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Thread: The funny RL observations and anecdotes thread RPG omnibus

  1. #201
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Hairdresser. Just now. Mid 50s. Woman. Unknown ethnicity/race -- but at some point (I think probably when I made a joke about grey hairs and what should be done) she saw I could be trusted with her five minutes of non-stop acting out of sketches from Flip Wilson's comedy. Something from his TV show, "on my back, in the corner, and in the dark" and something from a Carson appearance with the punchline "and here's a banana for your monkey."

    They were doing a special at Great Clips (don't laugh -- I like them at my location, and to me one haircut is the same as any other), so she got four bucks on an eight dollar cut. I still came out ahead, because I laughed so hard I had tears in my eyes, and she offered to trim my eyebrows and scoffed when I said, "sure, I didn't know you could do that -- I got a forest going on up there."

    ETA -- here. I don't want to lift the laptop to do the back, but she and I both agreed it looks sharp. Like a fucking nerd -- that's the kind of sugar poppa likes. Business in the back, party up front.

    EETA Flip Wilson sketch the hairdresser acted out while cutting -- voices and everything

    I thought she might have been a cougar and I was thinking about going back for a second haircut, but maybe she thought I wanted brunch.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 28 Apr 2016 at 09:33 PM.

  2. #202
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    Quote Originally posted by Trojan Man View post
    Haha... I'd like to hear 2 versions from you then: the straight, rock/gospel version, and your ''getting carried away'' version. The difference in how we read a chord prog is astounding to me.
    That's a pretty good idea I'd like to come back to. It turns out I have 5L of white wine to get through while doing some internet stuff before I get home, and I'll probably only finish 3L, I just might come back to this.

    No, I'm not joking -- that is what I will consume and do -- and then I'll come back home in a few hours and try out your changes on the piano box. On video.

    I've been pleased with myself working on the Bach Sinfonias (C, c minor, and the b minor as pure technical mindless stuff for the arpeggios -- mindless........never mind.......I' smart......never mind) and the little Bourée 1&2 from the A major Engl. Suite and polishing up the Toccata from the e minor Partita, and have a very regimented plan for the past few months -- occasionally I'll just pop a boogie or do whatever, but I need fresh meat.

    And when I think of Trojan Condoms, I think of fresh meat, so you're going up on the chopping block next.

    Don't be afraid. It's natural.

  3. #203
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    My downstairsnikeh got the picture fast -- maybe she thinks I'm a psycho, or whatever, but she doesn't put shit on my property anymore.
    I'm pretty sure someone got their own sense of retribution for my being-an-asshole-even-though-I-was-right last week. I was going to lend my mother *Middlemarch* after I ungifted her *Daniel Deronda* because I want to read more and again, so I'm pretty sure I either left my old Norton Critical on my bannister and it probably fell off or maybe off the hood of a car or something.

    Well, I found my inability to find my annotated copy pretty damned funny. I can imagine that dumpy old (late-thirties) broad below looking at it at saying to herself "WTF jackass writes numbers and dates in pencil in the back pages and makes his own index and has his phone number and name in pen on the front page? what is he, like six, like a president?"

    Anyway, I thought that was an amusing anecdote, so suck on that, white stains.

  4. #204
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    really jacked my hand by for some reason by just wailing on this 4x4 structural beam. So upshot is I can't really put my hand in FRONT POCKET thanks very much
    You'll all be pleased to know several years later my knuckle or whatever is still broken. I don't have the photography know-how or desire to make a picture, but I have a deformed right hand.

    Doesn't hurt or anything, showed it to a doctor long ago -- boxer's fracture. Sounds cool, is true, and is a great excuse for me to not play the d minor Invention of Bach at 130bpm like Angela Hewitt (Gould plays it slower, but he has better ornamentation on that one).

    Life happens awesome!

  5. #205
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Jizzelbin View post
    Man, those little kids just like did a dance move I never seen. I think that's the closest to respect I'll ever get in my life. None of them said anything, they just kind of stopped blocking the paved pedestrian wooded walkway and they are awesome.

    Fuck you.
    Yep. Some white kids stepping out of my way because a well-dressed man did some ghetto-ass shit in front of them.

    Yep. Still the high point of my career as the best-read person you'll ever "meet" who bangs the shit out of the piano and organ, while also being a redneck hillbily.

