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Thread: The funny RL observations and anecdotes thread RPG omnibus

  1. #551
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    oh, shit. Yeah, my beard was getting a bit shaggy so I did the whole Duane Allman/Lemmy Klimister thing again.

    Fuck.

    I'm pretty sure one of my gals at work tomorrow is going to sass me.

    But, fortunately, I have a good comeback, for once.

    "Don't you don't rile me, sugar!"

  2. #552
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    And, yes I did cut the shit out of my chin while I was hacking away with a fresh double-edged blade.

    Meh, it'll probably be healed by tomorrow.

    I don't know and I don't much care.

    ETA That was almost a good half-inch of beard I trimmed, though! At least off the chin.

    And if anyone here says about MaxiPads or whatever....yeah, that is what could be inferred. That's fine, it's not a problem.

    In my experience it's more women who are a little bit troubled by their man doing the whole "red wings" thing.

    But, hey.

    Not my problem.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 02 Apr 2020 at 02:30 AM.

  3. #553
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    OMG.

    I can't believe at least one moron is actually arguing FOR a computational theory of mind in some other thread on a different board.

    I really cannot believe it.

    Well, sure, I mean, some "people" voted some reality TV game show host into office.

    I just cannot believe in the idiocy of some people.

    Or maybe just I'd rather not have to admit such morons into the human condition.

    Unbelievable.

    Well, I guess I believe it now. Some people are effing dense.

    In other news, it's probably going to rain in the next week. Stay classy, San Diego!

  4. #554
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    I did have a funny at the liquor store today, behind the sheet of plexiglass they put up.

    Yeah, I just pay using my regular bank card and they got this whole system of one pile of "clean" pens and a little coffee cup to put the pen after it's been handled.

    Pretty neat system, I'd say.

    So, anyway, for once I got to do the whole Jake Blues and say to the lady (yes, she knows me), "Well, I'm just going to have to do the whole Blues Brothers thing and make my mark!."

    Yeah, my bank will put it through, it's fine, but I did enjoy for once putting an "X" on the signature line while standing a good seven feet or more from my gal at the store.

    Good times!

  5. #555
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    I really have to get this out in the open and it's a bit too late for me to be texting my gal pal from work.

    I'm not sure if this is pathological, or if I'm just a depraved moron.

    Pretty much 99% of the time I'm thinking about pussy.

    No, I'm not going around molesting women I know, and I do have pretty close and healthy relationships with women on the job.

    And, no, I don't spend a million hours a day jacking off at home: you know, I go to work and all that and keep pretty normal friendships.

    But, damn.

    All I think about in my spare moments is "Hey, how can I get this new girl I just met at work into the sack?"

    Fuck. It's really, to borrorw a word from somewhere in Samuel Beckett, a very "absorbing" sexual life.

    I'm going to text my gal Ra______ tomorrow, because she knows me as well as anyone, and I pretty often chat with her about "Hey, what's up with that new woman who's on Cycle 1 or Same Day" and she's used to hearing my shit.

    Fuck.

    I really don't think it's pathological. Maybe just a high sex drive or testosterone or whatever.

    And good for me for maintaining healthy friendships with women at work. But damned if I don't every other second be thinking like, "well, I'd hit that from behind, but she's my friend and so not going to do that this week. Next week, maybe!"

    I feel like a retard or something, just every day thinking about busting my nut on or in some new gal I meet.

    Nah. That's probably pretty normal. It just occurred to me that maybe it might be a problem. It's fine. I'm just a degenerate poonhound, I guess.

  6. #556
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    Yeah, Ra_____'s on board with my whole thing, although she was not too happy about waking up today to a bunch of my idiotic texts.

    She knows what I'm talking about and she's even halfway on my side about me trying to pick up this white deaf girl from work. OK, hearing impaired, maybe. And she might not be white or whatever. All right, anyway, Ra******* did suggest that deaf white girl is pretty good at reading lips and so I can just talk to her and get her name and see how she rolls.

    That's going to be a hard first conversation, because I don't know how to sign or anything about ASL, but like I was saying, well, I'll just have to see how it is. And like I was saying also, well, there's a little bit of an art to it, but I got it covered.

  7. #557
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    You know, I'm about 75% of the way there to just asking R******* if she wants to fuck sometime.

    Yeah, just like that.

    We're pretty good friends, and she's a smart girl, and she knows all about me just from observation.

    Pretty different people, me and her: she's pretty much rocking the "street smart colored girl from the hood who got a kid she been raising on her own," and well, I'm obviously not that, but we get along as friends and talk about everything.

    Yeah. I'd say why not.

    I don't think she'd be into having me take her from behind, but she knows I live alone and maybe she wouldn't mind a little bit getting away from her own life.

    A little bit.

    And, yeah, we're pretty friendly so the most she'd do is just punch me in the arm and say "Shut up, fool!"

    Yeah. I could go me some of that, and for all that I've texted her about other gals at work, she probably wondering why I haven't just been like I said, "let's fuck, woman! come on over, and it's cool!"

    This is an EDIT but, yeah, I would change that to about 100% of the way there. It just have to be in person and depend on the right mood. I could certainly text her right now and say, "Hey! You're a good woman and why don't we just fuck sometime soon," but she'd probably not respond to that text.

    Yeah, I'm going 100% going to get some of my gal: hell, we'll be together all week starting tomorrow, and I'll just ask her when it's a good moment. She knows I respect her, because I've said that, and maybe we'll just get it on. Maybe not, but you know, she's a friend and it's not going to be a problem just doing that. Can I actually get it up for her? That's something....well...I'm not too sure about that. I don't find her that attractive physically. But, you know, the lord works in mysterious ways.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 04 Apr 2020 at 07:31 PM.

