Finish my sentence!

the notion of drowning her in the nearest toilet bowl.

Usually when someone has an annoying laugh, the best action is to _______________________________

try to laugh exactly the same way they do, then stop at the same time, and if they give you a dirty look, say, "What? That's just how I laugh, too."

I'll be visiting the campus of Miskatonic University next week for a seminar, and the first thing I want to do after that is ____________________________

decide if I'm too jetlagged to call up the cheesemonger for a little rendez-vous.

Sleep deprivation, excessive alcohol use, and stress in one's personal life are about equally bad when it comes to ______________________

falling short in pleasing one's bed partner... or partners.

It's not the big white whale and all the nautical jibber-jabber I object to in Melville's Moby-Dick; truth be told, it's the _____________

seamen in the book, on every page, loaded up with filthy, foul-smelling seamen.

When I saw that a new friend responded very positively to me after a day or so, I decided to __________________________________________________ __

diligently and unnervingly stalk her until she made that sweet, sweet first police report.

In all of my dealings with the police, as it happens, I've found that ________________________________________

first I look at the purse.

Some fellas look at the eyes, some fellas look at the nose; some fellas look at the size, but ______________________________________________

none look at a copy of the Farmer's Almanac and say, "S'pose...."

The next time I go to Boston, I'm definitely gonna ____________________________________

think twice before going for a jog and making jokes about being the OG Shoe Bomber.

I have a girl who lives below the hill, but if she ain't make it her __________________________________

brother might force you to drink something he calls wine but what I call swill.

I think I should try to meet someone other than the girl who lives below the hill and her brother; maybe I could ______________________

make a good living as a Yanqui swill-dropping sumbit.

For every woman who is more beautiful up close than at a distance, one would ____________________________

expect to find a dude who is much more handsome when seen from well across the county line.

TNP can name at least five counties in Texas.

And then TNP thought to TNP, "What in hell's tarnation is the blasphemous creation of this obstreperous initialisms, since ain't been no Thomas Nancy Pryce-Waterford round here no parts in half decade."

Still, TNP enjoys being berated for one's housekeeping, cobwebs and such, but one provisos that the berater be _________________________________________

funny and adorable and/or hawt.

TNP thinks dusting is a waste of time. It's just gonna get dusty again anyway, right?

Damn right.

The thing about "nesters" is that they never think about _________________________

whether I want those #$%^&! sparrows building a house under the rain gutter in the first place.

TNP watched the Oscars broadcast last night.

__________ and then I thought to myself, "What? Why the hell would I watch that insipid glam-fest?"

Calling a little gal pal a "disposable trinket" is probably a good idea if ___________________________________

you wanna get kicked right in the 'nads, and hard.

(D'oh! Got the threads mixed up again. Sorry.)

People who can't keep the Mellophant game threads straight really oughta consider _______________________________

self-medication, and hard.

It's frustrating when a woman calls one up and says "I thought we were going to meet up, I thought you wanted to talk," but _____________________________________________

then says she's since made plans to wash her hair and be probed by grey aliens.

When the grey aliens say they come in peace, I always wonder if ______________________

they're coming for my ass.

TNP thinks that, beyond being very "meta," it is meet and right to refuse service to a woman who ___________________________

is called Meta because her parents really deserve it for inflicting such a weird name on her.

I've known two women and one guy named Meta in my life, and all of them _____________________

are completely fictitious, because it's just not a name (Zubin Mehta excepted).


The key to avoiding all contact with a former romantic partner is to, above all, _________________________________________.

move offworld if you can afford it. I hear Vulcan is lovely this time of year, although a trifle warm.

The last time I was on the Klingon homeworld, I nearly _____________________________

accidentally on purpose found myself in Pon farr season, and it was very awkward.

As a result, I found myself a very adept partner in the outer realms, and although she was a female this time, and I was on the rebound, there were certain ________________________________

complications when I realized she was an even bigger Trekker than I was, but no Vulcan.

