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Thread: Some lyrics

  1. #1
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Default Some lyrics

    Well, to make up for the completely pointless thread I started in the Lounge, I thought I'd try to contribute something different. Here are some of my lyrics. Praise and constructive criticism welcome!






    Your Fountain

    You don't have to smile
    Or glow like a sunset.
    You can come quiet
    Like a dark, starry blanket.

    Draw the curtains, shed your skin,
    Open up, and let me in.

    You look at me with those eyes,
    And I'm gone.
    You take me to your fountain of secrets.

    you don't have to spin
    On endless rotation.
    We can rejoice in
    Our own celebration.

    Draw the curtains, shed your skin,
    Open up, and let me in.

    You look at me with those eyes,
    And I'm gone.
    You take me to your fountain of secrets.

    And I'll drink, and I'll drink.
    And I'll drink from your fountain of secrets.
    Last edited by Trojan Man; 04 Jun 2010 at 07:51 PM.

  2. #2
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    There's something playful and sexy about them, even though the metaphors are more fanciful than literal.

    Do they have music? Have you recorded or performed this?

    By way of criticism, I'll say that the rhymes of "sunset" and "blanket," and "rotation" and "celebration" seem a little forced. But then again, I'm reading it off a page and holding it to poem standards. Sung, depending on the tune and the delivery, I might never have thought that.
    Last edited by OneCentStamp; 04 Jun 2010 at 08:00 PM.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  3. #3
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    They have music, which adds nuance. I have performed it a few times acoustically, but so far have not had the guts to tell the audience I wrote the song. I've not been able to record it properly yet, for lack of decent recording equipment. I'll upload an .mp3 once it's recorded.

    I like your description, too. Exactly what I was going for. I get what you're saying about the 'forced rhymes', but I think it's worse on paper than it is on the ear. Thanks for the comment!
    Last edited by Trojan Man; 04 Jun 2010 at 08:04 PM.

  4. #4
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Gone
    In the fading light
    Lies told in silence
    the cold wind bites
    me to the bone.

    Sun is going down
    Gone is your magic
    Your magic crown
    your magic throne.

    Gone.

    Do you even care
    Love is left bleeding
    I touched you there
    On your heart of stone.

    I touched you there
    On your heart of stone.

  5. #5
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    An Offspring-type punk song:

    Memory

    Start the clock
    coz here I go
    Spin the wheels
    but don't explode

    Memory is gaining on me
    Memory is gaining on me

    Clear the track
    Run for your lives
    Don't look back
    This race is mine

    Memory is gaining on me
    Memory is gaining on me

    The future in my veins
    But memory is gaining on me
    Memory is gaining on me

    <musical interlude, of sorts>

    Burning up
    and gaining speed
    Can't escape
    my memory

    The future in my veins
    But memory is gaining on me

    The future in my veins
    But memory is gaining on me.

  6. #6
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Scarecrow

    Today, I hang like a scarecrow
    Tomorrow sees more of the same
    Now I'm getting cold
    In the wind and the rain
    With nowhere to go...

    Tonight, staring at the TV
    The emptiness keeps me awake
    Punchlines falling down
    They all sound the same
    Too tired to sleep

    Moonlight inside of you
    Your belladonna eyes,
    Your every disguise
    And your body...

    The clock says a quarter to three
    and all I can see is your face
    And I hear your voice
    Am I going insane?
    Too tired to sleep

    <musical interlude>

    Moonlight inside of you
    Your belladonna eyes,
    Your every disguise
    And your body...

    Today, I hang like a scarecrow
    Tomorrow sees more of the same
    Now I'm getting cold
    In the wind and the rain
    With nowhere to go...

  7. #7
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    The Light In You

    Ghosts of yesteryear
    Whisper in your ear
    Rob you in your sleep
    Haunt you in your dreams

    Taken down a notch
    Pride has taken off
    Left you in the rain
    No-one left to blame

    So spread your wings and fall apart
    Don't be afraid of the dark
    The night is just a shadow
    So fall and I will follow
    Take a breath and close your eyes
    It's been a bumpy ride
    And I know you'll make it through
    Coz I've seen the light in you

    <musical interlude, orchestral-type thing>

    'Oh not this again
    Will it never end?
    What have I done wrong
    To carry this along?'