    Suck it, dickstains. I rule.

    At least I will suck your dick on camera, and I'll still have the ballsack left over to play that scrub's little tune/

  6. #206
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    It's come to my attention that I go completely insane when I drink too much alcohol. This isn't much of an anecdote, but I'll call it a RL anecdote, because the people involved I know IRL, with the exception of my new Bangla poet friend, but I just went apeshit on FB: well, there was a reason, but it amounted to me telling my crew that I'm no longer censoring my language over there, and that they'd better get used to a lot of talk about me fisting their assholes if they have a problem with that.

    Seems no one had a problem with that. So much the better: my little manifesto was served, and now I'm left with some crazy-ass word salad as evidence of my intentions.

    Like I said, completely apeshit.
    ********************************

    OK, I do have a good one from a few days ago -- me, sober as a judge, in my office at home, making some beans on the stove, I noticed some jackasses in some piece of shit BMW convertible, definitely "basic bitches, male version" just parked out front of my place. Couldn't resist firing up the PA, grabbing the mic and fucking with them. You, know, like nonsense words in phonetic alphabet, bravo yankee, strings of numbers.

    I find it odd that I was amused by that.

    Probably not alcohol making me crazy, maybe I'm just plain an asshole who doesn't have much of a social life.

    Well, I think it's funny, so there you go.

  7. #207
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    Here's a pretty good one. Not really a point to it, but the kids are OK. I decided to come over to my parents' place over the weekend (vacant house, acoustic piano, escape my n-word-loving hipster neighbors). So, I'm waiting on this traffic light, and it's taking like fucking forever, so finally after a minute I do the differently-abled move of doing the button again, this time gently with my umbrella instead of my usual fist of primary contact.

    Anyway, whatever, so after all this time has passed a couple of cretins -- one male, one female, didn't get a good look, maybe late teens, probably mostly white, up and wait a few seconds with me -- taking the same route, apparently.

    Eh, long story short, they were behind me for about three-quarters of a mile (one and a quarter klicks or whatever), through a relatively desolate suburban landscape. Pretty sure they were plenty amused at the old guy with the raincoat and the tweed sportcoat carrying an umbrella just walking around in his sunglasses. Pretty sure I heard an empty "soda" container being crushed/kicked by them.

    I approve, and kids like that should be encouraged to have nice walks, share some laughs. Do something taboo. Maybe they were sibling fornicators. Underage drinkers. Housebreakers. Don't care, doesn't bother me, pace Abraham Lincoln, unless they get up in my shit.

    Don't see that much these days.

    Maybe everyone under thirty doesn't need to be disposed of.

    ETA on the same walk, always the little scamps somewhere behind me, little mestizo kid walking in the center of two obese Latina women, doing the classic "wave and say 'hi'!" That got a smile from me and a little kid-friendly wave in return. Yeah, it's not an issue with the younger kids -- they're funny you can share a conspiratorial smile with their parents/whatevers. Anyway, cool "story," I know. I do have some others from the past hour, but I can't remember them.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 21 May 2016 at 10:20 PM.

  8. #208
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    GOT ONE!!!! HOLY SHIT I GOT A GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    All right, so I've calmed down, but believe it or don't jack-ass bass-playing jackass stumbled into the rec room (he somehow elected himself president of the HOA), where I was sitting across from some random bitch who is probably like the treasurer or whatever. Whatever, she knows my name, she's just a blonde blob as far as I can see.

    So this rube walks in and says to this bitch, "Do you think that our manager has been putting in the number of hours that we need our manager to be?" White bitch is like, "well, but do you want to talk in public, like this."

    I'm convinced -- I was sure before, but now I'm convinced -- the world is just a big place and we need to laugh at all of it.

  9. #209
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Yeah, well, it's well-known that if you want to hear good dialogue, you ride the fucking bus.

    I like this one, though, from today: "Howdy folks. I'll get to you down the road. Yes,indeed."

    That is one hard-worker who just had a little bump for the road.

  10. #210
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    I think I have made a huge mistake, by not --

    NO!

    I can't have, because we all wear gloves to pick freight, therefore I wouldn't have seen her ring finger.

    Seems like the managers keep putting us on the same few rows neighboring today, but I noticed her from the start.

