+ Reply to thread
Page 6 of 13 FirstFirst ... 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 ... LastLast
Results 251 to 300 of 602

Thread: The funny RL observations and anecdotes thread RPG omnibus

  1. #251
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    I can just say "Hi!" or "Good morning!" like I do with other people whom I vaguely know.

    The hump is over!
    Oh, the reason I can do this now -- obviously, I can and do say "Hi!" to lots of people everyday -- is that there's no subtle plan that makes my greeting her like some stupid pick-up chump.

    I can say "Hi" to her just the same as the rest of my people.

    No deception, no strategy, no secrets.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 06 May 2018 at 04:10 PM. Reason: rmvd anti-PUA/anti-MRA rant against dishonest scumbag asswipes

  2. #252
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh, and she's on birth control pills.

    Don't even ask.

    I can tell.

  3. #253
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh yes, and when WareGirl gets over my beatnik lifestyle and grooves on me, she's the ultimate candidate for the good-old doggie-style.

    Maybe not, maybe she likes it face-to-face.

    I can adapt.

    Of course, I've still gotta start saying "Hi!" to her like my regular coworkers.

    That's a minor detail. Better not be any of that condom shit, though -- if there is, I'm making her put in on. If I wanted to touch my own dick, I'd just stay home. I want what she's got, and let us pray that the hygiene is minimally-piscime.

    Well, she can be cleaned up in short order. I have 50-gallon drums just for that purpose, plus an extra snorkel or improvised breathing tube.

    It's really hard to dry wet skin, though -- I only like my women wet in certain places, not all over. And, no, I don't own a hand-held hair dryer.

    Still think putting sheets on my bed and putting it back together with the frame and "box spring" would be a good idea...but who has the time!

    Maybe just do it in the road.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 07 May 2018 at 01:46 PM.

  4. #254
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh, and I've figured out why men (some) wear undershirts (T-shirt kind, not wifebeaters,which don't do threalat much.


    Your real shirt wlll still get soaked with sweat, but unlike just wearing a cotton T, there's some kind of air-buffer between the layers that seems to mitigate chances of getting hypothermia from walking around ina fully-soaked cotton shirt which will NEVER dry out so long as you're wearing it.

    The outer shirt will still get soaked, but you have a better chance of putting, say, a pad of post-it notes or a pack of cigs and not having them get ruined.

    And don't even tell me that bullshit about putting your fags in your socks -- that's a one way ticket to damp hell.

    Maybe rolling up in your T-shirt sleeves works, but somehow, I think that little trick belongs WAY WAY in the past. Might as well wear a pompadour or a DA.

    Although! Still, always carry a comb in my back pocket and am not shy about giving a quick once over, no matter the time and place.

    This has been a public-service announcement.

  5. #255
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    OK, what is the fucking deal.

    I say "Hi!" with a smile or "Good morning!" to probably twenty people every day.

    I say "Hi!" to this broad once, albeit without a broad shit-eating grin.

    She grunts out some "huhHI."

    That's it.

    I'm cutting her head off with a chainsaw and dropping the meaty bits in one of the wildcat exhibits at the local zoo. I don't know what to do with the head. Bowling-ball bag? Home embalming secrets from ancient Egyptian aliens? Naw, probably just toss it in the dumpster.

    Bitch.

    It doesn't take much to play the "friendly, team-player" game -- everyone else does, including me.

    The big bosses today, "Good morning, Len!" --"Good morning!"

    Is she socially retarded or something?

    I don't ogle her -- she's not even all that attractive physically, just someone I think I would like to talk to. Boning and stuffing optional.

    /////////////

    ETA And, YES, it's very possible, perhaps likely, she just doesn't "like" like me. I do have a filthy mouth, and say all kinds of crass things (to myself -- I've never insulted anyone to their face TICR), but on the other hand she also knows I'm somewhat a kind, helpful person, and a hard worker, in addition to being on friendly, joking terms with about 25% of the the whole floor on any given day.

    That doesn't bother me -- hey, whatever, baby. De gustibus...fuggedaboutit.

    Still, what kind of person doesn't just say "Hi!" to be friendly, unless they're mentally impaired or have some deep enmity?

    Ridiculous.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 08 May 2018 at 01:38 PM.

  6. #256
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Well, there is this stocky Russian woman, fresh off the boat, about my age, who doesn't seem to like me, even though I helped her move a heavy package.

    I ddn't know her nationality, and maybe she was offended when I heard her accent and tried some Roumanian, or just French, or just a bunch of random common languages.

    Bah, I don't care about her.

