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Thread: The funny RL observations and anecdotes thread RPG omnibus

  1. #251
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    I can just say "Hi!" or "Good morning!" like I do with other people whom I vaguely know.

    The hump is over!
    Oh, the reason I can do this now -- obviously, I can and do say "Hi!" to lots of people everyday -- is that there's no subtle plan that makes my greeting her like some stupid pick-up chump.

    I can say "Hi" to her just the same as the rest of my people.

    No deception, no strategy, no secrets.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 06 May 2018 at 05:10 PM. Reason: rmvd anti-PUA/anti-MRA rant against dishonest scumbag asswipes

  2. #252
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    Oh, and she's on birth control pills.

    Don't even ask.

    I can tell.

  3. #253
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    Oh yes, and when WareGirl gets over my beatnik lifestyle and grooves on me, she's the ultimate candidate for the good-old doggie-style.

    Maybe not, maybe she likes it face-to-face.

    I can adapt.

    Of course, I've still gotta start saying "Hi!" to her like my regular coworkers.

    That's a minor detail. Better not be any of that condom shit, though -- if there is, I'm making her put in on. If I wanted to touch my own dick, I'd just stay home. I want what she's got, and let us pray that the hygiene is minimally-piscime.

    Well, she can be cleaned up in short order. I have 50-gallon drums just for that purpose, plus an extra snorkel or improvised breathing tube.

    It's really hard to dry wet skin, though -- I only like my women wet in certain places, not all over. And, no, I don't own a hand-held hair dryer.

    Still think putting sheets on my bed and putting it back together with the frame and "box spring" would be a good idea...but who has the time!

    Maybe just do it in the road.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 07 May 2018 at 02:46 PM.

  4. #254
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    Oh, and I've figured out why men (some) wear undershirts (T-shirt kind, not wifebeaters,which don't do threalat much.


    Your real shirt wlll still get soaked with sweat, but unlike just wearing a cotton T, there's some kind of air-buffer between the layers that seems to mitigate chances of getting hypothermia from walking around ina fully-soaked cotton shirt which will NEVER dry out so long as you're wearing it.

    The outer shirt will still get soaked, but you have a better chance of putting, say, a pad of post-it notes or a pack of cigs and not having them get ruined.

    And don't even tell me that bullshit about putting your fags in your socks -- that's a one way ticket to damp hell.

    Maybe rolling up in your T-shirt sleeves works, but somehow, I think that little trick belongs WAY WAY in the past. Might as well wear a pompadour or a DA.

    Although! Still, always carry a comb in my back pocket and am not shy about giving a quick once over, no matter the time and place.

    This has been a public-service announcement.

  5. #255
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    OK, what is the fucking deal.

    I say "Hi!" with a smile or "Good morning!" to probably twenty people every day.

    I say "Hi!" to this broad once, albeit without a broad shit-eating grin.

    She grunts out some "huhHI."

    That's it.

    I'm cutting her head off with a chainsaw and dropping the meaty bits in one of the wildcat exhibits at the local zoo. I don't know what to do with the head. Bowling-ball bag? Home embalming secrets from ancient Egyptian aliens? Naw, probably just toss it in the dumpster.

    Bitch.

    It doesn't take much to play the "friendly, team-player" game -- everyone else does, including me.

    The big bosses today, "Good morning, Len!" --"Good morning!"

    Is she socially retarded or something?

    I don't ogle her -- she's not even all that attractive physically, just someone I think I would like to talk to. Boning and stuffing optional.

    /////////////

    ETA And, YES, it's very possible, perhaps likely, she just doesn't "like" like me. I do have a filthy mouth, and say all kinds of crass things (to myself -- I've never insulted anyone to their face TICR), but on the other hand she also knows I'm somewhat a kind, helpful person, and a hard worker, in addition to being on friendly, joking terms with about 25% of the the whole floor on any given day.

    That doesn't bother me -- hey, whatever, baby. De gustibus...fuggedaboutit.

    Still, what kind of person doesn't just say "Hi!" to be friendly, unless they're mentally impaired or have some deep enmity?