    That's not saying much -- I sort of .... well ... I don't know how to describe it. I just notice, is all, always. And no, not like a cartoon wolf with his tongue hanging out, just intuitive observation, extremely mellow. Just new information for me, same as trees and words and stuff.

    You know, I do want to molest her, but the most important thing is this new concept, I'm sort of interested in what her deal is? Just kind of unusual...style, I guess. Not really, kind of regular grown-up version of rocker chick, she probably been gang-raped by bikers for all I know, just quiet, self-contained, EXTREMELY mellow, and also good at her job -- sort of same style of working as I do. Just, thinking ahead, stack 'em up, ride 'em out, Achilles and the tortoise thing.

    That is FUNNY to me.

    I've never had that sense of curiosity about a woman before -- usually, just kind of happens or whatever.

    Well, I guess as a kid? No, I didn't know anything about women then -- I thought they were magic creatures who were bewitching me in good ways. I didn't know what women really were like -- namely, just more appealing versions of human.

    Strange. I think is like what people call having a "crush" on someone? Weird.

    Weird.

    Seems...womanly, as an emotion.

    Well, whatever.

    ////////////

    ETA I gotta contain this shit! This cannot happen, me crossing paths with this woman I don't know how many times a day. It's going to distract me, or maybe make me nervous or some shit.

    That cannot be something that can happen!

    I cannot be uncool!

    This cannot be!

    OTOH, yeah, I mean, but outside of work, sure, I'd talk to her. But that's is a fucking LIE to be all like "Hi, what's your name, mine's Jizz!"

    That is disgusting to me, because of the hidden intentions.

    Well, we exchanged a few words, just light-hearted banter (me-->her "Word to the wise, don't ever hit that blue button" (after 30 min. ago I bumped my cart against the conveyer belt exchange relay. She chuckled and probably saw I wasn't some psycho).

    Yeah, well, que sera sera, it's all right with me.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 21 Mar 2018 at 03:20 PM.

  11. #211
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    That's kinda touching, bro.

  12. #212
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Yeah, me touching her in yo face!

    HOWEVER, she would not be putting her hair up in a fetching fashion or having that exotic allure unless she were single and on the prowl.

    I know women! This eez a woman! Who has to make zee choices for hers to master of body!

    Also, if she had a ring on with any kind of jewel under a work glove, she'd be retarded.

    Also, she'd be more butch and surly.

    THEREFORE I win! I will buy theez woman, but I will first ask her to have papers for her men to sign!

    Well, hell, she is pretty cute, and about the right age for me (not post-menopausal, but also not a kid), but, meh.

    I will buy theez woman!

    Or, probably just forget about her and find one exactly the same at some rock and roll bar.

    Oh. I can't forget about her, because of five-days per week and ...

    Yeah.

    I don't know.

    Rub one out before clocking in in the men's room, and then repeat until injuries.

    Well, there's other good women on the floor. I like the redhead about my age -- probably not single, but she's still nice to me, and vice versa.

    I kind of would like to hate-fuck one of the most managers. She has a whole mid-40s, wart-on-the-nose kind of vibe, but probably can fuck the hell out of any twisted room.

    Who else? No, I'm tired thinking about it.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 21 Mar 2018 at 04:40 PM.

  13. #213
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    WTF? I am kind of pissed off at my mom's style of communication. It's been over two weeks my pops has been in ICU, fluttering between life and death, having major surgeries, and today a blood transfusion.

    So earlier today I chatted with my mother after I get off work, and like, IRL on the phone: "Please, slow down."

    Just got an expected text from her just now.

    Jesus X.

    If you want to dump information on me like I'm your fucking task, use a fucking e-mail or fax machine.

    If you want to talk, just pick up the fucking phone.

    What are you, a fucking robot? I'm not your employee, and certainly not your high-school classmates looking for an entry in his or her yearbook.

    Meh.

    Just don't bother me if you don't have an idea.\

    Mothers.

    What are you going to do.

    ///

    never mind.

  14. #214
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Here's some more from the j-o-b.

    I like the blondie -- probably about my age. There's a little sexual tension between us -- you know, a vibe. Mainly, I just like her, and she and I get along fine on the floor.

