I am feeling extremely pissed off, angry, lonely, drained, uncertain, afraid, sad, and unsure.
I am pissed off because last night my apartment mate had the audacity to interrupt my movie night. I had a friend over to watch a movie, and was looking forward to some friendly physical contact. Then this guy gets home, and since my guest is a mutual friend, sees it fit to come into my room and proceeds to hang out for the next hour and a half. Of course, he had been drinking and was sloshed enough to be even more oblivious than usual, but I don't get to see this friend very often due to her schedule and so now I am not only mad at my apartment mate but also upset and lonely at the prospect of another long time without physical and emotional support.
I am currently coming up on graduation from undergrad, and that scares me more than anything else right now. As a result I am uncertain, much more irritable, and frequently find myself wasting time playing video games or reading books that have nothing to do with my studies for hours on end when I should be looking for a job or doing homework. The worst part of it is, my apartment mates hate me for my free time, and that hasn't helped the situation one bit. To top it off, I'm not even sure what I want to do after school. I have a couple of options, and there are jobs I'd like to try and apply for, but none of them have the kind of security or even length of employment that i would like to find. I'm considering taking a completely different path and becoming a computer programmer, but I don't have what I think are the necessary skills for that.
I recently celebrated my birthday, and though I had many people wish me well it still fell flat to me. I received two gifts and two cards total. One card was from my grandparents and the other card and both gifts from my three "closest" friends. Only one gift was thoughtful; the other was a bottle of pop. I'm not complaining about the lacking gifts, more pointing to the ones that were expected but weren't there. From my mom I got a text saying happy birthday, and from my dad an afterthought happy birthday wish the next day. The two people who I feel have supported me most and who I feel most connected to couldn't even give me a fucking call on my birthday.
I can't say I blame them though. Their marriage hasn't been going very well and I would be surprised if they even talk to each other more than they have to. I still have three siblings living at home, and one is special needs. I understand that they had tried therapy for a bit, but I don't think it worked. Things got better at home for a short while but then went downhill again. To top that off they've had financial issues for years, and the house is full of boxes and computers that my dad brings home from work. This makes me perpetually worried about my siblings and how they are faring, which distracts me greatly.
I feel very lonely at school these days. A large number of my closest friends graduated last year, and are now off on their own working jobs and raising families. I don't feel like i have a close friend that I can talk to, and it's really starting to wear me down. The friends I do have are never available due to their classes during the day and rehearsals at night, and I end up eating many meals alone and wandering around until I start to do homework.
I'm not enjoying much of what I do these days, and I feel trapped in a place that I'm afraid to leave. I want out, but there's nothing waiting for me out there. I don't know what to do, and I know that if I keep going like this, I'm going to do or say something stupid and lose even the friends I have.
I just want a friend to talk to who can make it all go away.