    Ridiculous.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 08 May 2018 at 02:38 PM.

  6. #256
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    Well, there is this stocky Russian woman, fresh off the boat, about my age, who doesn't seem to like me, even though I helped her move a heavy package.

    I ddn't know her nationality, and maybe she was offended when I heard her accent and tried some Roumanian, or just French, or just a bunch of random common languages.

    Bah, I don't care about her.

  7. #257
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    Coffee mixed with hot-cocoa mixed with a dry American whiskey.

    Served hot.

    Coca-cola zero sugar is worthy, but this is better.

    This is one of those few times some numbnuts NoCal turd might have had a good idea about putting butter in a coffee-like drink.

    And no, I'm not going to the woman's head off and feed her to the pumas; she could have been more polite, though, like 99.99% of everybody else working the same job.

  8. #258
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    Ah...I love mys trusty SM57 and 300W A speaker, with gain from my Mackie mixer.

    "You shut that dog up or I'm going to shut you up. Do you know how fast a 12-gauge deer slug travels? Faster than you can run. Shut it up or I'll shut you up."

    Hey, I never claim to be a nice person.

    Seemed to work!

  9. #259
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    Oh yeah. White yuppies with dogs are the best.

    Second time I get out of bed, set the mixer to almost clipping, and say "SHUT THAT FUCKING DOG UP OR I WILL SHUT IT UP! SHOTGUN'S COMING OFF THE WALL."

    No excuse.

    Goddammned white honkey crackers and their stupid ass dogs.

    I really do hope they die.

    I also really hope I don't have to get out of bed again.

    Fucking honkey shit-heels.

    HEY here's a thought! Clip your fucking fucking beast's vocal cords

    Idiots.

    Idiot white people.

  10. #260
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    Here's my new "employee suggestion" p = m DOT vector v/ HURR DURR GTFO of my way.

    It's called momentum, fucking asswipe.

  11. #261
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    And, because I apparently have to repeat myself, new one today:

    "p = m v (I can't find the vector symbol for velocity in charMap, but imagine it) ⬌ if you are empty-handed standing in a drive-lane, you deserve to be hit."

    Cocksucking numbnuts asswipes.

    So, since I don't have the special fonts, that's momentum is the dot product of the scalar quantity mass and the vector velocity.

    Cocksucking numbnut assholes.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 12 May 2018 at 03:25 PM.

  12. #262
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    look-at-her-ass-and-tits, non-balding, tall, only modest gut, and also chill and modest.
    That is wrong -- I think she wears some kind of super-brassiere, like a sporting bra or something.

    I do not know her top measurement.

    She's keeping secrets from me!

    It's hard to tell, but 38/36 - about 30 - and about the bust.....I"m am not a good man, because I do not have a guess.

    38? 36?

    Fascinating, I'm sure to everyone.

    HOWEVER, I am 100% sure when she sees me pick up 100 lb bags and toss them with precision on the rack, she fantasizes about me doing the same to her in the comforts of home.

    Damn right she does.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 12 May 2018 at 03:42 PM.

  13. #263
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    It's come to my attention that screaming out of your window that you're coming to cut someone's pet dog's head off and cram it up their ass is probably not the Christian Way.

    Much less repeated a dozen times, with variations.

    OTOH, all dogs who are untrained should have their vocal cords cut, in a humane fashion.

    So. I'm right. Also wrong. But mostly right.


  14. #264
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    Goddamned fucking asshead mother. You bet your ass she's paying me that six bucks parking for picking her worthless piece of shit brother up.


    And don't thiink I won't rape the shit out of her to get my money's worth, because momma didn't raise no fool.

  15. #265
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    Goddamned fucking lunatics redesigning the Reddit default CSS.

    Bah. Humbuggery.

  16. #266
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    Oh. That's fucking great. Among the inches of shit advertisements in my mailbox, apparently I'm a "GARNISHEE" from some bullshit company which claims to have limited liability.

    fuck 'em.

    Can't get blood from a stone, jackasses.

    Gestapo scare tactics.

    Bullshit.