  8. #558
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    Oh. Dammit.

    Yeah, I 100% did just text R******* just now. I said it in French and I used mostly slang so it wouldn't have been so obvious, and I said it politely as well, but still all I said was, basically, "It's be a pretty good idea if you and me just got down and started fucking: it'd probably be OK, don't you think? It's no big deal either way but you might have fun."

    No, I'm not going to quote exactly what I said, but that's what I said.

    Shit.

    She's probably have to google translate and I used text slang so it probably wouldn't be translated word-for-word correctly by the machine bots, but I'm pretty sure she's going to punch me in the face tomorrow at work. I mean, I was really not subtle, I basically said, "Hey baby, you want to fuck or what."

    I guess my only hope is she doesn't know an actual francophone who can translate it, but that's what I said. A machine translator might not translate it correctly, but anybody who speaks French would know exactly what I said.

    ETA I did give her the option of w...never mind.

    She probably could get me fired for that shit. I was polite, sort of, but very direct. No she wouldn't do me like that, she curses as much as I do and we're friendly.

    But it was pretty damned direct, however much I put it polite language. There's not any doubt about what I said.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 04 Apr 2020 at 11:19 PM.

  9. #559
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    And yes now I'm somewhat dreading tomorrow at beginning of shift.

    I know she's going to give me a big look.

    I know that, because I know her.

    And because she knows me and this is what she'll expect, I'm going to look at her square in the eyes and shake my head and mouth the words. "Don't. Even. Sugar. Rile. Me."

    And then I know for a fact she and me will get to talking.

    And she's going to hint about what I said.

    I got one phrase, after I look her up and down and I know for sure she's going to be all with some nice clothes and stuff tomorrow. "Yep. That's what I said. Let's boogie."

  10. #560
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    Or, worst case, she'll give me a bad look when I see her and be like "Oh yeah? Well let me think about it."

    And then I can just say, "Well, suit yourself woman."

    And don't think I wouldn't say that. That's my whole bag, motherfuckers.

  11. #561
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    No, here's the more realistic thing.

    She's going to give me a big look tomorrow, and I'm going to reply by deliberately looking her up and down, all five feet of her, and I'll just say, "We all good, honey?" And she'll reply by not saying anything and keep giving me that look. And, that'll be my cue to apologize a bit by saying like I already did via text, "Well, it's just one of those things. I know you know me probably better than I know myself, but I respect you, and you know for certain there's not going to be any problems from here. First, you're part of my team, and, second, the warehouse is also in my crew. You're a good woman and you're a good woman for putting up with my shit, and I know you know that."

    And that will be that. And she can keep giving me advice about how I can fuck the other gals in the warehouse, and she certainly gives some good advice, she knows how it all shakes down.

    She's not going to look at me the same way again, but it'll be OK. She knows I've got an eye for the ladies, because that's most of what me and her talk about.

    I think we'll be about the same as before.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 05 Apr 2020 at 03:28 AM.

  12. #562
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    Or more probably, she's going to give me that big look, and I'll just look back, glance away for bit, and then look back in her eyes and look ashamedly down at my feet.

    That's fine: hey, I did bad, she knows it, and she knows I know it, and she just wants me to acknowledge that.

    That's 100% fine with me.

    What matters most to me is that she knows I know that she knows that I know I did her a bit wrong, even though it wasn't technically a bad thing, just me talking too forward to her. Which is all we talk about IRL anyway, so, she knows what I'm talking about, I just asked her "Hey, wanna fuck?"

    Well now I did! That's all in the air between R*** and me, I guess.

  13. #563
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    And, yes, everything's fine with my gal and me. It's all fine.

    Although I will say I shouldn't have done my infamous text in French. I guess I thought I was crafty.

    And, yes, it was about 90% using abbreviations or shorthand/chat slang.

    I'll defend that. I love abbreviations, plus she can't just type it into Bing and have it translated by some stupid motherfucking cracker machine bullshit.

    So, that's all good. And, yes, I told her what I said in real language and, predictably, she was not having any of that but we're cool.

    It's her son's birthday today so she wasn't at work but we got in touch briefly and it's all good.

    //////////////

    ETA OK, this was pretty fucking funny. It's just a thread from some other board going off on some telemarketer.

    Nothing to do with anything, it just made me laugh a bit. That was a pretty epic public shaming.

    And, yes, I'm going to be publicly shamed over this week at work, I have no doubt at all, at least for being such a ponce to Ra***** and talking to her in a language I knows she doesn't speak but doing it in a maximally obfuscated manner such that she probably couldn't easily have a computer translate it.

    And, plus, word's going to get out at work that I asked my friend if she wanted to fuck, and so, that's going to be...well...I'll just have to take my medicine. I did say it, after all. And she's my friend so I'm 100% sure she's not going to repeat all the stuff I was talking about about some other gals in the place. Hell, she was laughing too and put her own contributions in as well. I mean, yeah, she'll repeat it and it will get around, because she likes to talk, but she'll do it cool so it's not going to be a problem.

    But that one made me smile contentedly. Pretty good stuff.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 06 Apr 2020 at 03:00 AM.

  14. #564
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    Shit. That's one of the funniest things I've read, the above cited thread.

    Yeah. Funny as in it took of my powers, and all of my strength to not spit a mouthful of beer all over myself and the keyboard.

    If you all haven't seen that one yet, I really can't recommend it highly enough.

    It's pretty stupid, but, still, really damned funny.