    Running low on luck
    Now to overcome
    Now to stand your ground
    To turn your luck around

    So spread your wings and fall apart
    Don't be afraid of the dark
    The night is just a shadow
    So fall and I will follow
    Take a breath and close your eyes
    It's been a bumpy ride
    And I know you'll make it through
    Coz I've seen the light in you

  8. #8
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    My attempt at a happy pop song

    Plastic

    Looks like it's gonna rain today
    And when it rains it pours
    You're out in the cold
    Looking over your shoulder
    And they told you that today could be yours

    Did someone say to 'Let it Be'?
    It's all you could have done
    For every mistake
    There's a move you can make
    But it takes a lot when you're on the run

    It's hard to believe in magic
    When all the people are made out of plastic
    Throw your arms around me
    Everything will be alright

    When it's taking everything you have
    To hold your tongue

    When everything you do, it
    Falls apart, it comes undone

    It's hard to believe in magic
    When all the people are made out of plastic
    Throw your arms around me
    Everything will be alright x2

    Everything will be alright

    Na na na na na (muppets style)

  9. #9
    Elephant artifex's avatar
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    As promised...

    I think they're very nice Seriously, I think they're good lyrics. From a cynical marketing standpoint, I think they're the sort of thing that have the potential appeal to a lot of listeners (in the "this song says exactly what I feel!" sense). Does that sound weird? Anyway, they're poetic and evocative without crossing the line into "making no damn sense at all."

    The two things I felt were jarring notes (and again - reading off a page as poetry =|= hearing music):
    1. In "Gone," the line "do you even care." The probability of that line not coming off as overused, petulant, and whiny is low.

    2. In "The Light In You," the fourth verse sticks out. I can see that you're writing it from the POV of the person to whom you're singing, because of the quotation marks. But I can see those because I'm reading, not hearing the lyrics. It might not be as clear to the listener, who might think, "wait, what? I thought you were all positive message man, why are you now talking about your own problems?" Anyway, I think you could strike that verse entirely and make the song's message stronger.

    Hope that helps some

  10. #10
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    (spitz, you asked me offline about choruses; I hope you don't mind that I address it here, since I was going to post a reply here anyway.)

    First of all, I like "Plastic" the best out of the lyrics you've posted here so far. It has a lot of qualities I like in a lyric: it's emotionally immediate and direct; while there are metaphors and images, it doesn't slow down to admire them; and the rhythm is very nice. It already "feels" like a song, and I imagine it was simple hammering this onto some music, if you've done so already. Very nice.

    BTW, If you don't find some way to record and post these songs, even if it's just a cell phone recording of you and an acoustic guitar, I'm going to be forced to assume all the music sounds like the Pussycat Dolls.

    --------------------------------

    As far as the chorus thing goes, first things first: whoever called me a "pro" was being far too kind. I could be charitably called a semi-professional musician who is semi-retired (or fully on hiatus), but I have recorded a half dozen studio albums and played a few hundred shows.

    Lyrically, the only advice I can give for choruses is: simple, simple, simple. It isn't a universal law, and there are plenty of exceptions, but it's a good general principle and it works for me. I like songs with verses that tell a story in several parts, but whose choruses keep reiterating the main theme of the song. Two good examples are Social Distortion's "Ball and Chain" and "Story of My Life" (or really, 99% of SD songs).

    Maybe the best example of what I'm talking about is The Beatles' "Eleanor Rigby." The verses are lush. They have nifty embedded rhymes, they have striking imagery, they tell two separate stories that end up intertwining. Maybe Paul McCartney's best lyric ever. And what's the chorus? It's two lines, two bone simple sentences that barely rhyme. And yet they sew up the theme of the song perfectly. That, to me, is a perfect song lyric.

    "Plastic" and "Memory" both have choruses that I really like. I don't know what happens musically when the choruses hit, but lyrically they are spot on.

    I would supply examples from my own work, but frankly I don't think I'm any better a lyricist than you are.
    Last edited by OneCentStamp; 10 Jun 2010 at 07:49 AM.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  11. #11
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Thanks guys, much food for thought.
    Fex, the 2 songs you mentioned are under revision, which doesn't guarantee I'll change anything, but I definately see where you're coming from.
    OCS, your Pussycat Dolls comment notwithstanding I'll record 'Plastic' ASAP and upload it. It needs backup singers etc, but you'll get the gist, anyway... I'm not familiar with "Eleanor Rigby" so I'll look it up. Do you have any of your lyrics in cyberspace?

