Barnyard Fun: Funny Personal Classifieds

I thought it would be funny to think up the most upsetting "personal ads" -- like for Tinder or whatever the hell people do to sell themselves off like prostitutes.

I guess there could be real ones that are funny also.

I'm kind of tired of this one:

Quote:

---

Cats are magical. Frisky long-tailed Tom looking for a happy feline felicitously washing herself

---

.

Although I still think it would be hilarious for one of those idiots to ask some split tail he's trying to bone if she washes herself.

Quote:

---

I'd like taking you to my sewer because you made it a government thing. Happy Birthday Mrs. President!

---

I got nothing.

So you guys do some. Or else I'll make scabs out of your eyelids with a blowtorch and make you eat them.

For sale. Baby shoes. Never used.

I know they were never used because I stole them out of the mother's shopping bag while she was trying to calm the crying baby.

Quote:

---

My mother encouraged me to create a profile, but I'm doing this without any help. Looking for a kind woman, who is tall, smells good, has dark hair. Must love cats.

---

Doctor has said I'm finally not infectious anymore, and now I'm looking for love. Who's gonna be my lucky lady? Call me!

.

Quote:

---

Tall, tan, young, and lovely is you! Stan Getz looking for his Sandy Dennis! My friend said you reminded me of her! Must like wet beaches, rainy days, and digging for oysters on a fun day!

---

I learned a lot in prison and am eager to share it all with you. Please provide a resume and three references. No fat chicks.

You're a creepy peepy. I'm a yellow chicken who is pink on the inside, moist and delicious. Call Tyson at 555-1212.

I'm a sweet candy treat. For peppermint sparkles in a magical horse. Taste, adventure, explosion.

Some women find three arms and four ears a turn-off, but I know you're not one of them. Take a chance on a unique guy. Call me.

I am Anakin hungry with passion for Natalie Portman. You be Rey, rolled up in a little furry moist ball. Anyone for tennis? shit, that's probably a real one out there somewhere! well, good luck kids!

Another New Year begun, and time to find my next soulmate - my 16th, if I've been counting correctly. Or is the 17th? Well, no matter. One of these days I'm sure to find him. Are you the one? Maybe you are! Let's find out together.

Role-playing enthusiasts look it up! Up from the freezer, me on the outside, looking in. Large women preferred.

Escaped Mexican narcobillionaire looking for a nonjudgmental girl with a sense of adventure and a strong sense of loyalty. Call me and let me show you my own form of "the high life."

Greasy and rusty, Tony Stark seeks perfect Pepper. Must enjoy games and role play.

I love dogs and have a lot of them. I bet you'll love my dogs, too - and I mean LOVE them. You won't mind if I watch, right? I didn't think so. Call me.

My cat likes peanut butter, but dogs are welcome to try. Call Cindi at 555-0123 for a purrfect night.

I think Hitler was a great guy; he was just misunderstood. If you agree, and aren't averse to wearing a Waffen SS uniform tailored for a well-endowed girl, call me, fraulein, and let's conquer the world together!

I'm so sad, so happy, so mad, so scared, and ready to cry. A feather touched me in a dark place.

inspired by an actual post at the Keyboard Magazine forums. Holy shit, people are just awful at saying things. And also at thinking things. It makes me think this thread could provide real-life "helpful hints" to one of these people. I'm going to pee in my mouth a little bit.

Missed Connections:

You: let me tell you about my panties on the westbound commuter. Me: listening to what color you run. Let's go!

Who's up for nonconsensual Barney Miller/Twilight/The Lion King mashup furry cosplay? Thought so. Call me!

Missed Encounters: They say that motherhood makes you fat and more stupid. You might be an exception! Naughty nursing gal on the Bus 666 winked at me on Saturday afternoon.

If Romeo and Juliet taught us anything, it's that suicide pacts are just to die for. If you agree, call me and let's make it happen, my sweet.

You pick, lady faire! I offer authentic baroque virginal fingerings, or a seat at my organ, or the inspection of my volume.