  15. #565
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    Shit. I believe I'm really pretty ill, most likely with CV19. I just got over a pretty moderate little head cold, but in the last few days: extreme fatigue (as in a regularly fall asleep sitting up at my desk), slight difficulty breathing, most likely a fever (I used to have a thermometer, but I wouldn't know where it is now), slight nausea. Slightly more profound coughing than usual, and it is indeed a dry cough.

    Some of this can be explained by just my regular habits: I don't sleep very well, and when I do it's only because I take quite a bit of diphenhdramine before going to sleep, also, I smoke tobacco like a chimney, and my diet is pretty much not nutritious at all, when I even bother to eat solid foods over the course of a day or even several.

    I'm not exactly fat or obese, I have perfect blood pressure numbers, I get a lot of exercise most days of the week, both cardio and heavy lifting, and while I'm not exactly a young man, I wouldn't say I'm too gimpy and old, except for my permanent problems with my feet.

    OTOH, I am obliged to be in public seeing hundreds of people, many of them new to me, and in quite close contact with many of even most of them, and, while I do an excellent job of social distancing, being generally a hygienic type, I unfortunately am sometimes obliged to run a few errands.

    Probably a confusion of cause and effect: I do drink quite a lot of alcohol, which destroys my ability to sleep well, and I'm likely sure I have some kind of COPD from my unwise tobacco habits. And given how ridiculous my dietary habits are, aside from alcohol, there's an innate problem there. Also, generally, I'm under quite a bit of stress, especially lately, which might have some repressive effects on my immune system as well.

    Fuck it, I'm just not going into work today. That motherfucking hump, dear leader and CEO doesn't have the corporate ability to produce a sensibile policy for we grunts at the bottom, and he also doesn't have the leadership ability to inspire better management techniques at the finer-grained level. Stupid crap like putting 19 year olds on the corporate treadmill, with very, very few experienced leaders at the local/regional level.

  16. #566
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    Well, that was kind of fun, doing the US Census online.

    Also put in for a shift transfer to full time at The Company: not that my team doesn't get along, for the most part, but at least I'll get better health benefits, and, obviously, more money from wages. Yeah, I know the shift: the managers are, some of them, a real PITA, but that's fine with me. AND there happen to be some very prety girls working that shift.

  17. #567
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    Well, I don't know if it's funny, but I found it remarkable when I received confession today on Good Friday (I was the only one dressed in black! heathens!), they didn't need anybody at the door saying what to do and how far to stand.

    Everybody just did it, not even one word from the fifty or more of us lined up outside.

    That doesn't explain anything, but at least within this parish people behaved themselves.

    What out the door they did? I wouldn't know. I was solemn for a few moments and then when I got in my car I lit a cigarette and was like, "Fuck yeah!" A motherfucking priest said I was absolved after all that shit? I'm on that like white on toast.

    ETA Yeah the dude asked me at the end to say the prayer of contrition, and I started, "Confiteor..." sorry father I can't remember the rest. Look at your feet.

    Holy shit the RCC is getting soft!
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 10 Apr 2020 at 07:50 PM.

  18. #568
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    Yeah, it is a good feeling, at least for people who believe somewhat in the binding and loosing of the Church.

    Just to be able to say, "I have not felt able to receive the joy of the resurrection each Sunday and each day of obligation, for the past three years, and that is my most grave sin I have committed, father."

    Yes, I know it's a shell game or whatever, but I like it, and I have no problems with it whatever.

    There is no better feeling than doing the right thing and being released. Maybe some reiki stretches or doing to the sun-god of NKor or talk therapy or whatever bullshit Whatever.

    And besides there is a kind of kinship one can establish with others of differing sects.

    Which I wouldn't call a small benefit, nor would I think much of an exploiter of this fact. Have I used this common faith to try to "get with" a few women. Yes. Is it a problem? Yes, it would be, if I misrepresented myself. The RCC as one knows is pretty much not for fornication. But, I'm not a theologian and I don't excuse what I do. I never deceive anyone.

    At worst, I do say in conversation that I read the bible (true, the Wordsworth Clementine Vulgate) and revere Stes. Teresas and read and study the neo-Thomists. That's all true.

    I don't wear a cross on my neck, but I do have a medallion of Mary on my keychain, and I observe the usual things.

    So, it's not for some advantage in chatting up ladies, but it can be some way we can get further. Which, yes, fornication, but, you know, it's about respect, is how I read the catechism of the RCC.

  19. #569
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    I just did a RL experiment on how it would go with me and deaf white girl trying to speak.

    First. I speak French bi-lingually, but in a very crude form of the language with almost no grammar and hardly any words I of course learned some that later, just like when one becomes a scientist one learns to read and write German.

    Second. I find it extremely difficult to decide how to shape my mouth when I ask her her name. You know, I don't know how to lip read, so a little inflection or something is going to throw a deaf white girl off her game if I don't do it right.

    I mean, I can talk in a few different ways, but I don't know how many she can read.

  20. #570
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    Fuck. I can hardly walk these days. Even just getting up from my desk at home to refill a liter of water.

    I really suspect this is not going to ever be cured. Orthotics? Doesn't seem to matter. I take a shitload of ibuprofen every day. I use some stretching techniques for the relevant fascii.

    This just plain sucks ass.

    Oh, and as a bonus, adaptive moving to the balls of the foot, well, that just fucks up my toes and all that.

    Yeah, happy Easter. Tomb is empty this, motherfuckers.

  21. #571
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    Damn stupid IRS mofos. Yeah, I could have predicted my check would have been held up, judging by their idiotic, non-functional "identity verification" nonsense. Yes, they have my account information, but I probably have to wait for a paper check. It's fine, just annoying.

