Finish my sentence!

[Jizzelbin]

became unhinged upon receiving my induction haircut.

When I participated in my first "blanket party," I dropped ___________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

a line to my mom the next day saying that everything was just great at boot camp... but deep down I hated myself.

My dog is convinced that he ______________________

[Jizzelbin]

tells me secret commands in the form of various klaxons.

The only thing better than drinking 0.0% ABV "hop water" at a bar is ________________________________.

[Elendil's Heir]

enjoying a glass of just about kind of halfway-decent hard liquor.

As I'm listening to the klaxons for my dog's latest secret commands, naturally I'm wondering ______________

[Jizzelbin]

how long until the dog starts pulling its pud in perfect time.

You know, a Werewolf of London may have had perfect hair, but it never did quite __________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

reach the top of the pop charts on either side of the pond.

I'd meant to mow the lawn today, but then I hurt my finger and then it rained, so _______________

[Jizzelbin]

since it offended me, I cut it off.

The best thing to do when one loses the top button of a wool blazer is to ______________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

wail loudly, whip yourself in mortification and, of course, promptly offer up a human sacrifice to the Wool Blazer God.

I've been looking around here for a Church of the Itchy Yet Magnificent Wool Blazer God for months, but my Great Aunt Edna just told me, "_____________________"

[Jizzelbin]

Be a man! Create your own Church of Menswear! Rub vanilla behind your ears and you'll smell like cookies all day!

The worst part, as my beloved Pater omnipotentem said, of commuting as a passenger in someone else's car, is not minding that _____________________________.

[Elendil's Heir]

the driver clips her toenails while traveling through construction zones at over 90 mph.

Boston drivers are notoriously aggressive and inconsiderate; I would even call them ________________________________

[Jizzelbin]

Redsox fans.

Those higher pursuits in life claimed by Deputy Marshall Sam McCloud include _____________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

competitive Parcheesi, water skiing, Tibetan sex rituals and correctly spelling "Marshal" with only one L.

Those who insist on correct spelling on the Internet really should be ___________

[Jizzelbin]

awarded a grand prize for also remembering how to spell "sheriff."

Deputy Marshal Sam McCloud deserves a medal for all he'd done for _________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

Seventies men's fashion, popularizing cowboy hats as stylish urban headwear and all.

The next time I wear a cowboy hat, lemme tell ya, pilgrim, I'll be _______________

[Jizzelbin]

saying "There ya go!"

When the Chief starts getting a burr under his saddle, well, I'll be dipped if I don't just go _______________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

see if Miss Nelly down at the saloon don't want a roll in the hay - just to pass the time, mind ya, until the Chief's in a mite better mood.

[Jizzelbin]

And then, in another page, Iliza Schlesinger came and presented herself to the rugged man as while she, unbeknowst to him, picked _________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

out the six most promising rums from all of those presented for her consideration by the Slovenian bartender.

However, the Slovenian bartender, unbeknownst to her, was actually _______________

[Jizzelbin]

a handy technician who competently installed the state-mandated ignition interlock device.

However, the gal at the cash register not only had captivating dark eyes, she _______________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

could juggle up to nine tennis balls at the same time while singing "Tubthumping," winning her a place on Blawnox's Got Talent!

The last time I saw that show, as I told future Sen. John Fetterman (D-Penna.), I just had to _______________________

[Jizzelbin]

exlaim "My word! That's future Sen. John Fetterman! He is a member of the Democratic Party, and he's likely not from Bucks County!"

The last time a future senator tried to blow and go, he _______________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

got caught by the County Sheriff, who did not look at all pleased.

But that was OK, because the future senator, in addition to being nine feet tall and possessing the truly remarkable power to transmute base alloys into gold, also _________________

[Jizzelbin]

is known to have been the inventor of and creator of the prototype of the infamous "steely dan" sex toy.

This modern-day Buckaroo Bonzai, polymath extraordinaire, once wrote in his lab journal that "Ideas of various sorts may sometimes emerge fully formed within our dreams, but the real mettle of this cauldron of creativity is to be found in ____________________________."

[Elendil's Heir]

the cooing praise of the leggy supermodels to whom one shows one's lab journal."

Chuck Norris, Albert Einstein, JFK and Buckaroo Banzai, if they were all rolled together, had nothing on this future senator, whose previously-undisclosed name, I may now finally tell you, was ________________

[Jizzelbin]

...there was no monster!

Ever since film "legend" Bill Rebane "directed" the "movie" Monster A-Go-Go, telephones have been _______________________

[Elendil's Heir]

ringing, uh, whatever the opposite is of "off their hooks."

If Bill Rebane had directed Saving Private Ryan, the Tom Hanks character would probably have _____________

[Jizzelbin]

worn a glorious, stained back brace.

The thing about Bill Rebane most people don't know is that he's Wisconsin's most _______________________

[Elendil's Heir]

accomplished nose flutist, having won international awards on at least half an occasion.

After Bill Rebane, my favorite celebrity nose flutist probably has to be (and this will surprise most people) __________________________

[Jizzelbin]

Weird Al Yankovic, who is a credit to his race.

Whenever Weird Al unscrews his pool cue and opens his case, he __________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

can be sure that he will not be mistaken for Jackie Gleason.

I have to drive downstate tomorrow to meet my Great Aunt Edna; I'll be sure to take along ________________

[Jizzelbin]

my cherished Bengals sweatshirt and hat, so as to avoid being beaten savagely.

The last time someone said "Fuck Buffalo, they should be driven into a ravine" I immediately retorted ____________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

, in utter seriousness, "There's no ravine deep enough for that band of losers, reprobates, idjits and Campfire Girls."

You may think those sentiments are unduly harsh, but I assure you, ___________________.

[Jizzelbin]

at least one of my fellow associates did not divulge that another was "placing a sizeable wager on the Browns" in the toilet, to explain his absence from the launchpad/drivelane when I gave the order to prepare for exit.

Uncle Meat may have never seen a no-hitter, much less in a minor league game, but Aunt ____________________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

Edna - my Great Aunt Edna, that is - had seen at least six by the autumn of 1947.

The next year, when President Truman was elected to the surprise of many, Uncle Meat said, "___________

[Jizzelbin]

well, hell, there goes what could have been a damned fine whorehouse piano player."

Uncle Meat thinks very little of the Liberty Creek line of wines, however _____________________

[Elendil's Heir]

, he'll guzzle a bottle or three of them without too much griping if there's nothing better available.

Now that winter truly seems behind us, I intend to _________________

[Jizzelbin]

fully invest myself into wearing shorts where possible.

The problem with becoming "man who wears shorts always" is that the little __________________________

[Elendil's Heir]

kids around the neighborhood keep trying to take selfies with me.

That's ok, though, because I know that deep down, they ___________________________