  17. #267
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    Some white bitch from somwhere nxt door just started shrieking.

    "Hey, bitch, I'm going to fuck you in th ass."

    "I'm going to rape the shit out of you."

    "I'll put a 1911 up your snatch and pull the trigger."

    It's the only things you can really say in dire circumstances.

    Yeah, I'm not your daddy, and not your boyfriend -- that is human garbage IMHO and it deserves to be executed in a death camp.

  18. #268
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    Apparently my brilliant comments from first-year physics made an impact yesterday: during the regular so-called "stand-up" someone mentioned that you should give rolling 500-lb carts the right of way, because, well, they didn't mention momentum, but it's still obvious.

    I'm pretty sure these numbnuts don't go play in traffic on the freeway, all slack-jawed and inattentive.

    I call that a win.

    Oh, I forgot you can write vectors using a bold typeface, OR use the "hat" or "arrow" notation. I just only do notation in pencil and paper, and I prefer the arrow as a diacritic over the quantity in question.

  19. #269
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    Hmmm.. It appears Natasha seems to have the idea that I'm one of the better, more reliable people in the warehouse, at least to the point that she isn't such an abrasive cunt, so maybe she got the sand out of her vagina.

    Yeah, I sort of am enjoying the regular Joe "blaze orange safety vest" blue jeans aspect, including after-work game of pool and MAYBE two beers, but while I'm in Saigon, getting weaker, Charlie's in the jungle, getting stronger.

  20. #270
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    NEVER. MAYBE. OK JUST THE TIP.

    Written by smudging away the dirt from the back of some kind of business UPS-style van seen on the way home this morning.

    So juvenile.

    Tut-tut.

  21. #271
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    Archer!

  22. #272
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    You think?

    Yeah, maybe that was the inspiration. I thought that meme went back a lot further, and I wouldn't think the kind of person who writes crap by smudging away dirt of some random person's van watches Archer, because it's such a high-class show.

    Still funny, though.

    Oh, I know a woman named Shelby, who looks 16, who told me she was spending her TWENTY-SEVENTH birthday having a fun weekend.

    I said, oh you must be related to the famous Shelby with the cars!

    She said "Yes!"

    Never mind, I only thought there was one famous Shelby -- Carrol (sp?) Shelby.

    I guess I was wrong.

    That is a funny RL observation, though.

    ETA I'll add this is the same "woman" who asked me because she was confused if the numbers on various freight were read from left-to-right or the other way.

    Nice as pie, and I'm happy to help, but...something is afoot. I don't know what. I don't think she's mentally impaired in a profound fashion, which is not any more a problem than being a Ray Charles or George Shearing or Ironsides.

    Just...funny.

    EETA Ok, she could have a lot of experience with big-endian and little-endian numbering systems. No. Still, apparently she's some kind of youtube celebrity who makes mad coin off...I don't know what. 27? Maybe.....eh, well, I guess a man in his early forties without substantial property and assets in his spouse could have been considered not a real adult....yeah, but .... no.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 17 May 2018 at 03:59 PM.

  23. #273
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    I swear to Christ I think WareGirl has been damaged by being exposed to nerds her whole life.

    One nerd, verbatim, "I thought I would give you a chest bump but then your head would hit my stomach hurr-durr!"

    Geez.

    So, either she's the warehouse pump, or she's been used to these kinds of idiotic transparent "hey, hurr, friend woman good!!!"

    No matter what, I'm not happy with her self-identified status, so I'm just not giving her any more time. Not worth it.

    I feel sorry for her if all she's been exposed to are little Star Wars comic people whose idea of asking someone out for breakfast is a dumb joke, but I can't do anything about that.

    It does explain why she's a bit reserved around an actual person, like me, who doesn't treat her like a joke or a fake person.

    Keep in mind, this is not some beauty queen or someone who looks epecially ripe -- she's just a cute, petite hard worker who has a definite punk-rock-ish style.

    It's complicated.

    I've seen her be receptive to kindness, though, so I see nothing wrong with offering to buy her breakfast or something.