  7. #257
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Coffee mixed with hot-cocoa mixed with a dry American whiskey.

    Served hot.

    Coca-cola zero sugar is worthy, but this is better.

    This is one of those few times some numbnuts NoCal turd might have had a good idea about putting butter in a coffee-like drink.

    And no, I'm not going to the woman's head off and feed her to the pumas; she could have been more polite, though, like 99.99% of everybody else working the same job.

  8. #258
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Ah...I love mys trusty SM57 and 300W A speaker, with gain from my Mackie mixer.

    "You shut that dog up or I'm going to shut you up. Do you know how fast a 12-gauge deer slug travels? Faster than you can run. Shut it up or I'll shut you up."

    Hey, I never claim to be a nice person.

    Seemed to work!

  9. #259
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh yeah. White yuppies with dogs are the best.

    Second time I get out of bed, set the mixer to almost clipping, and say "SHUT THAT FUCKING DOG UP OR I WILL SHUT IT UP! SHOTGUN'S COMING OFF THE WALL."

    No excuse.

    Goddammned white honkey crackers and their stupid ass dogs.

    I really do hope they die.

    I also really hope I don't have to get out of bed again.

    Fucking honkey shit-heels.

    HEY here's a thought! Clip your fucking fucking beast's vocal cords

    Idiots.

    Idiot white people.

  10. #260
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Here's my new "employee suggestion" p = m DOT vector v/ HURR DURR GTFO of my way.

    It's called momentum, fucking asswipe.

  11. #261
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    And, because I apparently have to repeat myself, new one today:

    "p = m · v (I can't find the vector symbol for velocity in charMap, but imagine it) ⬌ if you are empty-handed standing in a drive-lane, you deserve to be hit."

    Cocksucking numbnuts asswipes.

    So, since I don't have the special fonts, that's momentum is the dot product of the scalar quantity mass and the vector velocity.

    Cocksucking numbnut assholes.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 12 May 2018 at 02:25 PM.

  12. #262
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    look-at-her-ass-and-tits, non-balding, tall, only modest gut, and also chill and modest.
    That is wrong -- I think she wears some kind of super-brassiere, like a sporting bra or something.

    I do not know her top measurement.

    She's keeping secrets from me!

    It's hard to tell, but 38/36 - about 30 - and about the bust.....I"m am not a good man, because I do not have a guess.

    38? 36?

    Fascinating, I'm sure to everyone.

    HOWEVER, I am 100% sure when she sees me pick up 100 lb bags and toss them with precision on the rack, she fantasizes about me doing the same to her in the comforts of home.

    Damn right she does.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 12 May 2018 at 02:42 PM.

  13. #263
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    It's come to my attention that screaming out of your window that you're coming to cut someone's pet dog's head off and cram it up their ass is probably not the Christian Way.

    Much less repeated a dozen times, with variations.

    OTOH, all dogs who are untrained should have their vocal cords cut, in a humane fashion.

    So. I'm right. Also wrong. But mostly right.


  14. #264
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Goddamned fucking asshead mother. You bet your ass she's paying me that six bucks parking for picking her worthless piece of shit brother up.


    And don't thiink I won't rape the shit out of her to get my money's worth, because momma didn't raise no fool.

  15. #265
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Goddamned fucking lunatics redesigning the Reddit default CSS.

    Bah. Humbuggery.

  16. #266
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh. That's fucking great. Among the inches of shit advertisements in my mailbox, apparently I'm a "GARNISHEE" from some bullshit company which claims to have limited liability.

    fuck 'em.

    Can't get blood from a stone, jackasses.

    Gestapo scare tactics.

    Bullshit.

  17. #267
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Some white bitch from somwhere nxt door just started shrieking.

    "Hey, bitch, I'm going to fuck you in th ass."

    "I'm going to rape the shit out of you."

    "I'll put a 1911 up your snatch and pull the trigger."

    It's the only things you can really say in dire circumstances.

    Yeah, I'm not your daddy, and not your boyfriend -- that is human garbage IMHO and it deserves to be executed in a death camp.

  18. #268
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Apparently my brilliant comments from first-year physics made an impact yesterday: during the regular so-called "stand-up" someone mentioned that you should give rolling 500-lb carts the right of way, because, well, they didn't mention momentum, but it's still obvious.

    I'm pretty sure these numbnuts don't go play in traffic on the freeway, all slack-jawed and inattentive.

    I call that a win.

    Oh, I forgot you can write vectors using a bold typeface, OR use the "hat" or "arrow" notation. I just only do notation in pencil and paper, and I prefer the arrow as a diacritic over the quantity in question.

