care of. Instead of "promoting" a half-dozen more people into doing a sucker's job, called being an "Ambassador," maybe you can work on building your crews up to a competent level.

    And stop all this stupid bullshit about "pins" and "badges" and "wear your stupid costume" day: we don't need any more ambassadors, we don't need any of that bullshit, and we certainly don't give a shit about your stupid company scrip. The latter is like Venezuelan currency: worthless. We need actual people who know what they're doing, which is me and a dozen or so from my crew. And no bullshit about "Oh, let me scan you out for break!" Like they're doing me a fucking favor. Bullshit. We know what we're doing, and if you send down ridiculous, nonsensical routes, then, well, that's your problem.

    It's OK, because I had about three hours sleep last night, after pulling a double shift yesterday at the warehouse. And picked up an extra shift on Friday. Bah, it evens out and puts me slightly ahead into the black.

    Oh, yeah.

    What happens?

    I go and get myself a haircut and do some laundry.

    About fucking time. Penny. Dude, she did about the worst haircut I ever seen. I'm not picky, but that is some raggedy ass shit. Meh, I tipped her five bucks. She'll live.

    Oh yeah, and I got via text this morning that my fucking mother is back in the hospital with her colitis shit again. Goddamned it. Literally about a mile from my place. I guess they're going to keep her for two or three days. I don't have any more information, just whatever.

    You can't ride up front with me. The surprise element is ninety percent of it. I am sorry, man, but I ain't getting in no goddamned trunk.

  20. #470
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    Enough is enough.

    I can't be sitting around my place all day, just at my desk.

    It only takes one misguided impulse, like glancing at Melanie Lynskey's wikipedia page, and I have powerful urges.

    Normally, I think those are sublimated by usual social interactions.

    I think I'm going to drink a bunch of beer, smoke some cigarettes, and just not let it get the better of me.

    Yes, I admit I want to tie Melanie Lynskey up and dominate her in the bedroom.

    FFS, that's plenty normal.

    It's just not a thought I want to have: it's unremarkable, uninteresting, but compelling in an odd, visceral sense.

    Isn't there something else I should be doing? Like memorizing some piano music, or finally setting up the Hammond in my front room after how many years?

    No. Not really.

    I'm just going to drink beer and think about Melanie Lynskey.

    That is the way of shame.

  21. #471
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    Going back to an earlier observation, yesterday I stayed a bit later at work to TCB and for some extra scratch.

    Yes, indeed, I don't know how that happened, but this new crew just seemed to defer (or at least cooperate in a non-combative manner) with me. I guess they think I know what I'm doing, but probably not from any direct observation. I think that's a good "look," even though it's not something I cultivated or wanted to have. Just kind of like the guy who's supposed to know stuff. Now, this isn't rocket shit or anything, but still, I found that odd.

    ///////

    What was genuinely funny was when I went in after work to my usual place a few hours later. This chorus of a few people: "You're late!" Bunch of jokers. Yeah, I know who they are, and, obviously likewise. Bunch of jokers.

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