    Eh. Fortunately I don't need the money right at the moment, but it would have been nice to just check that off the list of things to do. Well, that's not true: I owe my mother three hundred bucks from last month, and I'd like to pay her back ASAP instead just a hundred here or there. I have the cash now, thanks to overpaying my state tax returns by quite a bit, but it's not that convenient to figure out a way to get it to her.

    But obviously I'm not going to see her in person anytime soon and I don't think she knows how to set up an ACH payment from her bank, which would be the easiest.

    No, I'm not going to be the one who killed my parents by being a carrier. Neither of them are in super health: quite the opposite, and so it's a necessity that I be prudent and not initiate contact. Fortunately, they're both pretty damned smart, so they wouldn't accept the risk either. Which is good, since that indicates I'm probably the only nuclear family member with a touch of dementia.

    Also, I owe the electric company quite a bit, and I'd rather just get that off the books as well. And lard up my 401K, buy stock options, and all that good stuff.

    Geico? Meh, they can wait for a bit.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 14 Apr 2020 at 02:48 AM.

  22. #572
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    Where to start. No, Ra T****** is definitely cooled off to me: we're still cool, but she's definitely not having any of my bullshit, and, as I predicted, she's never going to look at me the same way again.

    And here's the home of the Whopper: I was chatting on FB with an old friend of the family, a very good painter, me and his family go back generations.

    Apparently many of the men related to me from generations past had giant dongs, like Milton Berle type stuff.

    I really feel a bit cheated in that respect. But, hey, at least when that magnum-sized condom falls off in coitus, I have huge hands so I can go fish it out of my lady.

    That is not really much consolation. I did have a vivid dream yesterday or the day before about "retrieving" an errant condom from a woman's snapper. No, it wasn't an erotic dream at all, just...well, you know, it's just what you have to do from time to time. I'd call it an uncomfortable situation, but a necessary one at times.

    ETA but word on the street is that "Jeff" (that sounds like a kid's name, like "Jimmy" or "Biff" or "Skipper") Bezos is pretty much on the road to being fucked. IMHO this is the time to take stimulus money, or any, and buy up AMZ stock at its rock bottom price. I don't think it can go any lower, and the infrastructure they've built up can't easily be liquidated, since the various kinds of warehouse or distribution centers are pretty much purpose built or completely redone to company specs. Just my opinion, not any inside information, just observation.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 15 Apr 2020 at 10:43 PM.

  23. #573
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    Oh, dammit.

    I hate this woman who lives in the downstairs condo, but I'll be damned if I'm not thinking about fucking her these days. And I'd be surprised if she weren't thinking the same thing about me. She knows I'm a terribly crude man, but she also knows I can kick hell out of piano and organ when I feel like it.

    Dammit.

    She's a nice enough gal, I guess. Any port in a storm, I suppose.

    Dammit.

    What the fuck is wrong with me, thinking about women every damned day and night.

    Dammit.

    Well, it's fine, I guess. If she feels like effing, she can come get it: it's a little too close to home for me, literally, and I just don't want to get that involved.

  24. #574
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    You people have no idea how incredibly pissed off I am right now

    Yeah, yeah, I know I'm out of cigarettes and the grocery store is closed. That's fine, and I did predict that.

    What I didn't predict is that magically somewhere my bag of pipe tobacco should have magically vanished.

    I am fucking pissed off, and can hardly see straight to methodically look for it.

    Fuck.

    I'm going to drink some whiskey, finish watching Rain Man, and just....fuck. Goddammit. What kind of fucking retard just "misplaces" a giant bag of pipe tobacco? Fuck. Shit.

    Well at least I haven't offended my RL friend Ra T*******. Oh. Yeah. But she still is on my side, right. Oh. Kind of not so much. Well at least talk to her about eating out some other bitches at work. Oh. Right. Well, I'm pretty sure she's probably not going to kick me in the nuts tomorrow. That I'm pretty sure about, so, I got that going for me. Which is nice. I'm pretty sure I'm not her favorite person right now, which is not that good.

  25. #575
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    Oh, this is going to be a super summer.

    Hard manual labor in a sweltering distribution center, AND I get to wear a surgical mask at all times!

    I'm really looking forward to that combination.

    It's not just hell — I'm used to that — but a fresh hell.

    A novel hell, one might say.

  26. #576
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    Damn right.

    I fooled the judge into reducing my noise violation citation to the minimum allowable under a "no contest" plea.

    Just got a check in the mail from the county!

    Still waiting for the "stimulus check," but the IRS assures me I shouldn't be holding my breath waiting for that, despite that I haven't changed addresses for years and dutifully file each year.

    But yeah! I was right! And they were wrong! Motherfuckers!

    Probably could have got the whole thing dismissed if I pled not guilty, maybe, but this was easier: just scrawl out some mitigating reasons and go visit the courthouse and do all that.

  27. #577
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    Motherfuckers.

    I cannot still believe it.

    Yeah, this was last evening coming home from work. A bunch of goddamned monkey-ass clown motherfucking white bitches decided it would be amusing to tailgate me.

    Well, I do like having the hand operated parking brake (no, it's a compound adjective, so it doesn't need to take a hyphen), so that I can depress it while simultaneously accelerating to well over the conditions of the road.

    What in the fuck is wrong with people?

    You don't tailgate people, ever.

    Point final.

    Ever.

    What the fuck drives somebody, so to speak, to tailgate?

    Honestly, I'd have no problem putting them in the Dispose-All or a nice hydrogen cyanide shower.

    You don't tailgate. Anyone. Ever. At any time. Ever.

  28. #578
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    New plan.

    Not that it's new to me.