  12. #12
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Ah, look at all the lonely people

    Eleanor Rigby picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been
    Lives in a dream
    Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door
    Who is it for?

    All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

    Father McKenzie writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear
    No one comes near.
    Look at him working, darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there
    What does he care?

    All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people, where do they all belong?

    Ah, look at all the lonely people
    Ah, look at all the lonely people

    Eleanor Rigby died in the church and was buried along with her name
    Nobody came
    Father McKenzie wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave
    No one was saved

    All the lonely people, where do they all come from?
    All the lonely people, where do they all belong?
    Last edited by OneCentStamp; 11 Jun 2010 at 07:11 PM.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  13. #13
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    OK, here's a song whose lyrics I wrote (and which of course contravenes the tip I gave you, badly)...

    ----------------------------------------

    Exit 27

    If I met her face to face by chance,
    would she break my heart with just one glance,
    leave me cold and empty?

    Repeat for me the words I know by heart,
    watch my defenses come apart,
    leave me drenched and shaking?

    All my stored regrets
    and a lifetime of unpaid debts
    are waiting in her gaze

    If she called today,
    could I look into her eyes and say
    I knew her face?

    She reaches out a hand to touch my hand,
    catches fire and chars me where I stand,
    nothing left but ash and regret.

    She opens her mouth to sing me the song I wrote,
    stops my heart with just one note,
    blows me a kiss and I'm gone.

    I don't want to know
    any more than I already know about
    giving up

    I don't want to know
    any more than I already know about
    cashing in
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  14. #14
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Wow, very melancholy, but not whiny. I think sometimes 'clunky' rhymes work better than perfect nes, like dissonance within a chord. If it was always consonant, it would be boring. Some of the older songwriters, Gershwin etc, were very good at it, but that style grates on me personally. YMMV.

    In light of your fondness for Eleanor Rigby, I thought I'd post my melancholic story lyric:

    Tears of Stone

    A man no longer wants to see
    Secretly knows he'll never be free
    ...trapped where his love used to be

    Her voice a ghost as the cold wind blow
    Rose petals fall and melt like snow
    A haunted man with nowhere else to go

    But to spend his numbered days alone
    Crying tears of stone

    Ocean rolls with a pulse within
    Kept alive under pale blue skin
    Horizon like a curtain made of tin

    In vain, he tries to swim away
    The sun is in his eyes today
    The sea beneath an angry sky of grey

    He knows today is not a home
    Tomorrow's just another clone
    A broken heart will always roam
    Crying tears of stone.

  15. #15
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Here's another navel-gazer

    The One

    Welcome to the temple of trash
    Where broken souls are traded for cash
    No time to wipe your feet
    Just come away with me
    We'll find transcendence in a flash

    Desperation pulling me in
    So why not let the party begin
    All hope has disappeared
    Was chased away by fear
    And love has fallen down again

    All or none
    In search of The One

    Here I am with nowhere to run
    Guess I'm just a slave to The One
    I'll take a souvenir
    - another piece of me
    So I can watch it come undone

    All or none
    In search of The One

  16. #16
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    So you didn't have any trouble with the link to the audio for Exit 27? Cool.

    Looking at those last two lyrics (and the others), you use a lot more visual imagery than I do. I like it. A line like "horizon like a curtain made of tin" is unique - I've never heard it anywhere else - yet instantly evocative. I've never felt confident with that kind of simile and metaphor. When I try it, I either go "aw, that's so cliche" or "aw, that's forced and weird."
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  17. #17
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Well, my writing started at a time when I had intense things bottled up, and I couldn't express any of it in conventional language. I needed (mainly) visual things to get my point across. But your lyrics have a 'grounded' quality to them that I struggle with, like Eleanor Rigby. And you do quite well with what you do!

  18. #18
    Oliphaunt Taumpy's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by spitz View post
    My attempt at a happy pop song

    Plastic
    I'm curious what sort of music you're setting this one to, spitz. I'm picturing something XTC-esque from their Oranges & Lemons period. Like Mayor of Simpleton.
    Taumpy: Oh noes, you aren't a super powerful wave of destruction.
    Panther Squad: It's true! My scythe does not shorn the biomonsters in great swaths like it ought!