  19. #269
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Hmmm.. It appears Natasha seems to have the idea that I'm one of the better, more reliable people in the warehouse, at least to the point that she isn't such an abrasive cunt, so maybe she got the sand out of her vagina.

    Yeah, I sort of am enjoying the regular Joe "blaze orange safety vest" blue jeans aspect, including after-work game of pool and MAYBE two beers, but while I'm in Saigon, getting weaker, Charlie's in the jungle, getting stronger.

  20. #270
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    NEVER. MAYBE. OK JUST THE TIP.

    Written by smudging away the dirt from the back of some kind of business UPS-style van seen on the way home this morning.

    So juvenile.

    Tut-tut.

  21. #271
    Member Elendil's Heir's avatar
    Registered
    Sep 2009
    Location
    The North Coast
    Posts
    24,320

    Default

    Archer!

  22. #272
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    You think?

    Yeah, maybe that was the inspiration. I thought that meme went back a lot further, and I wouldn't think the kind of person who writes crap by smudging away dirt of some random person's van watches Archer, because it's such a high-class show.

    Still funny, though.

    Oh, I know a woman named Shelby, who looks 16, who told me she was spending her TWENTY-SEVENTH birthday having a fun weekend.

    I said, oh you must be related to the famous Shelby with the cars!

    She said "Yes!"

    Never mind, I only thought there was one famous Shelby -- Carrol (sp?) Shelby.

    I guess I was wrong.

    That is a funny RL observation, though.

    ETA I'll add this is the same "woman" who asked me because she was confused if the numbers on various freight were read from left-to-right or the other way.

    Nice as pie, and I'm happy to help, but...something is afoot. I don't know what. I don't think she's mentally impaired in a profound fashion, which is not any more a problem than being a Ray Charles or George Shearing or Ironsides.

    Just...funny.

    EETA Ok, she could have a lot of experience with big-endian and little-endian numbering systems. No. Still, apparently she's some kind of youtube celebrity who makes mad coin off...I don't know what. 27? Maybe.....eh, well, I guess a man in his early forties without substantial property and assets in his spouse could have been considered not a real adult....yeah, but .... no.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 17 May 2018 at 02:59 PM.

  23. #273
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    I swear to Christ I think WareGirl has been damaged by being exposed to nerds her whole life.

    One nerd, verbatim, "I thought I would give you a chest bump but then your head would hit my stomach hurr-durr!"

    Geez.

    So, either she's the warehouse pump, or she's been used to these kinds of idiotic transparent "hey, hurr, friend woman good!!!"

    No matter what, I'm not happy with her self-identified status, so I'm just not giving her any more time. Not worth it.

    I feel sorry for her if all she's been exposed to are little Star Wars comic people whose idea of asking someone out for breakfast is a dumb joke, but I can't do anything about that.

    It does explain why she's a bit reserved around an actual person, like me, who doesn't treat her like a joke or a fake person.

    Keep in mind, this is not some beauty queen or someone who looks epecially ripe -- she's just a cute, petite hard worker who has a definite punk-rock-ish style.

    It's complicated.

    I've seen her be receptive to kindness, though, so I see nothing wrong with offering to buy her breakfast or something.

    I also see her side, though, which is being ineptly "joked with" by repulsive men with no social ability.

  24. #274
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Here's a BORING one about earlier today.

    So after about 0.5 hours and 0.75 beer, I decide I'd better practice some of my 14.1 pool at a table.

    As normal, I just rack the fifteen balls as normal, and throw the head ball somewhere.

    Then toss the cueball somewhere.

    Hint: I suck, I've never got more than a few points that way.

    It's just a way to (i) practice sinking the 15th ball while breaking up the remaining 14 and (ii) practice RL shots.

    SO

    I set up my usual 14-ball rack and toss the 15th ball somewhere random.

    WTF?

    Never mind.

    I do not want any part of the weekend bartendresss who just showed up to play video poker!

    Geez! No!

    Would I fuck her?

    Sure, I guess.

    Would I eat her out?

    No!

    I'm I the least bit interested?

    No!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 17 May 2018 at 05:46 PM.

  25. #275
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Some rotten chicken-neck bastard poached this cart I was saving to rack my stuff in --

    DESPITE

    my having left CLEAR iinstructons.

    I think I wrote on the dry-erase placard:

    "TOLLE
    ET
    INTERFECIANDI TU
    EX STVLO
    IOHANNIS."

    I'm pretty sure that's shit Latin, but it seems clear enough to me.

    Rotten cocksuckers.

    ETA yeah, what I was trying to say was:

    "Take
    And
    You are to be killed
    From the pen
    Of John."

