single-handedly turn a convent of discalced Carmelites into a whorehouse.
When I see them again, I swear ________________________________________________/
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single-handedly turn a convent of discalced Carmelites into a whorehouse.
When I see them again, I swear ________________________________________________/
I'll think of some better future for them than that.
Visiting Paris in springtime always seems to _______________________
make me sing like a fruit, "I love Paris in the springtime!"
When the Germans marched into Paris _______________________________
they immediately began ogling the pretty French girls.
Pretty French girls always make me wanna ___________________________
make sure they've been taught how to wash, in the French fashion.
Anglo-American punk-rock girls sometimes have ____________________________________________.
piercings in places you just wouldn't believe.
My gilt-edged invitation to Harry and Meghan's wedding must've __________________________
been accidentally fed to my pet dog, who turned it into something worthwhile.
TNP heard about that movie Black Panther IRL from somebody and thought _________________________________________________.
, "I gotta see that!" So I did, and it was a lot of fun.
The next movie I wanna see this summer is _____________________________
the Zapruder footage, digitally "enhanced," on the basis of a restored print.
Thing about people always wanting to give you a "high five" is that ________________________________.
they always make me think of Seinfeld: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BsGdBup-Leg
I can always count on Puddy to __________________________________
talk in a funny cartoon voice.
Inspecting a woman's mouth on a first date for visible signs of a cold sore is _________________________________.
always greatly appreciated by her, I've found. Funny how they never want a second date, though....
My favorite celebrity mouth would have to be _________________
Nick Nolte's, because it's filled with raccoon meat burritos and enough raw ether to intoxicate a Victorian drawing room.
One can learn a lot from Nick Nolte, like _____________________________.
all the best places to buy raccoon-meat burritos and raw ether.
I wish it would stop raining so that I could ______________________
remember what it's like to be turned on my back in the sun, unable to turn myself over.
Nolte doesn't buy raccoon meat, or turtle meat, or any other kind of ____________________________.
meat that he can't beat with his feet, all reet!
I think I'll stay away from Singapore until well after the US-NK summit meeting, because _____________________
Singapore too beaucoup.
Me and some guys gave a sock party to some guy, only it wasn't ________________________________________.
our fault, really, that he died the next day of internal injuries.
Whenever I watch Full Metal Jacket I think, ______________________________
what ever happened to those socks and all that lubricating soap?
Socks and soap would be a good name for _____________________________.
a store that sold hand tools and parachutes. Just to mess with customers' heads, you know?
If I owned a store, it would definitely ___________________________________
feature novelty foam hands for pointing out girls one desires to comrades, in a subtle fashion.
Pointing repeatedly at a girl to a female comrade, as she enters the toilet, behind her back, is probably ________________________________________.
not going to win you the Nobel Prize in Enlightened Gender Relations.
If I ever actually won the Nobel Prize in Enlightened Gender Relations, I'd _________________________________
paint some lewd drawings of woman genitals on it in lipstick and hang it on the wall.
The next time I find a table with a missing cue ball, I'm going to ___________________________________.
take a nap on the pool table, because it just wouldn't be worth playing a game otherwise.
Big, burly dudes in biker bars who find you asleep on the pool table typically _______________________________
are shit-faced or have severe injuries and are extremely ornery when awoken.
The next time you play pool against some random person in a bar, you should ___________________________.
bet them everything you own and assure them that they can kill you without consequence if you lose and then don't pay up within a week.
I don't usually bet anything when I play pool, because __________________
I suck only slightly less than most of the vermin who play pool in bars.
Three-cushion billiards is the most-good of the games, but, ________________________________.
playing with Big Brother is double-plus ungood.
The last time I read George Orwell's 1984, I ___________________________________
made my own rat mask and wore it for Halloween.
Chasing skirts is a perfectly ____________________________.
understandable activity for a hormone-addled young man.
When I was a hormone-addled young man, I would often __________________
take the family car out in the middle of the night and go grind with some seventeen-year-old poon.
Strange, when one gets to be a bit older, one never stops ________________________________________________.
yearning for fresh young poon - not entirely.
If I have to kill one more zombie today, I swear I will ____________________________
murder the fuck out of the next goddamned nerd I hear.
Best thing about hearing some idiotic conversations about nerd shit is that ______________________________.
being able to cover my ears and loudly chant "Lalalalalalalala!"
The last time I did that, the White House called me and ______________________
offered me a plum appointment as consul to Brazil.
Nice thing about Brazil nuts is that __________________________.
they were a running gag in the British farce Charley's Aunt, a high school production of which I appeared in many years ago.
The other high school plays I was in included ____________________________________________
Georgy Kaufman's If Men Played Cards as Women Do, among others.
The real good reason to tip generous when getting a haircut is that ______________________
otherwise your barber might go all Sweeney Todd on you.
Getting my throat slit by a homicidal barber is definitely not _________________________________________
that bad, provided I'm well and truly dead when Angela Lansbury makes the kidney pies.
The nice thing about forgetting where you parked twelve hours ago is _______________________________________________.
that either helpful car thieves will move your car for you, or you'll get a whopping parking fine from the police telling you where it is.
Most of my encounters with the police ____________________________
are polite and professsional.
You know who else was polite and professional: _________________________________________.
the IRS agent who audited me and said I owed Uncle Same another $450k, plus penalties. The dick.
Most of my encounters with the IRS have been ____________________________
irritating, when actually speaking to a RL person on the phone — they are not the best customer servants.
Using one week's paycheck to do car stuff is ____________________________.
just about par for the course when you own a lemon like mine.
If you offer me a piece of lemon meringue pie, _____________
I'd say, "that's adorable, go have some children eat your little pie: you got anything for adults, like lemon-infused vodka served in a highball glass, you cheap bastard?"
"Well, here's you, there's the liquor store, in between there's a few miles: ______________________________________."
better start walkin' if you want to get your drink on today, pal.
To celebrate Independence Day today, I plan to ________________
take an extra Benadryl, put in earplugs, and dream about scores of millennials next door committing mass suicide-by-fireworks.
You should always light, step back, and watch _____________________.
in appreciative silence the giant, stinky cigar your girlfriend is smoking.
If my wife started smoking cigars, _________________
she would hold the greater power to burn the back of my hands, in one of her daily menstruation-filled rages.
If I had a dozen oranges, a large towel, and a cigar-smoking wife, __________________________________________.
I'd have three-eighths of what I needed for a really interesting weekend.
Next weekend, I've really gotta ___________________________