    Just safely indicate that one is turning, pull off to the side of the road, and follow them to their domicile.

    And put their address and license plate ID on Facebook.

    I do actually want these people to be killed, but I'm not going to do it myself.

  29. #579
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    My team of administrators and workers at AMZN are getting short-shrifted.

    However, with CV-19 rules, they always need people to run temp check, and people who walk around the warehouse admonishing people who do not stay six feet apart.

    Since I like doing temp check (not everybody is trained for it, and among those, not everybody likes sitting in a chair most times — I love it, I have a stack of books, and so forth), my strategy to avoid being assigned to be a "social distancing champion" is to dress entirely in black, hold a rosary in my hand to keep count of how many "laps" of about 400m around the warehouse I do, and clip to my vest the rosary prayers in Latin and memorize them (the only one I'm not sure yet of is the Salve regina, with the collect, but that's easy to memorize I find).

    And clip to my vest complete declensions of various types of Finnish nouns, including ones with consonant gradation.

    While I don't utter phrases out loud nor ostentatiously display the rosary (my abacus, really), I'm pretty sure they don't want someone dressed in head to toe in black fingering rosary beads walking laps nonstop for many hours.

    But, I like to walk. Maybe walking 3mph isn't exactly an ironman triathlete event, but it's good for you, and it makes it easier to memorize stuff.

    Credo (shorter, apostles)
    Pater noster
    Ave Maria
    Gloria
    Fatima
    Salve regina

    Aside from the Salve regina, which I almost got down today, I run through the rest periodically to make sure it's automatic.

    From then, the collect from the Salve reg.

    And the Nicene creed, also in Latin: pretty much the same as the shorter creed, but some odd replacements.

    Well, put that in your pipe and smoke it. While technically a Catholic, and a practicing one to boot, but not exactly a true believer, in a few short weeks I can recite the rosary in Latin without a crib (except for a peek at the final Salve Regina).

    Suck on that!

    Oh, yeah, I use the reconstructed Ciceronian-age pronunciation, just because I don't like the Italian mongrel pronunciation the Church uses.

  30. #580
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    I did the CV-19 nose-stick-plunger thing yesterday.

    Kind of fun actually: really cleans out your nose, much better than the pedestrian nose-picking and farmers-blowing.

    I have about zero faith in the accuracy of whatever results I get in a few days, but it was kind of fun, I guess. It was at work, so between bullshitting with one of my coworkers who was manning the entrance, it killed about twenty minutes of time, which is always nice, since I don't give two shits about AMZN or their productivity metrics.

    /////

    ETA I did memorize the Salve regina today. It's not very long. I'm not going to bother with the versicle, response, and the collect.

    Next challenge is, since I have the Apostles' Creed in Latin, to do the longer Nicene Creed, which is very similar but...longer and I want to see if I can do both of them from memory without getting confused.

    Don't even ask. This is just one way I try to keep from getting bored out of my skull. Like a hobby and maybe even an abstract test of memory, just to make sure I'm not completely demented.

  31. #581
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    Well, I actually was out in the suburbs filling up the tank with my rewards discount from my grocery store.

    Good deal. Fifty cents off per gallon.

    Couldn't resist: there's a box store called "PetCo" or "PetSmart" or something like that, and I bought one of those dog "clicker" training devices.

    Except I'm not using it to train any dog: it's to be clipped to my safety vest to train the contract drivers in my warehouse who refuse to social distance and who do not respond to verbal commands.

    I've been told that snapping one's fingers to achieve compliance can be interpreted as "rude," so I have a better tool at my disposal.

    Since I don't the authority to rub their nose in their mistakes when they soil my rug, figuratively speaking, I have a very good tool now.

    And, of course, I'm always going to be carrying a radio.

    "This is SDC1, we have need of escalation at ASLT pod 1, over."

    You think I'm joking. No, I am not. Nor am I on a frolic of my own. Strictly by the books.

    If you think I'm going to get called an asshole for doing AMZN's ridiculous task by some dickless contract DSP van drivers, then, well, that's not the way it happens. Not the kind of sugar papa likes, so I'm going right to the edge.

    My way is Amazon's way, and that's all there is to it. Much as I would like to "take it outside" and settle it like men, and take apart some little fairy, that's not the way it's done, and despite appearances, I like being employed.

  32. #582
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    Ahhh. I love my dog-training "clicker" device.

    And, no, if they're dumb enough to put me in charge of "social distancing" (which would be stupid: I'd be a terrible, abusive, corrupt cop, and it is not the role for me), I pledge to only use it to gain the attention of bad actors.

    And if any superior of mine has a problem with that, what better rejoinder than "Was I mistaken that Amazon takes social distancing seriously? How many CV-19 cases have we had in this distribution center in the past six months?"

    Oh, and that stupid swab nasal test for me came back negative for CV-19....but the test is bullshit, with ridiculously large tolerances for spurious results.

  33. #583
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    I probably shouldn't say this, but I have a raging boner for my Finnish lady friend.

    No, not literally: not at this moment, anyway.

    Yes, she knows all about it, and she just tells me to fuck off. But she still corresponds with me in writing, so it's not like an adversarial thing. We're both of us adults and each capable of compartmentalizing baser urges.

    I will say that continuing to learn the Finnish language, and, unavoidably, more about Finnish culture, such as it might exist, is more appealing to me given a "contact" on the ground. An astonishing language and culture, both beautiful and savage.

    That is all.

    Dominus uobiscum.

  34. #584
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    Motherfucker.

    They do have written instructions on moonwalk.

    Fucking a, yeah I guess I can do it, but, still, fucking a.