    AND, actually, I think I did it better IRL.

    I think I wrote

    "interfeciandi es" and left out the ret...ando "tu"

    I'm sure I did use a periphrastic, I just can't remember how.

    That cocksucking little assturd is NOTHING!

    Non grata persona est iste 'homo'"!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 18 May 2018 at 02:35 PM.

  26. #276
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    JEEBUS fucking Christ on a godddamned cross.

    So, like every five days in a week, I pop by, have my cheap beer poured by the time I sit down, and think about doing some 14.1 pool practice.

    Not this time.

    Fucking place is MOBBED with cholos from LA -- some soccer game or something.

    Five fucking cops outside the door plus three private security guards, plus a car outside.

    I guess I'm lucky they didn't consider me their target -- I just popped in and was like "WTF IS THIS SHIT?" drained a beer and got the fuck out of there.

    They could have easily done me for DUI/DWI, even though I just got off work.

    WTF?

    The entire fucking bar was a mob of maniacs from LA! Watching some goddamned soccer game.

    I also blame the British for that stupid slang "soccer." Just like them, to invent a gay word and use it over and over.

    Fucking English people and their idiot slang for football. They're like children. They should be killed

  27. #277
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    You've gotta be fucking shitting me.

    After a half-hour of hounds barking from the apt complex next door and me using the PA+mixer+mic to say things like "You shut that dog up or I'll put a bullet in your brain," my dumbshit downstairs neighbor had the goddamed LADYBALLS to knock on MY door?

    Of course, PA+mic==> "You knock on my door one more time and I'll aim a rifle straight down, bitch."

    Where does she fucking get off?

    A goddamned noise violation is occurring continuously for about 45 minutes, and I complain using words to the violators, and she dares to presume to talk to me?

    Yeah, I don't think so, you fat white bitch.

    Call the sheriff. Don't engage your neighbors, if you want my advice, you fat tranny white bitch.

    AND, goddamned right, when I hear violators outside my door, I'll say whatever the fuck I want to deter them.

  28. #278
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    HUNH!!!

    Apparently some chicken-shit little pussy neighbors don't like me trying to solve noise violations using my words.

    So apparently, "John! It's the sheriff's office, please open the door!" is their good idea.

    I don't think so. Not without a warrant, I ain't opening NO shit.

    Certainly not for some limp-dick sheriff.

    Fucking bitches.

  29. #279
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    ETA CLEARLY, the best solution is to loop a soundtrack clip of a dog barking and play it for several hours over my 300W PA, with some gain added by the mixer if needed.

    Obviously the excellent solution.

    Wapner is at ten. Can't be late for Wapner.

  30. #280
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    I'm kind of irritated at, time and again, the "big men" at bar-room pool tables playing 8-ball insist on differently-abled "bar rules" like "no, I didn't call the bank, or the precise combination, so it's your turn."

    I don't know who came up with those rules, but across the country, as far as I've seen, that's the standard "bar rules."

    Whatever happened to just "call-pocket"? Yeah, you scratch if you hit a high-ball and pocket your own low-ball (ETA that's a legitimate rule, I have no problem with "the sacrifice," although it is kind of a cheap shot), but that is the dumbest "rule" I've ever heard of.

    I suspect it exists purely to make people feel like more "in control" of the game.

    AND YES, I know tournament rules are take the cue ball in hand, vs. behind the string/"in the kitchen," but that's a reasonable rule. I've never played anybody in a bar who wants "ball in hand" vs. the de facto "in the kitchen" bar rules.

    But calling every single ball in a multiple-ball combination is ridiculous.

    I don't think these people ever played straight pool in their lives.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 30 May 2018 at 11:33 AM.

  31. #281
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Here's kind of a funny one -- maybe going back a week or two, but continuing.

    So there's this "Ambassador," they call them -- kind of a sub-mid-level groundling supervisor at Amazon -- whom everyone likes, and she's been nice to me.

    A few weeks ago she tried to give me a "high five" (for no reason, just morale, I guess), and, like all white people everywhere, I missed it.

    In my defense, my field of vision is kind of obscured by tending to avoid obstacles and complete my tasks.

    She say, "Hey! High Five" I'm like, "Yeah, baby, low-five instead!"

    Yesterday, she seems to catch on. Tried to give me a high five, but I held my hand out low and she got it.

    You got to train these people.

    Low-five is more cool. Uncle Jizz does low-five or nothing.

    That may be some prison connotation I'm unaware of, like DL, but fuck it, I ain't raising my arm for no goddamned reason unless it's a good one.