    Here's the strange one. No. fucking. Way. Maybe early thirties, but has a damned face fucking tattoo -- what the hell is that? So zero sex thirty nothing, at least for me, but she's actually pretty cool. She's kind of incompetent, but endearing in that she trusted me enough to ask her to give her a hand a few times a day (no, you pervert, just to help her out, which I enjoy doing in general). So that's cool.

    What else.

    Nah, nothing else I want to talk about.

    I am super irritated with these older white cats who seem to be convinced they're going to get a fucking merit badge by shucking their corn. Doesn't inspire anyone else, unless you're some kind of competitive beta-male jackoff, makes everyone else look bad.

    What the hell is wrong with just doing your job, same as everyone else? Hint: they're not going to give you a prize except maybe a dink prize for being an ass nobody likes.

    Just fucking do the job, do it right, do it efficiently.

    White people are so edgy. Stupid crackers.

  15. #215
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh yeah, note to anybody: if you feel like cursing under your breath (I don't think I'm certifiably crazy, but I talk a lot to myself, just keeps me going), just do it in a different language than English.

    French is great for that -- none of the curse words really make sense strung together like people do, they're just a random string of vulgarities.

    Plus, at least in French, I don't think anybody's going to understand you (it's a challenge to avoid "putain," "putasse," which people probably do understand) -- but there's no native speaker of French from the overseas departments or the continent who would ever complain to a boss.

    That's not how they roll, squealing like a pig to a cop.

    Oh. Well. OK, well the collabos were are punished. Never mind.

  16. #216
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Well that was fucked.

    I think I officially cursed more to myself in French (out loud) than ever before at work. Don't know why, just something about picking and a grinning just makes you want to say to yourself "get that fucking bag in there, you cocksucking son of whore bitch, I'll fuck your face you bitch bag."

    Probably frowned upon in English.

    BUT, found out that my instincts were right and one of the two local cab companies is the cheapest to get gas near my work.

    And that this tavern is....WAY different then I remembered. It actually is a pretty scummy dive, with two tiny (regular bar-sized pool tables in shit repair -- fucked up cloth).

    And are you shitting me? I'm not paying five bucks plus one dollar tip for a fancy microbrew.

    Well, I did of course, two of them in fact.

    That's ridiculous -- that's like a fancy beer price.

    Idiots.

    But at least the clientele at 10 in the morning is loud and somewhat affable. Possible homeless, in some cases.

  17. #217
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh yeah, multiple days of doing my thing of just cussing vulgarities under my breath in French.

    I think it works!

    Nobody knows what the hell I'm saying, including myself!

    Here's another one. I visited impromptu my pops in the hospital after work, just to say "Hi."

    You know, it's kind of ... I don't have the word, but while I was observing a few responses to his physical therapist (nurse?) I don't know what the title is. (No longer ICU, just a regular room).

    Yeah.

    Seeing a small tear come out of the corner of your father's eye while he's giving the correct information about his pain levels, and his status to his caregiver.

    Yeah, that's something.

    I actually got the hanky out of my jeans' pocket, just in preparation if he had some more or wanted some care.

    i think he liked me giving him a gentle pat on his arm or shoulder during the long series of questions -- got to be careful to not hit the fluid lines, but I like to think he liked that.

    Yeah, that's an experience.

    Highly recommended.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 24 Mar 2018 at 09:40 PM.

  18. #218
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, and picking heavy freight, then hauling 500-600 lb carts with meticulous precision and efficiency.

    Do that for three hours without a break.

    That's how you get strong, I guess, at least physically.

    Who knows.

  19. #219
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Goddam who knows?


    I hate to say it, but I love to say it, that nice little brunette. Yeah, she saw me hauling carts like a boss, shirt soaked through with sweat (mine, not her's! I'm a gentleman! I never look!).


    Couple of times she deliberately looked me in the eye, just in passing.

    I think I know the dude she was out car-walking with -- I'm guessing, he's just some old fart with a wife and stuff back home, or else he's just some old divorced dude who she's "goin with."

    Either way, hell, what do I care?

    Nothing to do with me.


    I still like her, but it's obvious she likes me enough to respect me as a person to give an eye-contact.

    That's fine.

    Alls it means it me is that the half-dozen times I see her throwing freight and picking freight, we're on the same page: vide licet, just getting on.

  20. #220
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Me and the cutie got to work side by side!