    I'd rather get my ass to Finland and be able to say more things than vile insults in direct conversation.

    Here's the progression in learning Finnish: (i) 15 cases? Shit! (ii) Oh, that's not so bad (iii) Oh, that's not how people talk (iv) it's a difficult language

    I will moonwalk, motherfuckers! In steel-toed shoes, motherfucker!

  35. #585
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    Shit. Well, it's good: because of Portland having had recently the worst air quality in the world.

    Yes, you read that right.

    Anyway, AMZN closed my distribution center until further notice, but with full pay for everybody. Apparently they closed quite a few in OR and WA, various types of warehouse-like places.

    Well, I got to do dishes today, look up some strange Finnish pornography, and looked at the D major fugue from Bach's WTC2.

    I still need to find which fuse is blown in the car, but it's too fucking disgusting outside to be spending what would probably be hours opening the hood and checking a few suspect fuses.

    Much less driving out to get some replacements, and all that.

    Eh, fuck it.

    Same old, same old.

  36. #586
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    Here's a truly odd anecdote. So, I stopped by the grocery store on my way back from town today, and, since I just had a few items, I dutifully waited for the self-checkout, six-feet apart, all that.

    As did everyone else. No problems there.

    So the gal in charge of the self-checkout did the usual cursory wipe-down of the next spot, and, since it's not a big store, and she knows me and likewise, I say, "Thanks, Angie!" and go ahead.

    Except: the previous woman-shaped thing with a small cartload of supplies seemed to take exception to...something. Despite that she had her own scanning cubicle to do her "self-checkout."

    She grumbles under her breath, "Yeah, thanks, bud!"

    Why? I've no idea.

    I'm just trying to get back home, but I can't resist muttering, "Yeah. Bud. That's what your proud boys drink. What do you think is under this shirt besides a full holster?"

    No, it doesn't mean anything, just an extremely odd oblique encounter.

    For all I know she was a little "touched" in the head and talking to herself, or perhaps aggrieved about something.

    Still, very strange.

    I think she might have been a Trumper.

  37. #587
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    Fucking A, I just heard Bob Gibson died just soon ago.

    See, that's not nothing I know a lot about, I never seen the whole of that *Baseball* documentary by that dude with the hair, but some people have sports heroes, or movie actors or directors or whatever from even before they were born, and Bob Gibson was that guy for me in sports.

    Baseball, at least. And, no, I don't know anything about St. Louis and I don't think they're doing so hot this year, but I like to fight, and he was a fighter, so even though he was before my time, I wish him well in resurrectionem carnis or whatever.

    Maybe it was all mythology, but he was my kind of pitcher. You know, one straight to the bean if the batter don't play right, but not for nothing like...Don Drysdale or some assassin like that.

  38. #588
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    All right, I admit I don't often have the chance to play contract bridge much. Now that I have broadband internet at my place, that may change.

    There must be some kind of terminological change: you know, like in lowball poker, the lowest hand wins.

    I can and, god willing, if I get the right hand dealt, bid "no trump." That's fine. After all, "no trump" is as good as it gets: in bridge and in life.

    There has to be some changes.

    But, and I don't play a ton of cards at all, ever (although I'll beat anybody you know and their superior associate in Gin Rummy), terms like "dumping" and all that already have meanings in card games or adjacent games.

    No, I'm not going on to any bridge forums to see what's what, but there has to be a solution.

  39. #589
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    I guess this is funny, in a sort of .... Jerry Lewis sort of way.

    Finally broke down and went to a brand-new alternate pipe/tobacconist store (they're really more cigars, but whatever: they're not a new business, but have been around forever).

    Yes, I'm still boycotting the dominant local small "chain," because of having been insulted more than once by some little skateboarder who works there (yes, it's all in my yelp review!).

    This place was OK. The owner/shopkeep was kind of a surly dude with a shitty attitude, but he did give me some practical advice when I mentioned I was thinking about switching from a bent-stem briar to a straight-stem. They didn't have a great many pipes, but I found a good one.

    Got about three ounces of a blend called "Black Coffee" which is nice, while I'm breaking in the pipe, got a spare little pipe tool (just a little folding doo-hickey with a stick, a spoon, and a tamper), and a new jet lighter (butane torch) angled for pipe lighting......

    I do have one of the Zippo butane/torch inserts, which worked well for a while.....I have a bad touch with torch lighters. I know how to bleed them of air, and I have quality Zippo brand butane (not the liquid, but the compressed butane), which maybe not as refined as Colibri brand, but it's still better than Ronson, I think.

    Well that wasn't much of a story, not even a funny one.

    Oh well. Never look back.

  40. #590
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    Me: "That was all just a mess. I think I was a little mental yesterday. Maybe we can agree to just...whatever. If I see you around, that's fine, not into passive-aggressively ignoring you. But I'm having trouble dealing with emotions right now, so let's agree to be cool and that'll be how that story ends. And, no, I'm not going to keep bothering you with endless texts full of my bullshit nonsense. Nobody deserves that!"

    Her final salvo: "Yeah think I might quit drinking. Probably won't see you around much. Not angry with you. But I'm not available for all I've been getting from you. You're an intelligent person just perhaps not so much emotionally. It's hard work. I can't help you with that. Please respectfully leave be. I was busy being an idiot on my birthday. And then spent time with my mother for her's to periodically get these low level agro texts. Was kinda real bullshit. Again I'm not mad but am not dealing with it. I've done nothing wrong and won't make excuses or explain myself to you or any fucking one. Please leave me alone. I gotta work and getting these messages aren't doing anything for you. Take care of yourself."

    Does she not understand that we agree about the exact same thing? And that I said it first?