    Low-five. On the jive.

  32. #282
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    Oh, and she's on birth control pills.

    Don't even ask.

    I can tell.
    She is not.

    I can tell.

    Don't ask.

    She is approaching ovulation, and, by her behavior yesterday, I conclude she has a shorter cycle and is at her most ripe.

    Therefore I do not have to cut her head off and put it in a sack and leave it in the trunk of my car, moldering.

    I just have to forget about her regrettable, hormonal reactions to various assnecked nerds.

    And, I'll be charitable, maybe the only type of men she knows are the defectives.

    Besides, I bet her dental hygiene is not that great, and she probably smells terrible "down there" after a shift.

    Also, she's probably a Nazi.

    Also, probably a faint moustache, and thick ankles.

  33. #283
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Goddamned hipster assholes.

    When I go into a bar at 0945, I expect it to be mostly empty except for a few cabbies who just finished their shift, and maybe a couple of old-timers who are finishing up their SS check.

    Not a bunch of asshole hipsters.

    Also, the weekend bartender is cute, but she should take up a collection among her little horndog child-man hangers-on for breast augmentation.

    Total surfboard.

    But that's OK.

    I don't care how busy the place is, my beer should be poured and waiting for me by the time I sit down.

    And no more of this sitting at the far end of the bar.

    Asshole hipster dipshits.

    And, yes, there is no reason for them to be there: the bars close here at 0130, I think, so they're not service people. Just child people who have worse brain damage than I do. Tourists. Child idiot tourists. They can go to hell.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 02 Jun 2018 at 07:49 PM.

  34. #284
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh, on a less idiotic screed, I'm pretty sure I saw an owl cross the highway at about 0345 this morning.

    Can't be sure, but I don't know what else it could have been.

    Swift, large, accurate.

    I think it was an owl.

  35. #285
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    On a virtual-reality trip, I believe I "met" the owner of this site.

    There's nothing wrong, just a temporary power-outage, but it got fixed. I didn't like it anymore than you people.

    Caerie is one cool chick.

  36. #286
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    This was a pretty good one, from yesterday.

    I thought, because she told me, that this friend from work was going to stop at this bar&grill (open early, caters to off-shift cabbies and other people who work odd hours, plus hipsters). I go every day after work to practice a little pool, and maybe have one beer, sometimes two. Rarely three.

    Was going to skip yesterday, but since she told me she knew I'd be there, I didn't want my reputation to lose a point, plus, maybe she wanted to vent about work.

    SO, I invite this guy who'd I'd been working side-by-side with to come along -- funny little guy. Who in turn invited a friend of his from work, whom I also know.

    Nobody else showed up, so just me and him.

    Well, he dug the place -- dark, quiet, mellow, some cool murals in the "smoking" alley (he vapes, I'm back on cigarettes). Shot a game of pool.

    Got a chance to sort of weasel-like say I'm sorry if some of my language is offensive (I often just vent frustration out-loud when the delivery van drivers come through and start messing things up). He happens to be a gay, and unfortunately some of my language can tend to the non-PC: it's not intended to be heard by anyone, certainly not directed at anyone in particular.

    Apparently that's fine with him. So I shall continue to say things "Assholes and elbows, you ladies! Doesn't take that long to park a van! You bunch of homo fairies!"

    I don't think that's a literal quote from me, but pretty close.

    HOWEVER, I'm not sure I really wanted to "get to know" anyone "new" from work. Seems just like a bunch of drama, as in now I have to pretend to be concerned about his well-being or make special effort to help him out.

    No, I was happy with the few girls I sometimes meet after work to gossip/chit-chat, and my in-warehouse little crew of people I trade jokes with.

    Oh well, he seems pretty cool, so probably just same as always, "HEY! YOU!" with a nice smile.

    Not that happy about "getting to know" people. Or, rather, that's interesting, it's the other way around I don't like.

  37. #287
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Yeah, IN YO FACE WAREGIRL.

    Well, not so much.

    There's kind of an interesting woman, you know, age-appropriate (late-twenties, early-thirties, I guess). Somewhat attractive -- she seems to make the effort.

    As a bonus, she seems to be a complete misanthrope, complete with resting sour-face.

    HOWEVER, she and I had a good talk while preparing the warehouse for the next shift.

    Well, not really good. As usual, I did most of the talking, with some pauses for questions and answers.

    She didn't seem to understand that I prefer the WWII-era air-raid sirens (two different varieties, one for each side of the warehouse!) to the shitty pop music they play through the PA speakers, which reminds me of some SE Asian sweatshop "for to make happy work and everyone to enjoy! let's go!"