    Obviously, I do it right, and none of that mincing "oh, excuuuse me, my lady," just polite, we did our thing.

    THEN I got done picking my route, and I get assigned to help WN6 back near the row I was just at.

    So I ask her, "Are you WN6? I was just told to help you with overflow. You want to scan and I'll stack on the cart?"

    That is fucking good, because not only are my huge hands an asset, I'm quick as shit through a duck's ass, so we just groove on that working through boxes.

    That's the only physical labor I'm good at, just being strong and working smooth with other people.

    hhhhhcehjwhewhwchewc.....never mind......

    Well, so that was good.

    What is that a foundation for the fucking future?

    Nah, bullshit.

    At least she knows I'm not a scumbag slacker, and I know she has cute eyes.

    Nah.

    It's nothing, but, it's still good to know good people.

  21. #221
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    HEY!!!!

    She might be extrovert OR she could be like me and introvert who just rolls with it and gets along with people.

    I CAN USE THIS TO ...no, I really can't. But....no, there's no value to that observation...But....no, I don't see any value in observing that, except people and stuff.

    However, it's ... probably....no. Doesn't matter, she's cute, and she's an introvert and I like being around her and I want to murder any man I see around her being friendly.

    Yay! I'm a psycho!

    But I love me in the morning in front of the mirror each day!

  22. #222
    Member Elendil's Heir's avatar
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    Don't we all?

  23. #223
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    I wasn't aware too many others did the Jame Gumb dance in front of the mirror, but it makes sense.

    Certainly everyone should, for it would amuse me, so long as I didn't have to see it.

  24. #224
    Member Elendil's Heir's avatar
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    I assure you I will never force you to look at me doing it.

  25. #225
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    LOL. Thank you!

    Still laughing.....

    Shit.

    Well I do have new RL observation. Goddamned, that woman is one tasty bitch.

    Well, I guess that is not that great an observation.

    STILL. It is...an...anecdont?

    ETA oh, but this makes it an...well, no, but still. WHY? why do I happen to find brunettes quite a bit shorter than me attractive? And this is one strong picker -- I could probably beat her up if I wanted to (which I don't, FTR, and couldn't imagine why I would, unless she superglued my dick to my gut or something ridculous). Hell, she could probably do more pushups than me.

    That is weird.

    Apparently I have a "type" -- I don't think so, but maybe so.

    Geometry. That is all.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 29 Mar 2018 at 07:04 PM.

  26. #226
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Excellent

    Now it will be perfectly reasonable for a pedestrian to unload a shotgun of deer slugs into an errant self-driving vehicle, in order to protect his or her life.

    Oh.

    Some pantywaists probably be all like "mewl pule think of the children!"

    No. Not really. The errant humans don't deserve to die, I don't suggest; however errant vehicles should be terminated.

    With extreme prejudice.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 31 Mar 2018 at 09:01 PM.

  27. #227
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Oh, here's kind of a neat RL anecdote -- today (UTC -7) at about 0410, I was getting on the road to work, and I actually saw a lone coyote in my tiny street.

    I've seen them around here plenty, but usually kind of scrawny and in loose groups.

    Yeah, I know they eat human midgets and little Fifi dogs, so shame on them, but I think they're neat animals, and this was a particularly nice specimen.

    I don't know, I just kind of like them, and AFAIC they have more right to be here than many other untrained "companion" animals.

    Anyway, they don't bother me, and I enjoy their vocalizations as well as their kind of sweet monogamous ways.

    Well, I suppose that s a "funny RL observation," for some value of "funny."

    I just thought it was neat -- usually coyotes look kind of scrawny and ragged, but this was a handsome specimen. Don't know what he was doing in the street, maybe scrounging through the dumpster, or just migrating to look for something else to eat.

  28. #228
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    You would NOT believe what a couple of jackass van drivers are capable of.

    SO, the gist is that we write in dry-erase markers our route numbers, number of carts, staging area.

    Apparently some cunt van driver gave me static for writing my "0" as a circle with a slash through it.

    You know, like an actual person. Mind you, that was NOT the Bourbaki symbol for the null set.

    How in the hell HELL could you mistake that for the numeral 1?

    What were these people, born in a bar?

    Carts in the right area, all the zeros looked identical, it was complete.