    There are massive blind spots in her "goodbye" to what was in fact already a "goodbye" on my part.

    This doesn't absolve my responsibility for being prolix in texts, however I told her straight that we can chat by e-mail, precisely for the reason that I know random texts can be irritating for people who don't know any better than to live upon their phones. And that e-mail is a perfect solution.

    E-mail is very easy to ignore. Texts, for some people, is too immediate and recipients are too prone to becoming distracted by them.

    Anyway, the "final solution" was mine.

    I think I also "win" in composition, directness, and finality, among this battle of the intellectual giants.

  41. #591
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    And, also, I won.

    That rottencrotch actually showed up to "my" bar sometime earlier this week, with a new hairstyle. And a gaggle of her "posse."

    It happened to be that I was holding court with the owner of the bar, together with three fairly close acquaintances for a number of years. Just chilling and low-key bunch of professional looking people chatting quietly, having some drinks and chatting. Regular crew.

    The best stick in the house (who happened to be a high school friend of one of Janice's neighbors, a mutual friend), who I also have known for a good while, rolled in to make it four regulars plus me, plus the owner, who was just in and out, and asked me for a game, and, man, did I play it how she likes it. Miscue on the break. Mark took down two highballs in one stroke, legally called (he wanted to play hillbilly biker's rules "call everything," which is OK with me, instead of real eight ball, call pocket). Fluffed on the one after that.

    I ran five balls using what I knew to be Janice's favorite technique: extremely gentle strokes. Which is actually how I play: some biker "banging" balls all around into their pockets are a bunch of hicks, and I beat them 80% of the time by playing for position on the next. You can see why she liked me.

    Got hung up on the eight, after some fairly difficult, low percentage banks.

    The miscue on the break was really the best thing for me, since it left a dense cluster of balls near the center of the table. Now, I play and practice straight pool, so I'm used to finding and breaking up clusters. Even a very good "straight eight" player doesn't know how to do that, since they're just banging balls into pockets with maximum macho and maximum losing to actual players like me.

    Cheated the pocket on the eight for my win, you know, it was in the jaws of the pocket, so rail, ball pocketed, next rail, then a smooth roll down right where I said it would be. (/* that is a legal shot, and I did call it like that, if only to satisfy the podunk biker's rules bullshit, although it was obvious. it's just called "cheating the pocket" for some reason. no, it's not a difficult shot at all. it's just added insurance to not be that asshole who fouls the cue ball going dead-center into the money ball, which could be lack of speed, or shaved slate, or whatever. it's the only shot one should make, really.. */)

    Also, the manner in which I selected one of the house cues. Demonstrated value by feeling the tips, cursory inspection for true on the cue.

    Just beautiful. Even bought the motherfucker a beer afterwards after he was done practically sucking my dick for how smooth I carried that game. Lot of laughs and high-fives. All that.

    Spent the next twenty minutes talking stock prices, golf, tennis, music like I was having the time of my life.

    Which I was.

    Best revenge is living well.

    Small place, so everyone sees everything. And, to boot, I didn't use my eyeglasses except to see the table when my opponent was playing, so she could see how blind I actually am. Like she didn't exist. Plus, repetitive stress injury in left shoulder, so I had that going for me, which was a nice little addition.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 09 Jul 2021 at 05:50 PM.

  42. #592
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    Well, it's not really all that funny.

    But in the interests of truth-saying, or sooth or whatever.

    Yeah, I'm 100% sober, just pissed off and burning bridges,

    All right. Here's me being mellow:
    https://youtu.be/IKNzhlE6HQ0

    And here's Lisa's neigbhbors:
    https://www.dogmal.com/.../Snarl.../...og-picture.jpg


    Yep. I'm definitely the bad guy in this scenario.

    You know what, Lisa? Your out of control neighbors are 100% your problem.

    Fuck them, and fuck you. At least I follow the goddamned rules, you cunt.

    Don't ever take sides against the family again.

    I'll see you in court, or I'll see you in hell, or I'll see your corpse on a gurney,

    You really shouldn't have taken sides against me and against the family. I can forgive, but that was a mistake on your part.

    In the future, watch your goddamned mouth when you speak to me about business matters.

    Update:

    Fuck you, Lisa, and I hope your liver fails, you fat bitch.

    Don't you ever take that tone with me again.

    Fuck off.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELdnsm-5oq
    Yes, my sister has been on a transplant list for liver. She's 43 and has three sons. No, she's not a dipso or anything, just bad luck.

    Well, she shouldn't have taken sides against me.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 24 Jul 2021 at 09:23 PM.

  43. #593
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    Oh, and it gets better.

    Hey Lisa. You dumb fucking cunt. Why the fuck aren't you dead yet?

    Your best pal neighbors are certainly rooting through your barely fresh remains.

    Remember your best pals, from 7554 a and c, and 7556 unit d, whose word you accept over mine, despite me having been to court over your disgusting cunt of a neighbor's lawsuit.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEzkk03sNoY

    Nobody's going to mourn for you when we pick up a shovel and pitch your fat ass into the hole.

    Next time, think about your words, you fucking cow.

    You're a filthy pig, Lisa, and I wish you were dead.
    I'm starting to think I should probably feel a bit bad about what I said to my sister, but on the other hand, fuck her.

    I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it.

  44. #594
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    No, I did remove my insane tyrades from FB completely, in addition to blocking my sister from FB, Gmail, and text.

    To her credit, she is committed to not allowing spurious, retaliatory complains to affect my relationship with the HOA, who may be in their rights to unilaterally evict me.

