My pretend Twitter thread. (Mostly to keep my post count ahead of Sarahfeena's)

[Oliveloaf]

Ah, lunch. It's like snack time, only bigger.

[Oliveloaf]

If it matters, that wasn't a booger.

[Oliveloaf]

I just completely pissed no-handed. High five!

[Oliveloaf]

Remember the Wendy's "Super Bar" salad bar? Super my ass.

[Oliveloaf]

You know what would easily survive a government crash test? Serena William's ass.

[Oliveloaf]

Dogs seem to put more effort into puking than most humans.

[Oliveloaf]

Probably could have something today.

[Oliveloaf]

Whoa! The left and right arrows on my Tivo remote do stuff!

[Oliveloaf]

LeBron James looks like a morning breath kind of guy.

[Oliveloaf]

The job I want for the pay I want? Clerk at 7-11. $250K. Oh, with free fountain drinks.

[Oliveloaf]

Dude,

I am so sorry about your bathroom, and the cat.

[Oliveloaf]

Wow. I owe that chair an apology.

[Oliveloaf]

Sure man walked on the moon, bid deal. Now swim on the moon. Huh? There's a challenge.

[Oliveloaf]

I still like ash trays. I don't smoke, but I burn a lot of little stuff.

[Oliveloaf]

If I did smoke, I think I'd smoke unfiltered Chesterfields. That or some esoteric brand you can only get by mail.

[Oliveloaf]

Oh man, why are my hands all greasy?

[Oliveloaf]

Wakka wakka woo, wakka woo, wakka woo.

[Oliveloaf]

I take it back, Laverne and Shirley was pretty funny.

[Oliveloaf]

All I wanted was a large Diet Pepsi. Now I gotta walk around with a fucking Green Lantern cup. Idiots.

[Oliveloaf]

My ass hurts.

[Oliveloaf]

Ever notice how Katie Couric always walks like she just wet her pants? Nah, just kidding. I didn't notice it either.

[Oliveloaf]

I bet Robert Deniro would make a better used-car salesman than Al Pacino, but it would be close. They'd both make bonus every month.

[Oliveloaf]

People who refer to their breakfast cereal as "my flakes" should be deported.

[Oliveloaf]

Would Jesus have been a sub or hogie man?

[Oliveloaf]

If you are under 80, and still write checks at the grocery store, you're probably friendless. I bet you have a lot of crocheted throw pillows, too.

[Oliveloaf]

Fuck you, sun. Go heat some other fucking city.

[Oliveloaf]

As a rule, I prefer topical ointments.

[Oliveloaf]

There are places a man just shouldn't shave. Vermont is such a place.

[Oliveloaf]

I wish Sarah Vowel was hot.

[Oliveloaf]

Delta Burke is dead, right? (better safe than sorry.)

[Elendil's Heir]

I don't think so. But I wouldn't be surprised.

Wiki says no: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delta_burke

[Oliveloaf]

Cheese is one of the few things for which a foul odor indicates improved quality. Well, cheese and massage therapists.

[Oliveloaf]

Disney completely shot down my idea for a reality-based petting zoo. First you pet the animals, then you BBQ them. Like Medieval Times, but with butchers instead of knights.

[Oliveloaf]

I don't care what Wiki says, Delta Burke is dead. So is scrap booking.

[Oliveloaf]

It is possible to pee violently.

[Oliveloaf]

The nastiest three-letter word? Probably pus.

[Elendil's Heir]

Disney completely shot down my idea for a reality-based petting zoo....

"When I was a kid my parents ran a petting zoo, but they also had a heavy petting zoo, for people who liked the animals 'way too much." - Ellen DeGeneres

[Oliveloaf]

Spare a quarter? I need it because I want more money.

[Oliveloaf]

Whoa, what? Delta Burke is dead?

[Sarahfeena]

What is my post count, anyway?

ETA: 5,805. I've gotta catch up.

[Sarahfeena]

I should have put that in a separate post. 5,806. I've gotta catch up.

[Oliveloaf]

I am awake now, though not for long. Unless I puke or something.