    Jesus fucking christ. YEAH DUMBSHIT, THAT'S a motherfucking zero. Use your fucking brain for once. Even after I explained "Well, I put a slash through it so it can't be confused for the letter 'o'" -- bitch be like "Why would that be an 'o'?" It's a fucking zero, goddamned it. Same reason I put a vertical line through the numeral 7, and write a "1" like a goddamned person.

    Idiot assholes.

    And if I explain it to your dumb fucking ass, don't fucking argue with me.

    Idiots.

  29. #229
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Here's a good one.

    I was just cleaning off the pool table of my habitual "practice" routine of 14.1 aka "straight pool" -- mostly fail, but the most important is getting the right touch back.

    So I hang "my" cue and I had to squint but it was two broads from work whom I'd just seen not an hour ago.

    We ended up just sitting at a booth -- they had some food and whatever, I just sipped on my beer (and, GASP, even went back for a refill!)

    That was fun -- not romantic interest "girls" -- I mean, they were both single, but they each had teenage children.

    Just fun to talk to.

    Natch, we spent so long gabbing that I ended up with a $44 USD parking ticket. Grrr. Grrr.

    Oh well, it can happen. They do eat their young, though, the parking nazis.

    Just in case there was any doubt.

    But, so now I know by name two cool people with lots of seniority, and kind of got some inside gossip and the rest of that warehouse shit.

    And no, these weren't tough, tattooed broads, just regular good people.

    AND they volunteered to be my "wingwomen" for when I get a chance to ask out my little shorty brunette!

    Is good to know people!

  30. #230
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    When I sit on my balcony to drink coffee/beer/whatever these lorikeets walk along the rail and beg me for food. When I fetch some they eat it out of my hand. Some even jump onto my hand, or lap to eat the resulting crumbs. I have little mock arguments with a sassy one with a spot on its beak. I push my finger towards its belly, it slaps it away with its claw. We have shrieking matches almost every day but it always returns. I've got a reputation in the neighbourhood as the guy with the birds because there are often over 100 birds of various types walking around my yard, or on me, or on the rail.

    Moral of the story: birds generally make better friends than humans.

  31. #231
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Trojan Man View post
    Moral of the story: birds generally make better friends than humans.
    Goddammned right.


    Birds don't give you a bunch of shit.

    Well....

    Anyway, at least birds make goddamned sense.

    Some of they is bastards though.

    But still, see you in Alcatraz, birdman!

  32. #232
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    Amazon Prime Associate.

    I am currently a Seasonal Part-time Associate at DPD-1

    Since the only available interview for this new position is at Apr-18-2018 at 09h00, you will need to contact Denise Alexander at DPD-01.

    Since she didn't allow me to hold my father's hand while he was dying in the ICU, maybe she'll get the picture now that I've been requested by Amazon.

    At least I hope a more professional manager will take care of the scheduling issue.
    Yeah, well, you didn't hear what I wanted to say.......mmm.......hhhhh.....well, at least I didn't say it!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 15 Apr 2018 at 05:12 PM.

  33. #233
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    So, I will be attending the new hire interview at April-18-2018 09h00

    After consulting with Amazon Hub's live consultant, I will be attending.

    So, I will not be accrued further punitive points for following Amazon's directions.

    That is the correct solution, and there is not to be any further argument from you.

    Yours truly.

    John L* **********
    Goddammed right, you fuck cunts.

  34. #234
    Oliphaunt Jizzelbin's avatar
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    New plan: next time I go into work, day after tomorrow, I'll just say: "Our company required that I go in for orientation this Wednesday. Yep, tried to reschedule multiple times. You'll just have to figure it out with your superiors -- I can't get involved with your little fights. Take it up with Amazon -- this isn't my fight."

    ETA and, no the answer if some bitch or soyboy gives me static is: "Are you important?" Yeah, I didn't think so. So just do your fucking job. Homo."

    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 15 Apr 2018 at 07:17 PM.

  35. #235
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    I'm 90% sure I'm going to get fired for this -- but...at least I'm right!

    Thanks!

    I CC'ed HR at my current Amazon location.

    Obviously, I will not be accrued any "points" for following Amazon
    instructions, but it I am, it will be filed along with the other
    errrors Amazon HR made.

    Let's hope you don't make any further severe errors, and there will be
    no further errors on your end. You're a good company, let's just now
    see any more mistakes from you.

