The minor lifehacks thread OMINBUS!

[Jizzelbin]

Yeah so it's omnibus, so like dig in. Lifehacks -- I think that's a thing or whatever. Life-twerks, cracked.com DVD, SUV, HDTV, whatever you people say.

Yeah, so like why doesn't EVERYBODY wear earplugs EVERYWHERE???? This is fucking awesome! I'm not adding to my already shitty hearing damage and trivializing music I actually like by pretending "it's the soundtrack to my life, man!"

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but this just fucking rules! Like everything is way more mellow, I can hear myself talk to myself think, nothing bothers me, and I can probably hear like emergency vehicles or whatever.

AND I haven't had a chance, but if some yokel or a campus security or something tries to talk to me, I can do that sign for "deaf" an ASL-knowing friend taught me (but also the gas station kid from *Out of the Past* did it). And then laugh it off as a joke if they were serious or something.

AND ANOTHER GOOD ONE!!!! Rolling eyes at random people who are all annoying and shit. See, it's totally mellow and people are just kind of like "ok, I get it, stepping off now, sir!" Plus, non-verbal communication is kind of like, less effort.

[Jizzelbin]

Still not sure these are discreet enough. I guess whoever made these earplugs crayola "flesh" color probably had it mind that pasty white-orange children would wear them to concerts or something. Better than the bright orange color, not quite as cool as the purple color (orange and purple seem to be the two big colors at Fome Depot), but better to be unseen and unnoticed, at all times, like a psychotic night stalker killer assassin master heist gentleman bandit.

Eh, but maybe just plunking down for some nice Remington shooting cans. That's a thing, right? Like a fashion thing? Kind of Hunter S Thompson retro screw you hippies or I'll quickdraw your ass totally packing yeah punks!

Well, maybe not that part. That's a bit utilikilt, bulging fishing-vest for me to pull off.

But I think that's a thing.

[Jizzelbin]

OK, well got a chance to try out my one cool "deaf" thing. Some "retired homeless Air Force vet" who was like 30, or whatever. Just made him talk louder. But I gave him good eye contact, therefore I made his day. Sturdy beggars should go back home....to 16th Century Tudor England.

I think, but am not sure, I said something like "Naw, dude, I'm good."

These earplugs are fucking chill. I am the king of the night! I am taking back the streets! Yeah!

[Jizzelbin]

2x post.

That sucks!

[Jizzelbin]

Oh, and at the great risk of piling on more .... bullshit.

Yeah, so here's a thought. I was just talking to this dude I know for a few minutes IRL and for some reason I did this like two sentence thing -- a Webern-sized masterpiece of concision about how like blah blah so "like taking tests suck." His face kind of drops, and I say the elephant in the room. "Wow, I mean, that was kind of like a bummer, what I just said."

His response was perfect. Just kind of turned away from me, and said, "Yeah, man."

I did salvage somewhat by starting a new "thread" of conversation about something IRL...oh yeah, I told him my same little story I told you guys about the earplugs and the Air Force retired homeless millionaire widower whatever.

But, yeah, that was a weird meta-moment for me, because my head was kind of here, also, and, being a tool-using tool, I kind of went like...." oh, so, there's online analogs to what people do in real life."

Still not sure how I feel about that, so if you all think I'm an asshole or whatever, fine, but that is straight up what just happened.

FWIW, my lifehack project is try to figure out or accept that, since I no longer go out to "party" or whatever, this, right here, kind of IS my social life -- a big part of it, anyway. I'm sorry that Elendil's Heir didn't think my joke somewhere else was funny, and I truly am, because I think you guys are pretty damned mellow and I feel proud to be allowed to come here and say some hopefully amusing things sometimes. My kind of people. Maybe I just need to accept that I can take something virtual seriously sometimes.

So that's a good lifehack or whatever, I guess.

And if I had known that there was a long-time poster who actually *had* an assneck, I never would have made that joke.

[Jizzelbin]

oh dude another 2x post?

well, at least i saw and corrected.

[Jizzelbin]

Here's a weird one.

I don't know where I got it into my head that it's okay to flip people off to their faces, but I still am not sure there's anything wrong with it.

Not for no reason, but if someone's a dick, and you don't give a shit if they know it, and you're not particularly scared of them or wasted drunk or something, it seems like an appropriate response.

Pretty sure it's not illegal, anyway, and only has the societal benefit of letting various offensive people know it's about time to wake up and stop fucking with people.

Two feet away from this cunt who locked this door outside of where I'm sitting, though, to this cunt and her assnecked boyfriend, who probably could kick my ass, I guess, if he wanted to. Twice.

Odd, it kind of raised my pulse rate ten minutes later, though. Probably getting soft, or had too much coffee.

Since there's no reason to not continue confronting assholes -- no reason I care about, anyway -- I think that's a lifehack some others might consider, but not me.

[Jizzelbin]

Solution: pretend so-called "people" are just like the assholes driving around like maniacs, flip 'em off, forget about it, and keep a song in your heart. And if they don't like it, well, they can get pissed off, or whatever, that's not my problem.

Blood pressure only gets high when laughter is dead.