I really should find out what kind of liquor my boss likes; after this week I'd bet ________________

she'd go to town on my rod, just like a good boss should.

The only thing worse than definitively calling it off with a dame is when _____________________

she wants to stay together and you just can't bring yourself to dump her. Plus she's beautiful, great in the sack and a billionaire.

If someone offered me a billion dollars, I'd probably just laugh and ______________________________

say, "Sure, why not, and qualify me into the Boston Marathon too, and we got a deal."

The problem about qualifying for certain events is that _________________________

then people expect you to actually, you know, follow through and do them. And I haven't run a marathon in, like, forever.

If I had to really run a marathon, I'd probably want to get a really good pair of shoes, and then ____________________

probably take a few lines of blow from a trusted source and hope I didn't have a heart attack at mile two.

The best thing about putting down a sick girlfriend is the regrets one _____________________________

inevitably feels at killing another human being, however much you thought, at the moment, that she deserved it.

I would never admit to murder on a public message board, even one as cool as Mellophant, because ___________________________

it ain't meet and right.

Always time I put my business in the street it's because they girls is ____________________________

gots to work hard for the money and bring it all home to their Daddy Pops, what takes care of 'em and looks out for 'em, dig?

I haven't pretended to be a Seventies pimp in at least __________________________________

four, no three, no: what's all this "pretending" to be a Seventies pimp about, anyway?

Flava Flav is the best hype man because __________________________

he knows the score, preaches the truth, lays all his cards on the table and ain't afraid of nobody, man.

When my Great Aunt Edna met Flava Flav back in 1990, I heard from a reliable source that she could barely ____________________

handle the rawl funk.

When Aunt Edna was summarily dismissed from attending one particular bartender's shift for spurious reasons, she immediately _________________________.

went to the nearest liquor store, bought everything she would have bought from him, and then drank it all out there on the sidewalk while making lewd gestures at him through the bar's large plate-glass window.

Great Aunt Edna is quite a kidder. I remember that one time she invited Robert Goulet over for banana pancakes and __________________

he said, "What, no bananas today, Madam?"

The greatest thing about wearing the color red on Pentecost is ____________________________.

that you don't actually burst into flame when you do. At least, hardly ever.

The first time I tried to build a campfire on my own, I __________________

built a pyre consisting of wooden simulacra of my enemies, lit several matches and laughed well into the night, and the fire raged on until morning.

The best thing about working alongside slothful imbeciles is that ________________________

you can easily outmaneuver them for the best parking spot in the morning.

I have to hit the road tomorrow morning; yes, it's that time again, time for me to _____________

surreptitiously dump my remains upon the private lot.

One thing I never get tired of seeing, among the hobo camps of RVs and associated sturdy beggars, is the good ____________________________

people of Blawnox sending drones overhead to dump milk jugs filled with lemonade (or something else) all over them.

Blawnox in June is really something you have to see for yourself; let me tell you, when _______________

those gals step out in their sundresses, and hit the video poker machines, ain't nothing like it, tell you what!

There's a time when the smells of summer become ______________________________

so delightful, so refreshing and evocative that I can only lean back in my backyard chair, inhale deeply and smile to myself.

Reading about today's SCOTUS decision reversing Roe v. Wade made me ______________

want to ride the high country, rawdog style.

Problem with using condoms is also a problem with not using them, namely _____________________________

that you have the choice between (a) greater pleasure for a few minutes and (b) some potentially lethal, crotch-rotting STD that they don't even have a polysyllabic name for yet.

I think Crotch-Rotting STDs would actually be a pretty cool band name, but when I ran it by my Great Aunt Edna the other day, she said, "___________________________________."

I like 'crotch-rotting' very much, but need one reference medical conditions such as 'STDs'?

I told her that Mary Jane Rottencrotch doesn't much care for her opinions, because her ___________________________________________

very existence is limited to the lyrics of U.S. military march cadences.

The last time I visited a boot camp, I practically _________________