    Yours truly,

    John LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

    On 4/15/18, Recruiting Ops <noreply-ops-jobs@amazon.com> wrote:
    > Hello John,
    > Thanks for completing your information! If you scheduled an appointment,
    > please check your email for a separate appointment confirmation. Otherwise,
    > stay tuned for next steps.
    > Check your submission status and update your information any time by signing
    > into your Job Page and select 'Jobs I've Applied To' in the menu located in
    > the upper right-hand corner.
    > All further communication regarding your status will come through email.
    > Please check your email inbox and spam folders frequently.
    > Thank you,Amazon Staffing Team

  36. #236
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    Thanks for your attention.

    Your process is clear and straightforward, and I appreciate prompt and clear communication in one of the many languages used by those with a classical education.

    Always nice to see!

    Yours truly,

    John LXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    Love those people. Stick it in and break it off, just like a cop's wet dream

  37. #237
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    Thanks, Reegan,

    I appreciate the response, and although it is clear Amazon's policies, I am glad to be informed in a timely fashion in what manner the policies of my company are implemented.

    Than you again for your timely and informative response.

    Yours truly,

    JohnLXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
    Trust me. It took all of my willpower to not make a joke about one of The Exorcist movies! I mean, really?


    I think I might be kind of a prick IRL...well, I'm chill, but don't start shit with me.

  38. #238
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    New plan: if some RL cunt gives me static.

    "You'll just have to take it up with Amazon. One of your superiors. Somebody with, maybe, more than an MBA."

    Then just blank, hollow-eyed stare directly into their eyes.

    There is no excuse for people like that to be (i) manually overriding the shortest-path + scheduling algorithms (ii) talking to humans.

    They belong in an office, not eating tater tots behind a desk where people are sweating their lives away.

  39. #239
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    This is to confirm that, according to Amazon's instructions, I will be
    reporting to Amazon on 18-APR-2018 at 0900.

    There will be no punitive points added to my "record."

    Ms. Denise Alexander will ensure that any defective points will be
    corrected, as Amazon has instructed her.

    This is my final communication on the subject, and I trust Amazon's
    employees will handle the matter correctly.

    Yours sincerely,

    John blahblah
    Shit, I guess I'm kind of a bitch. Well. At least I'm not angry -- I just give them enough rope to hang themselves. Faggot assholes. ETA OK, fine, heterosexuality-impaired. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

    If my language is indeed offensive to anyone here, I will tone it down. It's not really meant to be hurtful, but if it is, I'll fix it, no problems.

    EETA And, yes, the devil girl from Exorcist was named "Regan" -- just whatever raghead Amazon "assigned" to me was called "Reegan," so close enough. That offensive enough? This is the board that won't allow Froody Blue Gem to post after NUMEROUS supplications, so, obviously, there's no modes or the owner is sucking shit out of a yak's ass in a goddamned Tibetan paradise. But, yes, from respect for the few actual people here, if my language is offensive, I'll knock it off. What can I say? Working in a goddamned warehouse with some Nazi screeching bitch van delivery drivers....really puts some good language in you.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 16 Apr 2018 at 02:48 AM.

  40. #240
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    Oh, my little shortie brunette is driving me to distractiion.

    Have mercy. Have mercy!

    Thing is, we work good together when we cross paths -- she'll be rolling her cart, I'll just give her the signal "come on through." You know, like good workers do...ahem...that is, not everybody, but it should be, and it sure as shit is me with everybody.

    Although. Her facial complexion has some flaws.

    Should I kill her and stuff her corpse in my trunk....

    No probably not. Definitely not. Wapner in 10 minutes. Definitely be late for Wapner.

    Anyway, that's a lot of effort.

    It's getting difficult to be patient and just wait for a cool, natural time to ask her out.

    Having a couple of "wing-girls" on my side from work makes it easier, but, still, I'm not a child who's too shy to ask her out.

    Bah.

    My BO smells like roses after a few hours of sweating...maybe she doesn't smell good.

    Or, horror! Maybe her dental hygiene isn't so good.

    Hmmm.....Hmmmm...Grrrrr.

    Well, I guess I figured out why people go on stupid square-ass "dates" -- gotta find it out!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; Yesterday at 03:37 PM.

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