    I also see her side, though, which is being ineptly "joked with" by repulsive men with no social ability.

  24. #274
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    Here's a BORING one about earlier today.

    So after about 0.5 hours and 0.75 beer, I decide I'd better practice some of my 14.1 pool at a table.

    As normal, I just rack the fifteen balls as normal, and throw the head ball somewhere.

    Then toss the cueball somewhere.

    Hint: I suck, I've never got more than a few points that way.

    It's just a way to (i) practice sinking the 15th ball while breaking up the remaining 14 and (ii) practice RL shots.

    SO

    I set up my usual 14-ball rack and toss the 15th ball somewhere random.

    WTF?

    Never mind.

    I do not want any part of the weekend bartendresss who just showed up to play video poker!

    Geez! No!

    Would I fuck her?

    Sure, I guess.

    Would I eat her out?

    No!

    I'm I the least bit interested?

    No!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 17 May 2018 at 06:46 PM.

  25. #275
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    Some rotten chicken-neck bastard poached this cart I was saving to rack my stuff in --

    DESPITE

    my having left CLEAR iinstructons.

    I think I wrote on the dry-erase placard:

    "TOLLE
    ET
    INTERFECIANDI TU
    EX STVLO
    IOHANNIS."

    I'm pretty sure that's shit Latin, but it seems clear enough to me.

    Rotten cocksuckers.

    ETA yeah, what I was trying to say was:

    "Take
    And
    You are to be killed
    From the pen
    Of John."

    AND, actually, I think I did it better IRL.

    I think I wrote

    "interfeciandi es" and left out the ret...ando "tu"

    I'm sure I did use a periphrastic, I just can't remember how.

    That cocksucking little assturd is NOTHING!

    Non grata persona est iste 'homo'"!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 18 May 2018 at 03:35 PM.

  26. #276
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    JEEBUS fucking Christ on a godddamned cross.

    So, like every five days in a week, I pop by, have my cheap beer poured by the time I sit down, and think about doing some 14.1 pool practice.

    Not this time.

    Fucking place is MOBBED with cholos from LA -- some soccer game or something.

    Five fucking cops outside the door plus three private security guards, plus a car outside.

    I guess I'm lucky they didn't consider me their target -- I just popped in and was like "WTF IS THIS SHIT?" drained a beer and got the fuck out of there.

    They could have easily done me for DUI/DWI, even though I just got off work.

    WTF?

    The entire fucking bar was a mob of maniacs from LA! Watching some goddamned soccer game.

    I also blame the British for that stupid slang "soccer." Just like them, to invent a gay word and use it over and over.

    Fucking English people and their idiot slang for football. They're like children. They should be killed

  27. #277
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    You've gotta be fucking shitting me.

    After a half-hour of hounds barking from the apt complex next door and me using the PA+mixer+mic to say things like "You shut that dog up or I'll put a bullet in your brain," my dumbshit downstairs neighbor had the goddamed LADYBALLS to knock on MY door?

    Of course, PA+mic==> "You knock on my door one more time and I'll aim a rifle straight down, bitch."

    Where does she fucking get off?

    A goddamned noise violation is occurring continuously for about 45 minutes, and I complain using words to the violators, and she dares to presume to talk to me?

    Yeah, I don't think so, you fat white bitch.

    Call the sheriff. Don't engage your neighbors, if you want my advice, you fat tranny white bitch.

    AND, goddamned right, when I hear violators outside my door, I'll say whatever the fuck I want to deter them.

  28. #278
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    HUNH!!!

    Apparently some chicken-shit little pussy neighbors don't like me trying to solve noise violations using my words.

    So apparently, "John! It's the sheriff's office, please open the door!" is their good idea.

    I don't think so. Not without a warrant, I ain't opening NO shit.

    Certainly not for some limp-dick sheriff.

    Fucking bitches.

  29. #279
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    ETA CLEARLY, the best solution is to loop a soundtrack clip of a dog barking and play it for several hours over my 300W PA, with some gain added by the mixer if needed.

    Obviously the excellent solution.

    Wapner is at ten. Can't be late for Wapner.

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