Russell Stover: a box full of lies
Due to various holiday-related circumstances, I found myself the designated recipient of a box of Russell Stover candy. For those unfamiliar with the name, Russell Stover is the most popular brand of drugstore chocolate sold in America. If a drugstore or supermarket has any brand of gift chocolates, it is Russell Stover. This particular assortment is the one-pound box of "All Milk" chocolates.
On the lid, above the brand name, is the slogan: "Handcrafted in Small Batches."
Now, there is lying, and there is bullshit. And then there is advertising. And then there is bullshit advertising. But I believe Russell Stover may have invented an entirely new category here. This is uncharted territory. It's as though McDonalds were to start advertising their product as "homemade."
Once again, Russell Stover is the most popular brand of gift chocolates in America. Their product can be found in hundreds of thousands of stores across the continent. So there is no way in hell that their chocolates are "handcrafted in small batches," in any sense in which that statement could possibly be true. The only hand labor in the Russell Stover factories is when they make a child worker crawl into the machinery to unclog a malfunctioning nougat injector.
Why, Russell Stover? Why this colossal, obviously transparent lie? Do you imagine that in some small way, it will help you attract more sales? Surely you must realize that you already have a total monopoly on the potential customer base for your product: people in urgent need of a token gift because they were too forgetful, lazy or uncaring to get a better one.
The slogan is printed really small, too; like, almost legal disclaimer-size font. The package designer may have been obliged to include the slogan on the box, but at least they had the decency to feel a modicum of shame about it.