    Fortunately, she has legal counsel and is willing to fight in court. And equally fortunately, I have complete records, including audio recordings, of this and numerous other actions by the scofflaw would-be complainants.

    Credibility on the part of these complainants is, I would think, much diminished by their recorded, documented violation of HOA bylaws, including keeping non-ADA dogs, which are unambiguously prohibited.

    There is no standard of evidence or proof on the part of the HOA, which is a problem which rises to the level of harrassment, in some jurisdictions, and plain bullying in the vernacular parlance of our times.

    If any action comes from spurious complaints, this is going to civil court, with the full support of my sister's legal counsel.

    Given that she was denied a liver transplant a month ago, having been on a donor list for five months, due to the likelihood that her condition can be managed for at least several years with diet and many, many medications, in addition to having her eldest son with tetralogy of Fallot with pulmonary atresia and will be due for another valve transplant (his third), with a brain tumor, there's simply no question I'm outraged on her behalf as well as my own.

    It's time for professional remedies, which I'm happy she recognizes and am convinced both parties (me, as part owner, and her, as part owner) will prevail.
    Last edited by Jizzelbin; 26 Jul 2021 at 11:03 PM.

  45. #595
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    Actually, this is ridiculous, but I am incensed. Not in the RCC sense.

    See, I'm rewatching the recent movie *Nobody* for the second time.

    No, I'm not timid, and I don't have a family, so I've nothing to lose.

    The most is a pinched nerve in my left shoulder combined with RSI in the same. It is painful, between doses of 800mg ibuprofen 3x quod diem. For about eighteenth months. 3x qd. Trying to taper off, but I find if I miss a bolus it catches up.

  46. #596
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    No, I fixed the little issue with above.

    I think I had the ... one of ... the worst moments of my darker angel, when after having an otherwise decent bartender cancel my jukebox order, I took my CC slip, crossed out my 75% tip, and wrote in zero for the tip.

    Zero percent.

    I was there for like four hours after work and she was, for once (for being a n00b) pretty good.

    I've tried to time it so I never am there when she is tending bar, but apparently I have a new good reason to avoid her.

    She's new, but taking a Bic pen, scratching out my tip, which, as I said, was ample, probably would rub her the wrong way. And, taking a picture on my phone of my amended submission in her full view.

    Aw gawd, it's always something.

    But you never fuck with a man's jukebox playlist!

    Just can't be done!

    Yeah, I know, she's not going to starve or whatever because of an extra ten or twenty bucks, but it's the insult that counts.

    And I do think scratching out my tip, initialling it, and taking a photo of it if I have to dispute it counts as an insult.

  47. #597
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    Is this a forum thread, or a blog? Either way, it's a hell of a ride. Shine on!

  48. #598
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    Seems like a blog, I guess.

    My virile essence has consumed the thread.

    Words overheard two weeks ago at a local bar, by a guy playing video poker: "Fuck you motherfucker, you will die!" To the machine.

    That was a good laugh to the barflies: everybody seemed to know him, as a generally humorous weed smoker.

  49. #599
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    Here's a funny one, I guess.

    So, I guess it was last Thursday (of last week, numbnuts!) and my task was this utterly stupid thing of securing raincovers on moveable carts, since, apparently, rain and stuff.

    Yeah, so whatever. If they want to pay full medical, dental, vision and have me do this bullshit, whatever. I don't care.

    So, it's a little bit tricky to fit the raincovers over the carts off of which the van drivers have to load out in fifteen minutes or less, after which we get on the megaphone and have to say "Fucking find a hole and use it, you lazy bastards!" More or less.

    Anyway, so I was doing this and this older dude said his "hello!" to my as he does and asked if I needed a hand. Of course, I say, "Yeah! This thing is caught in the corner, and do you mind grabbing that end!"

    **ANYWAY** So, he helped save me thirty seconds or so, nice guy, I've known him for at least a few months just in passing.

    He says as I thank him for his help, "Can you give me a hug?"

    Well, of course! I mean, so I give him a good hug, pat him on the back and tell him he's a good guy and all that.

    That's the kind of shit that could get me fired, though!

    OTOH, what kind of animal would say "No, I'm sorry, you are allowed no hugs today, you turd."

    No, I'm not worried about getting canned, but it seemed to me almost pathetic, in the sense of pathos: maybe he really did need or want a hug. Older guy, you know, late 60s at least. Maybe doesn't have much or any family or close friends.

    Both a bit sad, but also uplifting that it's possible for distant acquaintances to provide such a simple gesture.

  50. #600
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    Awww.

    Little Janice has started to figure out that (i) I do the exact thing every day after work (ii) I know absolutely everyone in the bar (iii) I'm not changing my routine just because of her.

    And I suppose it was her little gesture of recognition that in addition to her usual "What do you want dude?" she actually asked "How ya doin?" today. You know, like an actual person! My response was typical for this day, namely, "Eh."

    No, no way in hell would I ever get involved with her again, but she and I could end up being OK bar-acquaintances/friends, which is all I ever was after in the first place.

    So, we mutually tolerate each other. Which is fine. Even for a hardcore introvert like me, I recognize humans are a social creature. While drinking alcohol is not ideal for one's various states of health, it's a trade-off for maintaining a psychological state of equilibrium.

    I got to say, she does have absolutely beautiful eyes, but that is not the game I'm going after. Never. Not in a million years. I'm sure plenty of my man acquaintances have great eyes, too: so what?

    Nothing to get excited about!

    /* edit: I will say, she could be a very rewarding romantic partner, but I don't trust her, on the one hand, and I think she has terrible taste in general, on the other hand. And, I just can't have either of those flaws in my woman, end of story. */

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