Lifehack: daily affirmation in the mirror: "Remember, big guy, there are two classes of things in the world: my problem, and fuck you."

[Jizzelbin]

Oh, downside to the earplugs. Crowded train today, whatever, so that's pretty good.

But getting off the train, you know, "Excuse me, pardon me, coming through" with a wink and a smile and some inadvertent mashing and "Hey, baby, I'll see you later! Call me!" Well, no, but just usual, be polite, but firm, and don't dilly-dally getting off so that people can get on the train.

But I think I accidentally said a little too loudly, "Thanks, rain man" to some dude or group of people who were just kind of there, I don't know what, jerking off or whatever. See, but how would you know? It's quiet to me!

But I redeemed myself to the masses when, passing one of those political people just off the train who tries to shake your hand and whatever, with the finger point-fake-shooting a gun at her with a little half-grin. She said to her little buddy "That was the coolest response I got today!" See I could hear that.

See, making the world better, one step at a time.

[Jizzelbin]

Dear Ann Lipton Flanders Kristofferson at the Daily Sun Planet,

I am kind of tired of being a prematurely-aged old man with that old-man disease that midgets and people get.

Nah, fuck it, besides it keeps me from spraying automatic weapon fire indiscriminately into a crowd, which would be kind of funny, for a few seconds, until you think about it. Maybe just the hobo children. Get them.

Random spasmodic halting anger is OK, anyway. It's a creative fire that you can use. To destroy enemies. Euthanize the grab-assers and puling little children. Yeah, it's pretty good.

Also, chow my root, this thread is OMNIBUS!!!!!!

No respecting thread title assnecked motherfuckers.

[Jizzelbin]

New decision. I only had to flip off three assneck mother fuckers driving when I had the light a little close to me. And one pointing at a car almost didn't stop. And one scowl at some bitch over the line. And one slow head shake with eye contact at some assneck punk skateboarder watching me do some stuff.

Yeah, so I don't think the flip off -- standard practice, because that's just what you do -- is causing people to be so upset that they stroke out and have a heart attack and die, or if they're sensitive, kill their families and themselves, because the world is better without them.

So, better is to take out phone and take a picture.

I have a feeling that will really get my point across. Assneck metrosexual middle-age soccer mom hobo tramp fuckers.

The slow head shake stays, though.

Still haven't gotten to try my new idea, which is if someone in an authority position tries to yammer on about something "erm, you can't do that, you should recycle," or whatever stupid shit ass monkeys talk about, is just to calmly reach in my breast pocket, put in the ear plugs, and just let them spin themselves out. That seems like a good response. Probably work for pigs too.

[Jizzelbin]

I wonder if anyone else has tried what I always forget to do -- if some moron gives you some static and they're completely wrong, just go on having a conversation, extremely polite, pleasant facial expression, but completely orthogonal responses to what they're saying.

"We just ask that you please not smoke your pipe on these benches -- these are hundred year old benches."

"Oh, I completely agree." (puffs on bowl to keep it going)

"Thank you, but you see, you're still doing it."

"I know, I don't know how to get cat hair off a sweater either."

That would be good for one of those county sheriffs on jerk-off duty at some park or something.

Trust me, there is not one thing those pigs can stick me with, ever. It's just funny to see how much of a joke you can make at someone's expense.

That one hasn't come up, though.

related, but NOT the same as obliquely making fun of someone, like some bitch giving me static about pipe smoking in a park. "Oh, I know, allergies ARE terrible." "bleh bleh" "I know, do you have hayfever too?" "bleh bleh bleh" "Well, if I were you, I'd probably think about having that checked out." Silence..................some other guy next to me was having a hard time not laughing, and failed, but I don't think she ever caught on.

No, this is different, not even pretending to have a conversation about anything at all, but still talking and responding with correct body language and intonation.

[Jizzelbin]

"My mom would be a good one to ask for that."

"pule blah blech bjork"

"I really should call her soon. Always seems too long."

"bleh bleh i'm a dumbass with a fake badge mall cop"

"I know, plus, they really seem happy, you know?"

"fuck you kid....I'm leaving, unless you want the Amadoul Diallo treatment....."

Maybe not cops, but bus drivers, transit police, random bitchmen who think just because they put up a sign on their door saying "No smoking within ten feet" that means something (hint, if they ask nicely, people might (a) respect them and (b) do them a favor to be nice as well)...who else. I don't know, but a whole group of people like that who are apt to give idiotic static that should be regularly ignored.

[Jizzelbin]

Have only put this in action today, once, but instead of turning your back to someone at a marked crosswalk over two lanes who is being "nice" and letting you walk (because I'll walk when I feel like it, not because some white piece of shit throws me a scrap), the better non-verbal signal is to do the universal symbol for "go ahead," but do it like you're scraping a turd off of a table with the fingertips.

Expresses contempt better, while also being sort of polite.

[Jizzelbin]

Take note, children. This will improve your life.

Just got back after a fun morning with my nephews and their grandparents at a farmer's market and then got roped into carrying a bunch of bags of cement that was left in the rain and turned into very heavy unfun things to carry to some dumpster.