  19. #19
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Quote:
    Originally posted by spitz
    My attempt at a happy pop song

    Plastic

    I'm curious what sort of music you're setting this one to, spitz. I'm picturing something XTC-esque from their Oranges & Lemons period. Like Mayor of Simpleton.
    I conceived it a a cross between Oasis and the Muppets,. If that helps.

  20. #20
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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  21. #21
    Oliphaunt Taumpy's avatar
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    Sounds good, spitzy. The melody fits well with the words, IMO. I think that's a good tempo, too. I was picturing something faster, but I think it works like that.

  22. #22
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by spitz View post
    Thanks for posting, man! A few observations:

    PROS!!!!
    - I really like the chord progression. It's playful and not too straightforward. The 7th (working from memory; I'm not listening to it right now) chord you spike on at the end is unexpected in a Beatlesy way.
    - It definitely suits the mood of the lyrics.
    - I would love to hear this fleshed out with a full band, or even just a piano, bass, or other instrument to give it a little harmonic richness.

    CONS!!!!
    - I don't know whether you were seated and hunched over, or just not singing out because of volume restrictions, but you really could stand to sing out a little more. Your delivery was almost whispery in places.
    - In the middle of each line, it sounds as if you're not exactly sure what the melody should be, and you kind of meander around a little bit down there.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  23. #23
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by OneCentStamp View post
    PROS!!!!
    - I really like the chord progression. It's playful and not too straightforward. The 7th (working from memory; I'm not listening to it right now) chord you spike on at the end is unexpected in a Beatlesy way.
    Listening again now, it's the B to C transition at the end of each verse. Nice stuff.
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  24. #24
    my god, he's full of stars... OneCentStamp's avatar
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    In fact, I'm kind of having fun singing and playing this song at home, but I know I'm getting some of the chords wrong. Would you mind posting what they are?
    "You laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at you because I'm on nitrous."

    find me at Goodreads

  25. #25
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    OK. Verses - E B A E, F#m F#mMajor7 F#m7 B C.

    Chorus - G E Am F C G D sus 4/2

    M8 - (can't remember the chords I used when I recorded it, as I did it in a mad panic, but they're pretty simple. I'm sure you'll get them).

    Plz upload a copy when you get it!

  26. #26
    The Queen Zuul's avatar
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    I'd somehow completely missed this thread when it was first posted.

    Moonlight inside of you
    Your belladonna eyes,
    Your every disguise
    And your body...
    I really like the line about "your belladonna eyes" and the double meaning there of beautiful woman and deadly nightshade.
    So now they are just dirt-covered English people in fur pelts with credit cards.

  27. #27
    like Gandalf in a way Nrblex's avatar
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    spitz, think you could toss us some links to recordings of these? I'd be really curious to hear how they sound, since I don't usually read lyrics before hearing a song.

  28. #28
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by Nrblex View post
    spitz, think you could toss us some links to recordings of these? I'd be really curious to hear how they sound, since I don't usually read lyrics before hearing a song.
    Recording music is a huge hassle for me - poor equipment, noisy house, etc. So if you wanna hear a particular song, I'll record it and put it up. Aggie and Zuul, I haven't forgotten my promise to you both, either.

  29. #29
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    Quote Originally posted by OneCentStamp View post
    Quote Originally posted by spitz View post
    Thanks for posting, man! A few observations:

    PROS!!!!
    - I really like the chord progression. It's playful and not too straightforward. The 7th (working from memory; I'm not listening to it right now) chord you spike on at the end is unexpected in a Beatlesy way.
    - It definitely suits the mood of the lyrics.
    - I would love to hear this fleshed out with a full band, or even just a piano, bass, or other instrument to give it a little harmonic richness.

    CONS!!!!
    - I don't know whether you were seated and hunched over, or just not singing out because of volume restrictions, but you really could stand to sing out a little more. Your delivery was almost whispery in places.
    - In the middle of each line, it sounds as if you're not exactly sure what the melody should be, and you kind of meander around a little bit down there.
    Yeah, I've been sick and stressed out for some time now, which has really affected my singing. It's slowly getting better. I really appreciate your input, OCS.

  30. #30
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    It's been a while, but I've written and recorded another demo: http://www.filedropper.com/drift Really need better recording equipment, but the ideas are there

  31. #31
    Oliphaunt The Original An Gadaí's avatar
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    Linky no worky.

  32. #32
    Mi parolas esperanton malbone Trojan Man's avatar
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    GRRR!! >.<

  33. #33
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