    They should just install a steam whistle and blow it every time someone makes a mistake.

    No, she couldn't understand the reason I wear earplugs is because of that damned music. I enjoy the air-raid sirens -- it amuses me.

    Well, whatever, she seemed glad to have me give her a hand (no, no, don't even think it) AND I think WareGirl noticed.

    I hope she's appropriately jealous.

    Yes, I have regressed into half-animal, half-high-school-girl. All I care about is physical exertion, screwing, and petty tactics to bring shame upon those who displease me.

  38. #288
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh yeah, I remember sometime last week.

    This kind of irritated me, but was somewhat endearing.

    That girl, the WareGirl, tried to make a small effort by saying "Excusez-moi," when we were both passing by a corridor carrying some stuff. She must have overheard me cursing in French under my breath. Or something. I suspect the rails of the gossip train are well-traveled and greased, but I wouldn't know.

    Still, I do not like being used the formal register. Half of my brain thought: "Tu pourrait bien me reconnaître comme un pareil, et laisse ce vouvoyer s'emballer." The other half was suspicious and wondered what her game was. And then the other half thought, Fr is only a second language, you cow, so stop talking to me in Steve Martin impressions.

    She has a really fat ass. But, that's kind of in a good way.

    I should just tell that I'm driving this buggy, and if she fixes her attitude, she can ride along with me.

    But, I think my pretty extended conversation with newGirl about 1980s synthesizers and pop music accomplishes the same effect. Just without as much effectiveness.

    Well, about as effective as her few attempts to befriend me, about which 75% have ended with her having been distracted by a lesser male.

    No.

    She gets no soup for her.

    Instead of expending any more effort thinking about her, I can try to knock the balls out of newGirl's rack. Not sure what her deal is, she has a really hard exterior, but I've seen that she's a real person who has some opinions, or at least some commentary.

    I'm pretty sure newGirl wouldn't put up with any of my bullshit, though, whereas WareGirl should be glad for any attention, as she's demonstrated. I don't want to go for the weakest of the herd, though. Probably riddled with crab lice and cold sores.

    I'll keep on newGirl.

    ETA HEY! Shelby, I know her. I don't if she's quit yet (didn't see her last week), but I know her on friendly terms. Maybe she could be some good leverage to get on WareGirl as well.

    I think the standard "gimme five" while walking past and keep on moving is in order. And none of this goddamned high five bullshit, we're not in the fucking playoffs for some basketball games.

    There is not such a thing as a "high five" — where do these people get thinking they go around IRL like they're fucking just winning the Stanley Cup.

    And don't try to shake my hand, numbnuts. Just chillax. Numbnuts.

    Even women can be numbnuts — gender neutral. Or sex neutral, or whatever.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 11 Jun 2018 at 04:26 PM.

  39. #289
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Kind of an interesting session this morning.

    Working close to WareGirl when I was at my most vulgar and assertive at completing my tasks.

    And yet toward the end of the shift, when we finished early, she deliberately made a point of assessing me in a less-sweaty, less-profanity-spewing state. I think I was even half-smiling much of the time.

    Though not at her.

    Or, that could be a wild hallucination or fantasy.

    It doesn't matter.

    It is woman, to be for me, riding my jock!

    There is no other way! It cannot be otherwise!

    I have almost conquered her with my calculated indifference and visible displeasure with her defective behavior.

    She is appropriately ashamed, and I shall await her crude advances.

    Also, there is such a thing as "vaginal tightening cream."

    So I know what to give her as a gift on a first date.

  40. #290
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh yes, a minor gaffe, I'm pretty sure my remarking out loud, "Any time ladies, it doesn't take that long to park a van" to no one in particular probably didn't endear me to WareGirl.

    Even if I knew she was standing nearby I probably still would have said something equally "offensive."

    Meh, if she's a good woman she can take a bit of sexism.

    She take it like a chicken takes to stuffing.

    And that is all I have to say.

  41. #291
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Well shit, motherfucker.

    I blew a golden ticket.

    WareGirl was a few feet away and I started chatting with this other woman, with whom I'd had breakfast and some conversation with, just in a collegial sense. No, not at all a romantic type, just a nice older woman going through a divorce with whom I share a few friendly words now and then.

    I don't know, some chit-chat, like "John, how can you carry that water bottle in your pants pocket?" --"Easy, baby, I wear a belt." yadda yadda.

    And her last salvo (yes, she knows I once thought WareGirl was kind of cute and want to bone her), "Still going out for a beer afterwards?"

    --"Of course!"

    Damn motherfuck shit cunt asswhore fuck.