So, yeah, big momma gave me a lift back to my place, and decided to stop off at the group home, and this guy who I don't like was walking in same time as me. Instead of my usual "Hi, Ralph" said as dismissively and sarcastically as possible, I had a flash of genius, when he was about 1.5 seconds and 7 feet later.

THE PIG SNORT!

Yes, that's a fun one. I'm keeping it in my repertoire. Good for young and old, fun for a girl and a boy.

[Elendil's Heir]

My sister's laugh sometimes sounds like a pig snort. She can get a little self-conscious about it.

[Jizzelbin]

Hey, more than one strange woman (well more someone I'd been hanging with in a social situation, but not a friend or anything) has said it's "cute" when I snort when I laugh. Well, one said "You snorted! That's so cute!" and the other just kind of laughed and smiled and said "Did you just snort? That's adorable!" (No, I don't snort all the time -- just when something is really funny and possibly I'm in my cups and uninhibited. )

Don't know why these chickies thought it was remarkable. One was some bartender I asked out and failed once -- apparently she doesn't hold a grudge. But I do against her -- because I've seen some of the guys she's dated or at least been on a date with, and they're ridiculous, so I have no respect for her. I guess I seem kind of serious and somber most of the time, when in fact they don't know that all I really like to do is laugh, snort, fart, and drink beer. Scholarly mien hell with it.

[Elendil's Heir]

My sister can also touch the tip of her nose with her tongue, knows everything there is to know about Gone with the Wind (book and movie), and is as freckly as anyone I know. She's an interesting person in all sorts of ways.

[Jizzelbin]

uh.................

......

ok

ok fine.

(a) does yr sistersnik have income and

(b) does she like awesome people like me who can

(c) leach off her while simulataneously flirting in an awesome non-burt-reynolds-way with anything thtat moves

because if so...she should call me.

trust me. i'm a good like that, and i pledge to never be dishonest, well u already know, i think i'm incapable of lying but also merciless against liars LIKE YOU MOTHERFUCKER UY DONT ABE A SISTER BRINGHER TOI ME! TRIBUTE! INWANT YRSISTER!

[Elendil's Heir]

She's married and, without even having met you in person, I suspect you're... not her type. Sorry.

[Jizzelbin]

Not her type? What is this all bullshit? Well, OK, the whole married thing, but I am a minister of the Universal Life Church and have performed two marriages, legally, and stuff. But, since ur teh movie buff, I still always like Bob Mitchum in *Cape Fear*, saying to the waitress, "[I see a ring on your finger.] Does that mean something to you. --Yeah it means plenty."

Since I know everything about women there is to know because I am a master secret spy pool alcohol awesome, I know I can totally get with your sister.

But not so much the freckles. Being not liking the sunburn, I need yin to my yang or maybe vice versa or whichever.

[Jizzelbin]

I might have done a bad. So this nice looking woman in stretchy pants was passing me by and I said "looking good, mama!"

I don't normally do that, but I guess I was feeling frisky since I was apparently drunken or whatever all weekend.

And she was like a real person, who didn't get all hurt in the rosette, just kept walking and maybe I'm crazy (and/or something else, don't care), I think she added a little extra wiggle.

See because I wasn't crass and I said a nice thing about her.

So it turns out we crossed the same street same direction (because I am a gentleman and don't want women to be afraid because less sexy treats for me I actually crossed the street from her which was where I was going eventually anyway) and as luck had it, there was some construction stuff. They didn't have the full scaffolding up, but stil like a serious project.


Yeah she got some mild approbation.

It was like totally a bro moment, because I already did it, and then they did it, and then I non-verbally made some gestures to make them laugh and then they laughed and then.



etawell i redeemed myself in the ledger of being a raging dick when some gang of white assholes walked by, trailed by an old dude and a younger dude wearing expensive "tactical" raingear, like these faggots do, by saying ostensibly to myself sotto voce, "hyeh, look at those faggots." They heard me. Keep on walking, pud-puller. And then give me the women! All of them!


No, she's gone.

goddammit i wrote more but it got lost

[Jizzelbin]

Hey it all evens out. Most recently saw this dude I hate (well kind of dislike, I gues) swimming in the communal pool so I say "Hey Ralph! Nice face!" But ten minutes earlier a sweet old lady was not having much joy getting some services in the outside can place, so I saw she was all pissed off so I went back in and told that sgtupid tweaker to get his nut on and help her. She said "Oh well youmust ave the voice of authority!" Damn right. AND I looked back@100 and 200m and sure as shit the buttfucker tweaker actually came outside like I told them too.

An d i am the boss of race relations because I sat on the inside seat between like four black peoples and said "I'm sitting there, because you'e old" and that got a funny laugh. i knew the black chick from the bus stop because i was the only one not afraid to sit next to herand share some jokes.

i win shut it

[Jizzelbin]

you know i don't even hate white people -- they just aren't accustomed to being around people who aren't as lame. well, so maybe it is going to be better in the future as even the lamest twink whitemotherfuckers can't bury their heads in the sad and can just get some fucking perspective.

also hipsters are douches.

that is all.