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Thread: Russell Stover: a box full of lies

  1. #1
    Elephant terrifel's avatar
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    Default Russell Stover: a box full of lies

    Due to various holiday-related circumstances, I found myself the designated recipient of a box of Russell Stover candy. For those unfamiliar with the name, Russell Stover is the most popular brand of drugstore chocolate sold in America. If a drugstore or supermarket has any brand of gift chocolates, it is Russell Stover. This particular assortment is the one-pound box of "All Milk" chocolates.

    On the lid, above the brand name, is the slogan: "Handcrafted in Small Batches."

    Now, there is lying, and there is bullshit. And then there is advertising. And then there is bullshit advertising. But I believe Russell Stover may have invented an entirely new category here. This is uncharted territory. It's as though McDonalds were to start advertising their product as "homemade."

    Once again, Russell Stover is the most popular brand of gift chocolates in America. Their product can be found in hundreds of thousands of stores across the continent. So there is no way in hell that their chocolates are "handcrafted in small batches," in any sense in which that statement could possibly be true. The only hand labor in the Russell Stover factories is when they make a child worker crawl into the machinery to unclog a malfunctioning nougat injector.

    Why, Russell Stover? Why this colossal, obviously transparent lie? Do you imagine that in some small way, it will help you attract more sales? Surely you must realize that you already have a total monopoly on the potential customer base for your product: people in urgent need of a token gift because they were too forgetful, lazy or uncaring to get a better one.

    The slogan is printed really small, too; like, almost legal disclaimer-size font. The package designer may have been obliged to include the slogan on the box, but at least they had the decency to feel a modicum of shame about it.

  2. #2
    Oliphaunt Rube E. Tewesday's avatar
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    That's hilarious. I'm trying to imagine someone rolling a Russell Stover around their mouth, going "Mmm, you can really taste that hand crafted quality."

  3. #3
    Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo What Exit?'s avatar
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    Russell Stover is pretty crappy chocolate. How did they ever get so popular?

  4. #4
    Elephant terrifel's avatar
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    Well, as I said, they do fill a niche, and a useful one: gifts from people who don't care.

    Sometimes a gift is necessary to meet a social obligation, and the situation demands something more tangible than a card or check. Chocolates are suitably material, and Russell Stover is available everywhere. Problem solved, with a minimum of thought or effort. This is a valuable service for many, many people.

  5. #5
    Member Elendil's Heir's avatar
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    "Handcrafted in small batches"? Yeesh. Reminds me of my favorite line from The White House Mess by Christopher Buckley, in which the protagonist, a much-put-upon White House staffer, says in reaction to a coworker's whopper of a falsehood, "That's not even a tissue of lies. That's... that's... that's an industrial broadloom carpet of lies."

  6. #6
    Elen síla lumenn' omentielvo What Exit?'s avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by terrifel View post
    Well, as I said, they do fill a niche, and a useful one: gifts from people who don't care.

    Sometimes a gift is necessary to meet a social obligation, and the situation demands something more tangible than a card or check. Chocolates are suitably material, and Russell Stover is available everywhere. Problem solved, with a minimum of thought or effort. This is a valuable service for many, many people.
    True, just seems amazing that such a niche business model has made them #1.

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