    The correct response was, "which one of you two ladies is going to let me buy them breakfast after work?"

    Fucking son of a bitch god damned.

    Ass fuck shit damned.

    //////////////

    ETA But, it was kind of cute, I sort of fumbled a box and dropped it on my foot.

    WareGirl actually expressed concern and said, "You OK?" I give the thumbs up, she returns the signal.

    That would never occur to me in a million years to feign concern -- I'd try to help the person if they were struggling, or maybe make a lighthearted comment.

    Strange.

    I do not think she is an INTJ in Myers-Briggs.

    She's probably better.

    Well, she still displeases me, and aside from my petty tactics, I'm not doing any effort.

    She knows where to find me.

    I'm not chasing some nerd-loving cooze around like an asshole.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 13 Jun 2018 at 03:33 PM.

  42. #292
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    And just so there's no mistake, WareGirl was hanging on every word between me and...let's call her Madame X_______. She didn't pipe up, but she looked at my gesture when I said "that's why I wear a belt."

    Clearly.

    I think I've almost trapped her.

    But goddamned no am I doing jack shit to make any effort.

    She'll keep making these increasing gestures towards me.

    And I'll keep ignoring her.

    That's how you get a woman.

  43. #293
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh, me and the FOB (fresh off the boat) Russian woman, about my age, despite her having been kind of dour and unresponsive to my chit-chat a few months ago, now, she and I have kind of a system.

    Usually when the PA speakers are going with pop radio, I have earplugs in (and yet the air-raid sirens [two separate varieties, one for each side of the warehouse), she'll just say "JOHN! Help with..." And then she points, sort of, often just with a gesture with her head, like a hunting dog.

    If a bag is too heavy.

    I seem to be the guy people of all sexes come to if they need a hand (no, don't even think it) lifting something (WAY over the 49-50 lbs mandated -- these are hundred pounders or more).

    I think that's a good thing.

    There's other people they could ask, but the difference is not only can I lift it and put it down gently, I'm not some dick who's obsessed with my "pick times."

    I don't get paid by the pounds of strawberries I pick, and if they don't like my pick times, and some douche super says anything, I get to state why their metric based on time is faulty, since it's certainly doubtful they include and exclude equally-relevant criteria, except for accuracy.

    I do not understand why people I've never met seem to know my first name, though -- my name badge is usually facing inward, because I need various other things around my lanyard (staging barcode, pencil-written route IDs) to be easier to access.

    Makes me wonder how deep the conspiracy goes.

  44. #294
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Well, Ginger gave notice yesterday. Got a better-paying job.

    Cowboy's wasted, Joker. You're all out of friends! I'm the leader of this squad. Well, Sara's still there. And among men, there are some I enjoy joking around with. Well, the one's who aren't uptight or competitors.

    Curiously, the only PG-13 or R rated conversations have been with the women -- the guys, we just make jokes about sports or old music or nothing at all. The women, they get off on hearing about interpersonal relations. Not in graphic detail, but they do want the details.

  45. #295
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Well, I'll be a goddamned son of a bitch.

    Even after yesterday, at forty feet behind while talking with my divorcée mother friend, and pointing at Morgan while she was in front of us going to use the head, that little minx initiated some idle chatter with me toward closing time.

    I conclude my plan is effective: she can come ride the baloney pony whenever she wants, after I check her for lice.

    But I do not do nothing.

    I still think she's socially impaired, and has defective tastes. Therefore, she's off my list, but:

    she could be on my list/jock if she keeps making some effort.

    Yes, I believe men have the burden of making the first move, and I think that's right.

    However, I've decided she's not worth any move.

    So.

    She's still got a moist cameltoe, pretty sure, so that's just fine with me.

    If she wants some stuffing, she can come find me -- she certainly seems to lately.

    Not my problem.

  46. #296
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    (I) Apparently that nerd-friendly girl pulled out in front of me while leaving work. I always have my lights on for satefty, but I kept eight car lengths between us.

    (II) I was hungry so I stopped by a well-forgotten fast-food joint called "Taco Bell."

    Wheb do the fucking indiginous tribes call a boycott on fucking napkins? Never.

    That is some cornholing bullshit.

    Whatever they served wasn't bad, though.

    I should kick their ass, though, for not giving me napkins. I save them for other uses.

    Dumbass white trash pieces of shit.

  47. #297
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Well, my trip to Walmart wasn't so bad. They open at 0500, so traffic was a non-issue.

    And they didn't give me any guff about paying for a back-up-backup-backup-backup 1TB external HD, an SD card, and some duck tape with $77 in gift cards, in $5 increments, printed from my home printer. So I guess I should thank Microsoft for that meager, but useful purchase. However, the $2 or $4 in gas plus the increase risk of accident probably means that having paid their out-of-line shipping costs would have been a wash. Also, the annoyance of driving to a relatively-unfamiliar place.

    And, while none of the employees seemed especially happy to be there, everyone I talked to (it was several, since I don't know how to find things in stores) was very pleasant. Maybe they thought I was a secret shopper.

    Also, the store seemed clean, and there were TWO separate toilets, each with three or more holes. Woman, Man, Family. No tranny crappers, though -- very unprogressive.

    HOWEVER, different store, same trip. WHY do the milk makers never make a gallon jug that doesn't leak? This wasn't too bad, but still. And it wasn't even the store brand, it was an actual brand.

    Shame. Shame on them.

    AND at the grocery store just behind me in line was this guy who apparently just a few days ago quit Amazon, shopping with his grand-daughter, I guess. I only heard the driver complain, but apparently he unloaded with about six or seven variations of the word "fuck" and got some kind of talking to, and decided "fuck it." I doubt he got fired, and the driver was a total pussy for complaining about a little verbal abuse. How they gonna take the abuse they get on a sit? They need brass balls.

    His wife did have a bag on her hip though, for a few years, IIRC from chatting at work, and just died a few weeks ago, but then again he was kind of an entertaining curmudgeon to have around.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 18 Jun 2018 at 10:18 AM.

  48. #298
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Oh yeah. WTF is this shit?

    So I go in to my regular place after work and ask for a double Broker's (a whiskey -- it's the one they keep in the "well," i.e., their generic no-name whiskey) and a pint of Pabst.

    Yeah, so while I'm sitting down, the lady already is pouring my Pabst, since she knows that's what I always drink, and I add on the whiskey order while she's pouring.

    I give her a $20, and I get back $8 in change.

    You've got to be shitting me. The beer is $2. They charge $5 for a shot of the cheapest whiskey sold in my state?

    That's fucking ridiculous.

    It's not just her, I did the same order last week with the weekend bartender. And even that one, when I ordered another of the same, the second pour of a double was noticeably smaller than the first.

    It is the most outrageous thing I've ever heard of.

    AND neither of them seemed especially happy to serve me whiskey. Which is odd, because the usual amount of time I spend in there is about thirty minutes, or maybe forty-five, unless sitting with some co-workers who are having breakfast. And I've never done anything out of my routine -- just sip a beer or two, practice pool, maybe look at the TV, and leave. Nothing suspicious.

    It's ri-goddamned-diculous.

    I'd suggest they're puritans, but then again, given the amount that this guy who works at another warehouse puts away, I can only suspect discrimination against the solitary drinker.

    What am I goddamned incel? Bull-fucking-shit.

    Fine, I'll just drink my shitty beer, you bunch of assholes.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 20 Jun 2018 at 04:26 AM.

  49. #299
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    So I get off from work this morning and am driving down this US Hwy, and I see this young woman I'm friendly with, just walking down the road.

    For about a mile after passing her, I was like, "Huh, well, maybe she's just walking."

    After about a mile I decided, "Well, she's nice and I'm nice to her, maybe she could use a hand," so I double back and roll up with the passenger-side window down.

    No. I started my spiel about "I got about a mile down the road and ....."

    She was pretty firm just said "NO!" without hearing me.

    So, I felt like a perv, but I felt also I was proud of her for having some street-smarts.

    She from what I hear from people who hang in the break-room -- not me, but hearsay from others who do -- that she gets made fun of for being dumb and incompetent, but she's nice and I like her.

    Not that way.

  50. #300
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
    Registered
    Jul 2013
    Location
    in a mouth
    Posts
    10,674

    Default

    Goddamned it.

    As my testosterone rises, my fingers have become rough stubs.

    THIS IS FACT.

    Penetration without vigorous, sage fingering is bullshit.

    BULLSHIT.

    I think there's a classical myth about something like that.

    Ah, shit.

    This is goddamned wrong as shit.

    I need my fingers!

    Not saying I want to have my penis amputated -- in fact, that would be unpleasant and not good -- but they work together!

    I'm not going to make any kitties purr being half a man!

    ETA

    Holy shit. Ribbed for her pleasure! I am a genius! Although nobody likes the ribbed condoms. But through triumph of will! The callouses and nearly-eroded fingerprints.

    It's either a perfect crime or an excellent evening! Or both!

    Yay!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 22 Jun 2018 at 05:54 PM.

+ Reply to thread

Posting rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts